He's lost interest after first date. How to respond if he gets in touch?


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This topic contains 11 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Emma 5 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #735721 Reply

    tomoko331

    I (27F) went on a date with a guy (28M) from bumble who I was really attracted to and found really interesting and nice. Our date was about 6 hours long and he mentioned that he had a really great time. I told him that I did too and would love to meet up with him again sometime and he agreed. When my uber arrived to pick me up, he awkwardly said ‘I dunno…Should I kiss you?’. We kissed momentarily on the lips and about 30 minutes after I sent him a message saying it was nice meeting him and he responded saying likewise and also making an inside joke from earlier in the night.

    The day after my house mate wanted me to show her a picture of him and I noticed that he totally redid his bio and put up all these new pictures that day. I thought this was strange and my housemate mentioned that the success of such a good date maybe gave him a big ego boost and now he wants to try and meet up with more girls.

    About 3 days passed without hearing anything from him, so I today thought I’d try to take initiative by sending him a link to a movie I recommended to him. He hasn’t responded to my message for a few hours but I can see that his distance keeps changing, meaning that he has been using the app since.

    Everyone around me tells me I should just move on from this guy and I’m starting to feel a little underwhelmed with his effort, however I don’t want to be too hard on him either. If he gets in touch soon, I think I will just be polite, friendly and casual and leave it up to him to make the next move. However, I have a feeling he is going to get in touch much later on when it’s too late and at that point I probably would feel apprehensive.

    If he were to respond say in a week or two weeks from now, how would you suggest I proceed? In particular, what should I communicate to him maintaining a high level of dignity?

    #735722 Reply

    Lurker

    What are you looking for?

    I wouldn’t give someone the time of day if they weren’t polite enough to respond to a message, to be honest.

    He’s certainly not acting like someone who sees you as the one girl he wants to get to know right now; so if he reaches out again ‘in a while’ I’d just block him.

    #735724 Reply

    anon

    Next Please.

    If you are attractive and a good person, you will deal with MANY circle backs in online dating- nice first date, then they go back online, have some good dates, maybe a really bad one, then they circle back. I’d say 10% of my first dates pursue a second date, 50% mutual disinterest, and 40% fall off and circle back weeks later.

    Personally, I don’t think its a horrible thing if you are just looking for generic, casual meet people. But these guys are just out there checking out their prospects (for the record, until a guy locks you in to a relationship, YOU should similarly be dating others). I’m doing the same so it doesn’t really bother me. If they ask me out a second time, I may or may not take them up on it, depending on how I felt about them. Generally though if a handsome man wants to take me out, I’m not saying no, unless its a home date offer.

    That said, ignoring your message was rude AF. Guys that ignore messages are a red flag that they will either ghost or fade if you get a connection going.

    #735726 Reply

    tomoko331

    Thanks Anon!

    Realllly interesting response, this isn’t the only circle back scenario I have experienced and now you mention it I can think of a number of others similar to him.

    I’ll admit I do see myself as an attractive, interesting woman and can’t help but doubt myself when I have these guys pull this kind of thing on me and I end up feeling rejected, questioning my value. I know, it really is pathetic and it should never be tied to a man’s romantic whims. I’m working on it though!

    I would date multiple men, however I find it challenging to meet men that interest me enough to date even though I have many opportunities. Perhaps the men in my town are just a bit lack luster? This guy was the first one in months that I had an interest in.

    #735731 Reply

    anon

    Maybe be more open minded about who you will meet? A lot of good guys are really lackluster online, but when you get to know them they are interesting people. Same with looks. Some are horrible at selfies.

    A date is just getting to know someone. I think if someone spends 6 hours with you, its an indicator that you are a quality woman, but usually for a reason unrelated to your quality, something isn’t right. The man might be emotionally unavailable, looking for a hook up, prefer red heads- list goes on and on. I’ve met some great guys and just not been compelled to go out again. Legit high quality men- great jobs, handsome. And I’ve really fallen for some losers. So you just never know. It’s not about checking boxes.

    #735738 Reply

    Mena

    PLEASE do yourself a favor and move on.

    A man is able and made to pursue the woman he wants. IF he’s not pursuing he doesn’t want you. Not to be mean or harsh, but that’s life. Not everyone will want you. Give yourself a chance to find someone who will want you BACK.

    SPare yourself the questioning. Why do you feel obligated to give him even one more second of your time and life? It’s obvious…he’s not interested.

    You’re incredible and deserve to be pursued and chased. Good luck.

    #735739 Reply

    Yasmina

    You need to get a whole lot smarter about how you approach online dating. You’re making every mistake in the book.

    Six hours on a first date is too much exposure. An hour, two tops is plenty. Make sure you end the date first. Thank him, tell him it was nice to meet him and you enjoyed your time with him, enjoyed his company, whatever pleasantry. Do not say you’d like to see him again, only respond if he asks you out. Don’t contact him afterward for any reason. Let him come forward and lead.

    You’ve chased this guy too much. He’s shown you he’s not interested. If he comes back around, I would ignore, but obviously you’re hoping against hope that he will. He will only get in touch if he’s bored and has nothing better to do than see if you’re still hanging on the line and available, and I think you know that.

    Close this one out and learn from it.

