I don't know what happened here


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This topic contains 25 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Newbie 1 month ago.

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  • #743627 Reply

    Carilla

    I need advice. I’m 26 and my boyfriend is 29, we are together 1.5 year. While we were cuddling in bed I asked him in playful way if I’m the most beautiful girl for him. He said yes and went to take a shower. When he finished he told me that he needs to tell me a truth, that he often see more pretty girls than me when he’s outside but I should’t be worry he will not leave me for them. I honestly didn’t know how to react. From one side it’s obvious that I’m not the most beautiful girl in the world and I tried to be logical about that but from another I always thought that I’m like this for him and I was really hurt. I asked him if he also has more pretty female friends than me and he said that yes. That I’m like 7/10 for him, some of his female friends are 8/10 or even higher and if I want to be higher on the scale I should work with my body. I mean, what? Is that normal for guy to say something like that to his long-term girlfriend? I don’t have instagram fitness model body but I’m not fat or something like that. I’m good-looking and many guys tell me that.

    #743629 Reply

    Ok

    This is the problem for asking impossible questions. Why did you ask him that question in the first place? Most men would just say yes and drop it, but less mature or less tactful men like yours will be straight up honest. So you got the answer to your question but didn’t like it. Stop fishing for compliments. As you can see, you may not like his real answers. He’s with you. That’s all you need to know.

    #743636 Reply

    Amba

    A

    #743637 Reply

    Carilla

    I asked because of one big reason. When he was in another country for two months I tried to keep intimate relatinship with him (it was three months ago). I took some photos of mine and sent him, they were a bit sexual but he reacted in a way that he didn’t want to see them. I tried second time after few days and his reaction was the same. I dropped this topic, I thought that he doesn’t like such photos, doesn’t feel comfortable and so on. When he came back I saw that actually he likes such photos a lot, he was watching such photos whole time on the Internet – just didn’t want to see mine. When I asked him what is going on he told me that well, my photos weren’t attractive enough and he’s probably bored about my body. And that it’s normal. I asked him directly if it means he watched other girls’ photos because he was bored or because he imagined to have sex with these girls. And he said he wish to have sex with them but he is not doing that, just is thinking about it and I shouldn’t judge him, because it’s normal for guys. I felt really bad hearing that and I had really hard time. He told me after this that he wants to repair what he did and I told him that I need to hear good stuff from him because it will help me to deal with what he told me. It’s why I asked.

    And about him being honest. I could understand this that he’s honest guy and it’s why he told me that. But he is not. He lies without any problem when he needs to avoid something.

    #743638 Reply

    Ok

    Then why are you even with a man who doesn’t make you happy. He sounds like a real jerk.

    #743640 Reply

    Nathalie

    What’s crossing my mind here is why did he feel the need to bring it up again and explain himself after his shower??!!! Maybe he is indirectly telling you to be more in shape? In the end, the important thing is you should be with a person that makes you feel secure and yourself!!

    #743642 Reply

    Newbie

    You must be dating the most insensitive guy in town. First he says your body is boring, now this.
    Clearly he made you insecure, first with the pictures and this time you asked for some validation and the opposite happened. How is your relationship in general? You have future goals, work together as a couple, are best friends, say love etc. I think in the relationship as a whole are the clues if this is working or not.
    If you are trying too hard to sexualize the relationship it maybe its unbalanced. Does he make you inSecure on purpose. If there are no life goals set by now, it could be a glorified fwb.
    Guys like beauty but thats not the sole reason to stay in a relationship. They bond through other qualities and memories, like being his biggest supporter, respect trust and friendship. Those are indicators. I can easily say dump his insenstive ass, but i think you need to assess everything

    #743645 Reply

    Padmini

    It seems like both you and your boyfriend are emotionally and socially immature as of now and not as experienced with committed relationships. However, you both can always work on doing your bits in maturing and making the best of the relationship.

    My female friend, who is experienced with relationships, has given me the input that guys care very much what a girl’s body looks like. So I induct that physical attraction is a critical factor in the relationship, but not everything.

