How to know when its time to let go


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This topic contains 35 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Kathy 6 days, 22 hours ago.

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  • #729037 Reply

    Natz

    I seriously need some sound advise here cause I cannot continue on like this. My ex and I decided to try again after our 4 year relationship. It wasn’t easy because we had to make peace with past mistakes and problems we had. It so happens that we were able to accomplish that (It’s been 3 months since we made it official) but I keep finding myself thinking twice about the relationship. For one he doesn’t want me to keep my friends that I made when we broke up because he says they are a bad influence. All my friends are in relationships but because their boyfriends are okay with them having their own lives and their own hang outs, he doesn’t get that and say that they are badly influencing me to do the same. So I find myself avoiding my friends for him. And this naturally makes my friends keep away from him. And as if that wasn’t enough, this morning he woke up in a crappy mood I suppose (3rd day in a row) and started to talk to me all moody. It’s emotionally draining me!! I love him but I’m wondering if I LIKE him based on his behaviour. He is never satisfied about anything and always have a problem with the simplest things. It’s crazy. We could be having a great day but the next day it’s a whole different person. I have told him I’m here for him if he needs to get anything off his chest but he says he is fine. Is this who he is? We have a history of toxicity but I thought we outgrown that. He is very settled in his career and speaks wisdom about family life etc. Which makes me feel like he is a great match to build a future with, but I can’t take the feeling inside that this is not how things are suppose to be. I do not feel free. I just have to abide by his rules or he looks at me differently. And it has come to my attention that he is great on some days and I feel loved and cared for but most days there’s always some kind of tension in the air. I’m beyond tired as everything I felt for the past four years are creeping back on me. I need someone to talk sense please. As I am confused if this is normal or if he is just not the right one. The maximum opinions and advise is desperately needed because I need to make a decision once and for all. I can’t do this anymore. I’m 24 he is 30

    #729041 Reply

    anon

    You should not feel stifled in a good relationship. Most men are VERY happy when the women they marry or date maintain friendships with other women, so that they can maintain friendships with men. It sounds like he is happy when he is in control, which some women don’t mind. It sounds like you do.

    Unless your friends are truly people who are a destructive influence (ie, you are coming home drunk or on drugs), but even then, he should be encouraging you to meet new people, not just limit yourself to him.

    He’s not right for you. If you came here and posted that you wanted to be an isolated housewife and just focus on your family, he might be a better fit. But you want your own life and friends, something he does not want for you.

    #729043 Reply

    old lady, new dater

    Maybe you have outgrown him during the time you were apart. That’s ok… sometimes it happens.

    You could try going to counselling with him to make sure you are heard. You could also try talking to him on your own (be clear about your needs of independence and to be trusted).

    But rarely does recycling a relationship work. You can love someone and have it not work out. You can’t fix him or change him, and vice versa. Maybe it’s time to let go and wish him well before you both retreat into a rabbit hole of irreparable toxicity. It sounds like that’s the pattern and it’s about to start playing itself out again.

    #729044 Reply

    old lady, new dater

    p.s. If you dated for 4 years and he’s 6 years older than you, my guess is you started dating him when you were very young. We change so much between the ages of 18 and 25 that who you are now is probably much stronger than who you were at 20 (or younger if the break up was any significant amount of time). He has probably remained who he’s always been, it’s just that you maturing means you are seeing him in a new light.

    #729049 Reply

    Natz

    Thanks for your response.

    I just can’t take anymore of his mood swings. It’s like somebody sh!tting on my head whenever they feel like it. And I always have to make sure I don’t upset him, or do as he says otherwise there will be days of issues! I never know when its coming. Could be anything, I always brace myself whenever he says I need to talk to you. I just don’t 100 percent feel safe with him. He scares me and I always feel I’m living someone else’s life.

    #729052 Reply

    Kathy

    Could he possibly have a personality disorder?

    #729064 Reply

    old lady, new dater

    Natz,
    Being scared of him is not healthy. It’s indicative of some sort of abuse. A punch to the gut is not the only kind of abuse — he sounds a bit controlling and manipulative, not to mention a bit unstable with the mood swings.

