I asked him about his porn consumption. Do not know what to do with the answer


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This topic contains 25 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Shoshannah 4 weeks, 1 day ago.

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  • #773191 Reply

    Amy Black

    I [F32] had a talk with him [M31] about all the times that we initiate sex and then he loses interest because it happened again (I’ve posted about it here before: Mismatched sex drives [M31;F32]. I want sex [F32] more than he does. Why do I now feel insecure?).

    I asked him what happens when he loses interest and his erection, I asked what goes through his mind, if it’s stress or performance anxiety, or something else.

    He got quite angry with me. He said he’s just not a sexual person. I then asked him why he watches porn and masturbates if he’s not that interested in sex. He said that’s completely off the point and that porn and masturbation have nothing to do with his low sex drive. He said “I have a low sex drive, I’m not asexual”. He also said that he needs porn to masturbate because he’s not that sexual.

    He said that he needs me to be more verbal (e.g. tell him how much I love him and how much I want to **** him) so that maybe he’ll be able to maintain an erection.

    I don’t know what to do anymore.

    #773194 Reply

    Kathy

    This man isn’t normal. Normal guys don’t have a problem holding an erection if they are interested in you. Low sex drive, performance problems, whatever… This is HIS problem and I would find another boyfriend, because you are not going to be happy with this man.. Just frustrated!

    #773197 Reply

    Anderson

    It’s starting to make more sense now. I completely forgot about the possibility of porn in your previous post. How often does he watch it?

    The thing about porn is, there’s been research done where sometimes the more you watch it, gradually the stronger “stimulus” you start needing to get excited, to the point where a real person doesn’t cut it as well anymore. Of course, doesn’t hold true for everyone, but yeah. It’s too soon to conclude if he has some sort of porn addiction, but I want to bet porn is contributing to y’alls issues.

    Mind you, every guy is different. Some can watch porn and it doesn’t affect their relationship. But there are a lot of personal anecdotes by guys online that say quitting porn helped them have a healthier outlook/expectation of sex as well as normal frequency and stronger erections.

    I can’t tell if your bf is naive or in denial. Although claiming to “need porn to masturbate because I’m not very sexual” is pretty silly/ignorant. He would definitely be more sexual in the rship if he quit porn. Even within days. Him quitting porn is definitely worth trying to help y’alls sex life. The problem is, it might be months until he detoxes from it. And given his attitude, forget the patience/self-control required for that, he doesn’t even seem like he’d want to try.

    #773205 Reply

    Newbie

    I think you already know the answer here. Why keep dragging a horse to the water when he doesnt even want to drink it?
    Nobody is perfect but the problem with this is that it will and maybe already does affect your selfesteem. And there is a really simple solution for it: find another man and in the meantime be a happy single with a vibrator.
    I second what Anderson is saying but i like to add something: he may not to be that sexually interested in you. And i dont mean this as being harsh. I knew a supersweet guy who wanted to find a partner and he took it very serious. He had a small string of short lived relationships and he told me that in one case he just couldnt get aroused. He didnt understand it, she was pretty but it just wasnt a match sexually. In either case i would say: pack your bags and leave him to his porn. Its really not worth the effort when you have so many other options

    #773206 Reply

    Lane

    I agree with others. Not sure why you want to be so sexually frustrated all the time? What does he truly offer, other than potentially becoming sexless roommates, that keeps you stuck on this guy?

    I think you’re a co-dependent which I define as “someone who tries to create order out of disorder” as you are expending a whole lot of time and energy trying analyze and FIX (key word) him. Trust me, you would be far happier single with Mr. Jack Rabbit.

    #773207 Reply

    Anon 2

    Wit??? Not normal?? What a crock of…He could have ED or he has a porn problem which means he ain’t aroused by normal sex. To say if he can’t hold an erection then he isn’t interested in the OP is a ridiculous statement

    #773240 Reply

    Amy Black

    I guess I’m hoping that we can fix this together.

