He's completely played me – I need tips on self-closure/picked up


Home Forums Break Up Advice He's completely played me – I need tips on self-closure/picked up

This topic contains 12 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  anon 1 month ago.

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  • #773038 Reply

    Alex

    I have posted a week ago, how my LDR partner confessed mid fight that he “almost slept with a girl, but stopped before anything happened” because of me.

    I went no contact. I have broken up with him. Please note during our year LDR he PROMISED me he wasn’t mailing other girls – despite me asking him several times (because I could feel him pull away).

    Tonight I have found out from a few girls that he’s been sending them very long mails & asking them to meet up with him only a few months back. One of the girls? I had asked him about her, and he told me he doesn’t know her and hasn’t spoken to her, but she told me herself tonight he was mailing her asking to take her out for food. He actually lied to me. He made me genuinely believe he was faithful & waiting for me, while texting girls/trying to meet them behind my back. I am beyond heartbroken.

    I am so upset & I know I cannot go to him with this, because Im trying to heal. Asking for closure, IMO, is avoiding closure. But I feel a DEEP sense of pain & betrayal & I feel like I will never trust a man again.

    How do I handle this?
    When I can’t ask him, because he’s never been faithful to me in the whole year we was together, I doubt he will now. So how do I process this and move on from this in a healthy way? I am so angry. I’m so hurt.

    Please give me all your advise. Anyone been in a similar situation? Please can you all tell me your worst dating stories and how you all managed to walk away. I am lost.

    #773044 Reply

    Better off single

    Not every man out there is that fked up and cold. Keep moving forward.

    #773045 Reply

    Better off single

    Stop blaming yourself and realize this guy is just sorry he got caught.

    #773046 Reply

    Better off single

    And tried to blame you for it.

    #773049 Reply

    Lane

    All this is doing is driving you crazier, and need to stop at this point. You now have all the information you need to start the process of ending this relationship by saying “I’m done, its over, and I never want to see or speak to d!ckweed again!”

    The next step is taking the ‘out of sight, out of mind’ breakup method. This mental image helps me: I’m sitting in the driver’s seat of my car, looking forward, I take one glance back at the guy in the rearview mirror, say “good bye”, turn my head forward, punch the gas, and keep my head forward by focusing on all the good things ahead of me, not who I left in the dust (past).”

    I know breakups suck. At this moment you need to let it and him go, stop all investigating or stalking, and block him at every avenue—the more fuel you add to the ashes, the longer it takes to mend and heal. Pour all your energy and mental focus on you! Look for fun things to do, watch lots of comedy, indulge in some ice cream, buy some puzzles, anything to get your mind off him, and onto you or something else—learning how to laugh and smile again is the best medicine for heartbreak.

    #773059 Reply

    Anderson

    If it helps, everything you’re feeling is normal. Fear of not being able to trust another person, doubting if anything in the relationship was genuine.

    Do you have anyone you could talk to this about? Yes, you can’t get closure from him (you still could if you’re not the type to regret giving people a polite piece of your mind) but it’s handy to have a support system to help you process and cope through this.

    #773067 Reply

    Mary

    Reply Edit from mod: Hi Mary, welcome to the forums.

    It’s considered more polite to start your own thread than to post in an existing conversation. At the top of the page, there are links which say “Home > Forums > Break Up Advice” – you can click on the “Break Up Advice” to go into that forum, and you can start a new thread using the form at the bottom. Best wishes.

