I need some help! New to dating in COVID


Home Forums Did He Lose Interest? I need some help! New to dating in COVID

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  • #861669 Reply
    JMD

    SO i am coming to this forum for some help! I don’t normally ask for help but I am a bit insecure in myself and new to dating so would love some opinions

    So I have been messaging a guy since the beginning of feb through text and calls. He has texted every day and been good with initiating texts, sending good morning ones and sometimes saying sorry if he has been busy (He has a busy outdoor job)

    However from Saturday he really hasn’t texted much not initiating as much and not sending the good morning texts as much! This was a sudden change from the Friday as all seemed good up until then! If I initiate a conversation though he does reply quickly however I have doubts that he is slowly fading me out!?

    The pubs have just opened again and it does sound like he is out enjoying himself but also working the long days still! I work away too at the moment and i am on nights so its all a bit difficult for me too!

    We haven’t met yet due to COVID but we have both said we would meet up when I am back next which is this Saturday (I have been away for a months work!)

    I am feeling a bit anxious about it all as I am wondering if he is going off me so close to when we can meet? Or whether he is just feeling comfortable that we will meet when we are back so doesn’t need to text as much (He does text back relatively quickly to my texts still and his last text he initiated was two mornings ago)

    Basically he still replies quickly to my texts in the evenings and was quite flirty last night and asked if I was still away. However the amount of texts has reduced along with the checking in texts and good morning texts! Today is the first day he hasn’t initiated a convo when I haven’t since we started texting at the beg of feb!

    I also understand it may be quite a lot to expect a text from someone every day who I haven’t met but he just seemed so chatty before. SO questions to you has anyone had this turn out okay in the end, could he just be feeling fed up of texting when he knows we may meet soon and is it mad to text every day for this long?

    #861701 Reply
    Maddie

    I have texted people less once we had confirmed plans to meet, both to make sure we weren’t building each other up too much leading to a letdown if there weren’t immediate fireworks in person and also to make sure we still have something to talk about on the date! And sometimes I’ve just gotten busy but figured we’re about to meet anyway so it’s fine to have less time to chat, we will make up for it in person.

    I wouldn’t worry about this as you are meeting in person relatively soon. Just confirm sometime the day before or day of that the plans are still on and, assuming they are, relax and try not to put expectations on the date itself. If he stands you up or fades out shortly after the date, that’s different, but don’t assume the worst for now. There’s no reason to!

    And yes, it isn’t always a great move to chat a ton before you meet, but with the pandemic and you being out of town, you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do to keep the interest going long enough to get to the in person date. But if there weren’t extenuating circumstances, I don’t recommend texting daily but putting off the first date (whether it’s a video date for covid safety reasons or in person). It creates too much of a fantasy component before you can properly evaluate each other and that can make the dynamics and expectations screwy before you actually know each other.

    #861869 Reply
    JMD

    Thanks for the reply Maddie.

    We haven’t set a date to meet yet and I am not sure how long I should give him before mentioning it really! I get home tomorrow so may mention if he has a date we can meet yet on Monday if he hasn’t said anything by then!

    Like I said he doesn’t initiate convos anymore really… but then I messaged him this morning and he replied instantly with 2 short sentences and a question when I was getting home…. so who knows! Suppose I will tell when I get home tomorrow! Just needed an opinion of whether I was seeming needy and being anxious over nothing really!

    #861901 Reply
    Tallspicy

    This man is nothing to you. You should not be initiating at all. That is his job until he is your boyfriend or he is being very very consistent. Which he is not. Lose his number. He knows where to find you if he wants to.

    #861902 Reply
    Tallspicy

    And why did you not answer when you were home? Stop playing games…. just tell him when you are home and let him do the work from now on.

    #861909 Reply
    JMD

    He seemed to be very consistent until this time last week, when suddenly over night he wasn’t anymore which is why I am confused!

    I did tell him when I will be home which is tomorrow….so he knows when I am back now. If I haven’t heard anything by tomorrow I will just ask him if he has a date in mind I think! If he doesn’t reply to that I obviously know he doesn’t want to meet! Just don’t want to say anything to him like you okay as you have seemed more distant recently cause we obviously haven’t even met yet!

    #861911 Reply
    JMD

    Should men always have to be the ones to initiate too?

    #861931 Reply
    Maddie

    Oh, I see. I thought you meant you already had a date planned for Saturday after you’re back and he’d gone quieter just before. Things may be organically losing momentum, 2 months is a long time to talk without plans to meet. But if you JUST told him exactly when you were coming back, I’d expect him to pick up the communication and ask you out once you’re situated if he’s really interested in dating. If he doesn’t, it’s disappointing but no biggie because you haven’t even met yet, and it does you a huge favor for him to flake out sooner than later (if he does fade out, it was probably inevitably going to happen sooner or later).