    How would you bring it up with him? In a way that doesn’t sound accusatory or blaming …

    #773243 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    I read and replied to your other post. Are you sure this is worth fixing? You’re saying he got angry when you tried to talk with him about your sexual problems as a couple. He’s blaming his erectile dysfunction on you, saying that it’s your fault for not being verbal enough. He should be taking ownership of the problem and trying to find a solution.

    For this to be fixable, he has to WANT to fix it, and it doesn’t sound like he’s willing to do the work. You can’t “fix” this on your own.

    #773250 Reply

    Dumb

    Look, if you want to fix this you are going to have to go to his sexual level. What kind of porn is he watching? What is the girl saying/doing while they are getting it on? Mimic that and see what happens. Porn is shamed so much and he probably does not feel comfortable when you are practically shamefully accusing him of enjoying the porn more than you.

    Or just see you 2 arent sexually compatible and decide whether or not you want to put up with it the next 50 years.

    #773251 Reply

    Amy Black

    I’ve tried to get him to tell me what he’s into and what he watches. He refuses to do that … I don’t feel comfortable going through his search history to find out. I’m not sure what else I could possibly do. I already try behave like he wants me to (e.g., being verbal, wearing a choker, ect) … it doesn’t work.

    #773254 Reply

    Raven

    Why not find a guy who you can be yourself with?

    #773255 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    Read what you just wrote. He is point blank refusing to help you solve his problem. He sounds like a selfish jerk. Why are you so desperate to be with him?

    #773301 Reply

    Amy Black

    Because I’m in love with him and I can’t bring myself to leave. I feel like I need to know for sure that it’s a problem with porn and not just a low libido like he says it is. I don’t know how I’ll ever know though …

    #773303 Reply

    Warasen

    What do you love about him? Does it out weigh your need for sex? Can you be satisfied with masturbation instead of intercourse with your boyfriend? These might be things to consider if you want a long term relationship with this guy.

    Be aware that this might affect your self esteem eventually, if it hasn’t already.

    #773317 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    Warasen has a good point about the self esteem issue. This is already chipping away at your self esteem and it will only get worse.

    I was in love with a boyfriend who had a very low interest in sex. As in, I would practically have to beg him to have sex with me. He’d try to make me feel like there was something wrong with me for wanting sex more than once a month (he was in his early 30s). It got to the point where I’d cry over it and we’d argue over his lack of interest in sex. It most definitely affected my self esteem and made me very unhappy. Long story short, it turns out that boyfriend was gay and totally in denial, even to himself.

    It occurs to me that maybe your boyfriend is gay, or perhaps has some extreme/unusual fetish that he is not comfortable sharing with you. That would explain why he won’t tell you what kind of porn he’s into, if it’s some unusual fetish porn, or gay porn. Just an idea.

    #773326 Reply

    Anderson

    I understand the focus has naturally shifted on him because of his struggles, but has he ever even had sex for -you-? If you love him so dearly and want to find compromises/fixes, then I’m puzzled if y’all have not discussed or tried this.

    I know everyone’s different. But I’ve been with someone who I didn’t see a future with. And someone who I did, plus loved dearly. The difference was how instinctively selfish/giving I was during sex. Want to question if he actually is in love with you? Talks of family are nice sure and reassuring, but are never a guarantee or proof of anything.

    #773331 Reply

    Newbie

    Please try not to find out what kind of porn he is into. Its not a 1:1 reflection on what you like for real and knowing can be really disturbing. To this day i never disclosed it with my partner.
    But i get you want to fix it, assuming you both care, he doesnt cheat but isnt just that into sex. But what are you going to fix? Try to get him to have more sex? He already closed that door saying he has a low sexdrive and needs porn to make up for it. The only thing i can think of is asking him to refrain from porn for a week and see how that goes. I think there is a high chance he wont even do it, because i dont see him compromise so far. I hope you can work it out for you with opening the possibility this is not a right match for you.
    My dad was a sex/porn addict. My mom was miserable about it and so was i as i knew he was jerking off on the toilet every night. Still disturbing to think of

    #773332 Reply

    Amy Black

    Thank you everyone for your input!

