Hot and cold….we don't evolve.


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This topic contains 13 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Angela 2 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #709584 Reply

    Angela

    Hi, I’ve been dating a guy for around 1 year and a half. He had a crush on me, so at first he tried really hard. I got lots of attention. He was really caring…

    after 3 months or so he cooled off,and we had a small crisis, I thought I was losing him, and I did all wrong I started to be a lot into him trying to recover his interest, of course I got the opposite result, the more attention I gave him the more he was withdrawing. I gave up…and he came back at me like a puppy.

    We were great for a few months and after that again a crisis, I learned the lesson and this time I did pretty much nothing (though I felt bad inside), after a few weeks things came back to normal and we’ve been good until now that I can tell he is suffocating again.

    And here is my question, I don’t know what is going on, or why this is happening, I feel like we run in circles. It can be truly frustating.

    If someone was in a similar situation or have an advice please tell me. I could tell he was suffocating again lately. But I don’t know from him since thursday. So I called him, I’m mad, but i was trying to act normal, I mentioned ” you’ve been very quiet” and he became all deffensive saying that there is no rule that says he must call me every day. So, I tried to explain him is hard for me how sometimes he seens to withdraw, and he said I was complaining out of the blue and I was being annoying.

    #709593 Reply

    Newbie

    He is either not that into you or youre having too high expectations of him being in touch with you. I cant tell which one it is from your post. What i can tell you is those hot and cold relationships almost never work out. Does he call himself your boyfriend? If not, then its a clear case of not going anywhere and i would back off and go date other guys

    #709595 Reply

    Hannah

    I’m sorry to say, this sounds like a guy who has issues with commitment or just isn’t that into you.

    Does he love you? Are you planning a future together?

    #709626 Reply

    Ali

    Hi, so I don’t exactly know what “cold” means to you, but if you mean backing off, not contacting you as much, etc, I think it’s actually fairly common for that to happen from time to time. My BF will sometimes go a bit quiet for a few days and I’ve learned it means nothing other than he is busy or just recalibrating. If you pick at it though, yes, it can get stressful and start a push-pull dynamic that isn’t healthy.
    so, I guess unless i know more about what “cold” really means in practical terms, and how long this goes on for, it’s hard to advise. People have VERY different definitions of what hot/cold means, some women on her get bent out of shape if a guy isn’t paying constant attention to them, in in a LTR, there are always going to be times when you are not the absolute #1 priority 24/7. So some of this may just be the ebb and flow of the relationship…. but again, what I mean by “hot and cold” may be very different to what you mean. Can you explain how he acts in a “cold” period and how long it goes on for??

    #709647 Reply

    Josie

    Hi Angela,

    So if I am understanding this correctly, him withdrawing seems to be a pattern? I watched a really great sermon the other day that said not to focus on potential in someone and rather focus on patterns. When you move further in the relationship, those patterns are likely to remain. Just because someone may have potential does not mean they make the right partner for you because there’s nothing but the idea that they could be different.

    If this is indeed a pattern you’ve continued to experience during your entire relationship, it probably will not change no matter how much you love and care about him.

    #709665 Reply

    Emma

    but I agree that patterns are very important. If you call a crisis him vanishing on your for days with no word or warning, then I agree it ain’t pleasant. Do what worked. As soon as you withdraw form him he came running like a puppy. If it happens a couple more times, I think you have your answer, which is this guy is not what you want and probably not as much into you.

    #709752 Reply

    Jasmin

    You should ask him if he wants to be with you. Like really be with you. Like if he sees a future with you. In my experience, ex’s that has treated me like that, no matter how many times they came back or I came back it still ended. I think maybe you two need to break up or go on a break and he needs to think about whether he really want something this or if you want to be with a guy who isn’t being emotionally stable with you. I guy who wants to be with a woman will not yell at her for calling and be so hot and cold with your relationship

    #709754 Reply

    sigoyo

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    #709777 Reply

    Angela

    Thanks everybody, yes Alli, I meant backing off by cold. He is contacting me a lot less, when we talk I feel he is not much into the conversation, often priorize friends over me….

    1 month ago , we both were perfect, I don’t want to give up that fast, I have nothing to lose anyway at this point, I just can’t understand what makes him lose the interest.

    I was trying to remember if something happened, I can’t remember anything in particulary, I remember him saying that I was complaining a lot, maybe I suffocated him, I don’t know and he is not an open book, so is imposible to know.

    Someone asked if he calls himself my boyfriend, yes he does. We are official.