    I was in a relationship just like that years ago (I was young, he was older) and I grew to be terrified of him. If I wanted to do things with friends that weren’t his, he felt threatened and I would pay for it — at first with mood swings and being angry at me and then one day it turned physical. As a result, I got out, but spent a long time and a lot of therapy, scared to get close to anyone (this me being single for a looooooonnng time).

    Obviously you are concerned, otherwise you wouldn’t post. You are young and your future is bright. In my opinion, you are too young to waste your life on a man that isn’t right for you. I know we are all strangers on the internets but I hope you make a decision that is the best for YOU. Good luck girl!

    #729065 Reply

    Joe

    This sounds like a potentially dangerous situation. Nothing will change anytime soon, even with counseling. If you’re living with him, have a strong man (father or big brother) there with you when you tell him to pack up his things and leave. Change the locks. Don’t be alone with him ever.

    If he’s just staying over sometimes, use the same approach. Break up in a public place and watch your back. If he has stuff over at your place, mail it to him. Change the locks and don’t ever be alone with him.

    #729073 Reply

    Emma

    I think you know the answer to your question, but you wanted more women to confirm that, so i am confirming, it is time for you to bolt OUT of this.

    He is an unhappy person, disturbed and controlling, this is who he is. You are going to acquire some of his miseries if you stick around longer. 4 years for a person your age is a lot, those are formative years for you. And this is how you are spending them.

    If you are going to end it, you need to prepare. He can get aggressive and mean. He might try to slander your name.

    #729273 Reply

    Natz

    Thanks for your response everyone.

    It so happens that I had a conversation with him. And I put my foot down! I told him choose who he wants to be. A man or a woman on her period! Cause damn it I’ve had it up to here with them mood swings. I told him he is not who I want to be with. This is not what I signed up for. That if he does want a RELATIONSHIP, he gotta do better. And if he had a bad day etc. I am not the one he should be angry with. I also said that I rather see him sad than angry for no reason. So when he is said I’d be happy to comfort him but when he gets angry for no good reason when I haven’t done anything to him, this pisses me off and I immediately have one foot out the door.

    He then told me that he received a call from his mom, and she told him that she’s been to the doctor and it looks like she might have cancer, although they are still running test and it’s not an official diagnostic. My heart fell to the ground. Two years ago he lost hid big sister to cancer and now it could be his mom. So this might explain his moods. In any case I still remained firm with him and told him that, I on the other hand haven’t done anything to him. If he wants to cry he can, and I’m here but getting angry at ME is not going to help. And as for the friend part this is still an issue. But I’ve explain to my friends of the situation and for now, I just want to be there for him anyway. He told me he is open to meeting my friends and hang out with them at some point or they can come to the house (he has his own place but I told him I don’t want to live with him unless we’re married. I do go for weekends though) And he doesn’t want to lose me. So..sigh. will see how it develops cause since that conversation where i laid it all on the table and showed no fear whatsoever he’s been great. I hope it sticks.

    #729285 Reply

    Emma

    I am very sorry for his mom and his sister. This is very hard.

    However, you’ve had several years to see who he is and you are still thinking he would change. Just like that. Because you want him too, or because he wants too. But this is his nature, when a person is angry, unfortunate events would only make them angrier. It is not something he can easily change. You would probably waste 1-2 more yeas of your life, having acquired a lot of baggage in the meantime.

    #730920 Reply

    Natz

    Hey friends,so I’m back to this thread.

    I’ll start off by saying that we now know his mom does not have cancer thank the Lord.

    Now to his behaviour, it is still off and on but less chaotic. We are not having any problems at this time but it’s just the way we are together..I feel drifted from him. I wouldn’t say the relationship is stale but I feel like we are just there. I’m still trying to keep everything calm, trying to not anger him. Seeing my friends is still an issue. And I’m just feeling like im not living but just doing things to make the relationship work..more to his terms. I don’t feel my best self. And I avoid sex but doesn’t mean we dont have it at all. Im wanting to do things by myself instead of with him, i rather stay home(I do not live with him) more often just watching movies and waste time on YouTube and go to work than being around him. I do give him my attention and we still talk deeply but he must always have to ask me trick questions kinda like interrogating me making sure my answer last time is still the same. And everything i smile with my phone (I like to watch funny animal videos) he is always looking up at me with that look and ask who are you talking to. It’s like I can’t breathe!!! Its wearing me off. I feel that if i break up with him i will lose an opportunity to build a future with a hard working man and also I will hurt him. I read a book about this and he is what the author called Mr. Good enough. Meaning he’s not necessarily the one but he has enough qualities I like in a man to be with him. I feel lost, I feel like im the problem? What you guys think?

