Home › Forums › Break Up Advice › I feel guilty over my mistakes. Am I a narcissist?
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Maddie.
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Ems
I had threatened to break up twice because I felt like I was being offended and taken for granted (being left behind his apartment’s door when we had a date or something like that), because I felt like he didn’t care and he didn’t wanna talk it through and make changes unless he saw me cry or leave. Like he would talk to me in a rude manner, I would ask him to take his time to cool off and call me when he was calm and take as much time as he needed and then when a couple of days would pass and he wouldn’t call I’d tell him I had only so that so that he would be ashamed of his own behavior and if he could go two days without talking to me then he could go the rest of his life doing so (he said he wanted to marry me). So I told him it was clear that he didn’t want this relationship and that I should give him his stuff back. I have also stormed off and expected him to chase after me for the same reason (sometimes over stupid things) because it was like when I told him how hurt I was he wouldn’t take it seriously unless I took some extreme measures not to mention that I myself was pretty immature and insecure. Although I apologized again and again for doing so and explained why I did it and how I felt when I did it. This doesn’t count as narcissistic behavior, does it?
He was far from perfect and so was I. I just feel so guilty over how I acted. He is now in a relationship and I’m not, I’m trying to work on myself. Sometimes it makes me feel like I was the problem.Raven
You are not a narcissist…
You are immature & could use some one trained to talk with.Winnie
I feel like you were both the problem. He could have tried more, and you could have communicated more. You weren’t healthy for each other, so it is best to work on your communications skills and move on.
Ems
I am and he was far from the perfect partner and it was my first relationship. I guess people make many mistakes in their first relationships. I just don’t know how to get over the guilt.
Ems
I really did try to communicate Winnie. He hated talking, he saw it as a form of starting a fight. He always told me I would bring up old issues but when something happens again and again how is that an old issue? He would make me feel insecure and then call me sensitive. The problem was I wanted to stay at any cost and I didn’t realize that I’m losing myself and acting crazy. I sometimes wonder if he can make it work with his new partner and if he will do the same things he did to me to her.
Maddie
Something to work on in the future that will really help you is upfront communication of your needs. A healthy relationship doesn’t involve someone reading your mind, or you doing/expecting the opposite of what you actually say. If you say, “take as much time as you need to reach out,” then get angry when he took more time than you wanted, then it’s on you to instead say in the first place… “take a couple days and then let’s talk again.” If you storm off, then expect the person to respect your need for space not to chase you down. Never threaten to break up because it destroys any trust that you can problem-solve together when there’s a disagreement. Only suggest breaking up when you mean it, not when you’re looking for reassurance. If you apologize for your actions repeatedly but then take those same actions again, then your words aren’t accurate.
If you can work on communicating so that your words and actions are always aligned and the partner doesn’t need to do guesswork, then it is a win in multiple ways. You are able to ask for what you actually need, and if you’re not getting in-kind responses or respect for what you said, then you’re learning the other person isn’t a good guy for you. A good guy who can also show up and be a good partner wants a woman who can be mature, reliable, means what she says, not play games. A guy like your ex who acts out in relationships won’t be interested in a woman who is mature and will probably show himself out instead of wasting your time.
I think you’re asking the right questions which shows you’re not a narcissist. You were immature and insecure, but we all are in our first relationships. You made mistakes to learn from but it’s not only your fault. You shouldn’t put up with a man who sees talking about needs as annoying or is rude to you. You both have things to work on and just weren’t compatible as a result. You’ll find something better if you’re willing to put in the work to become a better partner yourself. If he’s avoiding the work, he’ll treat all his future girlfriends the same way after a while, so don’t even worry about him anymore. Learn more about healthy relationship communication for yourself and how to make yourself feel more secure when you’re feeling bad instead of acting out, and I’m sure you’ll be able to move on to a better match next time.
Ems
Yes, Maddie and I am really ashamed about the two times I threatened to break up. I was just really tired and scared that that was actually what he wanted and that’s exactly what he said. He said that my threats have broken his trust and they actually put the idea of separation into his head. But can it really be that it was only me who caused the relationship to fail? During the first year I really tried to communicate calmly. He was the insecure one at first. He once had a dream and didn’t wanna talk to me for whole day because of something I had done in the dream which he never told me about! He told me he thought about why he was always the one to initiate saying “I love you”, why I took half an hour to respond to his texts, how I didn’t need his attention anymore because I replied late. Of course I tried to listen, to give him the security that he needed and when I did the table turned and he was the one who made me insecure. He rated me and jokingly made fun of me. He made me feel clingy for wanting to spend two days a week with him. He asked me not to take classes on certain days so that we could see each other and he didn’t make the time to do so. He told me I was his number one priority but didn’t act like it. I lived over an hour away from him and made the time to see him and it made me really angry when he talked on the phone however short unless it was an emergency during the time we were together since it was just twice a week. His mom and sister called him every single day, sometimes more than once and it really baffled me that he couldn’t ask them to call a few hours later when he was alone or when his mom got home!! Yes, they lived together and she still called him twice a day. I had told him that it bothered me when it happened but he kept repeating it each time with a new excuse making me feel like I was too sensitive and telling me it was just a few minutes. Once I didn’t say anything. I just had tears in my eyes and he got angry telling me I was a cry baby and asked me to go to the bedroom to calm down!!! As if I was a kid being grounded! That’s actually one of the times I stormed off but was stupid enough to come back with the excuse of giving his stuff back! Because I wanted to see if it really was over this time, if he cared enough to stop me. It all looks so crazy now.
winnie
Ems, I am currently in a relationship that is similar to yours was. I understand the pain of wanting to just talk and be civil and have everything immediately explode. Lve makes us lose ourselves sometimes and turn into the worst version of ourselves. I think it was meant to be that you learn from it, and evolve into a better person
Ss
I don’t think it is likely that you are a narcissist because you are asking that question. A true narcissist wouldn’t care.
I think you have been a bit immature and manipulative in your relationship but it doesn’t sound like he behaved very well either!
You’ve had some good advice about what to work on in preparation for future relationships. Take that advice. Use this experience as a learning point not as something to beat yourself up over xx
Maddie
“But can it really be that it was only me who caused the relationship to fail?”
No, me and everyone else who has responded to you said he also played a big role in things not working out well and that you both made mistakes. He doesn’t sound like he was a great boyfriend and has his own work to do (that he’s avoiding doing if he sees talking things through as annoying). No need to take on more than your fair share of the blame or feel ashamed and beat yourself up like this. Learn from it, and part of that learning is how much was your fault, how much was his for disrespectful behavior towards you, and how much was no one’s fault and simply a reflection of lack of compatibility together. It took me many, many years of dating to be able to figure that part out (I always overfunctioned in my old romantic relationships, carried too much of the weight and put way too much blame on myself), and it’s something I wish I’d known when I was younger.
Why do you feel shame about doing your best? It was your first try, it’s okay to accept what happened and that there’s a lot to learn from it. It doesn’t make you a bad person or failure, we all learn how to be better partners through experience.
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