How do I get over the fact that my boyfriend watches porn?


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This topic contains 35 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  mami 7 months ago.

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  • #689592 Reply

    Cassie

    My boyfriend and I are in a long-distance relationship and when we’re apart he watches porn.

    He is an amazing boyfriend and I fully trust him and know how much he loves me. I don’t question it one bit.

    I know that even though we are in a relationship, he still finds other women attractive. It’s totally natural and I’m okay with that. But, it hurts me to know that he gets off to looking at other naked women’s bodies when he watches porn. He doesn’t watch porn when we’re together and it doesn’t affect our sex life, but I feel hurt because they are real women that he is getting turned on by.

    During our last conversation about it (we’ve talked about it a couple of times now), he said he realized how much it was affecting me and understood why I would feel hurt and said he would stop watching it.

    Even though he offered to stop, I also want to work through it on my own and find out how to be okay with it because it’s not something that he’s giving up because he suddenly stopped liking it, but for me and our relationship.

    For ladies who have learned to be okay with porn, or those who were always okay with it, how do you do it? What goes through your mind that makes you totally okay with the guy you love getting off to watching other naked women?

    #689595 Reply

    Newbie

    Im ok with watching porn myself. There is zero emotion involved. So for me having sex/making love and masturbating are two totally different things.
    It has never occured to me to get about upset about my guy masturbating

    #689596 Reply

    V

    I have never thought of this to be a problem… like Newbie said no emotion is involved

    #689597 Reply

    Cassie

    I understand that no emotion is involved, but I’m still hurt that he’s getting turned on by looking at other naked women. How do you come to terms with that part?

    #689598 Reply

    Emma

    Porn is a visual drug to which men across the globe got hooked to. All of them, like a herd of cows. With no exception. The only difference is the degree. Guys in their early 40s are the least affected because they still remember the times when there was no porn, so if they watch it, they don’t do it the way younger men do, every day, watching porn is like brushing your teeth.

    It is an unfortunate reality of modern day relationships. The damage porn does to men themselves is yet to be evaluated properly. The damage to relationships is very well known. There are websites on this topic. Websites created by men for men to break this damaging addiction.

    Unfortunately I don’t see it ever succeeding, in fact with new robotic dolls I think things would only get worse. But as we stand now, boys start watching porn at the age of 7 these days!! Imagine the kind of mentality it creates. Then add excessive masturbation to it..A new male species all together.

    If you are not ok with that, you won’t make yourself be ok with that. 90% of women are not ok with that, but they have no choice. What can you do? What can anyone do? There is no turning back on this one.

    If you make him feel guilty, he would hide and lie. He will not be able to break this addiction, he grew up this way. The only thing you can do is not to think about it. Accept it and don’t think about it, as if it doesn’t exist.

    #689605 Reply

    Algo

    I watch porn sometimes.

    Basically, men are visual, they don’t always like using their imagination to get off. They need to see body parts. That’s where porn comes in. They’re just body parts, I doubt most of them even look at the face. Do you think reading Fifty Shades is a problem? Because I feel reading erotica the way women do it, is a lot more ‘cheaty’ than watching porn. Not that I think they are actually problematic, but considering women are imagining while relationships etc reading books and watching romcoms, they are more ‘invested’ in sth other than their relationship, and that makes it worse, if you know what i’m saying.

    Is it just the nakedness of the women? or because it feels like cheating? Or because you (probably wrongly) think he thinks they are prettier than you? What exactly is it that rubs you the wrong way? I think you’ll only be able to get over it if you know exactly what part of it that bothers you most.

    #689607 Reply

    Cassie

    Algo,

    I guess I’m mostly uncomfortable with it because it feels like cheating. I know that he isn’t actually being physical with the women and I trust that wouldn’t actually cheat on me, but it almost feels like cheating because he’s looking at other naked women and getting sexual pleasure from it.

    The hardest part for me is that the are real women. I know that porn is fantasy and acting, but the women are real and they could very well be someone walking in the street that he finds attractive. The only difference is that they are on a set and behind a screen.

