Help me out


This topic contains 18 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Lane 1 month ago.

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  • #769257 Reply

    Lee

    Ok so me and the woman I’ve been seeing met on tinder. We chatted for a week and then went on our first date. Then the following 2 weekends on Saturdays we went out again, hung out a couple other times in this period, everything going great. She then invited me the following weekend to go somewhere with her and her 2 kids, I also have a son that went as well. She then invited me over to her house pretty much the whole next week and while our kids played we would talk. She would say she don’t want her kids to know but would cuddle on the couch with me in front of them. Over the past couple of weeks at this point we were holding hands, cuddling and only peck kissing. We went out again and spent a couple 2 or 3 days hanging out the next week. When we first started talking and texting I was mainly initiating the text conversations, but at this point she had started initiating texts and calls and was really flirty. So at this point we are about 5 weeks into dating/seeing each other. Where we stood on relationships came up, so I haven’t dated in 6 years, my ex and I had separated 6 years ago and did not ever get the divorce as of yet and I was upfront with her from the beginning that I was still not divorced. So as we are talking she said that really bothers her and that we need to take it slow and that she does really like me and she said that we are obviously attracted to each other. I told her I am going to get it taken care of as soon as possible and she told me I can do it on my own time that she isn’t trying to make me do anything, but pretty much said that she just wants to date going forward basically until I get that done. Her ex husband cheated on her and that’s why their marriage ended so I can see why this is a issue. We even discussed and agreed on dating each other exclusively. The next night I went over and she cooked dinner for myself and her and we watched a few movies, everything going great. Over this time that we have been seeing each other I think we made out briefly like 1 time. So obviously we aren’t having sex or anything. But after this night it was like everything changed, she wasn’t initiating no texts or calls or flirting over text like she was before. But I will say that anytime I text her that she always reply’s, every time. We didn’t hang out all week until Friday, then we had dinner and went swimming. Everything went ok. I went to her kids soccer game this morning and then I asked her if she wanted to go have lunch with me and she said she was exhausted and was going to take a nap. I said ok, text me later. I was trying to make plans to do something later in the evening the previous day but nothing was ever made official and I decided not to text her the rest of the day cause I had sent her a text saying text me later. Does she not make out cause she doesn’t want to get too intimate, cause it might take it further than she wants to go right now?(I’m not worried about not having sex yet) Is she losing interest, why did she stop initiating texts and flirting? Am I thinking into this too much? Does she just really dislike the fact that I’m not divorced, but why was everything so great then just completely flipped around after we had our talk, she knew the whole time since our 1st or 2nd date I believe. The whole thing is just driving me crazy, maybe she has just been busy and I’m just thinking about it and her too much.

    #769272 Reply

    Raven

    Why are you not divorced?!

    #769275 Reply

    Lee

    I just hadn’t been worried about it I guess, but I also wasn’t dating the whole time until now either.

    #769278 Reply

    Raven

    No sane woman wants to be in a relationship with a still married man…

    Dragging your feet for 6+ years isn’t a good sign. What else do you procrastinate?

    #769282 Reply

    Lee

    I get that, but she knew the whole time and everything was fine until she brought up the conversation about what we are doing, then it just seemed like everything changed. And she did say that she would date me exclusively in the same conversation. You think that is just getting to her the more she thinks about it

    #769286 Reply

    Karen

    I think you need professional help and not an Internet forum about dating.

    #769287 Reply

    Lee

    it has nothing to do with me not wanting to divorce her to return to her, that ship sailed from the time we split 6 years ago. I don’t know why I haven’t got it taken care yet, just dumb, but am in the process now

    #769288 Reply

    Karen

    You are supposedly a grown man. All the questions you ask here you couldn’t discuss with her? You are still married and acting like a teenager. That’s why she lost interest. Women want real men who do what they say they will do.

    #769289 Reply

    Karen

    In the procecess? Well maybe once you complete the process you will find another woman who enacts to be with you. If you can’t even get that done why would another woman want to invest in you.

    #769290 Reply

    Foreign Sinderella

    You are a married man, making up excuses about not getting a divorce because in reality you don’t want a divorce, you want your cake and eat it too. But it doesn’t work that way. no serious woman wants to be with a married man.

    #769304 Reply

    Nathalie

    It could be that she feels she cant move forward with you because you’re not divorced yet. She’s not taking any more steps until she sees you actively going to court or whatever the process is and finalize it. And that’s a smart woman. Why invest in a man that is married to someone else. Where will it go? Ridiculous! But she obviously liked you a lot to bring you to her home with her kid there. And who knows maybe she came on this forum and told her story on here and the advice she got was to pull back from you until you finalize that divorce because you’re probably never going to. Also maybe she is following the steps of lots of dating advice coaches, on how to ensure that you go crazy for her and she stays on your mind so you get that freaking divorce done pronto. It’s all possible I’ve seen it.

    So if you really like this woman, hurry up and officially free yourself in the eyes of the law from this failed marriage. Let her know you’re not talking crap by truly eliminating any threat to your chances with her. There is nothing in your way but yourself.

