I feel insecure in my relatiosnhip


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This topic contains 5 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Emma 5 months ago.

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  • #693344 Reply

    fiona

    the title says it all. it’s all fine, you would think. a relationship of 2 years, we live together since a 1 year ago. I suspect it’s my luggage that I don’t feel comfortable with him, but I don’t know, maybe there is more to it.

    I’m in my early 30s, had 2 serious relationships before, both failed, because the men were abusive. so now I worry that maybe I attract/am attracted to this kind of guys.

    even before, he seemed controlling to me. looking at what I eat, how much, what I drink, how much, how many cigarettes. I had thought it’s none of his businness, but maybe he was just concerned or worried, because of love and genuine care. Recently I was worried about gaslighting. Bizzare things are happening, but subtly, mostly in our cobversations. Like we agreed to see a movie together, after he finishes his work. So I wait for him to finish, he does, I am waiting for him to come over, he never does. then he tells me we never made the plan. same thing when we went to the movies, we agreed to buy some food before, ‘I was looking forward, hungry, but didn’t happen, then he says, we never made a plan, it was only me suggesting that I am hungry.

    it seems to me like he is flipping the words. like we make a plan, he bails on it, and then he says there was no plan, we were only talking abouyt it. this is very subtle, I know, but has happened so many times, I am starting to worry that something is off/ that is it a form of gaslighting.

    he is out now with friends, I texted him, no reply for 5 hours. not a big deal, just saying.

    my main worry is gaslighting. the fact that he is flipping the words. and then when I am openly surpruised or even angre that we agreed to something, and then he is flipping, he stays totally calm and act lime I am imagining things, or being oversensitive, everything is fine, we didn’t have a solid plan, why I am overreacting and sp on. so this makes me look like a crazy person. but in my gut I know that we made a plan and it was normal that I wold wait for him and for the plan to happen.

    I just don’t know if it is a typical mis communication in a long-term relationships or if it’s something that indicates a future abuse, a red flag?

    we are fine otherwise, I love him. I always feel though thta I love him more than he loves me. and that being aware of it, he uses it to play his games.



    #693345 Reply

    fiona

    sorry for the typos, I’m writing from my phone

    #693350 Reply

    Jan

    Get him to put the plan in writing on text or something. If he denies what he writes, a good plan would be for you to move on.

    #693355 Reply

    Hannah

    I was going to suggest what Jan said! Make him firmly agree and repeat it between yourselves several times or have it in a text.

    It’s quite common for women to think they’ve agreed something with a man when he doesn’t think he’s agreed. Some people take “maybe”, “possibly”, “we’ll see” or just a change of subject as agreement.

    The first thing is to make sure he is actually agreeing to things. If he is and then tries to turn it around, you have a problem.

    #693418 Reply

    Emma


    Definitely text about plans. This is what texting was meant for.

    As a normal person living in a society, you function well in other areas don’t you? Then..if you think, in your normal judgement, that you made definite plans, but he denies whenever it suits him – something is OFF. Do not doubt yourself. This is how you invite abusive attitude. But constantly doubting yourself for no valid reason. You said it happened many times, so clearly, you did not jump the gun.

    And no it is not typical in long-term relationship. Why would you even think this way?

    What is typical, among people in general, is to correct things. When there was a misunderstanding of some kind, next time, both people try to take steps to avoid it. Confirm via text, restart the time and location to make sure. Then ask the other side to acknowledge. It is not normal to “act totally calm and make it look like you made it all up”.

    #693419 Reply

    Emma


    correction: *restate* not restart. Restate (repeat) the time and location.

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