Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Honest feedback if (that) I made the right decision
- This topic has 4 replies and was last updated 2 years, 3 months ago by
Serena94.
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Serena94
I recently broke it off with a guy I was seeing for about 2 months ago. I really liked him, but He has a very busy work schedule of 85h a week and only 8h a week of free time which he (partly) spend on me. I was oke with that as I’m also quit busy and don’t want things to go too quickly. So we saw eachother 1x every 1-1,5week
The first month was great and if we saw each other or called the dates/ calls were intense (e.g. dates of 8h and calls of 3/4h) and communicated atleast every 2 days. He never was much of a texter but after the 2e date I noticed the communication became less.
After not hearing from him for 4 days I texted lets have a call and it wasnt possible for 3 days after. During that call I asked him how his communication style was and that I would like some communication every 2-3days to keep the connection as we do not live close by. Somehow we had kind of a relationship convo as he said he wasnt sure he would change his communication/free time if he had a relationship. So naturally I asked a bit more as I’m open for a rela. He said he has a very busy lifestyle, will not change his communication and carreer comes first but in the 8h he is willing to spend his time on me. So, I suggested: we only text for logistics for the date and plan new one on the date itself and otherwise have quick phone call every 2-3 days). He was oke with that, so we planned a new date after not seeing eachother for 2 weeks.
We would meet on the Wednesday (week 3), but he canceled on Monday due to workload and suggested a new date. I was understanding and suggested Saturday. He wasn’t sure yet but would let me know. So I asked let me know before Friday evening so I can make other plans. He didnt let me know untill that Saturday at 4 in the afternoon saying he was really tired. I gave him a last chance and we would meet the next wednesday (week 4). Later I discovered the week 4 date would again be under conditions if work would come inbetween So I texted him: If the date again is under conditions Lets not meet a I do not want to feel to stay on stand bye. To which he said: my weekplans are always on conditions because of work. If your not oke with this we cannot work. To which I replied: then lets break it off as I do not want to feel our time/dates are always under conditions and can be canceled last minute. Its also about respect for my free-time, not only yours.
My question:
– Did I scare him away with the relationship talk and he decided then to keep it lowkey(I didn’t wanted it initially as the talk is too soon, but it come up anyways)
– Or should I have talked to him in person about this instead over text and gave him A real life chance to talk it through?
– Should I have been more patient as I know december is always a busy month and he needed to finish everything before his vacation in January?Maddie
You’ve written about this before, and he has always been upfront that he will always prioritize work over you. That has nothing to do with you at all, it is simply the kind of dating situation he is seeking. All on his terms. You did not scare him off but instead were honest and discovered that you have conflicting priorities (you rightfully don’t want a boyfriend who will always always always put you second to working 85 hour weeks). You are not compatible with each other as you are not looking for the same lifestyles.
While he told you his terms right away, in the last post you wondered if you were okay with someone having a schedule like this and wanting everything on his terms. So now you’ve learned from this experience that the answer is no. Take that learning and move on without worrying more about him. He wants companionship on his terms without putting in any relationship effort, and any woman wanting a full relationship will not want to date him.
Rox
Hi Serena,
You made the right choice. You wanted more. He is married to his work. Consider him unavailable just like a married man.
For your questions, yes you probably should have had the talk over phone or in person. I personally hate text and if that was an important conversation for you, then it should not be text.
But it’s done and that’s it!
Don’t replay everything. It’s a product of rumination. Be well and own your individuality. Good luck.T from NY
Setting boundaries and showing up for YOU can feel scary. Resist the urge to back track, rewind, dissect the choices your intuition-truest self directed. I don’t care how much a man cares for me – I want a breathing, solid, presence next to me on the couch at night. I also sure as hell wouldn’t be able to give a guy I was dating dayyyyys to call me back.
Sit in the discomfort of something ending that you felt fondly about. It’s natural. It’s just hard to feel those crappy feelings so women tend to go all action-oriented after the fact. Nurture you. Be proud of you. Forget tepid men as soon as you possibly can.
Serena94
Hi everyone,
Thanks for the honest feedback everyone! Yes, its true I’ve been wondering if I would be oke with his kind of schedule and tbh I actually am. What I think for me the problem was more is the feelings of (dis)respect for my free time.
@Rox I’ve had a personal conversation already with him over (video)phone where we talked about our communication styles and his schedule and not wanting to make concessions on his work/social balance. So, for me it felt like as it is related to what we already discussed better to be clear also to him that if he did
I am slowly coming to the realisation now everyone is right that I did good to make this decision. I needed objective opinions from people outside of my friend group who didn’t know me personally, so thank you for that!
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