Home › Forums › Long Distance Relationship (LDR) Advice › How to feel happy myself?
- This topic has 6 replies and was last updated 2 years, 11 months ago by
Lane.
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Thea
Hi, hope everyone is staying safe and keeping well.
I’m here for some advice. I’ve been with my bf for over a year and I love him to bits. We are in a semi LDR (an hour and 20mins), which isn’t too bad as it takes me almost an hour to get to work on the bus in town anyway, and we live in two different cities. We both work full time, and on top my my 40 hours per week, I am studying like crazy towards a professional license but we both make efforts to see each other. Usually once a week at weekends or take annual leave, sometimes twice a week, and we take turns and sub if one of us is exhausted from work/ couldn’t be bothered.
Due to this, it makes the time we spend together that much more precious. On the flip side, I want the time we spend to be so perfect that it stresses me out. And whenever it’s time to go, I always want to cry and feels lonely and empty when it quiets down as soon as I get home. I hate this feeling, any advice how to feel happy even when I’m by myself? I struggle quite a bit with feeling loved and anxiety my whole life.
Thanks:)
Peggy
Well,I think that after more than a year together, it would be time to at least discuss a plan to live together or at least have one of you move to the same city as the other. That could be part of the frustration..you never have enough time together.
It may that you “trying to make it perfect”,means you are concerned he is losing interest or the relationship is not moving forward and you are trying to “show him” you are the “perfect woman” for him ,to push him to make a committment of some kind. You also need to not just rely on him, so that you need to have interests/hobbies/friends etc. that keep you busy when you are not together. Work on that. Also talk to him about how he sees the future at this point…Raven
What things do You do for You?
Friends? Hobbies? Volunteering?
Erin
I understand you love this guy and you go through separation anxiety but you also need to focus on yourself and not make any one person your whole world whilst neglecting your own needs an wants.
Apart from this guy, what do you want in your life, what do you enjoy doing on your own, what’s something that’s you’ve always wanted to do but haven’t done yet, which series/documentary have you been meaning to watch but haven’t done so yet. How present are you in your friendships and other non romantic relationships with other people and what can you do to improve it, a girls night out, a sleepover, FaceTime with someone you haven’t spoken to in a while etc.
Find things which bring you joy and which help you express yourself in a way that is truthful and 100% you. Balance all your important relationships, including the one with yourself.
Also like Peggy said, maybe it’s time to talk about moving/meeting halfway in a way that ensures you spend more time together than the usual. You should probably plan a a getaway as well, like go somewhere remote for the weekend where you can talk about the future in a relaxed atmosphere and come up with a solid plan.
Elizabeth
Well I was in a relationship with a guy but he feeel. he do to much for a child that is not his so when I told him that he went and got the lady and told her what I said and she came over to fight me I’m 62 and she is 34 but nothn happen but the next day he broke up with me it hurts very much.
Raven
Elizabeth, what does this even mean?
Lane
Elizabeth, you need to make your own post as it has nothing to do with the situation Thea is posting about.
Thea, it sounds like you are wanting more of a commitment from him. Does he bring it up at all? Do you discuss any future plans, such as the commingling of your lives, when together? If not, this is most likely the root core of where your anxiety (aka “insecurity”) is coming from.
Based on what you wrote, it’s good you are recognizing that you need to become more independent, and self reliant, as that’s a heavy burden to place on a man’s shoulders. I also noticed that you may have developed some “co-dependency” traits which most likely developed during childhood, and are carrying them around, unwittingly, into your adult life.
A co-dependent often strives for perfection, and is compelled “to create order out of disorder” which they do by trying to FIX what they *perceive* (key word) to be wrong, especially when their SO/husband begins to display some unhappiness with them. The problem is, the co-dependent will eventually lose themselves in order to accommodate and make every ‘happy’ to the expense of their own, only to remain unappreciated, and unloved—its dysfunctional, exhausting, and makes everyone, especially yourself, miserable!
I would at least read up on “co-dependency” and/or those with a high level of “perfection” traits to see if you can recognize yourself in them. At a minimum, you really should learn how to become “independent” (your own person) which is when one is so comfortable in their own skin they don’t NEED A MAN to make you feel loved, happy, or whole because you are able to achieve, and feel it, on your own, especially when alone. That’s the kind of confidence men find super sexy in a woman BTW—the less reliant you are on them for your happiness, the happier the relationship! :o)
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