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Maddie.
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Emma
My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 6 months. We’ve had our ups and downs, as we are currently long distance until May. Two nights ago, we were having a normal conversation over text before bed, when all of a sudden he gets very angry, saying “f this and f that, f everything” (but actually cursing) and I startled me because we had been having a regular conversation. I ask him politely to calm down and tell me what was bothering him, and he started cursing at me for telling him to calm down. I told him that he was clearly upset and angry and that calming down his emotions would be best, and he once again cursed me out. I told him that I felt disrespected so I was going to bed so that he could cool down. He yelled at me saying “oh yeah go f-ing run off like you always do, run away and leave me with all our problems” That confused me as I am always the one begging him to talk about any problem we have. I told him I was hurt by his cruel words and he responded with “f you, f off” So after that I just left him alone, as I had an 8AM class in the morning. I wake up to nine long texts from him, about 1,600 words. The first three were him ranting at me still, and then the next six were him saying he was sorry and that he didn’t know why he snapped at me. I waited until my class was over and then I called him for two hours. At this point I was still very hurt and upset. I read out the texts that he sent and broke them down, making him explain what he could. Bottom line, he had absolutely no idea why he did that. It was very out of pocket for him. We almost ended things right there but decided to give our relationship one more shot. I am still kinda distant, as his words still hurt a lot. He looks like he is trying to patch things up, but today he got annoyed that I was a little distant because I called him his name instead of “honey”, which is what I normally call him, and now he won’t answer my texts. I just don’t know what to do. We have our whole life planned out together, I have never loved someone so much before. Is the relationship worth saving? I need advice, please.
AngieBaby
Yeah, keep going if you want a whole life of this drama. I don’t believe that was part of your plan. But if you continue with him that’s what you’ll get.
I’m really sorry Emma but you need to end this now. This is bizarre, dangerous behavior and is likely one of the following: rage/anger management problem, drug or alcohol problem, mental health issue. It’s easy to keep up the niceness for 6 months but at that point reality shines through loud and clear. There is absolutely no excuse for him to abuse you like this and make no mistake this is ABUSE. This is not love. You don’t treat someone you love like this. I know it’s not what you want to hear and it’s going to be hard but if you stay in this you’re going to ride an emotional rollercoaster that will drain and devastate you.
Text him and tell him this behavior is completely unacceptable and you are done with him. Make arrangements to get any of your things back and stay away before he gets physical with you. Block him. You need to make this break-up stick for your wellbeing. If you let him get away with it you will teach him it’s OK and he’ll do it again. Get local support as well as posting here. You will be very sorry if you stay in this.
Raven
Drugs or alcohol involved?
History of Bi-Polar or other/another Mental Health issues?
Emma
UPDATE: he has ignored my texts for three hours but he has been active on instagram. He promised me he was going to try hard to fix things but I have no idea why he is ignoring me.
Emma
Raven, he has done alcohol and drugs in the past but I know 100% that he was sober while texting me. I have been convinced for months that he might be bipolar but he has not been diagnosed with any kind of mental health problem, he refuses to go get help for anything.
Raven
Sorry Emma…
Unless he gets help & follows through, You will be his emotional punching bag. Think about YOUR future.Maddie
I’m sorry you’re in this position :( It can be very painful when someone gets increasingly erratic and you don’t even know why.
I’ve known bipolar people with certain triggers who can go into almost a long trance of lashing out at those around them. They’re sorry after, they can’t necessarily explain it, they don’t even necessarily remember it!!… but without help and a lot of management, it only gets worse not better. If he has a mental health condition like that, he does need help, and the younger he can get diagnosed and learn tools for how to manage it, the better it will be (as it can also take quite a bit of trial and error to find the right treatments). I’ve known older people who didn’t seek help or know until later in life who in the meantime battled with substance abuse trying to self-medicate without knowing it, had trouble keeping jobs, engaged in risky behavior and regretted it after… if he refuses to seek help and has a condition like this, you should leave the relationship. It will continue to get abusive, even though he doesn’t mean for it to be. But it’s his responsibility to get help, and if he’s concerned about his ability to treat you well and show up as a good partner, then that’s what he needs to do. There’s nothing you can do besides share your concerns with him and hold really good, healthy boundaries. And end it if he’s not very quickly and seriously scheduling an evaluation appointment or something like that (at his initiative, you dragging him in begrudgingly means he won’t take it seriously enough).
It’s also really difficult to watch someone you care about eventually self-destruct if they’re flat out unwilling to address their demons, because you can’t do anything about it. But you can’t let him drag you down if he needs help but refuses to deal with it.
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