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- This topic has 6 replies and was last updated 3 years, 7 months ago by
Ewa.
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Heather
I apologize for the length, but I could use some advice and outside perspective.
For reference: I am a woman in my late 20’s, my boyfriend is in his mid 30’s.
Background info: I have been dating this guy for several months now. He’s very kind and thoughtful, and has spent significant amount of time with me, at least 1-2 days a week since we first met. He lives a couple of hours away, and has consistently made the trip up to see me, and he has never once cancelled plans. He has shown me, through his actions, gestures, and the way he talks to me/about me, and by making plans for the future (short term future things – camping next month, dinner next weekend kind of stuff), that he genuinely likes me and can see a future with me. He’s even thoughtful about the small things; for example, the last night I spent with him at his home, he made sure to buy my favorite apples for me to snack on, since he remembered I said they were my favorite in passing before.
The last time I saw him, I finally had the courage to ask him to be my official boyfriend. I know that is corny. But as we were parting ways, I told him I wanted to ask something, I was very nervous and stumbling over my words (my brain basically shuts off when I put myself in very vulnerable, high emotion situations like that), but I hugged and kissed him and told him how much I like him, and asked if he wanted to be my boyfriend, immediately after I said something along the lines of “I know I’m the most awkward person in the world” or some dumb s*** like that. He smiled and said “sure, yes to both.” I then asked if he thought it would be funny if I had passed him a goofy note like we were kids again, he laughed and said yes. Naturally, I had one prepared I would hand to him if he responded positively. So I handed it to him, he laughed, we hugged and parted ways.
This was several days ago now, about 5 days, and I have heard nothing from him. It is normal for us not to communicate or text for a few days (usually 2-4 days) as we have gotten closer to one another. He mostly only texts to make plans, discuss or plans, or check in between get-togethers. This is absolutely fine with me, we are both busy and I do not expect him to want to be attached at the head.
I sent him a brief text yesterday morning, wishing him a good day at work. He has not responded and I have not heard from him otherwise.
I have been “ghosted” several times over the past few years, and I have been in a borderline abusive situation that I fortunately was able to get out of before anything further escalated. Because of this, I know that I have some insecurity and overthinking, I am actively working on this in therapy and I was honest with my boyfriend when we started dating that I’m pretty shy and it can take me time to open up to people. He has been nothing but kind and supportive of that.
My concern is, I know that our last encounter was awkward (tremendously so for me, but I have a bit of social anxiety), and he acknowledged that it was, but not in a harsh, off-putting kind of way. I at least thought that he thought it was cute and endearing, and my friends and therapist both agree with this, and assure me it wasn’t as awkward as I feel it was. I fear that because of this I caught him off guard and scared him away, or perhaps that I completely misinterpreted the conversation. At this point, I cannot tell if I am obsessing and making myself believe I blew it with him, or that I will never hear from him again because of my insecurities, or if everything is fine and he’s happy and will reach out when he’s free to make plans again. He has given me no reason to not trust him or to believe that he would ghost me. I can’t think of a single red flag or concern in any of our interactions or dates; however, I can’t help but wonder because I have experience being ghosted.
I work remotely, and he has even spent time just hanging out watching me work for a few hours on more than one occasion, because our days off don’t usually align. He did just get a new job 2 weeks ago, so I completely understand being less available because of this and I am supportive of his job and career. I would never ask him to sacrifice that for me, and I suspect that he feels the same.My question is, am I being insecure and overthinking? Or should I prepare to never hear from him again? I believe that I am stressing over this because of how vulnerable I was in our last encounter, and how much this means to me. I can’t help but think he would not spend several months dating me, making the effort to see me regularly, and even spend time with me doing the mundane stuff like working or running errands if he did not like me enough to be his girlfriend. It’s not like I’m convenient for him to just get sex and bail, but what do I know. Also, I have not reached out demanding a response or expressing hurt and anxiety or anything like that at all. I’ve only reached out to wish him a good day since I last saw him in person.
Any insight is appreciated. Sorry for the the length and the digression.
Ellie
Hi Heather
I don’t think your being insecure I would feel the same given the last conversation you had. I do find it strange that he wouldn’t respond to your text message especially after the last meeting. Honestly I don’t see anything wrong with being open with him about how you feel and what you wanted. Normally the majority would say wait until the man initiates relationship status, but a man who is interested in you isn’t going to push back if he feels the same….if it was too soon the honest thing for him to do was say “I am not there yet” however he said yes but his actions after are quite questionable.