    I need some advice, I have been going crazy and being hard on myself over this guy. We met via a mutual friend, but on a social media app. My good friend moved to a new state, he made friends with this guy who added me on social media and we hit it off. We talked/flirted here and there a few times a month but then the last month and a half he kicked it up a lot and we text /phone call/ FaceTime everyday and night. He said all the right things and was getting to know each other and was such a gentleman. Finally after them both telling me to come visit multiple times I found time in my schedule to go visit my friend/ meet this guy who I have been falling for for months now. We had deep convos and talked about traveling together and staying with him when I go to visit and how excited he is that im coming to see him and all the things were going to do.
    Then this last week hes been distant. 2 weeks before I fly there…. I know hes stressed and busy with work so I gave him some space, and didnt expect to talk daily. But then I noticed he got shorter and shorter or even went days without even say hi. He just said sorry I have been really busy. So finally after going nuts for a week of feeling like I messed up or pushed him away, or wasn’t good enough. I asked if he could tell me what happen since things feel different. if its just work stuff then thats fine I respect it and will give space but if its something I did or he doesn’t want to talk or see me anymore, then he owes me the truth. His response was, “Yeah so I got back with my ex this weekend.”
    I have no clue what to do! I didnt even respond to that message, it was a slap in the face! I had no clue there was even an ex, since no one has been in the picture for months or If she even lives there near him. Im going there soon with a group of my friends but the trip was intended to see him and spend time with him and now he won’t even meet me. Is there anything I can do to save this? or just stop talking to him? we have so much in common and got along so well it was so easy! everything was effortless so I never saw this coming! I was so excited to meet him and see if the spark was there in real life and now I dont think ill even see him… im just crushed. Please help!

    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by  ANM Staff. Reason: new thread plz
    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by  ANM Staff.
    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by  ANM Staff.
    #773127 Reply

    Alex

    Anderson – I don’t feel like I can talk to my friends because they are all so anti-ex that they seem to take the “i told you this before when he done X, Y or Z”

    In truth he’s done things like lie about things and generally been a A-hole at the best of times. I don’t blame my friends for taking that approach. It must be super hard to witness their friend unable to let go of a guy & have to repeatedly tell them the same advice over and over.

    I know time will help. Just hurts. This website has really been helping me though. I read all the posts and its shocking to see how many others experience the same issues.

    Lane – I never thought of watching lots of comedies, I will try that!

    Thanks so much for all the help.

    #773136 Reply

    Newbie

    Alex, youre almost there. Take time to grieve but also take time to reflect on yourself why you put up with this for so long. Your gut and friends have been telling you all along this was not the right man to love. Like you said, there are so many similar stories here and to me it says that their love radar is off. There can be a few reasons for that like having an axious lifestyle or not being taught what a good relationship is or being afraid of being alone and settle. You get my drift.
    I saw a few responses on others posts where you mentioned chasing and the guy having the upper hand. Thats all game playing, superficial cliché stuff and wont lead you to the right guy for you. Use your time to be the best and positive and brightest version of you and dont mourn this guy for too long: you really dodget a bullet. The man for you will not come chasing like youre a bone, but is persistent and sincere in being a part of your life and making that clear. If you meet one of them, those are the keepers. Good luck to you

    #773148 Reply

    Alex

    Newbie – I defo know I have an anxious attachment style, possibly codependency too? I always stick with bad treatment, i’ve been this way for a long time. Really hard to change a pre-programmed behaviour. I am trying.

    I am at that constant sick feeling, can’t eat or sleep. I’m just ruminating all the time & I feel a bit lost. I know tie is the only thing thats going to help, its just painful.

    #773149 Reply

    Alex

    time*

    #773159 Reply

    Anderson

    What kind of things are you ruminating about?

    Time is not the _only_ thing that helps. There are many other things that can take the edge off but they vary based on each person.

    #773201 Reply

    anon

    “Newbie – I defo know I have an anxious attachment style, possibly codependency too? I always stick with bad treatment, i’ve been this way for a long time. Really hard to change a pre-programmed behaviour. I am trying.”

    I used to be this way, right after a bad break up, new on the dating scene and fully unaware of the “games”. I actually ended up shifting into an avoidant style over time to avoid hurt. I think a lot is giving yourself time to heal and bolstering your platonic friend group. What helped get me over the “anxious” thing has been a few guys who have really stuck around as friends, and it’s like, oh, people do stick around given space.

    But as for dating/relationships, I have had to take a giant step back. I only date casually now and only accept the best behavior for me on the part of the guy (communication consistency is huge, I avoid the men who love bomb, the men who complain about past drama). Anyhow, I have a few great guys that I see regularly and we all have our reasons for not wanting relationships, but being treated with respect has fixed that “anxious” feeling about guys.

    Otherwise, think of this as your time to shine and start following your own path. Take up hobbies, work on career, think through your dreams and what you want then to look like. Time away from being in a relationship is a gift, especially if you don’t have a clear direction, because you can set your path how YOU want it, and set yourself up to meet the right man down the road who fits that vision.

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