This topic contains 23 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by anon 9 months, 4 weeks ago.
December 18, 2018 at 5:07 pm #732747
So I went on this Tinderdate a few days ago. Everything went well, we had a fun time. We also kissed, which I normally never do on the first date but it kinda just happened. I also wouldn’t mind too much but since that date is feels like he’s moving really fast with all of this. After that kiss he got kinda handsy, not in an inappropriate way but just constantly touching my hand or my arm, putting my hair behind my ear,… . I felt very uncomfortable with that, especially since it was only the first date. I tend to not fall in love fast and like to take things slow, so maybe it’s me but he’s being very intense with all of this. He’s giving me constant compliment, planning the third date while we haven’t even had our second date yet. He also told me he wasn’t going to go on any other dates and asked me if I would. He just comes off way to intense and strong and it kind of feeds my urge to push him away.
How do I react to this? Is this as big of a red flag as it feels like to me or am I jsut overreacting?December 18, 2018 at 5:17 pm #732748
Just have a conversation with him that for you it’s moving too fast which is not your thing and you’d appreciate it if the pace would be a bit slower. Communicate this clearly to him and listen to his answers and watch his actions afterwards then you decide if you wish to continue seeing him.December 18, 2018 at 5:25 pm #732749
Guys who are like this move fast and disappear even faster.
If you don’t feel uncomfortable after one date I wouldn’t see him again.
Oftentimes this behavior is ploy to get you into bed.December 18, 2018 at 5:28 pm #732750
Sounds like he’s trying to give you a false sense of connection, to butter you up for sex. A person who is truly looking for a compatible partner (or at least open to the possibility of a relationship) would be more cautious, since you’re a stranger. What starts off hot and heavy often crashes and burns just as fast.December 18, 2018 at 5:29 pm #732751
That’s really what it feels like to me as well. I’ve been here before with a guy, but didn’t see it as a huge red flag back then. I put myself out there and got my feelings hurt really badly. That’s why this is such a huge red flag to me now.December 18, 2018 at 5:34 pm #732752
I am going to talk to him, since I’m not one to just ghost people. We’ve got a sencond date planned, and I really wanted to tell him in person, because by text it might come off really harsh. But I also don’t think I can handle this much longer and really feel the urge to just tell him right now by text.December 18, 2018 at 5:50 pm #732759
You had one date. Red flags all over the place. You don’t feel good about it. He was all over you and you didn’t set firm boundaries. He already knows you’re an easy mark. I can easily see you going out with him again and winding up in bed and posting there that “it just happened.” You don’t like this situation and you need to honor that. Everyone is right about this type of guy. Only wants sex and will disappear. The hotter they burn in the beginning the faster they turn cold. Don’t see him again. It’s OK to tell him by text that you just don’t see this going anywhere and thanks anyway. Then block. This guy won’t go away easily. This won’t end well, I think, if you see him again. I hope you will trust your instincts and not worry about hurting his feelings or being nice or anything like that.December 18, 2018 at 6:03 pm #732762
I’m pretty sure I won’t end up in bed with him. I said the kiss ‘just happened’ because at that moment there weren’t any red flags yet, I also did really like him, so that didn’t really matter. It was only after that kiss all of these red flags appeared.
But by now it’s pretty clear to me by the responses that this isn’t just me being scared of commitment, it really is a serious red flag.
Just wondering. How many people think he’s acting like this to get me in bed or do you think it’s because he’s got some kind of issues that makes him way to clingy?December 18, 2018 at 6:09 pm #732763
Agree with the others, this has happened to me in the past and these guys never ever stick around long especially when they realise you’re not weak to their ‘loving’December 18, 2018 at 6:48 pm #732764
I think it’s more likely that he’s trying to get you in bed rather than evidence of clingy-type issues. Regardless, neither one of those reasons are attractive if you’re looking for a relationship.December 19, 2018 at 4:42 am #732822
I had a couple of dates with a guy who was EXACTLY like this. After our first date he told me he would be taking his dating profile down, was telling me I was perfect and beautiful etc. I did express that I found things moving so quickly a bit difficult, and he apologised and blamed the fact he just wore his heart on his sleeve and was an open person. So, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and we went on a second date during which he was just as full-on, if not more. We did have a kiss just before the end of the date – after the kiss he looked and me and went “oh wow” which made me cringe, and then on his train journey home he sent me a photo of his ticket which the inspector had stamped with a heart shape, saying that must have been because the inspector could see how much he was smiling having been kissing a “sexy fox”. All of this totally turned me off and I called it off after that date. It was a shame, as he was a good looking, nice guy and we had a lot in common, but I couldn’t handle how fast he was moving and the excessive compliments and overblown declarations of how perfect and amazing I was after only having known me for a matter of hours. Especially as I’d already made it clear to him on our first date that I was uncomfortable with it.
In answer to your question, I don’t think this was necessarily him trying to get you into bed. I didn’t think it with my date either. With mine, he was only a couple of months out of a very long term relationship which had ended badly and he got swept up in the fact he’d met someone he clicked with on a lot of (fundamentally superficial) ways; we liked the same music, had similar interests etc. You sound similar to me – this kind of behaviour is always far more likely to drive me away from a guy rather than entice me to jump into bed with him straight away.December 19, 2018 at 6:08 am #732824
In my experience, guys who shower you with compliments and declarations of love right after they meet you will disappear when their technique doesn’t get results quickly. I call them pidgeon-guys. Those birds court one female at the time with all their effort, but if it doesn’t work in a few minutes… They turn their attention to another and all the previous ones don’t exist anymore.December 19, 2018 at 10:13 am #732848
He had no right to be touching your hair on the first date. It’s creepy. I think he doesn’t see woman as people, but objects. He lacks respect, boundaries and common sense.
