i need honest advice. Don't know where to go.


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This topic contains 16 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  LaFrance 1 week, 4 days ago.

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  • #782841 Reply

    Needa Lesgo

    I have a question not regarding a romantic relationship question. I’m not looking for sympathy, I need advice on how I can possibly work through it.

    I let the past go, not a whole lot of people know about it. They know of it but never really wanted to hear about it. This year so far, it seems to haunt me. A lot of stuff has come up from the past where I was a victim of circumstance as a kid. My stepfather abused me. He’s like a ww2 bomb that if pushed the wrong way will explode. He is still kind of that way and I have to walk on eggshells. He apologised for what he did to me. Told me how much he regrets it. He was sincere about it. We went to family therapy and worked through it. I forgave him for it. The scars are still there. I avoid being affectionate with him at all costs or even stay in the same room with him for long periods of time. Every time he touches me, I cringe, tense up, and feel so yucky about myself. Every time he makes a derogatory comment (mostly about my backside and it isn’t often) I shrink into my own safety bubble and it takes awhile for me to want to come out. Guys tell me all the time I have such a nice butt. I can not stand that compliment. Because of him.

    I’m stuck in a situation where I have nowhere else to go and have to put up with it. I am still terrified of him even though he hasn’t done anything to me since family therapy (over 15 years ago) and I am stuck here in his house for a long time.

    He lent me some money because I was in an accident and lost my car. I lost one job because of it. The other job followed suit because when bad things start happening like that, I get self destructive. So i had no money to pay the deductible on my car. I was reluctant to take it and he, I guess lovingly, got in my face about not asking for help. I hate asking for help. Especially from my parents. They did their job. Im in my 30s and need to be responsible for my irresponsibility. I’d rather take the hit to my credit. It’s messed up anyway. I hate asking for help especially from him because it means I have to talk to him. Every time I talk to him, he forces a hug out of me. Well, it turned out I didn’t need the money so I gave it back to him.

    Again, he gets in my face same way and put both his hands on my face and pushed me into my bedroom. I didn’t know what to do. It was like I was 13 all over again. I wanted to push him off of me and slam the door in his face but I felt paralized. I couldn’t even hear what he was telling me. The tone in his voice sounded angry and still, with his forehead pressed on mine, his big calloused hands on my face, saying whatever he was saying with his nicotine breath and the smell of whatever that glue is to hold false teeth in, continued forcing me into the bedroom. Then he grabbed both my arms and as I tried to force my way forward, asking him to stop, he pushed me harder backward forcing me to sit down on my bed. It brought up so many bad memories I thought I had finally freed myself from.

    I know he wasn’t doing what he used to do when I was 13. I know he was being genuine, calling me a stubborn knuckle head, that we’re a family and they’re there to help me etc. All this bottled up resentment, images, and plots of revenge festered up. Think Gellert Grindlewald and you have the attitude of my stepfather. I couldn’t even sit through that whole movie Johnny Depp was that scary to me.

    Anyway, I cant get the images to go away. There was a meme on facebook that set it all off and made it worse. Every time I hear him cough, clear his throat, say something, walk into the same room, it all flashes right in front of me. I keep telling myself it’s all in the past, so let it go. He’s not the same man he was before blah blah and it isn’t working. I cant sleep. I mustave taken 3 melatonin pills in the last 24 hours. I’m binge eating and feel like i am a crazy 13 year old stuck in a place I don’t want to stay in. I was wondering if any of you can give me some advice (other than seeing a therapist because I am broke and have no way to get there with out asking for permission) on how to manage through it and make the images go away?

    #782848 Reply

    Gracelyn

    I’m sorry you’re hurting.

    “Again, he gets in my face same way and put both his hands on my face and pushed me into my bedroom. I didn’t know what to do. It was like I was 13 all over again. I wanted to push him off of me and slam the door in his face but I felt paralized. I couldn’t even hear what he was telling me. The tone in his voice sounded angry and still, with his forehead pressed on mine, his big calloused hands on my face, saying whatever he was saying with his nicotine breath and the smell of whatever that glue is to hold false teeth in, continued forcing me into the bedroom. Then he grabbed both my arms and as I tried to force my way forward, asking him to stop, he pushed me harder backward forcing me to sit down on my bed. It brought up so many bad memories I thought I had finally freed myself from.”

    If this happened recently then yes he is still abusive towards you.