    #709785 Reply

    Newbie

    The best receipe to keep a guy interested and yourself happier is to do more things for you, go out, pick up a hobby, etc. It creates a more healthier relationship dynamic. If he picks his friends over you, then do the same. Dont judge a relationship from texting habits but his efforts to spend time with you

    #709814 Reply

    Ali

    Complaining a lot– yes, if you are doing that it will make a man pull away. That’s not to say that you shouldn’t express your feelings if you are upset about something, but there is a way to do it that isn’t complaining. “complaining” is probably men’s least favorite thing for women to do. They really want to make us happy and when they just get a bunch of negative reinforcement it drives them away, very reliably.

    What kinds of things were you “complaining” about ?

    so, it could be that, or it could be occasionally he just gets in a bit of a mood and wants a bit more room. if it’s just for a few days, and he isn’t ignoring you, just reaching out a bit less, I’d let it go and just chalk it up to him needing a bit of room. Usually they come back stronger and sweeter if you give the gift of space. But again, this is ONLY if it’s just for a few days. to be clear:

    – being a bit less chatty / affectionate for a few days = probably no big deal, something going on in his head, etc. If you were to NEED him during this time (i.e. you had an emergency or something,) you get the sense he’d be there of course, and he doesn’t downright IGNORE important questions, but just seems to be kinda stuck in his own head etc….

    – not talking to you for a week, making excuses not to see you, losing interest in sex. etc == fade out.

    #709880 Reply

    Sophia

    Hi Angela,

    I am in the same situation. I’ve been with this guy for a year and half, and when that much time passes without the official “boyfriend” “girlfriend” title something is just not connecting somewhere. This guy definitely cares about you, and maybe when he’s gone through life and 50 years old he will be ready to settle down and be with someone like you – but that time is not now. Now do you want to wait for him to be ready to settle, or do you want to take charge of your life and find someone who will give you what you want right now?

    I recently dropped the guy I was with for a year and a half and it was so hard. We cared about each other deeply, had love for each other, but no matter what, we did not evolve to boyfriend and girlfriend and I had to let him go. It seemed so simple to me – two people like each other, so why not add that title and show some commitment to that person? If it doesn’t work out, so be it. But he didn’t even want to give me that. So something must be wrong. Either he doesn’t like me that much, or he just isn’t ready to commit. When we first started dating, I was OK with non commitment, but now I know I want a real relationship, and it won’t come from him.

    Dropping this guy will be hard if you do it – but that pain will last at most a year if you are not putting yourself out there and meeting new people and living your life. It will take even less time if you do those things. And after you’ve gone through this BS with this guy, you will never let another person do that to you again. You can find happiness elsewhere – your life is not at all limited to this man. Your emotions are allowing you to cling – but if you sever the contact completely, you will be better for it in the long run, trust me. There’s someone out there who will give you exactly what you need, and won’t play these games with you, so why settle for less?

    #709908 Reply

    Anonymous

    I ended a relationship that I was in for much longer than the one you are in. I tried everything to help our relationship. He didn’t care until I didn’t anymore.

    Advice from someone I know that has been married 31 years. He said the way his wife handles things to get him to listen is she doesn’t complain or blame. She says to him when you do this it makes me feel this way. Then see what he does.

    As far as the friends don’t make him choose that’s a no win situation. These guys/ladies are right if he is making his friends a priority over you don’t make him a priority over your friends. Like if they want to go out Saturday night and he hasn’t committed to anything say Wednesday and your friends need to know to make reservations and whatever then make and keep plans with your friends. He may or may not change his tune but you will be having fun. Give him as much time and priority as he does you.

    The other thing is do you open up to him when you have a problem and let him know what is going on? Trust goes both ways. You can always put this out there something I care about you and if you need to talk I am here to listen when or if you need me. But the thing is you can’t judge and no matter what you can’t take it personal.

    Another way to handle the situation is you explaining that this hot/cold bothers you and you just can’t deal with it anymore and we need to resolve this together as a couple. That may encourage him to open up to you. Playing the blame game serves no purpose if you want to make things better. If things don’t start getting better you have to know when to walk away.

    #709938 Reply

    Angela

    Thanks girls.

    Sophia, sorry to read that, I hope you’ll find someone else who makes you happier.

    When I say we don’t evolve, I mean that we are always in this roller coaster, hot-cold, he does consider me his gf and we are official.

    Ali, yes, maybe I was complaining because I need some kind of contact everyday, we can’t see each other daily and that’s ok with me, but I would like that we could speak or at least send a few messages everyday. He can’t understand that, he says that we can be able to be a few days with no contact, so I was complaining about it.

    I’ll follow the advices I got here, and do more things for me, whatever that can happen I’ll feel better anyway.

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