Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › I am stuck…
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ANM Staff.
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Jennifer
A month ago I received a message from a guy I had been seeing a little bit that he was not ready for commitment so soon after his ex. This happend after we hooked up. Which I think freaked him out.
This time has been really difficult for me. I feel such self blame for letting that happen that night… I have really learn that you need to let the guy pursue you and wait so he can get excited about his achievement.However, this is a situation where I truly think something beautiful has been wasted. I know there is absolutely nothing I can do (right?).
I find myself feeling stuck and sad and depressed. Everyday I hope for a message but nothing…Lane
There are going to be many hard lessons in life that and this is one of them that many women have made. When a man is telling you he’s not over his ex…believe him! Men really are much simpler, pretty much say what they mean, and those who think that sex will magically change a man’s mind are in for a very rude awakening and hard lesson in life.
You’ll eventually get over him the longer you remain no contact which is the best thing you can do for yourself at this time. Now its up to you, moving forward, to end any romantic notions or ideas with a man who has blatantly and/or clearly told you that he’s not interested in developing anything with you—BELIEVE THE NEGATIVES!
Jennifer
Thank you for your reply Lane. Your words are soothing.
I just seriously wish I could go back and change things. My heart is shattered.kaye
I’m sorry you are going through this. It’s one of the situations we try to avoid as women…being the rebound relationship. And it really hurts to get dumped right after the first time you get physical. It’s a terrible blow to the ego and why I always advise women to wait until you’ve had time to get to know the guy and develop an emotional connection. I actually prefer to be exclusive first, but I know some women think that’s unrealistic.
Also as women we tend to idolize the guys we are dating early on and put them on a pedestal and start seeing a future. And then when it ends early we haven’t had a chance to learn yet all the annoying behaviors, personality flaws or reason why this wouldn’t have worked long term. Because in the first few months a guy is doing his best to impress us and show his best side. So we’re holding onto a fantasy of this perfect relationship with the perfect guy that just slipped through our fingers when it really wasn’t that way at all. It was only because compatibility issues hadn’t had a chance to show up yet!
What always helped me was asking myself why I would want a relationship with a guy who didn’t want me? And to let go of the image I had of this guy being the perfect fit for me and realize if he was the one I was supposed to be with it would have worked out. And to realize it didn’t work out because God has something better planned and waiting for me out there!
Lane
Trust me, we have ALL been there and done that at some point(s) in our lives. I know it sucks and to believe that if you had only done this or done that it would have changed the outcome. Trust me, there is nothing *you* could have done to change it, it MUST come from within the person when they are fully willing and open to engaging in it, if not, they won’t.
There’s a saying “the path to love is very narrow” meaning if your heart is filled with romantic love for someone it blocks or impedes others from entering. He’s feeling about his ex the way you are feeling about him to put it in perspective. When you step into someone else’s shoes for a minute you gain some introspect of what other people are feeling, going through or struggling with which allows you to make better decisions and choices in the future as you come to learn them.
When a man’s heart is fully open and is wanting to fill it with you, and only you, will it have the potential of working in your favor and all you have to be is your authentic self. If a man’s heart is closed take a different path toward one who’s is fully open, ready and wanting you to enter.
K
You posted this as Remy three days ago.
“I guess I made the mistake. I dated a guy a for a little while, and didn’t feel the temperature quite enough. We were drunk as we had been to the same party and the next morning he was acting weird and said he wasn’t ready for a new relationship so quickly after his ex….
I just wonder if we hadn’t done it if we would still be dating :(”You’ve posted several times as under different names about this! (Which the admin is going to pull you up on eventually.)
You’ve gotten a lot of good advice but you seem to not be willing to let it go, let yourself off the hook and understand this was never going anywhere. Having sex with him didn’t drive him away. He’s not interested in you for some reason that no one here can know. It’s possible he’s not telling the truth about the ex and this is just a convenient excuse. You didn’t date him that long. He’s decided this is a no-go for him, which he has the right to do.
He doesn’t feel about you the way you feel about him – you have to accept that. Nothing “beautiful” lost in his eyes or he’d be pursuing you.
As long as you keep beating on yourself and wishing that you could go back in time and not have sex with him or whatever your fantasy is that you could do something different – which you cannot – nothing anyone says here can fix your low self esteem and anxiety over this. It’s really time to talk with a counselor, you’re going in circles with the repeated postings of the same thing here.
ANM StaffKeymasterMod update: K’s prediction is correct. :)
Jennifer, posting different threads under different names is frowned-upon. I know it probably seems innocent enough, but it can be perceived as an attempt to conceal past interactions with the community. We’ve sometimes had people with ill intent do that kind of thing just to stoke unrest, and so people quickly get suspicious when they perceive that a poster isn’t being forthcoming about that. So, we try to have everyone stick with a consistent pseudonym. It helps show respect for the time and effort the community puts into their responses.
That said, I’m not upset or anything. Carry-on with the conversation! I just “redirect” these kinds of things when I see them. Sometimes the little nudge can help keep topics from getting really wild.
[ Just to be clear, in case other community members start to wonder: It’s also fine to make posts that don’t necessarily have the same pseudonym, as long as there’s some indication to the community that they’ve posted before. Some of our “regulars” in the community use the name field as a kind of color commentary for the mood of the post, but have the same avatar as always. We know who they are, so that’s fine.
And sometimes, newcomers leave a post using a different name, but they casually mention that they’ve posted before in some capacity. That’s fine too. ]Anyway – best wishes, carry on!
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