I can’t be with anyone right now, it’s too much stress.


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This topic contains 13 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  tammy 3 weeks, 6 days ago.

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  • #743989 Reply

    Jarcom

    I have been with this guy for a bit more than 8 months. We met through common friends and since we met there was a pretty fast attraction and things worked out very well. He soon moved in with me and I loved to have him home.

    Problem is, he doesn’t do enough money. And I don’t me for me, but for himself.

    He owns his own business and struggles to get until the end of the month and pay his bills. At first I was optimistic about the business working, but slowly, after 8 months of seeing him suffering, I lost all the optimism.

    I know man hate when we try to “fix” them, but I can’t help but telling him to look for another job, like perhaps part time, while his business grows. He just doesn’t want to work for anyone else, he wants to do what he does and he knows is going to work, there is no discussion about it. Any comment about it he would feel offended and complain that I have no faith in his business. He gets really sad about his lack of success and he goes from days that he seems depress to days that he is very irritable and this has been deteriorating our relationship slowly.

    When he moved in with me, things got a bit more difficult for his business because my area doesn’t have as much work, so to speak. I want to eventually move to the town where he was living and I have living where I am, but I just can’t right now for my financial situation which also puts more pressure on him because if we could split things half, we could move together. But he can’t even afford paying me in my current apartment, a 20% of the rent. That’s how bad he does in his job right now. All discussions end with him telling me I need a rich guy to be with me and I don’t know how to be with someone like him.

    In order to try to save things, we agreed he would move to his old town, in a room or a small place so he could work from there and things were going to go slowly better. He moved out a couple weeks ago, we met on the weekend, things were fine. He seemed happier, although breaking down at times when realizing he is, literally, homeless.

    We kept talking and by mid-week I asked him if instead of me paying someone to fix some things I need to be done in the apartment, if he wanted to do them and I pay him. He said no, because he needed to focus on his job. That surprised me because he can’t work on weekends therefore sound like an excuse. Then later that day he asked me “what are you doing?” and I said “getting ready to bed. You?” and he said “I am applying to volunteer this summer on this thing”. I got really really mad. I tried to not to explode through texts and on my best way I asked him if he was sure to do it because he needed to focus on his business and he said “it is summer and a friend asked”. That very moment I decided to give up on him. I just don’t understand how he is so blind about his own situation. He is being living for 2 weeks in his friend’s couch and can stay there until the end of April. Then he needs to have enough money for a place to live. He can volunteer but he can’t make small jobs that will give him money plus spend time with his gf? When I said that, he said he didn’t want to do that project with me because he gets stressed out spending time with me. So I said, far enough, I don’t even know why we were dating and living together then. I know he gets stressed out because I try to help and he doesn’t want the help but I wasn’t expecting his answer. He finished with the classic, I can’t be with anyone right now, it’s too much stress. And I finished with “I hope you find someone for whom is worth finding a job, since it seems you don’t find yourself worth that commodity” I am extremely heart broken and I know I did the right thing calling things off. I deleted his phone, blocked him on facebook. I am really want to move on him but at the same time I keep looking at my phone hoping he’ll text and apologize and tells me he wants to see me again and try to work things out.

    I am not really sure what type of answers I am looking for here. I think maybe some criticism about if what I did was right or what would you guys have done in my situation.

    Thanks,

    #743994 Reply

    Raven

    Sounds like you two moved way too fast…

    You didn’t know him when you moved in & got stuck with an unmotivated guy…

    He’s not going to change… Sorry honey-

    #743996 Reply

    Better off single

    Be more supportive if he doesn’t care about help. Support and help are two different things. It sounds like he isn’t in a place in his life where he’s “winning” and guys like to be “winning” if you’re in the crowd booing him along with everyone else how is that supportive? It seems he’s getting upset/stressed out because instead of being a partner, you’re more like a parent.

    “I can’t be with anyone (you) right now, it’s too much stress” you’re stressing him out trying to control the flow and outcome of his plans he doesn’t feel comfortable sharing with you. Probably because you’re being controlling or too pushy(“helping”)

    #744002 Reply

    L

    It’s called…. being used.

    #744003 Reply

    jarcom

    Raven, maybe, but don’t get me wrong, he works a lot, A LOT! but his business just doesn’t work that well. He is just too stubborn to admit it and give up or at least partially until it fully flies.

    Better of single, I definitely pushed him a lot, but because he gets really sad and depress. I also helped him a lot. I live in a 1 bedroom and moved the bed to the living room so he could have the room as an office. I have posted things about his business in facebook constantly, as he things women get more attention. I have driven to pick up stuff for him and for the future I had offered help in other things.

    There is so much help for small business in my town that he could take advantage of and he doesn’t do it. Sometimes I think he is scared of success. He’s told me multiple times that he likes when he can fit all he owns in his car, that it gives him peace of mind. But my peace of mind comes with having a ceiling in my head and work to keep it.

