This topic contains 10 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Katie 8 months, 1 week ago.
June 23, 2020 at 11:51 am #794472
I have an ex that is also a coworker. We met at work about 5 years ago and things have been on and off a bit, due to life complications. We have split a couple of times and been able to go no contact because we work in different offices. Each time we re-kindled things, I contacted him to ask him if he wanted coffee and things always picked back up really fast. About a year ago, things were going horribly in my life (my dad was diagnosed with cancer, among other things) and I was pretty terrible to him – I ended things abruptly because I wasn’t emotionally mature enough to handle everything that was going on, as well as my relationship with him. I am a fool, and I realize that; and I have no real respect for people that come out of nowhere with things like this (it goes against my own principles).
Recently, I moved to a different office and I HAVE to see him almost every day. I had been doing a good job of keeping my feelings for him stowed away because I realized that he was setting no contact boundaries and I did not want to cross them. But seeing him just ignites my heart – I have never felt this way for anyone else. I decided to write him an apology and ask if we could be friends on a trial basis. (I gave him the card in person, along with his favorite candy. He said that he would be “less of a man” if he did not accept the card and thanked me for the candy. He smiled at me during this interaction.) In the card, I told him how sorry I was for my careless behavior (I really am) and that I was wrong. I also asked if I could take him to lunch, at the end of the letter. It’s been a day and I’ve heard nothing. How long would you wait until you replied to a letter like this? Would you reply at all? I cannot give up and move on because this man is not just a casual ex – he is someone that I still love deeply and I think about daily. I don’t want to make things worse by continuing to reach out to him, especially since we work together. I want him to feel respected and I want him to see that I’ve changed. What do I do from here?June 23, 2020 at 12:53 pm #794475
Nothing. You do nothing. You wait and see if and how he responds. Just because you’ve communicated you want to see him doesn’t mean he owes you an answer or anything at all really.
Also, since you dont want to just be friends it was a bad move to suggest it because obviously you want more than friendship from himJune 23, 2020 at 1:03 pm #794478
Loving someone is not enough. You have broken off with this man several times. Really look at that and understand that love is not enough. Take inventory – yours and his – where were the failures. You might not be good as a couple and fully understand one another.June 23, 2020 at 1:28 pm #794480
It is interesting that as women we can say “let’s be friends” but really we want to get back together. Just stating you wished you handled matters differently is all that is needed.June 23, 2020 at 1:36 pm #794481
Additing on to my post,being friends and hanging on will likely only hurt you in the long run. Best to move on and if the universe means you find your way back to each other, so be it.June 23, 2020 at 2:49 pm #794485
I had a rough year in 2018 – so much death and near-death that stress caused me to lose 44 pounds in four months.
During this time, something my stepmother told me when she was dying kept popping into my mind.
She told me that she had done sh*tty things to a lot of people during her life, and in the time she had left, she was trying to make up for what she had done to them as best as she could.
Back in 1975, I screwed over one than more boyfriend/lover.
I tracked down one and apologized for what I did to him.
A second one was dead.
I found the address and phone number for the last one, so I wrote him a letter, prefacing it by saying that I DID NOT want to rekindle anything and I did not expect a reply.
Then I explained that he had never been anything but good to me – and that I had been an absolute sh*t in how I treated him – and that I was sorry.
I have not had the courage to mail that letter yet.
If I ever DO mail that letter, I truly WON’T expect a reply. I truly DON’T want to start back with the relationship – and I truly DON’T expect him to forgive me.
The purpose of the letter is to give him the apology he deserves – whether or not he chooses to accept that apology – not to make him feel like he has to be nice and forgive me to ease my conscience.
LEAVE IT (AND HIM) ALONE. It really doesn’t matter if he answers you – or if he threw the letter and the candy in the nearest garbage can without opening either one.
The gesture was NOT ABOUT YOU! It was about HIM – and giving him the apology he deserves.June 23, 2020 at 3:48 pm #794487
Have you changed for real? Because from an outsiders look you are doing the exact same thing you have done before: rekindle. Maybe the last break up was worse than what happened before but still: whats new?
I also agree with paige that if you really want to aplogize give him space in how he goes about it. You kept right on with asking for a lunch date. Pace. In all honesty i dont believe in third and fourth changes. Its a sign something always will be off. Maybe its time for you to move onJune 23, 2020 at 4:15 pm #794488
You can’t do anything in this situation. You can’t force him to see you’ve changed, or accept your apology. It’s 100% up to him if he chooses to reply, or even acknowledge your letter. All you can do is sit and wait and give him time, to see if he chooses to reply. And, if he never replies, you have to accept you’ve lost him. It’s tough, but it’s a lesson learned.
I agree with the other comments, that if you have gotten together and broken up multiple times, then it’s likely that this is not a relationship that’s meant to be, honestly.
Since he is a coworker, I would be very careful about persisting in any contact with him if he does not initiate or welcome it. If you continue to pester him about going to lunch or accepting your apology, he could report you to HR. I’m not saying you would harass him, but what you might see as being persistent, or just trying to get a message across, he might see as harassment. Since this is a work environment you should be extra careful, is all. Just leave him alone at this point. If he wants to reach out for lunch, he will.June 23, 2020 at 5:46 pm #794492
Thanks everyone for the responses, although some are difficult to read. But this is a difficult situation. I do think that he has every right to not reply. And I have changed, in response to that question. I definitely am not using work avenues to reach out to him (email, phone) and I have done a really good job at giving him space and only saying hello if I do happen to see him (I am not seeking him out). I knew breaking it off was a mistake when it happened and, I hate to admit it, I am a romantic at heart and I believe in fate and I will always have hope. That said, I don’t plan to try any additional contact and I’ve made my peace with this being maybe the last contact I’ve had with him, despite how much it hurts. I have even altered my work schedule a bit so I won’t be in my office when he needs to be. I owed him the apology and I went through several variations of it before I got it exactly like it should be—accepting blame and telling him it was long overdue. (To clarify further, we were friends first and the reason I offered friendship was to extend that option and let him know that I don’t want to fast track anything, if he is interested in being in contact at all. As far as offering lunch, it was an offer within the letter and he can accept or decline. I don’t feel that’s pushy.)June 23, 2020 at 8:45 pm #794539
Im not so sure you made a mistake breaking it off (again). I think you maybe are making a mistake starting it up again. But with that disclaimer im also a romantic. I do believe in whats meant to beJune 25, 2020 at 6:40 pm #794648
Update: I wanted to come back and post that I did have a meaningful talk with my ex and we even had some humorous moments. Afterward, it was like a weight had been lifted and it felt so right to have talked like we did. He initiated contact and he said that he is still healing and it’s too soon for lunch, but that he hopes we can take baby steps in that direction and rebuild a friendship. I am posting this for anyone that has hope and believes in fate like I do. But I also want to add that I gave him the apology letter and then left him alone to his thoughts, despite how hard it was (especially during the first 24 hours) to get out of my head and realize that I may never talk to him again and that I OWED him the apology. I fully intend to respect his boundaries and let him reach out to me and gradually build trust again, over time (because this is a lesson learned). Good luck to anyone that stumbles upon this post in hopes of figuring out how to regain your ex’s trust or just reaching them again. It is a delicate and sometimes difficult feat, but it can be done with respect, and after personal growth.