I can’t imagine having a talk with him about it. You shouldn’t have to teach a man how to behave.December 19, 2018 at 11:08 am #732857
I don’t think he is necessarily trying to lead you astray, but if you feel creeped out by a guy after a first date, there is generally no turning back. Text him and cancel date #2, and say good bye.
Generally, if a relationship will work, you should have some chemistry, and if he is touching you, while you might feel nervous or uncertain, or like you need to hit the brakes, that’s normal. But if you feel full on creeped out, he isn’t the one.December 19, 2018 at 5:59 pm #732908
Thanks for all the answers!
I was planning on giving it another change since I told him honestly how I felt. He first told me he would slow down and then asked me if I still wanted to meet for our second date that was already planned. When I told him I needed some time to process and would maybe postpone he told me he understood but in the same text reminded me he paid for my drinks on the first date and that it would be a very rude move from me considering that.
He kinda did me a favor there, I’m certainly not going on any dates with him anymore. First of all I don’t owe him anything, he offered to pay the drinks. Secondly, I offered to split the bill and when he said he would pay I asked him if he was absolutely sure, which he was.
See, this is why I absolutely hate dating…December 20, 2018 at 1:05 am #732952
Elle, we are all proud of you for acting wisely!
Keep your head up! Do not let that guy manipulate you in the forms of a guilt trip or name-calling. Those are additional red flags!
I have actually been in a similar situation. This guy was being beyond creepy in prodding me to meet on a Friday night, completely disrespecting my earlier notification that I was on call for work the next morning. He tried to claim that I would neversupposedly find such as an honest guy as him. Then he tried to guilt trip me with something along the lines of, “You know I have been keeping the weekend open since we have been thinking of meeting.” I then immediately blocked him everywhere and did not feel even a tinge of guilt or remorse.
There was this other guy who was similarly a bad apple. Once I rejected him, he name-called me and tried to call me physically unattractive, to no avail. All that interaction with him did was cause me to laugh incessantly! Then my female friends further enlightened me with, “That guy has some serious issues. No one should resort to name-calling when feeling rejected” and “I hate it when guys hit on you, and when you say no, call you ugly. They didn’t think so a second ago.”
I agree that dating can be tough, especially when weeding through the ones who are not worth it. When you do find the one who is worth it, he will make you feel valuable and proud.December 20, 2018 at 2:04 am #732955
Anne Ohio: “He had no right to be touching your hair on the first date. It’s creepy.”
They kissed, so its not entirely his fault… I doubt Elle was forced into kissing
it may seem like this from his side: they went on a date, he paid for the drinks, she was keen on kissing
and then she is telling him its too fast
maybe he went on too many dates himself when the girl seemed keen to have her drinks paid and kissing, but then nothing more
thats online dating
Elle, next time pay for your own drinks and dont kiss – its a signal you are giving a green light to sex, even if you are not
I mean, tinder is about hookups anyway, or not?
I mean, you cant have your drinks paid for and kissing on a first date and then playing the “I never do this on a first date and I am uncomfortable with this” princess, you know what I mean?
If you want to meet somebody normal for a possible relationship, go to meetups, go to places of interest, where you can find organically similar people
if you want a hookup, go to tinder
I am amazed that girls go on tinder dates and then complain about man just wanting sex….
halloooo….. :)December 20, 2018 at 6:38 am #732977
‘next time pay for your own drinks and don’t kiss’
I did offer to the point he was getting frustrated that I didn’t want him to pay all of it. It felt like I was insulting him by offering to pay for myself.
And then again, at the moment the kiss didn’t feel wrong. We connected. It’s only after that things started to go downhill.
I know this might come of to him as very shallow from my part, but I did really try to explain to him what exactly made me feel uncomfortable. He pulled the ‘i paid for the drinks’ card when he was feeling rejected, even though he got almost insulted when i wanted to pay for my own.
No ones playing “princess” here, thank you very much.December 20, 2018 at 6:42 am #732979
Also ‘Tinder is about hookups anyway’
Two of my friends met their boyfriends of 2 years and more on Tinder. It’s not just about hookups anymore, I’ve met great people through this app.
Don’t try to shame me into thinking this was my own fault by being on Tinder.December 20, 2018 at 7:46 am #732983
Pandora… worst advice ever. This guy is clearly a creep and Elle did a great job at picking up on that and nexting him.
Men are supposed to pay for drink on the first date. And a woman can kiss whomever she wants without having to take it further. If he had expectations, that’s his own problem. She owes him nothing.December 20, 2018 at 8:32 am #732988
Okey then :)December 20, 2018 at 10:46 am #733000
@Pandora, Elle didn’t come here to be slut shamed, she came here for help. Not helpful.December 20, 2018 at 10:54 am #733002
Shannon, you mean like your helpful advice? :)
okey, sorry girlsDecember 20, 2018 at 11:26 am #733008
In most parts of the US, men know that paying for a drink isn’t a guarantee of anything. Even the guys on Tinder. Even guys just wanting a hook up. Also, people are on Tinder for a variety of reasons.
Bottom line, she kissed, got the creep vibe, took a step back and this guy tried to shame her. The vast majority of men I have gone out with on Tinder have been WAYYYYYYY more respectful when asked to back off or turned down. So no, you should not expect this kind of behavior just because you are on Tinder.
A guy paying for your drinks doesn’t obligate a girl to go further with you just like a having sex with a guy doesn’t obligate him to be in a relationship with you.
My advice is that next time, just stick to one drink, not so much to stay sober, but to keep the tab low for the guy so he isn’t resentful about paying when you don’t want to see him again.