    #689608 Reply

    Newbie

    I consider it a natural release. My guy actually isnt that much into porn but more into pictures of women with some clothes on and i do get that. Women are beautiful. I did feel a bit insecure though when we didnt know each other very well and asked him about it. He said they are paintbrushed pics so he was very well aware they dont represent real life.
    Also there is a high change your guy doesnt actually wants to have sex with these women because guys really get turned off by women that have lots of sex with different men.
    So think of that. He values you and not those porn stars

    #689613 Reply

    Algo

    What I find acceptable about porn, is actually that these aren’t ‘real women’. The women the way they are on screen do not exist and he has no way of contacting them. If e were to chat personally with a woman on tinder, fb or insta or other SM, that would be cheating to me. Because he’d be interacting with an actual human being, a two-way street. Porn is one-way traffic. Just input. There is no output from my boyfriend. Chatting with a person is him interacting with areal human whom he could meet and cheat with and get feelings for. Who would know about his existence and about his life with me even maybe. That would be unacceptable.

    Porn to me is just flat images on a screen. No more than pixelated drawings of sth that does not exist in real life.

    #689614 Reply

    Kelly

    Every men watch porn its natural i find it really cool to watch it with my boyfriend it increased or sex life A LOT and there is a lots of porn films who are really hot without being trash or disrespectfull against women. You should say to him hey show me a video you like while you’re at bed you’ll remember the look on his face for life ! If you dont like it then stop but just try you’ll be amazed how it can be cool. We have a top relationship since we share this moment together hes more excited by me even more cause he loves me looking excited watching it too then he ditched the movie to jump on me lol

    #689618 Reply

    Amanda

    It is clear you are not the type of woman who can just stop caring. So take Emma’s advice. Accept that this is a fact of modern relationships and you cannot change it. Accept it and don’t think about it, and move on with your life and relationship.

    #689621 Reply

    redcurleysue

    While the women are real what they are doing is not everyday life. It is a fantasy….the same women would say, “Not tonight, I have a headache.” Lol.

    I do think that porn will always be there…and I think it fuels men’s fantasies. I also agree that a man may have a better sex life without it since he would be more clever with his real woman.

    Not every man watches porn….many do but not every man.

    I do not see harm in occasional porn….but the operative word is occasional.

    #689625 Reply

    Father Nature

    I am surprised to read so many comments essentially saying that pornography is mostly harmless. I would have thought that women would have been dead against it like second-wave feminists who argued that pornography was the beginning and rape was the end just like people who argue that people start out smoking cannabis and end up heroin addicts a few years later.

    #689654 Reply

    Holly

    Porn isn’t the problem your low self esteem is. Work on your self image. Improve it. Then you won’t feel threatened by porn

    #689656 Reply

    Ali

    You may never love it, but you will have to learn to accept it, since 99% of men do it (I am assuming their are SOME exceptions, but trying to find one would be exceedingly difficult and then I’m sure that man would no doubt not have some of the other characteristics you are looking for).

    So– how to make peace with it?

    First, I would suggest you try watching some “women friendly” porn yourself, by yourself, if you don’t already. Once you’ve had the experience of having an orgasm to watching it, you’ll realize it’s not in any way connection to your feelings for your boyfriend. Look for a woman director if you want to avoid anything degrading. Personally I sometimes enjoy girl on girl porn and I don’t even consider myself bi-sexual, so that tells me this obviously has nothing to do with my love and attracttion to my partner.

    Second, make sure you are feeling good about yourself. Often the insecurity that comes in is from comparing- thinking that you are not as attractive as the women in porn. That’s not the point– (and, if you puruse porn you’ll actually see a WIDE variety of body types, ages, etc, something for um… everyone I guess). Just make sure you feel your best that you are taking care of yourself, feeling healthy, getting some exercise in, and also feeling sexy with your partner.

    If that doesn’t work– just try to to think about it.

    It may not be ideal (I agree with the comments about young men who have never NOT watched porn, and grew up “learning” from it– they’ve learned some messed up things if you look at studies). I’m glad i’m of an age where I’m dating men in their mid thirties and up, my boyfriend used to masturbate to the Victoria’s Secret catalog when he was like, 13, which seems actually kinda cute in comparison to what 13 year olds are doing now.

    #689674 Reply

    Cassie

    After reading your comments, I guess I am making porn into a bigger thing than what it actually is. I suppose it is an insecurity that may stem from unconsciously comparing myself to the women in the video. I do have a nice figure and I am in shape, but I have small boobs. Even so, I am pretty confident in my self-image I think.