    “I was wondering if any of you can give me some advice (other than seeing a therapist because I am broke and have no way to get there with out asking for permission) on how to manage through it and make the images go away?”

    Trauma changes your brain.

    Some things that I’ve found helpful are music, walking, etc.

    Sometimes when your mind gets triggered with a painful memory (as uncomfortable as it may be) sometimes it’s helpful to just try to “sit through” the memory. Then you can try to write down the thoughts and emotions that are associated with it.

    It can be very uncomfortable but I think it’s the only way to work through it (not that it will every truly “go away”).

    I’m not sure I can post this here but you can try googling:

    “Coping with Emotional Trauma: How to Sit with Painful Feelings”.

    #782850 Reply

    tammy

    I think you need help from a therapist to help you cope with all that. women who frequent here are not therapists and we just share our two bits based on our thinking and experience. you need professional help. if the man so distresses you, you need to work harder and get independent. by taking his help your getting into this deeper. make some goals and work towards those. all the best.

    #782864 Reply

    Needa Lesgo

    I did feel better after writing my post and I had no choice but to sit through it. Music doesn’t help as much as it used to. It brings up other painful feelings.

    He’s an abusive man who has a hard time controlling his temper. He gets offended easily and when he is angry it is super scary. I feel bad for my mom. She can be just as bad in other ways. They are so verbally abusive toward each other. There is hardly any real love between them or affection. I think they love to hate each other.

    I am working hard toward independence and as much as I wish it would just happen over night it’s not going to happen. I get 2 steps forward then get pushed 2 steps back, turned around and then back to square 1. Life for me is the boot scootin’ boogie.

    As I mentioned before, I don’t like asking for help. I prefer anonymity. I don’t mind asking for advice when I am stuck. Your help is very much appreciated.

    #782911 Reply

    LaFrance

    Needa Lesgo,I to was a victim of abuse by my first cousin..I was about 5 or 6 years old he was 15 or 16..He never penetrated me,but he would touch me inappropriately..Even as a young child I knew that this was wrong..0ff & 0n throughout the years I did my best to block the memories..I would tell myself that this didnt happen to me,I made this up etc..But I never could shake the the deep hatred that i had for him..For a very long time I was very afraid of men.I remember being 10 years old & terrified to ride in the car with my cousins boyfriend alone because I thought he was going to touch me.When I got my first period at 11,i thought someone had done something to me while i was asleep..At 20 years old,I went on a spiritual path & the memories came back with a vengeance.Thats when I began to open up to my closest friends & learned to accept what I could not change..Still it took me 7years to open up to my mother about what happened. Eventhough we’d always had a beautiful relationship I told her I blamed her for what had happened to me.Regardless of the fact that our family is close knit,I was always around my Male cousins & there friends..We talked it through,we apologized,& moved forward together..From that day foward I turned to prayer & my G0D it helps but I’m still a work in progress..Almost my entire family knows about the abuse now,even he knows that I remember.He has never apologized or anything & tbh I dont want it,cant use it,& I have no desire to hear nor understand his sick attraction to me as a child..I have watched G0D make him suffer mercilessly over the years,that’s brought payment for me..I will say this if he ever tries me as an adult woman honey I’m jail bound 4LIFE!Needa Lesgo,I’m asking you to seek G0D or whatever saviour you prefer,that’s the best therapy I can advise.Myself & the other posters can steer you wrong,your own understanding can steer you wrong,but G0D or your saviour will never forsake you!…I hope this helps & you are so brave honey!..❤💋😢

    #782914 Reply

    Gracelyn

    “I did feel better after writing my post and I had no choice but to sit through it. Music doesn’t help as much as it used to. It brings up other painful feelings.”

    That’s good.

    I was molested at a young age (I think I was 6 or 7) over the phone by an unknown person (I’m assuming it was a sex offender living in the area or something) but I’ll never know.

    You’re definitely not alone.

    Stay strong and come back here for support if you need too :)

    #782920 Reply

    LaFrance

    Gracelyn,Was it hard for you to move foward being so young & going through a situation like that?..Did you tell your parents?..I know this had to be extremely scary as a 6 or 7 year old child..Even as an adult & a strange man calls & makes derogatory comments would scare me..

    #782921 Reply

    Gracelyn

    @LaFrance

    Thanks.

    Yes.

    I was diagnosed with major depression following it.

    My parents were in the other room (not paying attention).