    #744005 Reply

    L

    What a smart woman.. smh

    #744007 Reply

    jarcom

    L, he may be a poor man, but he is very honest. The way he treated me and the things he did for me, that’s definitely love. And if it was not, it was worth living the lie.

    #744010 Reply

    L

    Wow…he’s living off of you chica. Your post is so bad I triple posted.

    #744020 Reply

    Lane

    I understand where he’s at. When I started my business it consumed ALL of my time and had very little resources )money) because I sunk majority of it into the purchase and then initiating my vision. There were times I felt like he did and told myself “WTF was I thinking” and wishing I could go back to my six figure salary where work ended when I left on Friday and began the next Monday….I had a fun and active LIFE and literally gave it a;; up just so I could be a slave to my business.

    They say it takes about five years before you make a profit and it’s true! I was lucky enough to be in a location that held a major and a few smaller events throughout the year that allowed me to cut that to under four years and now not only seeing the fruits of all my labor but working less to boot! Running a business is not for the faint of heart though, it takes a lot of hard work and must be you’re no. 1 priority if you’re fully vested, committed and want to be successful.

    I don’t know how long he’s been in this business or type of business but if you put in the time, blood, sweat and tears you’ll eventually see the results. I’m thankful I have a super supportive BF who was my rock during some very difficult times….he’s a saint to be honest because like you I don’t think I could have ‘stuck it out’ like he did lol.

    Its sounds like your expectations were not in-line with reality. I understand your side but I understand his too and if you can’t work as ‘a team’ to reach that goal its going to fail. Like I said, right now it may seem like he’s not be pulling his weight financially right now but if he does get it to the point of success that would change…it ultimately depends on how long your willing to wait before you see see those results.

    #744021 Reply

    Raven

    Who wants to support a man, especially one you’re not married to… Raise your hand.

    #744039 Reply

    jarcom

    Thanks Lane,

    he is being in this business for many years, but before, like 5 years ago, he was doing it from his home town where there is much more work and life is cheaper. He sold his house and came to this area. In three years he spend already all the money he had saved. He does not spend much, he eats home, barely drinks, doesn’t believe in having a big closet and drives a car that cost him $250 and fixes himself. That is why i lost faith in his job, because you can’t live with less money and work so many hours. I think he needs help for tracing a business plan. He has good credit and no debt. One thing he says would help his business is to have a location, like a store. He could sit and make numbers and talk to a bank and get a little loan to be able to rent a store and then hire someone. 80% of the job he does can be done by a non-qualified person. If he hires someone he would have way more time to do the part of the job that he enjoys and that actually generates money. I think his business can work but it needs a push and I don’t know why he doesn’t want that push.

    I don’t have my own business by my father does, so does my brother and sister together. I know that to make money you have to spend money. I don’t know, i really think he needs advice or give up

    #744071 Reply

    alia

    If he doesn’t have capital to be in business, he is spinning his wheels, you have to have a few dollars stashed away or a partner with a few dollars. Operating a business, even a tiny business takes capital. And of you don’t have the capital and don’t invest it, you’re not going to see results. That’s just the way it is. So you’re right, if he is dragging his feet, he is not going to see success.
    However, you agreed for him to move in and then decided it didn’t work for you, you need to take reaponsibility for your part in this equation. If you’re financially secure, what does it matter if he makes money or not? If you’re looking for someone, who makes the same amount you make, you need to start with that. Because that seems like is a dealbreaker for you. Just beware that a man, who makes the same amount as you may not necessarily spend it on what you think he should spend it. In other words, stop counting your partner’s money and life will be much easier for you.

    #744095 Reply

    Emma

    Jarcom, why did you move in with a man who makes next to nothing? It would have been easier NOT to get involved that deep, but now you had to kick him out, understandably.

    He does what he wants to do, of course you feel frustrated, but it is not your life. All you can do is distance yourself and let him make all mistakes he is set out to make and then endure all the consequences.

    You can love someone but not have a possibility to be with them. And this “impossibility” can be of different type, age, location, religion, life choices, etc. But ultimately, it does not matter which type it is. What matter is that it is impossible, so stop trying to push a square keg into a round hole and move on. You will not achieve anything by being “violent”. Pushing something onto him that he does not want is a form of violence (in an exaggerated way). Let him be free to live as he wants and run his business (whatever that is) the way he wants, but yourself, be free not to.

    #744115 Reply

    tammy

    I think its gud that you guys cut off contact. its not just about him struggling to make ends meet till he starts making some money in his business. its also some of the decisions hes made while struggling which you think are not right. when your trying to stay afloat and survive, it doesnt make sense to me either to take up volunteer work which takes up time when I could be using that same time to better my situation and earn money.

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