    I wish I could ask him to stop porn for a while and see what happens but, from previous experience, the slightest mention of porn will make him defensive and angry.

    He went to a doctor yesterday (just a normal check-up) and apparently told her that his partner is complaining about his low sex drive, he told her that he feels pressured and that he just has a low sex drive. She suggested that he talk to a sex therapist. He apparently did not mention porn usage at all …

    (He mentioned that when he was in college, he did for a brief period of time think he might be gay but that he discovered that he’s most definitely not … he says he’s never been with a man and that he’s attracted to women).

    #773335 Reply

    Lane

    One of my best friends married a man like this. Although he filled some of her emotional needs, as they could talk and converse on many subjects like two best friends did BUT he had no care for sex, affection nor actively engaged in her life in any way, shape or form.

    She was LUCKY to get it on their anniversary but the rest of the year, nada. After 10 years she was so deprived by her one-sided marriage, that she finally threw in the towel. Their marriage was based solely on his terms, where he had no care to engage with her other than in conversation but expected her to go without sex, her to engage in his hobby (gold mining) as that’s the only thing he wanted to do outside of the house, other than work, sometimes, where she ended up supporting him too!

    This could very well become you too. Deprived and lonely.

    #773336 Reply

    Raven

    “Because I’m in love with him and I can’t bring myself to leave…”

    This is an excuse to stay in a bad relationship…
    Don’t You think you deserve better?

    #773340 Reply

    Amy Black

    I think it is an excuse not to leave. I tried to leave before and landed up going back to him. I feel like my mind is so messed up that I can’t do what I know is probably best for myself. Everyone’s advice is helping me reframe the way I’m thinking about things though …

    #773341 Reply

    rose

    I went through this same situation with my ex (M 35) and many people did not understand – claiming ED is not a thing and how can you be with someone who will not give you sex. I can tell you this is more common than you think and it might even get worse as young people grow up in a generation of porn.

    My ex grew up watching porn every day and masturbating 5+ times a day, making it difficult from him to get turned on when in real life situations, even to someone he was so attracted to and loved. I don’t know the exact science of it, but it has to do with the overstimulation that porn provides, eventually making you immune. Then, whenever we would try to initiate sex, he would get in his head about his performance and getting hard, so many times sex would not happen.

    I would recommend trying to get your guy from abstaining from masturbating and porn – emphasizing how it is important for you in your relationship. There is a brain buddy app that deals with this issue my ex used all the time. We found when my ex held off from masturbating for a while, he eventually because extremely horny and wanted to have sex all the time.

    Also do not think this is a YOU problem and you are not sexually pleasing him. This is all about him and his issues. If you want to stick around and be patient, it could get better if he works on it and if you are both open with each other, but do not think this has anything to do with you.

    #773405 Reply

    Nathalie

    As a last resort, try having sex while watching porn together..if that don’t help a bit, then it is safe to say it’s not going to improve as he isn’t interested about what you’re concerned with.

    #773411 Reply

    Jo

    He could have a fear of intimacy.

    #773499 Reply

    Newbie

    You do know a few things now. He did talk to his docter about it, the docter advised see a sextherapist and at the moment he feels pressured. If youre not sure what you want to do, i would not discuss this next few weeks and see if he does go see a docter without you pressuring him.
    I remembered a tool for sex compatiblity since its very common to have different sex drives. Both state your minimum and maximum amount and if the one maximum overlaps with the other minimum, its workable. So if your minimum is once a week and his maximum is once every two weeks is not workable. Maybe you can use this as a fairly factual line to talk about this once you both had some time to not adress the issue.
    Good luck

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