    It was definitely unpleasant.

    The call was benign at first but turned into derogatory “comments” and “requests”.

    I sometimes think it may have been a great uncle (I discovered a few years ago he had a history of that sort of behavior and he would have had our phone number).

    #782923 Reply

    LaFrance

    Gracelyn,is he still living?..If so have you confronted the situation?..Did your depression carry on into adulthood?..I know that I’m being a bit nosy but believe it or not things like this happen more often then people tend to think..As I mentioned earlier,I’m a work in progress & i feel since we were both preyed on as kids i may find comfort in your situation..For example i find that when i speak freely about the abuse it doesn’t bother me but when someone else brings it up it puts me in a bad mood..Predators dont realize & probably dont care how they’ve affected our lives in the wrost way..My point of views are different than most ppl,how i deal with the opposite sex verses how a woman that’s never been through this is different,My trust is fu!ked up..Its all because someone who shouldve protected me from things like this actually violated me..I was just a little girl & because of him I’ve never wanted kids..

    #782933 Reply

    kaye

    I can’t even imagine what you are going through. Still having to live in the same house with him and wondering if it’s going to happen again, if something is going to set him off, etc. And I’m sorry your mom didn’t have the strength to leave and protect you from him. I’m not sure if you are in the US or not from your post. But I would certainly check with churches and social services because certainly there is free help/counseling out there for someone in your position.

    First thing I would do is consider all your options to get out of there. Do you have a friend who needs a roommate? Can you find a job that comes with housing? For example, a nanny, an apartment manager, live in housekeeper. There are so many alternatives out there you need to seriously brainstorm, research, ask friends and constantly keep your mind and heart open for opportunities. It sounds like your first step is to find some steady income and rebuild your credit so you can get out. There was a period in my life where I was going to school full time, working part time and using my student loans to pay both the cost of my school and my rent/utilities/etc. I was able to fund 2 years of living expenses and my school costs supplemented with my part time job. If your income is low enough you may even qualify for grants which don’t have to be paid back. But you have to want it and work for it.

    I think maybe you need some assertiveness training. You should be able to tell him when he’s making you feel uncomfortable and to back away and recognize your personal space. You shouldn’t feel paralyzed. And he shouldn’t be grabbing your arms and forcing you into a bedroom. He knows that’s conjuring up bad memories for you and It sounds to me he’s still abusing you. As far as the images, etc in your head, distraction can be your best friend. Find a happy place in your mind. Be it the beach, mountains, a meadow full of puppies, whatever. And whenever those bad thoughts come seeping in stop and focus on your happy place. Even if you have to keep a picture of something in your phone to focus on. Spend a few minutes just focusing on those happy thoughts and the image and let those bad thoughts disappear. You also brought up music. Create a play list in your phone. There are certain songs which put me in a good mood regardless. Find those songs for you and play them LOUD! Dance, jump up and down, whatever you need to do. to shake those bad thoughts. Don’t allow your mind to stay in that dark place.

    #782934 Reply

    Needa Lesgo

    Thank you all for your love and support and I’m sorry for what you guys went through.

    He has effected my life tremendously in a negative way. I have a hard time with relationships and dealing with other people. I have spent pretty much my whole life walking in fear of everyone and working hard at walking out of that fear. I resented my mom for a very long time. I felt like she abandoned me. She’s scared of him too I think.

    That article: Coping with Emotional Trauma: How to Sit with Painful Feelings was helpful.

    I do watch Joyce Meyer and she went through the same thing but to a bigger extreme. It’s funny how God works through people and knows what you need to hear at the right time. The night I posted this, I actually did watch one of her sermons on youtube after because I felt a nudge to do it. Sometimes in moments of anger or sadness, I forget to pray or rely on God and just sit there feeling sorry for myself or look to outside sources like this forum to help. You all have helped and I thank you.

    I do my best to avoid him. Before I lost my car, I would always find reasons to stay out of the house. Like working 2 jobs or jobs that require me to stay all day. He’s a narcissist so there is no winning with him no matter what I do. The last thing I want to do is give him any sort of attention and he can not stand being ignored.

    Finding a job that houses their employees is a good idea. I think I’ve applied for an apartment manager position one time, I have no experience. In this town to get a job without experience requires you to know someone with that job. All my experience is retail and warehousing.