    #730921 Reply

    Natz

    Everytime *

    #730924 Reply

    Lurker

    You sound incredibly miserable. Why would you want to feel this way forever? I think you need to leave him.

    #730925 Reply

    Natz

    Inside I do feel miserable..But I feel torn between breaking it off (when we just got back together a few months ago) to accepting that I cant have it all go my way.

    I’m asking about this because I do not want to start the new year like this. And also mentioning a break up will equal more drama and I do not want that as he will take it to extreme. I know everything he is going to say to the tee. Things like, last time I was up his butt about the mood swings and now I’m the one unstable! You see where I’m going with this? He just won’t see things the way I am with how he is undermining me. I’m afraid of disturbing the bees. :(

    #730926 Reply

    Lurker

    You can’t stay with someone because you’re scared they won’t agree with your point of view when you break it off with them!

    You’ve tried again, and now you’re miserable. You have a choice in this.

    #730929 Reply

    Natz

    I know.

    I don’t know how to go about it though. Sigh.

    #730931 Reply

    Newbie

    Think this through to 15 years from now. Maybe you will have a few kids but you will be divorced. And maybe looking for a new partner. Im sure some mr good enoughs are good enough, but he sounds like mr makes you miserable. I know plenty of people who are in loving relationships for decades now and trust me, they struggle keeping it alive. And those are good relationships. What can you gain leaving him? Getting your joy back, enjoy your friends, not walk on egg shellls, no moodswings and time to find a better match. You know you want out, you just have to do it

    #730932 Reply

    Newbie

    Plus 24 is really young. There is absolutely zero reason to think he is the best so so match. You have only been single the period you were split up and it sounds like you used that tome to make new friends. That sounds more like the person you want to be now, than being stuck with your first (or second) love

    #730935 Reply

    Raven

    Such a shame you’re going to sacrifice your life & happiness cos you’re afraid of saying ‘NO.’

    #730943 Reply

    Emma

    I don’t think he is good enough. I think he is bad enough. To leave.

    There are plenty of hard working mae out there, there are men without personality disorders and control issues, you still have time to meet them, without settling down for crap.

    If you are looking for holes to hide your face in denial, you’d find them.

    You are 24. You are going to waste more of your best years on this dude? being unhappy?

    He is not good enough, stop thinking in those terms, those are for desperate women. You are young, do not let your best years to be soiled and spoiled by this. Your life is your responsibility, act towards yourself as if you were your own daughter. Would you accept this towards your daughter? “good enough” crap..

    #730948 Reply

    Anne ohio

    Omg, you sweet thing, you are so lucky you are only 24. I’ve seen this before. He wakes up grouchy because he thinks he is entitled to more.

    He will always be mad because he thinks he deserves better. He will never appreciate what he has.

    Find somebody more intelligent.

    #730949 Reply

    Anne ohio

    Take these words as a life lesson. A man who wakes up grouchy will never be satisfied. It’s not you, is him. He will always think the next woman will be the one. He will live like this his whole life.

    #730959 Reply

    Natz

    A lot is making sense right now. Thank you all I will hold your warnings at heart.

    #730961 Reply

    Lurker

    So now you know what to do – how do you do it.

    1. You tell someone you are frightened of him, and frightened of his reaction, so there is someone to call.

    2. Do you have things at his place? Start to remove them, but not all at once.

    3. You arrange to stay somewhere different for a few days, and then leave him a letter, block him on your phone, every channel you can.

    4. You tell all your friends you need support in keeping him away.

    5. Keep ignoring him. Live your life. Call the police if he won’t leave you alone.

    You’re gone.

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