I am confusedd by my Fiend with Benefit.

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This topic contains 13 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Lane 4 months, 4 weeks ago.

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  • #753689 Reply


    I had a friend with benefit for about 2 months before I flew overseas for work. When I was overseas, we were still talking daily and everything was really nice. Till I returned, I wasn’t texting/replying him as often because something happened and I was dealing with a lot of losses in between. I wasn’t in any mood to talk or reply anyone so we became a little aloof. He found out what happened and suggested to meet, wanting to provide comfort at least.

    When we met for the first time after a long while, it was nice because I was pouring out my pain to someone and was just comforting me constantly and listening to me. We met again the second time, I was still in pain and crying. He was comforting me and somehow he just stared at me and said he missed kissing me, and then we kissed. I told him I miss him after the kiss, and he said I miss you too.

    We met again, two days later, and we ordered food and I guess just talking to distract the pain that was hovering me. I started crying again, and he was so patient in comforting me. I kept on apologising because I felt like I was such a burden to him but he assured me and kissed me. After the kiss, I told him, “Yea, I miss kissing you… I mean, not in a I want you to screw me manner but…” I was trying to imply to him that I really do appreciate him, more than just how we used to be. And he said, “I know.. just not the right time, right?” My train of thoughts kinda just got loose and followed his, so I agreed, only to end up pondering after.

    NOT THE RIGHT TIME. What does he mean by this? Was he thinking of wanting something more between us but knowing I wasn’t in the right state to embark on that journey? Which is true, because I want to settle myself more before having any new progressions in my life and if he is thinking of that I am very appreciative of him. He just got me confused because he never once mentioned that he wants anything with me.

    Previously when we were still in between the FWBs status, we were texting everyday and talked about sexual stuff in between topics. Nowadays, it has absolutely zero percent go sexual/kinky talks between our topics, even though i would randomly slide in something light such as, “I think you’re tired because we were a little kinky.” Previously I bet he would jump into something sexual but nowadays he did not. Is he trying to get out of this whole FWBs thing hence not wanting to talk about anything sexual.

    He talks to me everyday, and checks on me via text everyday especially on days I do not reply because I was just feeling very heavy. I just feel very confused, but I do not want to make any false assumptions of overthinking. Please help.

    #753692 Reply


    It sounds like he’s being a friend, and the ‘not right time’ was because you’re grieving and he heard the ‘not like I want to screw you’, not because he’s harbouring a deep desire to take it to the next level.

    #753696 Reply


    That seems true too. I just feel like he doesn’t have to be this nice when we only knew about each other for 2 months and having that FWB status. Oh I forgot to, he mentioned to me, “you’re my obligation, I won’t leave.”

    #753698 Reply


    He is telling you he doesn’t want a real relationship. No Hung confusing. Sure he is being a friend and getting benefits, but if he wanted more than that he would tell you.

    #753709 Reply


    It seems like he’s being a nice supportive friend. He’s not preying on you in a moment of weakness. You don’t mention getting any pressure for more than a kiss. He’s a shoulder to cry on, in a literal sense. A compassionate friend to talk to. I don’t understand the confusion you’re having.

    #753711 Reply


    I guess I am confused because of how close we were. And all the times he visited he would stay till dawn just to assure I am sleeping and not crying. I would love to know that he’s doing out of being a friend but… a friend does not kiss and make out…?

    I feel like, in a sense I am pressured and that perhaps he does have something for me.

    #753731 Reply


    I think he is just being nice and treating you as a friend. And if you guys were clear about you both being an FWB then there is no doubt.

    There was this guy who told me he is serious about dating me and he has done FWB’s with others before. I had made it clear that I am not into FWB’s and only if he wants something serious with me, we move ahead. Initially he was all romantic, kissing, ‘I love you’, ‘I miss you’ and talking about future. After a while as I started getting more serious and started talking about our future in general, I was downgraded to FWB, but he would still do all those things, except for discussing the future. When he had stopped giving me time and was only contact me for benefits, I thought of clarifying and that when he said I was just a FWB now and I walked away.

    But based on what I went through, probably those things are common in FWB.

    #753818 Reply


    I think he meant not the right time to bounce back into bed and into being FWB because of your sadness.

    #753819 Reply


    I don’t understand what you mean by this:

    “I feel like, in a sense I am pressured and that perhaps he does have something for me.”

    #753845 Reply


    Hi DD!

    What I meant was, I was confuse at how he felt towards me. and to a certain extend i feel like he does bear some feelings towards me because of how extensively he is caring. if he likes me hence helping me out so much and because of this I feel pressured to give him an answer even though he didn’t ask for it.

    I am just very confuse at whether does he has a thing for me or not sigh.

    #753848 Reply


    My take on this is he was saying it’s not the right time to jump back into being FWB. So right now he is just acting like a friend. I will say that this will get to be a burden for him if you keep it up. He isn’t your therapist and if every time he gets to see you it becomes a crying fest and having to deal with your problems he will eventually just pull away. Don’t you have other friends or family to rely on, because this isn’t fair at all to him and while you feel comforted, he isn’t offering to be a boyfriend and is saying basically OK, we can just be friends and no sex for now since how is he going to have sex if all you do every time you see him is act depressed.

    I think you are confusing his attention and soothing as wanting more, but I don’t read it this way. Anyway only he can tell you how he really feels.

    Unfortunately you do what so many women do. You agree to FWB, develop feelings and expect the other person to feel the same way. Most times it doesn’t work out that way. If this guy was wanting that he would have made you an exclusive girlfriend before you went abroad. Otherwise he risked you meeting someone else or losing interest by the time you got back.

    I don’t understand what answer you think he is looking for. But if it concerns you that much just talk with him about it and you will get a response directly from him! All we can do is guess.

    #753852 Reply


    Im confused in how much you lean on a guy you only know For a few months and had sex with a few times. I know i am going to sound mean, and im sorry, but if you barely know a guy, you cant poor your heart out about your misery and cry about it. Thats really off putting and a lot of pressure on a person you only know for a few months. You must have close friends right who you can talk about this? Use their ears and words.
    Im saying this because if you want something meaningful with someone, you shouldnt start with pooring your heart out. And i think thats why he friendzoned you. And i do hope everything will get better

    #753901 Reply


    yeah pls listen to Newbie. she makes total sense. you cant keep crying and cribbing on him. after all hes just your FWB. you could be taking advantage of his nice nature. take a break from him. get your act together. connect with friends and family for all the help and support you need, moral emotional and financial. once your back on your feet connect with him again. all the best.

    #753919 Reply


    He’s telling you that due to your emotional state its not a good time to engage in sex again because you’re too weak and vulnerable. He cares for you but not in a romantic way but a caregiving / nursemaid kind of way and that’s not fun or sexy at all is it.

    I would stop playing ‘damsel in distress’ with this man. Men will tolerate it for a short bit but just know it emotional drains and exhausts them until they reach their ‘done point’ and will start naturally pulling back when the constant negativity overwhelms them. You are using him as ‘a crutch’ and that is not a healthy way to start any relationship (or friendship) as it’s establishing a negative pattern of co-dependency. You are both relying on each other for different reasons, not in a positive but unhealthy way and will eventually suffocate itself and burn out.

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