Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › How could he dump me over this?
- This topic has 14 replies and was last updated 4 years, 2 months ago by
Kayt.
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Florence
I’m working overseas for 6 months, so boyfriend and I have had a ldr since Christmas. Before that we briefly lived together in his apartment and we planned to move in together permanently when the 6 months was up. He even bought us promise rings.
We’d decided before Christmas that I would come to him for a couple of weeks in late January. It turned out I was only able to come for 10 days due to work. We talked about it over the phone. He was very firm that we had agreed upon two weeks, so it was this or nothing at all. He also said I should tell work that I had promised my boyfriend and take the two weeks anyway, as he should be more important than my work. When I said it wasn’t going to happen, he got very angry and sarcastic. After we hung up, he sent me a text that we’re over.
I tried to reach out to him a couple of times, but he ignored my messages. I was devastated. Meanwhile, the situation at work sorted itself out, so I could have two weeks off. However, it was clear he didn’t want to speak with me. I thought it was over for good and didn’t expect to hear from him in a positive way again.
A couple of days later, my sister invited me for a long weekend in the beginning of February to get me out of the dark place I was in. I said yes. Then a week after he dumped me, I got a message from my ex where he asked if we could talk. I agreed. When we talked I understood that he wanted me back.
He then expected me to still come to him in January. I told him that I could come within the next couple of days, but that I had agreed to go on a long weekend with my sister in February, so it would still only be 10 days. Or I could come for 14 full days after the long weekend. Whatever he preferred.
He said that visiting him and then going on the long weekend with my sister would be selfish of me. That I was a raisin picker wanting to have the cake and eat it too. I tried to explain that I think it’s wrong to drop her now just because he decided to take me back. He stated that as I’ve said he’s the most important person to me, I should put him and our relationship first. If I didn’t, it would just be empty words and my sister should understand this. According to him, his sister would, and so would every other decent person.
He gave me an ultimatum, either I drop the long weekend and come to him, or he won’t have contact with me until we see each other again in March. I tried to make him understand that if I ditch people who are there for me whenever the situation changes, I will have no one in the end. That it’s not right by them either. He said that this shows what a calculating and mean person I am, just thinking of maximizing my benefits and taking advantage of others. That no one is there for him, but I’m a person that people take pity in and that I’m like a dog running after my big sister.
I tried to keep calm and respectful, but everything I said was met with contempt. When I cried I was playing the victim. When I tried to be nice I was sanctimonious and he wasn’t allowed to be himself. At the end of our talk, he softened somewhat, and asked me one final time to do the right thing by him and skip the trip with my sister. When I didn’t agree, it ended on a very sour note.
Literally minutes after hanging up, I got a message from him saying that he didn’t want me to come at all and that he wouldn’t have any more contact with me. Before I could even reply, he’d blocked me. I tried to ring once, but of course he ignored it. I haven’t tried to contact him since. Next day I got a text from him. He wrote that he’s deleted all our message history from two years back and that he wouldn’t answer any phone call from me. That we’re over for good and I’d had my chance.
I’m just blown away by his reaction. How could he dump me over this and in this way? Please help me understand if it’s something I don’t see?
Anon
You are wise to never speak to him again. He dumped you the first time over 4 days- unreasonable. Then he wants you back but did not change anything about his behavior before. Never look back on this one- this would never have worked out because is disrespectful towards you and threatens to end the relationship over very petty conflicts- I can’t even imagine how terrible he would handle a real issue like losing a job, illness, injury, or death of a loved one. Everything would be about him- yuck.
Tallspicy
You have dodged a major bullet here. between him being completely controlling, inflexible and many other things, there is one rule that is really important for dating and relationships that are harmonious.
Never date someone who makes everything a moratorium on how much you love them. Choose me choose me choose me choose me. Show me show me show me. It is one thing if you have a pattern of not being involved or engaged, but you were really reasonable.