Since you have already initiated a reach out I would not send any more messages. I believe he will reach out..but not speaking for 2-4 days to me seems a bit off for a couple trying to connect. I understand he calls to make plans but having phone conversations in between is also healthy IMO.Liz Lemon
I agree with Ellie. I think what you did was perfectly acceptable. I had the DTR conversation with my boyfriend at 3 months, and he was not quite ready (he had been through a terrible divorce several years earlier, and I was his first serious relationship after that experience). But he made it really clear that he wanted to keep seeing me and that spending time with me was important to him. So we kept dating, and a month later we made it “official”. This is just to back up Ellie’s point that even if a guy is caught off guard or not ready in that moment, he can say “I’m not quite ready yet” but make it clear he wants to continue dating you. The fact that this guy responded positively to you, but has not followed up with actions, would unsettle me too.
Every couple is different but I also have to agree that going 2-4 days with no contact at all feels a bit odd to me. Especially if there is distance and you can’t see each other on the spur of the moment. Texts and phone calls during the days you don’t see each other build connection, I’m not saying you should be glued to your phone, but it’s nice to connect/chat and talk about your day, etc.
Sorry this isn’t more helpful. I just wanted to comment to say that you are not wrong to feel insecure or overthinking. This would feel “off” to me as well, especially him not replying to your text yesterday morning. That’s just odd. All you can really do is wait and see, but I don’t think you should send any more texts or reach out for now.
Tallspicy
A lot to unpack here and I am sorry! Firstly, you did nothing wrong and you lost nothing that was going to actually stay. Some things to consider:
A. Are you really ok with a boyfriend who only contacts you every 2-4 days? I would not be, especially being long distance. I am not saying everyday, but a man who is investing generally wants to touch base at least every other day in my experience. And it should have been your sign that maybe you are not moving to the same place emotionally.
B. Did you ask him what he was looking for or did he ask you? Did he ever mention he wanted a relationship? Not just making plans
C. Why did you not wait to see if he asked you to be his girlfriend?
D. How often were you initiating or asking him to see you?
E. Did you sleep with him before he committed?
I don’t know what happened, but any man I have dated who I got exclusive with contacted me and was very responsive the next day. Again, I am not sure he was as committed as you were observing and shake it off and see this is all him as a mess, and you did not scare him away.
Next time:
A. Date locally
B. Let him lead
C. Don’t have sex until exclusive and growingHugs!!!
T from NY
I think you might want to reframe the way you’ve been viewing this relationship. If you’ve been dating several months and are still only seeing this guy 1-2 days a week, that’s a flag in itself. Either that he is not invested in having a long term relationship right now, or just not invested enough in you. Couple that with the fact that he goes MIA for days at a time. I also cannot STAND texting – so I understand only texting to make plans – but men who’ve been interested, and want to deepen a relationship with me, have made up that lack of texting by calling. Your relationship doesn’t seem to be progressing. And now this! This behavior would not be acceptable to me. 5 days after the DTR talk is communication loud and clear that y’all are not on the same page. ADD to all this he didn’t quickly reply to his “girlfriends” text – and that equals a man NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU. Not because he isn’t paying crazy attention to you, but because he is not progressing your association, being responsive to you or integrating you into his life. I am sorry you’ve ended up in a situationship and you did everything right (if you let him lead this whole time) by asking him to clarify what you are. Unfortunately he was too much of a coward to tell you to your face, but his actions make it very clear. Believe him. And see that he could be carrying on multiple situations with all his free time. If you’re looking for something more meaningful and committed – he’s not your man. I’m sorry. We’ve all been there.
Liz Lemon
Great response from Tallspicy. Yeah, it seems like maybe he was not as committed as you were interpreting him to be. Totally agree that a man who is investing in you wants to be in touch regularly. Not to mention, if he is investing in you, then you are on his mind constantly….so he wants to reach out just to send you a funny text, or interesting article he thought you’d like, or ask how your day is.
And yes, even after I had the DTR convo with my bf that ended with us agreeing just to see where things went– he still texted me later that night (like less than an hour later) to reiterate how much he wanted to keep seeing me, and took me out on a wonderful date a couple days later. Our intensity picked up, it didn’t drop off. So even though he was not ready to verbally commit at that point, his actions demonstrated that he was inclined to. It’s very important to look at a man’s actions. That’s what’s so puzzling here. The guy is saying one thing, but doing another. If he were truly invested and wanted to be your bf, he would not go silent for days, or ignore a “good morning” text from you. All this does suck, but you didn’t do anything wrong.
Ewa
I agree with others,it is nice that you were open with your feelings and it sucks that he did what he did, but this is life.
think of it that way, if it is a long distance even if it is just an hour drive then in a long run it won’t work, like others say you need to date someone locally.
for a man to fall in love he needs a lot of time with you, one or 2 days a week won’t be enough and I know this from my own experience.
I always though an hour drive to see someone if not far, but then realised if the guy is finishing work at 6pm let’s say I can’t just drive there and back.
it sucks he is not a man enough to tell you he’s not on the same page, but I would delete his number and move on. -
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