    On the whole, I do not think that your boyfriend is being sensitive or mature in his vocalizations, though he has been honest. It is sad that he is not making you feel good about yourself.

    I agree with the others that it may not have been wise to ask your boyfriend that question. However, you do have an honest answer.

    So if you want, you can make the most of this situation for both of you by working on your body and also directing your relationship towards being assertive and respectful.

    #743647 Reply

    Nathalie

    Just noticed your update!!

    This is not the guy for you. Not to cause trouble in your relationship but he strikes as the type that has a gf at home for comfort, but cheats for hotness. He’s most definitely cheating or will cheat on you. Red flags everywhere!!! For a 29 year old he sounds 16!! Have no idea what love should be. He doesn’t even love you if he is saying all these mean sh!t!! Honesty is completely different from mean! A person who’s in a relationship
    with you should feel like you’re the best he will ever have! That it doesn’t get better than this. But he is actually telling you that those other girls are better. 1-5 years and you haven’t seen that? Come on now!

    #743654 Reply

    Crisula

    Carilla, surely you can do better than this pr*ck?

    It’s like he’s getting a kick out of purposely hurting you

    #743656 Reply

    Zoe

    I think his intelligence level is very low. I think you should drop this looser

    #743658 Reply

    kaye

    There’s honesty, there’s brutal honesty and then there’s kicking you when you’re down! For you to send him sexy photos and not only does he tell you he doesn’t want to see them but they weren’t attractive enough he just sounds like a total douche bag!! What girlfriend wouldn’t be upset by that? Then he further tells you he wants to have sex with these girls. So he’s in the dog house, says he wants to repair the relationship and then has to tell you you’re a 7/10 and he has female friends hotter than you!! Now you add the fact he lies with no problem to avoid conflict. Seriously why are you with this guy?!? He sounds like the kind of guy who wants to bring down your self esteem so you won’t think any other guy would want you and you’re lucky to have him!!

    How about telling him he’s not as well endowed as other guys you’ve been with and he’s maybe a 5/10 in the love making department!!

    #743661 Reply

    Khadija

    Dump this guy please.

    What he said was just plain mean and hurtful.

    #743664 Reply

    Raven

    There is a better guy for You out there…

    #743665 Reply

    Katie

    Ummmm… bye Felicia!! I’m willing to bet he’s not exactly a supermodel himself. I watched my sister date a guy like this and it destroyed her self esteem. Tell him you’re letting him go to find the greener grass somewhere else. Dump. Like yesterday.

    #743666 Reply

    Carilla

    @Nathalie and @Padmini The problem is that I can say I’m in shape. I don’t have perfect body, I have flaws but who doesn’t?

    I think it’s the best to not be so anonymous in this topic, I created instagram account which I will delete later. It’s me: www.instagram.com/carilla123/ (I specially added many photos to show myself from different perspectives). I know that I’m not perfect, I have many flaws, but I also know I’m not ugly, I know I have nice body.

    @Newbie He tells me that he loves me whole time, few times per day. He hugs and kisses me a lot. He cares about me when I’m sick. But he’s like a coin – has two sides, from one side he is amazing man which every woman would want to be with, and from another he’s terrible person who tells me such things and sometimes behave even worse.

    @kaye I’m with him because I belived whole time that I’m the problem and every guy is like him. He is telling me whole time that I’m too much sensitive, that I ask and can’t accept truth, that it’s normal and every guy is like him. That I’m jealousy and should work with myself. I think I lost myself somewhere…

    Honestly girls, I’m starting to think that he manipulates me very much… I’m asking myself whole time if I would be able to say something like that to him and my answer is every time no because I care for him and love him very much.

    #743669 Reply

    Crisula

    Carilla,

    I think you’re missing the point.

    What you look like is irrelevant ~ this guy is using you as his emotional punching bag.