    It would be way overkill to ask him if anything is wrong because he’s texted less for a few days… it could be a million things that are unrelated to you. If he has lost interest, that also happens on internet dating alllll the time, so if you’re going to date you need to feel comfortable in yourself that you’re okay even if that happens with him and the next five guys you talk to after him do the same. So again, try to enjoy getting to know him but don’t overthink it and get ahead of yourself.

    Many women think men should always initiate in early dating. I personally don’t, I prefer some balance and equal give and take in *reaching out conversationally* (maybe because I’m very social and extroverted, and any guy who is compatible shouldn’t mind that), but they should be clearly putting in equal effort at least half the time if not more. Basically, enough that you aren’t confused and don’t question their interest because it’s obvious, and you’re not forcing anything or pursuing them. But it’s a better sign when they take the lead on the first few dates regardless of who initiates the communication, otherwise they may be passive, lazy, lukewarm, or something else that will eventually become frustrating or waste your time. Ie **don’t nudge him about having a time in mind, let him set the date up on his own.** Or, if he doesn’t, then you have your answer and can move on. So I agree with lean back and don’t overfunction, but if you want to say hi sometimes (and he has shown you he often initiates plus is solidly asking you out with a time and place) then there’s nothing wrong with that.

    #863387 Reply
    JMD

    So I asked him if he wanted to meet and he replied but ignored the question. So I have my answer I suppose. Just wish men had the balls to just say they don’t want to meet!

    #863581 Reply
    Tallspicy

    Good for you, and now just stop. If he contacts you again, just end it.

    Bob, thanks for reaching out. It has become clear we are not on the same path and I dont think we should interact anymore. Wishing you the best in your search!

    #864321 Reply
    JMD

    So he still messages!

    I don’t understand why men just want to text and not meet it doesn’t make any sense!

    Going to leave it until Friday, see what he does, and then just say did you see my message about meeting. And if nothing then will say I am not up for being a pen pal!

    Just don’t understand it as he was really chatty and considerate until a week ago and we were going to meet and chatted on the phone about meeting before my last job but couldn’t due to covid, something seems to have changed in the last week or two but not sure what!

    #864323 Reply
    JMD

    He’s even started initiating them again! I know he’s a busy farmer but surely he can say I am too busy to meet at the moment or something !

    #864354 Reply
    Tallspicy

    Why on earth would you ask him if he saw your message? You did what you needed to do – which was to suggest getting together. If you mention it again, you are chasing him. Which you were already doing as I can tell.

    Men speak in actions, and when words and actions don’t match, you pay attention to the worse one. His actions say, I am not interested in more than a pen pal. You did the right thing and suggested getting together and his actions said, I will ignore your requests. He does not need to tell you – I dont want to meet because then he will not be able to get your attention, which he has right now.

    Please give this man the heave ho. He is not going to step up and you are filling in all the work for him. If you were emotionally healthy and confident, you would find this ridiculous and unattractive and send him packing – by not engaging

    #864399 Reply
    Erin

    I said this the other day in another thread, when a man texts you for too long without arranging a meet up, he is not interested, the meet up won’t happen.

    2 weeks is the maximum period to set a meet up, if it doesn’t happen then it ain’t gonna happen now. Unless y’all doing long distance thing but then again a meet up has to be arranged once interest has been established.

    In your circumstances you were away but nevertheless, a plan to meet up when you hit town would be solid. It would be question of when not if.

    Ignoring your question just further cements that he doesn’t want to meet up, don’t ask again, he’s not blind or deaf, ain’t nobody got time for that.

    Just politely tell him it was nice to meet but you don’t see this going anywhere.
    He’s slow fading you anyway, you have nothing to lose now. Trying to figure him out will end with you hurt.

    #864414 Reply
    Liz Lemon

    “Just don’t understand it as he was really chatty and considerate until a week ago and we were going to meet and chatted on the phone about meeting before my last job but couldn’t due to covid, something seems to have changed in the last week or two but not sure what”

    This happens all the time in online/app dating. All. The. Time. There are plenty of guys who are animated and chatty as long as the interaction is limited to text/phone. Then they get cold feet when it’s time to actually meet. Or, deep down they never really wanted to meet to begin with, they just wanted someone to chat and pass the time with. Many people online like to indulge in flirting and fantasy. Your job in online dating is to sift these guys out quickly and toss them aside, so as not to waste your time/energy.

    It doesn’t really matter “what changed”. Don’t waste your time worrying about it. Read Tallspicy’s post above again because it’s 100% correct. Don’t ask him if he saw your message- he saw it and is choosing to ignore it. That’s all you need to know. You’re wasting your time with this guy. Whatever his issue is, is not your concern. You should stop engaging with him and move on to other guys who will actually date you in person.

    #864434 Reply
    Maddie

    Another +1 to what Tallspicy said.

    If you’re looking to waste time and enjoy his pen-pal attention too, keep responding… that’s all you’re going to get from him.

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