I need Clarity


This topic contains 9 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Jenna 2 months, 4 weeks ago.

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  • #736884 Reply

    Jenna

    Hi all,
    I need some harsh advice, My boyfriend is still friendly with his ex, she is a none active alcoholic but relies very heavily on him, she has no family other than her son, when they were together they had a very up and down relationship which ended up in him leaving and her trying to commit suicide…3 times. I don’t like the friendship I feel she is extremely manipulative, she is nice to him then nasty but he still takes it. I have expressed how I feel but I’m worried I say things all the time its not just noise and he dent see how its upsetting me, I feel like giving in the towel…any advice?

    #736891 Reply

    Newbie

    I can understand guilt and feeling responsible for her is weigjhing hard on him. And yes she probably is narcisticic and manipulative. My mom was an alcoholic amd it affected everyone around her.
    My question to you is: what would you do if this was his brother and not an ex? Its his cross he feels he has to carry. It can be very disruptive and damaging to your relationship but only you can decide if you are willing to put up with ot.

    #736894 Reply

    Newbie

    Also i think there are support groups for family members of alcoholics. Maybe find one and ask for advice

    #736895 Reply

    Neve

    Can you give some details, like how old are all of you, how long has you been with him, how long was he with her and how long have they been broken up?

    I’m sorry to say that you are probably going to have to leave if he will not cut ties with her. Alcoholics are bad news. Your BF may be codependent.

    #736923 Reply

    Jenna

    Hi, thank I both for your reply,
    I’m 40 and he is 44 I have been with him for about 2 years and she has come between us many times before in arguments…I’m not a nasty woman I feel for her as I can totally see it can’t be easy how she lives her life, he on the other hand doesn’t see my sadness, at times feeling secon isn’t a nice feeling, they have been split for about 8 years x

    #736967 Reply

    Newbie

    I do feel for you and i dont really have a solution. But i do think that if you compare what he does for her is making you second, you are not doing yourself or the relationship any favours. From what youre saying i get you argued about this a lot and didnt help. I would discuss in a calm matter what strain she puts on your relationship and how he sees this playing out long term. By now you should be a couple having joined responsibilities, goals and if they are not shared then i dont see a future for you two. But if he is a good man and you have a good relationship i would also look inside yourself. What exactly is the trigger that makes you so angry about this? Can you change that into being more compassionate to him and look for a solution? Because she will probably drink herself to death and that can take many many years and lots of sicknesses first

    #736969 Reply

    Newbie

    And i think that yes he is enabling her to keep doing what she is doing, maybe even giving her money. That is not what is advised to do, but that insight has to come from him

    #736976 Reply

    kaye

    Have you posted about this before? Are you the one where your boyfriend promised her dying father he would look after her and take care of her? If so, this isn’t going to change. He feels a responsibility to her and it hasn’t changed in 8 years so that’s an indicator it probably won’t change.

    You have a choice here. Later in life most relationships will have “baggage”. Whether it be exes, children from previous relationships, financial impacts due to alimony and child support etc. It has been 2 years and you keep fighting over this same situation. Either you can live with this baggage or you can’t. If it is creating a toxic relationship with your boyfriend then you need to let him know.

    It’s not going to be an easy discussion. First you need to decide if you can live with it if he were to create stronger boundaries. For example, I understand you want to help your ex and feel an obligation, but it really bothers me when she calls after 6 at night and you run to go help her with something. I feel that is encroaching on our time together. Or I don’t like the fact your ex calls you every time she has a problem with her car and you run over there to fix it. I think it’s time you gave her the name of a good mechanic she can take it to.

    You need to let him know you are on the verge of leaving the relationship over this and unless he can create stronger boundaries and you can agree on some common ground you will leave. But if you are sitting her telling us that no amount of contact with her or helping her is going to work for you then that really leaves you no choice but to leave. Only you can make that decision.

    #737059 Reply

    Jenna

    No I have never posted here before,
    And yes I do feel I’m putting myself second, I’m angrfy with the whole thing If I leave I feel in a way she has won, is that bad to feel like that? He keeps reminding me of the good times we have had and he keeps saying she won’t cone between us…but she has!

    Jenna

    #737060 Reply

    Jenna

    Kaye

    U talk so much sense, and the way I feel is yes no contact but in reality It won’t happen and I understand why, but it eats at me..I’m jealous of the hold she has..at times everything seems pointless and I have said it’s ok if we part we will always be friends but that’s not what he wants..men are totally confusing.

    Thank you for ur reply x

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