Help. Idk if its over or if we are broken up. My mental ilness effected him

Hi guys. In essence, it is more complicated than this but this is the main point. This is what I need help with. I’m sorry if this seems jumbled; I’ve hardly had sleep.

The other day my boyfriend and I had a very serious conversation. Covid has been rough on us, especially on me. I have a history of mental illness. I have recurring PTSD, depression, and anxiety. Along with the stresses of taking 18 credits in college and recently doing exams and papers, I have been an emotional wreck. In May, we also temporarily moved to Arizona for 4 months during the peak of Covid where we were stuck in the house together. My PTSD triggers were very high during this time frame. He has seen me suicidal, wanting to hurt myself, and I’ve even tried to break up multiple times. He was greatly affected by this amount of stress but he wanted to help and stay with me. I saw how it affected my relationship so I sought therapy again. I had to stop it recently because of the costs.

Recently, we were talking about our futures together. I’ve been doing okay (definitely better than Arizona). He, on the other hand, has been going through a stressful time with the demands of his job and preparing to take the Bar Exam early next year. Suddenly, as we were talking he brings up that he doesn’t know if I will be a good mother for his future children. He fears that I won’t fit in with the plans he has and thinks that his personal/financial responsibilities will be too much to handle along with being in a relationship with me. I’m 25, but because of years of sickness, I wasn’t able to finish college. I also plan on being an attorney but I won’t be finished with undergrad and law school until at least 5 more years. (He knew about my schooling and my mental illness before we got serious) He goes on to say he hasn’t seen improvement with me handling the “big things” in terms of my mental health and fears that by staying with me he will damage his mental health. We both agreed that I’ve been doing better with handling everyday things but I do go through ups and downs. He said he wants me to promise I’ll be better, but I just can’t do that knowing that dealing with mental illness is unpredictable. He has said he wants to break up but his actions say otherwise. He tells me that he loves me and texts me that he thinks about me. We had Christmas plans and said he will see me. But now it’s Christmas eve and he hasn’t confirmed plans or said anything.

We always talk about our futures together and how we will have the best time. We talk about children and look at future houses together, but this conversation leading to a possible breakup was so sudden and unexpected.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I should contact him or leave him alone. This will be the first time away from his family on the holidays, so I don’t want him to be by himself. Can someone please give me advice?