It is a disaster waiting to happen when someone needs to be 1st every time. that is a very insecure person and potentially very controlling as well.
Tallspicy
And by the way for all the women on this forum, you should never be a person who demands that everything is a moratorium on how much he loves you. If you are secure and love yourself you’re OK with giving him a certain amount of freedom, assuming hes showing up in general quite well and consistently.
Miss_A
I rarely see things as black and white, but this seems to be. You’re right and he’s wrong. He’s acting like a total jerk. Either he’s just a d*ck in general, or he was looking for an excuse to end things. Or both. Please don’t ever let him back into your life again. You deserve much, much better.
Khadija
Be thankful things are over with this guy.
He is controlling and unreasonable.If you stayed with him he would have alienated you from all your friends and family.
He tried to use silence and threats in order to get you to abide by his rules. His behavior shows so much unhealthiness.
No matter how sad you get don’t take this man back or you will live regret it.
Your well being and happiness comes first, always remember that.
K
Sorry to say this, but I smell a rat. I bet anything he met someone else or has sex with someone else. This is how guilty people act. They blow things up and project on you and make you the bad guy because they can’t deal with what they did wrong.
I know it hurts but good riddance.
Vera
He is no good. You’re better off without .
mama
Well, we only have one side of the story — I’m not sure why he is having such a disproportionate response. It sounds like he isn’t doing well with the long distance thing and is taking it out on you.
Let some time pass, focus on your work and in the spring when you come back, you can decided whether or not to talk to him. But let it be on your terms. You don’t deserve to be treated with such lack of respect. Pulling the relationship rug out from under your feet every time he doesn’t get his way seems like a manipulative hurtful thing to do to a loved one. :(
Newbie
This is the pushy guy pushing for kids right? And the one demanding you message him asap and all other weird demands. Why dont you read those old threats and take the a advice and be done with him instead of writing more about this total deadbeat dad controlling clown
LaFrance Thibodeaux
Florence,Sometimes we have to hold ourselves responsible for how we’re being treated in relationships..Take a minute to think back..Was there anytime in the relationship where you’ve allowed him to have his way with you,whatever he says goes,& so forth?..If yes,then the reason he thinks that he can make threats & act out is because you’ve showed him that his behavior is okay..If no then hes just an a-hole looking for an escape route & you’ll be to blame let him tell it..This is mentally abuse at its finest & me personally he wouldve had only one time to disrespect or dump me because I wouldve ended it..Its ok to be submissive but never let anyone run you slap over..
LaFrance Thibodeaux
P.S.
“A wise girl kisses but doesn’t love,listens but doesn’t believe,and leaves before shes left”T from NY
This whole 10 days vs 14 days vs seeing your sister before or after him nonsense is completely irrelevant. What’s vitally important and I’m glad you innately clued into is — KEEPING YOUR BOUNDARIES as he is attempting to ABUSE YOU. Mentally and emotionally. Please recognize he is NOT a good person. I know we may have only one side of this story — but his actions described and the names you stated he called you are completely cray and I don’t need to know anymore to determine – he is a prick not worth even a moment more of your time. RUN I say, run. And maybe journal or get therapy to determine if there were signs of this selfishness before so that you don’t ever choose someone as manipulative as him again.
Sensy
Why are you dwelling? Can’t you see he’s selfish and would make your life miserable?
Kayt
He sounds like a child and his treatment of you is terrible. I’m very impressed you stood your ground and refused to start treating the people in your life badly in order to supposedly prove he is the most important person in your life.
You did nothing wrong. You actually did a great job of standing up for yourself and maintaining your integrity and your boundaries. The only thing I wonder is, why are you questioning yourself? He was able to dump you over this because of who HE is–an abusive, immature, toxic person. It has nothing to do with you, other than you being a good person he wants to control. Remember that. His behavior is all about him. It’s incomprehensible to you because you are a mature, healthy adult. So why are you attracting this type of man/allowing this type of man into your life?
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