    #769305 Reply

    L

    She wants to move slow but cuddles with you in front of her kids in the first few weeks? Priceless.

    #769865 Reply

    Alex

    I would never date a man that’s not divorced. Ever.

    Screams ‘I still like my ex’ or even ‘you can’t ever get committed to me because I’m with another woman’

    If you like her? Divorce the ex!

    Personally? I’d avoid a man like you at all costs because it’s so unflattering and off putting. When a relationship or marriage ends? You take the steps to end things, legally!

    #769866 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    It’s strange to me that within the 1st month of dating you brought your kids around each other and were cuddling in front of them, etc. That’s way too soon. The first months of dating should be about you two focusing on each other and building a strong foundation for a relationship before you bring your kids into it. I’m speaking as a divorced mom dating a divorced dad.

    It sounds like things moved too fast between you two. Maybe she got freaked out and that’s why she pulled away. The fact that you’re still married probably doesn’t help, as has already been mentioned.

    Also this is blunt, but the point of dating is to get to know a person to see if you’d like to build a relationship with them. Maybe after dating you a few weeks she decided you are not the man for her. It happens. She may have decided she does not see a future with you no matter how rosy the first few weeks were. This is why you don’t move too fast and get your kids involved in the early stages of dating. There’s too much uncertainty about where things are going.

    #769873 Reply

    HS

    I’m pretty sure you posted this a few weeks ago, because i responded to the exact same question then

    Unlike all other women here, I don’t think dating a seperated man is cheating, or an affair or anything like that. That relationship was severed 6 years ago. There is no more emotional attachment

    What would concern me more is why you haven’t gotten divorced. Are you still actively involved in her day to day life, chat often, see each other often, and you don’t really want to move on with your life? Hence not dating for 6 years?

    Or are you one of the majority of people i know who seperated emotionally, financially, legally, all aspects such as maintenance etc resolved, but simply never went through with it because of costs etc?

    #769875 Reply

    anon

    She’s not that into you. Period.

    My guess? She thinks you are a great guy (hence bringing you around her kids) but she feels no actual physical attraction to you, thus the dates with kids around to keep the intimacy low. She did try when she flirted to see if something could muster up and it did not. Now she is awkwardly trying to extract herself.

    Tinder dudes who will engage with your kids are few and far between. She knew she has a unicorn but just could not muster the attraction.

    #769920 Reply

    T from NY

    Time reveals just about every darn thing. Just concretely work on your divorce. With all the quiet this woman’s giving you take the time to figure out WHY you never finalized the divorce after this many years. Was it because you still were in love? Because it made you feel like a failure? (Not true but lots of guys feel that way) Because you have a psychological issue and not able to accept the reality of loss? Because she’s with someone else and you didn’t want to release control.WHAT?

    The woman you’re dating is smart. Sure maybe she was OK with this in the beginning. She wasn’t emotionally attached to you. Maybe she was watching to see if you were telling the truth and would work on the divorce. An uncontested divorce can be settled in a few weeks to a few months. And finished paperwork from you is at least a step in the proper direction. Maybe she was genuinely offended that you thought you could bring up being exclusive when you have serious unfinished business. Maybe someone “free” has started courting her.

    If you really care for her — I would suggest letting her know that you are excited about exploring a future with her. That you’ve booked an appointment with an attorney and will SHOW HER that you are moving forward on getting available to offer someone a committed relationship status. Only time will tell what’s going on with her. If y’all are meant to be you will be. But get your ducks lined up dude. It’s not a good look.

    #769942 Reply

    Alex

    Would you invest all your time & money into a council house? Would you rip up the floorboards to add under floor heating? Rip out the kitchen to put in a brand new one? convert the loft & make a new extension all with your own money on a rented property?

    Probably not no? Why? Because its not going to be your place.

    Same with a married man. No point investing fully – when he’s not up for buying.

    Divorce the ex!

    #769968 Reply

    Lane

    I’m not going to bash you because having worked in ‘unfamily law’ (what I call it), I understand why some men (and women) are hesitant to go through the divorce as it can get super nasty, and expensive when the emotions are still high, or a lot of ‘threats’ are made where the contention can last and go on for years. Some states actually mandate you cannot even start the process until after a year of separation, which in my opinion is good if there’s a lot of contention as it gives the parties a good ‘cooling off period’ and by then, emotions have calmed down, and in a better position to have most if not all, a bulk of the marital property has been divided to the point there isn’t much left for the courts to deal with.

    I also understand one isn’t even thinking about or have no desire to get married again, and if neither party is pushing it; there’s no property left to divide; where the only thing left is a piece of paper sitting in a records room, then what’s the rush, if there is no rush. I get it, so I’m not going to call you out but if you are now in a position where you are considering it, then its definitely time to clean it up and become ‘officially’ single again, even though you are in all intents and purposes, a single person.

    How long has this lady been divorced? It’s possible she’s not emotionally ready to make any type of commitment, is still feeling it out, and is now backing off because she’s not mentally ready to go there yet. It took me almost four years to get there after my divorce, where I *felt ready* but when it started to get or feel too real, I balked, and instinctively pulled away because I wasn’t ready. She could be going through this phase?

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