I can't stop controlling my partner


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This topic contains 18 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Better off single 1 month, 1 week ago.

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  • #757248 Reply

    Holly

    Hello there,

    I have a big problem, I feel the need to control my partner and look through his phone. Not because there is any suspective behaviour, but simply because he is a guy and I think 90% of the guys cheats at one point. Actually I think he is not cheating but I also think it’s better to control him from time to time, just to make sure I’m not wasting any time.

    I am not scared of the cheating itself, but scared of not finding it out.
    I read almost every day stories, where the girl found out after a big amount of time that their partner cheated, or hearing about women who still have no idea.

    If a guy cheats on me I would be hurt, but could break up. But what when I’m never finding it out? When the relationship doesn’t work out or he cheats and I break up, I don’t see it as time wasting, but what if I stay with him because I have no clue and miss out great opportunities because of a lie?

    I don’t think that talking to him or in other relationships would help it. Even if I beg him if he ever cheats he has to tell me, who is so stupid and tells that he cheated if he knows exactly that I will break up then? So the only possibility to find it out for sure is control, not often but once or twice a year, to make sure I’m not wasting years of time. I did that with all my partners before.

    The first 2 relationships cheated on me, and I found out too late and through other people. Afterwards and after hearing about other relationships I started to control all guys I’ve been with, even when there was not any small suspicion. the guys never knew it, I never acted jealous and they always thought I’m a relaxed girlfriend. And I found out they cheated, every single one of them, guys you never would have expect them to cheat. If I hadn’t controlled, I would probably have wasted years on time with the guys and didn’t travel so much like I did.

    But I want to change that thinking, I want to stop controlling them. If I just could be sure that if he would cheat I would find it out for sure I could live in peace.

    Maybe the reason is I was a digital nomad before I met my partner, but this lifestyle is not compatible with a relationship. I loved that lifestyle and I had to decide between it and between my partner. My partner was more important than this lifestyle, so I gave it up. But when I would not find out a cheating and gave this lifestyle up for a cheater it would kill me. Different when I find it out immediately, then I will break up and keep living this lifestyle.

    I really know that my behaviour is wrong and I want to stop it. But how? What are the first steps? How to change my mind about missing out something? Every time I go through his phone and find nothing I feel bad as hell. I think if I didn’t give this lifestyle up and would have lived normally like every other person too I would not control the guys, because I’m not giving anything big up for them apart from some time.

    #757256 Reply

    L

    You could stop if you choose the right kind of men.

    #757271 Reply

    Better off single

    Stay single before you traumatize someone

    #757272 Reply

    Better off single

    It starts with trusting the person.

    How many of your thoughts about him cheating on you were lies? How dar did that get you?

    If you believe all men are the same, wtf are you dating for?

    #757274 Reply

    Michelle

    Geez, what a couple of bitchy responses. This woman is suffering and asking for help and you just kick her. BOS – you’re so F’up beyond repair you don’t have a right to say a word about anyone else. L – you just kick people for fun. This site is full of jerks.

    @Holly, please ignore anyone who’s an unhelpful a-hole. These are pathetic individuals with too much time on their hands.

    I’m very sorry you’re having a hard time with this issue. Being cheated on twice obviously caused you trauma that you aren’t healing from. Honestly, I don’t think you’re going to be able to solve this without the help of a professional. Have you tried counseling?

    You just cannot control what other people do, you can only control yourself. That’s the first thing you have to come to terms with. Also, you tend to get exactly what you fear most.

    #757276 Reply

    Better off single

    F_d up beyond repair because of a CHEATER!

    #757277 Reply

    Better off single

    Because lile the OP i gave away all my trust and got f×cked over. Now I dont yrust anyone or date because i dont want to be CHEATED ON

    #757295 Reply

    Lane

    I actually don’t think its wrong to check up on a partner now and again (not stalk) to see if they are hiding anything of importance from you, no differently than you would check up on anyone else for a legitimate reason or purpose. Although, I will say, when you seek to find…you’ll usually find it.

    Not all men stray (cheat) but unfortunately you can’t know which one’s do or don’t until it does or doesn’t happen.

    All you can really do is set your own boundaries and cross your fingers they don’t cross over them. My ex husband never cheated in our 20 year marriage because he was cheated on by his first wife with his best friend so he personally understood the pain associated with it and the primary reason he refused to engage in it.

