How to figure out what exactly a guy wants from you?


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This topic contains 12 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Ivy 3 years, 3 months ago.

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  • #436156 Reply

    Hermes

    I have read articles about how guys will make it clear if they don’t want to be in a relationship/ something serious with you, however I would like to know if there are certain things that can convey that they are open to date someone/ get into something longterm.

    I met someone recently (Went on a few dates and spoke a lot) and while we did not ask each other ‘What are you looking for?’ he mentioned that since it has been a couple of years since his last relationship (Which was long and serious but could not culminate into marriage) he is in a nice space to be with someone again. He also spoke about how he dated someone when he was younger (For about 5 years from the age of 18-23) but as much as he loved her, he was not ready to marry her as he was too young and not ready then. However he is 29 now and open to the idea of marriage. So the thing is that while he has been attentive and nice and chasing me and has told me he likes me a lot, I would want to invest/ explore this only if there is a possibility of something that could stay long term, so are there any ways to figure out what exactly he wants?

    #436161 Reply

    redcurleysue

    Since you have been on a few dates it is ok to ask him why he is dating at this time in his life…is there a goal in mind or is he just enjoying the company of women in general. And you can also tell him what you are looking for in dating.

    Easy breezy short conversation. Don’t guess…ask.

    #436162 Reply

    Hermes

    That sounds good. You’re right it’s better to discuss it than assume stuff to make sure we are on the same page. Additionally since we talk often over the phone (every other day or so) is it okay to ask this over phone or is it better to have this conversation when we meet next?

    #436166 Reply

    R

    I’m not sure guys do tell you what they actually want. I think they can adapt their story about what the want to suit the girl that is sitting in front of them. For example, I’m not looking for anything casual, I’m looking for bf material. And every guy that I date, matches my story and tells me that’s what they’re looking for too. The very quickly, their actions tell me otherwise. Although it doesn’t come as a massive surprise to me, because this has happened a few times now, it still gets me angry because they are essentially misleading you… for what reason??

    #436168 Reply

    redcurleysue

    Personally I would do this face to face to see body language…and it should be brought in lightly…be talking about other things and then just stop and say “There has been something I have wanted to ask you…why are you dating at this time? I mean are you just wanting to make more friends who are women or what?”

    Then listen very very carefully and believe what he says especially if he is NOT looking for a relationship.

    #436170 Reply

    redcurleysue

    Hi R,

    You know I believe that men are looking for that ultimate relationship – really – we are all looking for the love of our life. That is true.

    99% we do not find it…it does not come on every bus. Gotta date lots and lots to get one in a million.

    #436172 Reply

    R

    Thanks RCS. I have been dating a fair bit, and I agree, more often than not, it isn’t going to be a match – and that’s to be expected. What’s tedious is that it feels so misleading when guys only tell you what I want to hear. Are they trying to bed you in doing this?
    Or maybe we’ve discussed dating, and we both agree that ghosting is cowardly and they’d never do this. Then they will go ahead and do that very thing?!
    I’ve had many guys ask me out, even face to face, and had these conversations face to face only for them not to follow through. Why bother?! I would totally respect someone for being honest with me.
    Do guys genuinely believe what they are telling you is the truth at the point at which they are speaking it?

    #436175 Reply

    Hermes

    I can relate to R here. A few months back I met someone and we had 3-4 amazing dates and he told me that either he instantly gets attracted and wants to date someone or he doesn’t. He asked me if we can date exclusively and I said yes. Then we went on a date post which he cancelled twice, throughly apologized and indulged in some amazing conversation only to disappear after that. I’m sure if I texted he would respond but who really wants to chase a guy so I just accepted it though it did leave me annoyed. If he didn’t want to be exclusive and wanted to test the waters, he could have told me but instead said something else. When I asked my male best friend about this, he said that people get carried away and say these things only to realize later that they can’t do this and then try to pull the slow fade.

    #436181 Reply

    R

    So in conclusion. Some men will tell you what they want early on. And some men will tell you that they want what you want, only to soon realise, they don’t want what you want. So we cant actually all men at face value early on!? Gahhh!

    #436182 Reply

    R

    *take all men

    #436184 Reply

    Isntitfunny

    1. They mean it when they say it.
    2. Men are looking for something
    3. However dating is a strain.
    4. Men misinterpret communication as needy or nagging too easily
    5. Give them space
    6. don’t mention competition that is not being honest its causing them to worry ..
    7. Praise them for what you enjoy
    8. Praise them for how they make you feel
    9. Sometimes just as with us what they say isn’t True but they also get frightened of being hurt
    10. IF you wont go the extra mile to engage please tell me why would they
    11. if YOU figure your getting mixed messages 99% of the time your giving them yourself
    12. Take ownership admit men mean well and do your best
    13. Sometimes by being honest and up front about whats happening makes life easier for others.
    14. there is the boomerang affect and that happens with change of stage of relationships.. Do your best…
    15. Beta males will be more uncertain and will need you to take control of the situation to a certain degree where as too much control from your side being Alpha can be a handful as well…
    16. Date as if you have never been hurt … Date as if you believe in love and positive outcome.
    17. For heavens sake don’t think everything that distracts him or he doesn’t contact you is DUE TO YOU … Because most of the time its other issues that are causing problems.

    Its not height of shape or anything its just whether you are going the extra mile to attain stability together..
    Simples.

    #436190 Reply

    ABC

    Great post!!! It is “simples.” As the meerkat says in the Compare The Market adverts in the UK.

    #436194 Reply

    Ivy

    You went on a few dates and

    “I would want to invest/ explore this only if there is a possibility of something that could stay long term, so are there any ways to figure out what exactly he wants?”

    Why isn’t what he said enough?

    It sounds like you are too eager to be in a relationship, it’s a few dates, it’s good for both to know you are marriage minded, but neither of you should be expected to know after a few dates if there is a possibility of long term, it takes a while to know someone.

    Dating is a process yes, to establish common relationship goals, sounds like from what he said you did that, two, to get to know each other. Sounds to me like you really are ahead of yourself and trying to know the future too soon instead of just being happy that you have common relationship goal and getting to know him.

    Ultimately, it’s never good to be over-invested, even marriage ready men scare when a woman is too urgent, they wonder she barely knows me why does she already want to know the future, she must not care about me, she must be desperate for marriage. Yes, that is how men think, even if they are wrong and you are not desperate this is what scares them, when women are already planning the future after a few dates.

    I suggest being happy with what he told you and showed you and get to know him and decide if you feel you have common values etc.

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