This topic contains 12 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Omg 1 week, 2 days ago.
August 14, 2019 at 5:19 am #760145
I met a guy online, we clicked, chatted for a month – and in the end (after some hesitation), he flew to my country to meet me. We spent 1,5 days together and it was great fun. We kept in touch afterwards, especially that in a few days I am flying to his country to meet my friend (a girl).
He said it would be nice to see me again but didn’t seem overly enthusiastic or into spending quality time with me (might be my perception, but still…). I came up with the plan on what we could do and he agreed.
The following day I started to have doubts if that’s really what I want – I don’t feel good with the impression that I’m the one taking the lead, even if he happily follows. I am now thinking that it’s better to skip the date but I don’t know how to tell him this without sounding like “I want it more than you, so let’s just drop it”.
Any idea of how to phrase it so I get to express the real reason without sounding like a sulking drama queen?
I would like to get it off my chest without lying. Any ideas would be very much appreciated.August 14, 2019 at 5:37 am #760146
does he initiate contact or is he just replying to your messages? I personally wouldn’t even bother, because I can tell he is not into you and you seem not into him so I would just let it be, you don’t need to tell him oh sorry I am no longer interested
if you want to be polite yes you can say I am sorry but I won’t have time to see you when I am in your country but my intuition is teling me you do like him and you hope by sending that message he will be more into you, he won’t he will just say yes that’s fine , all the bestAugust 14, 2019 at 6:01 am #760147
Ewa, he does initiate when it comes to chats but I’d say it’s more like 50-50.
Thing is that I have already told him I would see him and I would make the trip to his place (heat of the moment, emotions running high etc.), he knows my plan for this particular trip so just telling him sorry, I don’t have time, would be a bit weird.
We have some history, we met, we were intimate and we generally get along well – but my issue is that his interest level is rather warm instead of hot, he is receptive and willing to chat/meet but I want a guy who takes initiative and who pursues me.
Would I want his interest level to go up? Of course. I like him. But – I am realistic and I know that if the interest is not really there, it won’t magically increase. Thus, I would rather cancel and be done with it.
I am just not sure how to communicate it.August 14, 2019 at 6:45 am #760149
Just tell him you got your period. You can just ghost him. Tell him you met a great guy in your home town and don’t want to do something that might need up your new relationship.August 14, 2019 at 7:01 am #760150
well if it was me I would ghost him , however I can see you really want to communicate something to him
then message him saying what you just said in your reply. that you can sense his level of interest is lower than yours and for that reason you do not wish to meet him/waste your time. Or if you don’t want to put him on pedestal then just message saying : I think I need someone who takes initiative and you don’t seem like that type of guy therefore I won’t be seeing you when I am there.
Always be honest :)August 14, 2019 at 7:38 am #760152
@Ewa, thanks! I hate being ghosted so I try not to do the same to others…
Your suggestion sounds good, I have drafted something along these lines. Hopefully we can part ways on good terms!August 14, 2019 at 7:22 pm #760194
Ha! Part way on good terms with a guy who isn’t interested ? Priceless.August 14, 2019 at 7:27 pm #760195
You’re giving this guy too much head space…
Just say my plans have changed & move on.August 15, 2019 at 5:15 am #760230
I have kept it short and I said I had given it a tought and that we should skip the meet up.
He asked for my thoughts (instead of saying ok, fair enough). Then he asked if it’s because he hasn’t texted me for a day (??) and proceeded with a detailed message on what exactly happened that stopped him from contacting me earlier, time stamps and all.. so he obviously wanted to dig deeper into why I changed my mind.
We then had a heart-to-heart conversation which has left me baffled. He said he doesn’t see me as a no string attached thing, he likes me and he would love to spend time with me.
He was trying to convince me to change my mind – which on one hand was nice to see, but on the other hand – it made me unsure about my original decision. Because I do like him and it’s not like I DON’T WANT TO see him, I do – but perhaps it’s not the best thing for me.
We both realize that due to the distance this whole thing is futile, yet – if I’m honest with myself, I would be willing to continue if in his mind it had a chance of progressing further. I’m getting the impression that he is in it only for the fun part but he has not specifically stated that. It was late last night so I told him I’d get back to him tomorrow (today).. but now my head is all over the place.August 15, 2019 at 5:45 am #760232
ok so I will tell you now, because I have experienced it as well. The fact that he asked if it was because he hasn’t texted you all day, he labelled you as needy /crazy, that girl who needs constant attention and when a guy doesn’t text she is assuming he is not interested.
do not believe he is trying to change your mind, he is manipulating you into thinking it is you who doesn’t want to see him not that you don’t want to see him because of his lack of initiative etc therefore he is trying to make you feel guilty.
stick with your decisionAugust 15, 2019 at 6:21 am #760234
I honestly don’t know why he’d think that I would flip if he hasn’t messaged me. I have never given the impression that I need constant attention (I don’t). I have not complained even once that he had gone quiet – I was ok with that as be both have busy lives and I don’t want to be texting non stop either. Anyways, I said that him not sending me a message of course was not the reason – and then I explained what was.
He was saying that it we both think it would be great fun, we should go for it – and he clearly thinks he would have a good time with me. I do too but I know myself and I know that if I have MORE great time with a great guy, I will be expecting things – getting to know each other, visiting, ideally with him driving the whole thing. And this is the main blocker for me because I feel this is wishful thinking.
I really do want to see him and I’m afraid if I say no, I will have regrets. I will be close to him, in his country, sitting and questioning my decision. On the other hand, if I go for it with my current expectations, I have a feeling that I will get burned. In an ideal world I would drop my expectations and focus on having fun this time but it’s easier said that done..August 15, 2019 at 8:33 am #760249
Better off single
You are over thinking it. Being realistic, you can set your mind up for it to be a fun experience with no expectations. You’re less likely to get too emotionally attatched.
Or just run away. That’s easier.August 15, 2019 at 11:36 am #760267
You want a relationship. He wants fun. If you meet up you will continue to raise expectations about this becoming a real relationship. You will end up hurt. You said said you both acknowledge with the distance, being together is futile. So he gets a booty call and you will get more attached. I think you should pass on this because it doesn’t sound like you can handle a casual relationship and of course this is no strings attached. You aren’t close enough to properly date each other.