    All my friends have no room for me, the one that does, I love her to tears, I just can not stand living with her. She will start walking all over me, we wind up fighting a lot because of it, and we’re both very stubborn people. She also currently has a roommate. The other friend is going through a separation and the ex sleeps on their couch until their lease is up in september. My goal is by April, I will have enough money to get out on my own. Hopefully, it stays that way.

    #782935 Reply

    kaye

    I am glad you have found some love and support here. And I’m really glad you know God and are praying and turning to him for help. I really do believe prayers are answered. It has happened many times in my life. And sometimes if we open our minds and hearts we will see solutions not just for ourselves but for others. If you could find a job to afford rent, you could move in with your friend and her ex could find another place and not have to stay until the lease ends in September! It would be a win for all of you!!

    I know you feel broke right now, not just financially but emotionally too. But it really just takes small steps to turn it around. I would encourage you to build up a little nest egg. As soon as you can go look in your closet, jewelry box, drawers, under your bed, wherever. If you have clothes, purses, shoes, you’ve never worn or only worn a couple times, take them to consignment or sell on Ebay, FB marketplace or similar sites. Do the same with jewelry or watches,etc you don’t wear. Take them to a pawn shop or sell online. Do you an old bike you don’t use, sports equipment, or anything you no longer use of value? Have a yard sale and get rid of things and make some money. I encourage you to make 2020 your year. Don’t just declutter your life but turn it into a resource for cash! As your bank account starts to build it will build your hope and your confidence.

    There are even websites you can go on and bid to do small jobs for people. If you have a skill use it! Are you good at making cakes? Do you have great handwriting for wedding invitations? I have friends who are always looking for dog sitters or house sitters and those jobs could get you out of the house for awhile too. If you build your reputation for being trustworthy you’ll be amazed at the referrals you will get.

    You have a world of opportunities out there. Don’t give up hope!! Things will get better and if you just do one small thing a day to work toward a better future all those things begin to snowball and you will see results!!

    #782936 Reply

    kaye

    Seriously there have been times in my life when I didn’t have the money to wash my clothes at the laundromat! And if you saw me now and what I’ve accomplished and the multi million dollar business I own you would be astonished! I can remember going through the house and gathering all the spare change I could find to put gas in my car and buy something to eat. One time I sold some old broken gold and silver jewelry to buy textbooks for school. I’ve pawned jewelry to pay utility bills. Even sold some collectible silver coins I had been given to make ends meet. That was over 25 years ago now and it’s been a really long time since I’ve had to worry about those things but I still remember that feeling of desperation and being stuck. And the other benefit is if you are spending 95% of your time focused on a goal and working toward it, it gives you much less time to feel the anxiety and depression. Focus on a way out and it will also build your confidence when you start seeing results.

    #782944 Reply

    Needa Lesgo

    All i have that might be of any value are my spiderman comic books and guitars. I have a 77 peavy bass made of solid oak and when i took it to the music store to get something broken on it fixed, a guy made me a nice offer, i just can’t bring myself to give it up.

    Those are really great ideas though. I like baking cookies so maybe I can do something with that.

    Thank you for the inspiration.

    #782952 Reply

    Gracelyn

    “Gracelyn,is he still living?..If so have you confronted the situation?”

    No, he passed a few years ago.

    I didn’t learn until after he died.

    If it’s okay with you I prefer not to go into anymore detail as to not take away from the thread starter. :)

    “That article: Coping with Emotional Trauma: How to Sit with Painful Feelings was helpful.”

    I’m happy to hear that.

    #782955 Reply

    LaFrance

    Gracelyn,I respect that to the highest degree!..Still,I thank you for your response..Needa Lesgo,have you thought about going back to school?..I think that working towards a degree & receiving the refunds every semester would be a nice reward..As far as your step father goes please protect yourself by any means..Mace him & call law enforcement would sit him right in his place!..I’m not trying to encourage violence,but I want you to protect yourself by any means necessary..Stand tall,show him,your mother,& yourself that you’re not that same defenseless little girl from 15 years ago..Y0U ARE N0T WEAK,Y0U ARE N0T BR0KEN,Y0U ARE N0T INTERDEPENDENT!!..Y0U ARE BRAVE,Y0U ARE W0RTHY,Y0U ARE A SURVIV0R!!..

    #782956 Reply

    LaFrance

    Don’t pawn or let anything of sentimental value goes!!..Just have faith & watch how doors open for you!..G0D is going to bless you!..

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