    I however, due to age, am looking at it very differently than I did in my 20’s. It truly is an individual choice; whereas those who want to be monogamous should and those who don’t, shouldn’t. Whatever comes naturally to you and makes you happy is the one you should choose, and of course, with that, is choosing a mate with the same values you have. I do believe,however, that if you accept a partner who has cheated before, then you are accepting a non-monogamous partner and need to be aware they will most likely do it again, and lose the natural desire (internal battle) to have sex with another eventually.

    #757304 Reply

    Miss_A

    If you live your life assuming the worst, you’ll just make yourself miserable. That’s no way to live. Some people (men and women) cheat. And some don’t. Trust your partner unless he gives you a reason not to. Otherwise you’ll just drive yourself crazy, you’ll grow to resent him, you’ll break up with him, and then start the painful cycle again in your next relationship.

    The bottom line is, you can’t control anyone but yourself. Ever. There’s a quote I love and live by:

    “A bird perched in a tree doesn’t worry about the branch falling, because her faith isn’t in the branch, but in her own wings.”

    Deal with each situation as it arises; as they say, cross that bridge when (if) you come to it. Know that you’ll be okay no matter what happens.

    Believe in yourself.

    #757305 Reply

    Ellie

    @BOS stop whining and blaming someone else for your pathetic disaster of a life. It’s your choice to stay screwed up or not. At least Holly’s here trying to change herself. You’ve spent three whole years on this site repeatedly posting off the wall s$%^ and insisting someone on this site is stalking you and playing songs on your radio. And yet you still think you should be giving others advice about relationships. You’re seriously psychotic.

    #757306 Reply

    Ok

    Way to go Ellie. Have much compassion?

    #757310 Reply

    Tallgirl

    Wow, Ok is the defender of compassion? That is rich.

    #757311 Reply

    Ellie

    Ok… every word I said is true. Look at BOS’s latest crazy post, and all the rest. And you think BOS showed any “compassion” with her response to Holly??

    #757312 Reply

    Ok

    Tall girl is just a walking talking book of cliches she learned from reading too many self help books. At least I don’t toss out fake and flowery suggestions for text messaging.

    BOS is BOS and if you want to pick on a woman who uses this forum to blog and vent, have at it. Just shows how small you are. Stephen has huge issues and yet I’ve seen women in here actually support him. Which blows my mind because he’s got major issues and the worst part is he makes up threads and intentionally uses every opportunity to make women look bad. A mysogynist. I’ll support BOS any day.

    #757340 Reply

    Eliz

    You were traumatized with your first two relationships. You were humiliated when you found about a partners cheating from others. You are terrified to feel that way again. Eventually it will come down to trust. You will have to make a choice. Thats the breaks.

    #757367 Reply

    Veronica

    I guess a definition of cheating varies with everyone. Someone thinks her or his partner is cheating when he/she merely talks to other person of opposite sex. Then someone else doesn’t consider his partner cheating unless they actually have an intercourse. So it depends on individual perception. I don’t think there is anything wrong having a person of opposite sex for a friend. I personally preferred having male friends to females since my early childhood. In later age, I had male friends, just hanging out together without any sexual thoughts….some having girlfriends, some didn’t, just having fun like we would have with people of the same gender. Jealousy is a big turn off for many men a most likely for women too. I didn’t realize that until I saw it in a movie one time and then in TV sitcom.

    My own rule of thumb is….if my partner behaves the same way towards me, pays attention to me, have the same dating frequency together, feel the same connection, I remain his priority and nothing changes in our sexuality….then I don’t care what else he does around other women. When things start to change and he starts calling you less, cancels your dates, doesn’t want to have sex with you…..yes, then you have a reason to worry.

    #757369 Reply

    Better off single

    Call it like you see it i guess. I know who I am. Thank you for your kind words, Ok.

    #757370 Reply

    Better off single

    My life is not much of a disaster.

    I have my needs met.
    I have a roof over my head.
    My kids are healthy.
    I’m healthy.
    I have just enough to get by.
    I have clean water.
    I eat everyday.
    I work hard at a full time job. Probably should work harder.

    My only problem is what im going through emotionally because someone IS interfering with my life.

    #757371 Reply

    Better off single

    I’m being treated like a child or a wife the husband has no respect for instead of an individual adult who thinks for herself.

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