    #735743 Reply

    Khadija

    Please stop overthinking this and move on.

    You had one date with this man.

    He probably is out there meeting other women and you should be out meeting other men.

    When you are online dating you will probably have a lot of nice first dates and then they go nowhere. This is just how it can be.

    Don’t get too invested and if they aren’t following up with a second date soon after on to the next.

    If he reaches out weeks later or even months later its probably because the woman he chased wasn’t all that into him.

    In no way do I want to come off as negative but, this really is how things can be.
    If you keep at it and don’t get discouraged you can meet someone online.

    #735758 Reply

    Lexy

    I agree with the others. Time to say “NEXT!” I spent months making all the same mistakes when I began online dating, and it led to a lot of disappointment and wasted time. Time that I could have been out with friends or on dates with other men. It took a while (and reading a lot in this forum) to realize that. I had the fantastic 6 hour date. He hugged me at the end of the date, said he’d be in touch and I never heard from him again. No more of those for me! I’ve been more successful with shorter first dates, i.e. meet for coffee or a drink. Dinner is really awkward with a stranger, especially if you know right off the bat you aren’t into them. I simply let them know near the end of the date that I’ve had a nice time and thank them for the coffee/drink and leave it at that. I leave it up to them to message after the date and/or set up the next one. Some do, some don’t. It’s hard not to see it as rejection, I get it. But it’s part of dating these days. Sometimes it stings, but simply say, ok, he’s not the one…so next!

    #735761 Reply

    Jenny OG

    Maybe it’s just me but I could give a flying f*ck about being contacted after one date. At that point it’s- would ‘I’ agree to meet you again if you happened to ask…? I suppose I get that people feel excitement after an enjoyable night, but to actually emotionally invest after 6 hours of knowing someone makes little sense to me. Say he did contact me 3 weeks later, I’d respond with the exact same answer as I would have initially *given my OWN circumstances hadn’t changed. Granted, I wouldn’t have reached out bc again, I wouldn’t care enough to put forth the effort. So you’re in a position of being “ignored” now which is entirely different. But maybe he’s 4 dates in with another and naturally leaning more towards her *right now* and 3 weeks later he discovers he doesn’t want to progress that & remembers that cool chick from a couple weeks ago= he reaches out and asks for date 2??! In that situation his motivations and actions aren’t an absolute reflection of how he feels about you, it’s dating, the GETTING TO KNOW EACHOTHER phase. I mean geez, the expectations that after one date you stake claim on a person is ridiculous to me. I know a lot of people disagree with my perspective but just my 2 cents. Good luck! :)

    #735767 Reply

    Jenny OG

    If you make it to date 2, I like you

    If you make it to date 4, I could see us dating long-term

    2 months in, you can meet some of my friends

    6 months, maybe a sibling or 2

    No exclusivity until I’m comfortable enough and actually desire taking on that responsibility

    And no parents until you’re my boyfriend

    #735814 Reply

    Emma

    Hey girl, you made all possible mistakes! turned yourself into a man LOL

    6 hours of your time to a guy you never met – shows low self esteem and eagerness.
    telling him you want to meet him again – he needs to wonder if he woed you enough for that, but you are offering yourself to him on a platter. Men like some challenge!
    Texting after the date – his job. Also shows your eagerness.

    Doing all this – you don’t know what he felt. You pretty much emasculated him.

    This was only one date. Stop chasing and do not follow up!! Maybe he’d come around. Give him some time for that.

    Your friend is right. His ego skyrocketed after your “courting”. it is a huge ego boost for a man when a woman says ‘yes’ to a date. But you are offering yourself to him. He had a hardon and went on bubble to look for better deals. Typical male LOL

    Give him some time.

    When he contacts you (and I think he will, if you don’t chase him anymore, and by chasing at this point means ANY contact via any media), you delay your reply. Wait until next day and then reply with some very polite and nice text asking him how he’s been. He’d follow up with some BS about being busy etc. because he’d understand you are hinting at his disappearance. To that – you do not reply.

    A few days later he’d contact you with a proper message and will ask you out properly, if he is interested. If he doesn’t, toss this one out, learn from it, and move on.

    You don’t play games, but you do need to have some situational and social awareness. And develop an ability to navigate more complex situations and communicate in more subtle ways.

    Men always fall off their high ego horse LOL Trust me here. He’d be back.

    If he uninvited you on a second date, behave yourself! Be a lady. Read on what not to do and what not to say. Some things are obvious but some are not. Men read as well, they expect certain behaviour from a woman of value. Unfortunately being a nice girl means “low value” these days, so do not rush to exhibit nice and kind qualities until you get to know a man. And this means 2-3 months AT LEAST.

    Online dating makes everyone nearly disposable and replaceable. Being “nice” and available in this context is counter productive. Everything you say is being measured, so things like “it wold be nice to do it again” is interpreted as “you are desperate, have no options, too easy”. It is stupid of course, but how hard it is for you NOT to say them? You can still say some other nice things to him, compliment him on something neutral. But do not say the wrong things, i.e. those that send the wrong signals, especially to men, who tend to think schematically at first.

    So relax and be PATIENT. Do nothing, and when (and if) he contacts you, proceed with “street smarts”. LOL

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