    I will still work on improving my self esteem, but I think that the hardest part for me to grasp is that he is getting off looking at other women’s naked bodies. I know that they are just images on a screen but it almost feels like cheating even though I know it’s not.

    #689675 Reply

    Anastasia

    Hei Cassie, about small boobs I do have them also size minus 1 lol. Never been an issue as to my sexual life!! To my current boyfriend he is a booty type of guy but he makes it clear that he finds my boobs perfect and he knows his babe is hot, as it’s how I feel anyway. Does your boyfriend make statememnts that feel you insecure about your body or he rather let you know he adores it as it is? Anyway, it is coming from low self-esteem which is easy to fix with a good professional. Have you been considering seeking external help?

    #689678 Reply

    Cassie

    Hi Anastasia,

    My boyfriend is always complimenting me and making me feel good about my body. I know he finds me attractive, but I’m hurt not over the fact that he finds other women attractive because that’s totally normal, but the fact that he’s getting off to looking at them naked. Like I said, it almost feels like cheating even though I know it actually isn’t.

    He did offer to stop watching and I accepted, but I also told him that in the meantime, I would try to make peace with this on my own because I know he isn’t actually doing anything wrong. I just struggle with accepting this.

    Reading your comments have made me feel better and really made me realize that it’s not something I should be worried about, but I have also been considering seeking external help, maybe from a sex therapist.

    #689749 Reply

    Ali

    Even if your guy says he’s not gonna watch porn, you must understand he’s probably going to backslide and do it anyway, right? I mean, at some point, he’ll be in a hurry (multiple men have told me porn speeds thing up and they really do have the physical need to “drain the snake” or they are uncomfortable, so sometimes, they just wanna get it over with and not spend 15 mins fiddling around and fantasizing etc). and be having a hard time coming and he’ll be like, well, yeah, I know I told her I wouldn’t but right now that is what would help get me off and she’ll never know so….

    In other words you guys are setting it up so he will break this “promise” and be lying to you.

    Personally, I would work on your issues with this, and let him know that you he can obviously do what he wants, but you’d rather not hear about it while you are working out your feelings about it.

    Men lie (all human beings) lie when it isn’t safe to tell the truth. You don’t want to create that dynamic in your relationship– once he’s lying about one thing, it’s easier to justify lying about others.

    #689759 Reply

    Cassie

    Ali,

    Yes, I do understand that he will probably backslide. He himself even told me that he would try this out, but that he couldn’t be sure that he wouldn’t slip up.

    That’s why I want to make peace with this issue and learn how to be okay with it. I’m just really struggling because although I know it’s not cheating, it feels like it because he’s getting off to looking at other naked women’s bodies, so I’m feeling hurt.

    #689767 Reply

    Ali

    I mean, i get it, but it’s a fact of life/modern world unfortunately.

    At some point you have to accept things that are facts. Here’s another fact you probably won’t like: he sees women he finds attractive all the time. On the street, at work, etc. He’s probably even masturbated thinking about images of things he’s seen. As well as women from his past.

    Not nice to think about but you can’t control someone’s fantasy life. Just put it out of your head and appreciate the good man that he is (assuming he treats you right).

    #689770 Reply

    Cassie

    Ali,

    Well, I know that he probably often sees women that he finds attractive often, but I think it’s totally different to actually get off to women he finds attractive online. I’m really struggling with accepting that.

    #689772 Reply

    Algo

    I’m in the small boobie clan too. My bf’s favourite porn actresses are almost all girls with small boobs to be fair.

    There’s all sorts of girls out there. And he’s always going to prefer you and how real and just for him you are

    If he’s a good guy, he’s going to never ever compare you and por girls in his head. They are a million categories below you.

    #689776 Reply

    Ali

    That’s interesting– I would be much more upset about my boyfriend thinking of a co-worker who was wearing a low cut shirt that day, or a friend who posted a bikini pic on facebook, than some random porn actress.

    Real life women who he might actually interact with are more of a threat than some random nobody he’s never going to meet.

    #689793 Reply

    Cassie

    Ali,

    Yeah, I totally agree. I would also feel more uncomfortable with that, but I was more referring to how I understand that he will be physically attracted to other women in real life but continue on with his day and not get off to looking at them.

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