    #743673 Reply

    Persephone

    Girl, you are super cute! I’m guessing he’s not all that happy with his own body which is why he’s transferring those feelings onto you.

    Dump him! He will never be happy.

    #743677 Reply

    Carilla

    @Newbie I forgot to add – we have future goals and plans. At least I always thought so. He often tells me about our children in the future, about buying house, about trveling to other countries when we will be old. But one quarrel and he can tell me such things like “ok, so looks like we don’t have any future, no engagement, no wedding” or “you would be terrible mother”, later he apologizes but sometimes I feel that there is no value in his apologizes, he apologizes and does it again and again. I kinda feel like all what he is doing is blackmailing me to make me behave as he wants.

    #743682 Reply

    Nathalie

    He’s a narcissist. Makes you feel bad about yourself for him to feel good about himself. So what you look like is beside the point. Whatever the crap he is promising you of the future it doesn’t mean anything if he will treat you like trash when in disagreement or because he felt like it.

    Everybody has a good and bad side. But his level of bad is unacceptable. He is demeaning you. His so called honesty/criticism is not constructive.

    “I kinda feel like all what he is doing is blackmailing me to make me behave as he wants.” This is abusive behaviours. He is with you because he can control you and put you down and you let him. I know you won’t listen to me but I will say it anyway..please do not stay with this guy.

    #743683 Reply

    Padmini

    Carilla, you are certainly good enough for yourself and anybody else! However, you need to believe it yourself in order to draw the good ones to you. I actually see that you do believe deep down that you are attractive enough, but are being manipulated by him.

    I agree with Nathalie’s above post. The major red flag is a sociopathic narcissist, who emotionally blackmails you into thinking that you cannot get anybody else.

    If I were you, the first move I would make would be to cut this loser out of my life! Then everything will fall into place.

    Good luck! :)

    #743687 Reply

    Better off single

    I could never be with a man who isn’t happy with his decision to have me and wants me to fit into his “perfect life” by changing me into some f*ucking emotionless Barbie doll that isn’t allowed to think for myself. Who plays on my insecurities to gain control over me. I would be totally disgusted with him.

    Sure, physical attraction plays a big part in relationships. A woman should do her best to always look great for her guy (not letting yourself go and gaining a bunch of weight) the same goes for men too. You don’t have to look like some supermodel to have a good relationship with someone. If he can’t accept you may have a few stretchmarks and a small muffin top but a heart of gold and good intentions when you put jeans on and wants you to have a flat stomach and a fake tan he can go f*ck himself and go find a woman who is easier to control. It wouldn’t be me.

    Walk away from this control freak.

    #743753 Reply

    Carilla

    Hi! I’m going with an update. After reading all your responses I had one more talk with him, I told him that I have enough, that I can’t be in such relationship anymore. He interrupted me and told me that he loves me, that everyone makes mistakes, that he wants to change and be a better man for me. I wanted to break up with him but his speech melted me.

    But still, I had a feeling that it’s nothing more than words. Next day I asked him why he actually wants to change and be a better man for me, and he answered “because when you will tell about me to other girls they will be jealous that you are with such man”. Not because he loves me, not because he wants me to be happy.

    Anyway, I’m done. I broke up with him. It’s really hard because I really love him… but I did researches and I’m afraid that you girls are right, I was dealing in the best scenario with narcissist, in the worst with some psychopath with narcissistic traits.

    #743761 Reply

    Pearl

    Carilla, I am really glad you came back to us with this update.
    And well done to you. I see that you love him and I admire you for being strong and breaking away from this Narcissist.
    Please keep your head up and remind yourself what an amazing strong beautiful woman you are. Soon your love will fade and when you meet someone who treats you they way you deserve and this will all hopefully just be a bad memory. Good Luck to you my darling.

    #743762 Reply

    Better off single

    Never settle for a man who is probably never satisfied and pays more attention to what’s on the outside. You’re beautiful.

    Or this was some jerk posting who hacked into an innocent girl’s phone and uses her photos to manipulate men out of money… Just saying.

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