This topic contains 13 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Lia 10 months, 3 weeks ago.
January 5, 2016 at 8:02 pm #494938
My ex had a huge crush on me which even included stalking until he got the balls to come talk to me and we started talking, then dating. He was my first. I admit we went WAY too fast in the beginning. We broke up 5 months later and he told me the same line that he has said to me every time we had a fight “I don’t think you’re the right one for me.” He told me that he was losing interest in me and for the past couple of weeks he was just “trying”. He said he didn’t love me as much as before and his “before” refers to when he had a crush on me and didn’t even know me.
I begged him for 2 weeks. And then went no contact for 8 days. I was hoping he would contact me and I spent every day waiting for his message but he never even bothered to reach out. Today I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about our relationship and I feel like I was never truly loved by him.
After 2 weeks of dating, he had already dropped the “I love you”. And I think that after all this time together that was never true. I don’t think he ever loved me. I think he was just infatuated with me. I feel like he had fantasies about me and at the beginning I was perfect. But as I started to get comfortable around him, I think he saw that I wasn’t how he wanted me to be and he started to like me less and less.
I ended up sending a text and telling him how I felt and he didn’t reply at all. I sent it as more of a “goodbye” text. I thought that if he realized that he didn’t want to lose me after a week of NC, he would reply. After sending the text, I felt like I could finally let go. I felt like I could stop waiting for him but it just started to hurt so much like when we just broke up. He doesn’t miss me. He doesn’t care about me and even before I did NC he told me to “move on”. I don’t understand why I have to be so miserable over someone who never really loved me. I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that he will never come back to me and it hurts so much. Idk what to do
January 5, 2016 at 8:08 pm #494939
I want to go to his house and punch him. Somebody please say something to dissuade me.January 5, 2016 at 8:54 pm #494957
Don’t punch him.
He was crazy about his fantasy of you. But he did not see the real you.
Here is the lesson. It takes knowledge to love someone….you have to know who they really are. Fast love is usually surface love…oh, it feels real at the time…so don’t be too mad at him….he had strong feelings for the fantasy of you….I have no doubt.
He just does not understand what real love is yet. It takes time to sort that out…and experiences to know the difference.
So, just chalk this up to experience….and when a man comes at you like a freight train remember this lesson…do not jump into the fire truck.January 5, 2016 at 9:01 pm #494959
I have the same situation as you so I understand how it feels. Very painful that after everything he changed. But still, we have to accept and move on. I got so many advice and with the help of the ladies here and analyzing things about what happened, I regain my self respect and my worth as woman. My ex went back to his ex while we are together, maybe even painful that what you have experienced. I almost killed myself. I’m glad I didn’t cause he doesn’t deserve it. Now I feel better and start a new beginning. I know you can do that. Please do not contact him again. Let him go. You will find someone better for sure who will love you and who is deserving to be loved. We are beautiful and as we get back after the storm, we get even stronger. HugsJanuary 5, 2016 at 9:25 pm #494967
Were you the Ms. Sorrow and then Ms. Hopeful? :DJanuary 5, 2016 at 9:36 pm #494970
You felt even worse contacting him after no contact because your ego was crushed.
Go out or do something different.January 5, 2016 at 9:37 pm #494972
Hi Nellie, yes I am. Have you heard about my story?January 5, 2016 at 10:16 pm #494979
Yes I was following your first post few months ago, the tread title was shocking and I was very glad that all the amazing ladies trying to help you through tough time, and you changed your name to Ms. Hopeful! :DJanuary 5, 2016 at 10:17 pm #494981
Oops thread*January 6, 2016 at 2:01 am #495001
Thanks you. But the breakup hurts a lot more. He never even gave me a chance. All the memories we had, all the times we said “I love you” it hurts to think that it was one-sided the whole time. And yes, it hurt my ego. I admit I did the NC in hopes that he would come back but I don’t think his feelings for the are strong enough. I miss him so much. But I don’t think he feels the same or even cares. I wish there was just some way to erase all the memories.
I sent him a set of texts I don’t think he’ll reply but that’s the last time I’m going to message him. Whenever I get angry or feel like messaging him I will come read this thread.
Thanks for the advice.January 6, 2016 at 5:57 am #495026
What I am trying to tell you is that it was not one sided….he did love you with all he knew at the time. He was not playing games I do not think.
Love takes many many forms, caring, lust, friendship, etc. And actually, true love can have an element of fantasy in it…that is good…
But when a person constructs a total fantasy of the other person and loves that the love can end. When the fantasy stops the love ends.
So how do we know when we are really loved? When the other person sees us mostly realistically and enjoys wonderful real qualities about us with a touch of fantasy. Oh, they will see the parts that are not so good…but the good (whatever they define it to be) will far outweigh the bad so to speak. What they want in another person we have in spades naturally.
That is why real love takes some time….it takes uncovering the other person enough so they can be admired and real love can grow.
Here is the lesson….love takes many forms….some continue over time and some do not. I am sorry you are hurting….and I think he DID love you…but not with a lasting type of love. Hopefully it will lessen the pain to know he did care…really.
Another lesson, guard your heart until you know which type of love is coming at you. Fast and furious is not always what it appears to be…so have a little wonder about a man who is on the ceiling about you…lol.
We as women are the emotional gatekeepers…we are the so called experts…unfortunately it is our job to slow everything down so reality can set in…once the smoke clears we can see what we really have in front of us…
Do not despair…look to a brighter future with more knowledge in your pocket.September 20, 2017 at 7:05 pm #655607
Been going through the same. Now I know that love is loving you the way you are. Love never wants to change you to somebody you’re not. I feel such a stupid to cling to the wrong guy for all that long.
Unfortunately that doesn’t really appear in the beginning, but it’s good that now you know the truth. At least now you can find what you really deserve. Someone who loves you for who you are. Even if that person is YOU !
Time heals everything. At least I hope so.September 20, 2017 at 7:47 pm #655612
“He said he didn’t love me as much as before and his “before” refers to when he had a crush on me and didn’t even know me.” you’re exactly right, he wasn’t in love with you. he’d created some fantasy version of you and then found out it wasn’t real.
this is gonna sound like slut shaming to many people, but I just mourn what’s happening to people in the wake of the sexual revolution. why do we keep giving ourselves to those who have every opportunity to leave us, and then try to spend the rest of our lives compensating for the betrayal?
sure, waiting until marriage is a religious thing that’s been used to harm women, but the sexual revolution has clearly brought its own problems too.
I don’t think I’m ever gonna forget my first and how much damage it caused me to give so much to someone who wasn’t genuine, and I bet it’s going to affect you for a long time, as well. even the guys I’ve know who gave it up when they were 16 have been severely affected by the aftermath of their naive relationships. and yes, we’re wiser from the experiences, but what if it was wisdom we could have lived without?
I wish we didn’t have this confusion, that people could just love.
but then again, without suffering, we wouldn’t know what good things feel like.September 20, 2017 at 7:54 pm #655613
oh, more to add. francess, you’re going to be very mad him, hateful even. he probably deserves it. feel that for as long as you need to. and then take responsibility for the mistakes you made in the relationship too. I found that when I was tired of being angry at my ex, realizing that I’d in part caused what happened surprisingly made me let go of the last negativity I was feeling about it, and I healed. I wish you the best.