This topic contains 23 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Lesley 2 months, 2 weeks ago.
June 20, 2018 at 6:35 pm #708942
just told me that he doesn’t want a relationship anymore and has to break up with me ..we met 6 months ago and from day 1 we had the best connection in every way we made each other happy had so much fun every time we met ..to this day we have never argued over anything .. 7 weeks ago he had an accident and broke his leg meaning he will not be able to work for about 5 months 😲 this has caused him tremendous stress as he is self employed and therefore not earning money he is finding it so hard as he is a very independent person and now everything is difficult for him I have been there for him and helped him with everything also trying to get him to keep positive and reminding him that it’s only temporary and soon he will be back on his feet .. he’s never been much of a texter whereas I am so he says that i e been putting too much pressure on him texting as he feels accountable to me and he doesent want to be ..I’ve tried to reassure him he’s not and sorry if he felt that way anyway yesterday he told me he doesent want a relationship and said how good we are together he had tears in his eyes as he was telling me 😢 I’m going to try and give him some space as I do feel it’s all of the stress got on top of him ..what should I do I really don’t want to lose him because it’s true we are so good together too good to lose ..sorry for the long post hope somebody can advise me xJune 20, 2018 at 6:50 pm #708945
You sound smothering. You are acting like a mom and not a girlfriend. Did you not get a clue he was saying you text too much? And he doesn’t like to text that much? From what you described this wasnt the perfect relainship for him that it was for you. Maybe he didn’t want you helping him with everything. This sounds like really bad sitcom where the woman just glows on the guy , tries to take over, is way too much, and he is like… go aWay!,,June 20, 2018 at 6:52 pm #708946
Sorry to be harsh, but this man is over you. An you at least assess what you did to drive him away?June 20, 2018 at 6:53 pm #708947
At this point I wouldn’t do anything.
He broke up with you and wants to figure out stuff on his own, let him do so.
No more texting, calling, or offering to be there.
If he truly thinks you two are good together he needs to feel your absence. Maybe and I mean maybe then he will come around.
In the case that he does, proceed with extreme caution because people who break up with you when things get tough can be unreliable.June 20, 2018 at 8:11 pm #708963
I agree with Umm. It sounds like you overwhelmed him with texting, even knowing he didn’t enjoy it as much as you did. Khadija also gave good advice.June 20, 2018 at 8:20 pm #708965
Unfortunately it is EXTREMELY common for men to end relationships when they are under profound stress, depressed or feeling like they aren’t on top of their game. You have to remember that men’s main impulse in relationships is to feel like they make a woman happy, are respected, and can offer her something. When they feel like they can’t (either because of life circumstance, or because the woman makes them feel like all they do is make her unhappy/disappoint her, or a combo of the two) it is extremely common for them to run like hell, because they don’t want to feel like a failure. I know this doesn’t really help your situation in terms of fixing things, but maybe it will help you understand where he is coming from psychologically. Right now, you definitely need to back off and simply say “I’m sorry it turned out this way. I really care for you and want the best for you and if that means we aren’t together of course I accept your decision and will take the necessary steps to move on”. The reason this is a good response is because
1) It acknowledges that yes, you do have feelings for him but doesn’t beg or grovel
2) It shows him you have self respect and also that you respect his decision.
Then, you leave him alone. It is entirely possible he will miss you and come back when his life is more “together” feeling… but you have to assume that he won’t and start taking the steps to heal.
I have been in your situation (a very similar one anyway) and know how much it hurts. In my situation the guy did come back when he had gotten himself together…. but that doesn’t always happen. But I will tell you I did not try to convince him at all. I simply expressed that sure I was sad, but if that is what he needed, ok, and that I would move on. He missed me and returned. So it does happen. But I know it would never have happened if I had gotten into “convincing” mode.June 20, 2018 at 9:59 pm #708969
You already lost him. he told you he doesn’t want to be with you. You can’t change his mind. Let it go.June 21, 2018 at 2:10 am #708982
Thankyou that’s the best advice I did actually get a text from him last night just telling me that he had to go to hospital again his foot was infected ..I did reply and say hoped all was ok and hetecif he wants to chat didn’t mention our situation st all so now I’m going to leave it be although it’s hard I guess like you say if he decides he’s made a mistake he will be in touch ..June 21, 2018 at 7:58 am #708993
Lesly, the problem I see with this is that your going to fall back into the same pattern that led you to this break up. You need to seriously ask yourself if you handle being with a man who doesn’t like to communicate the way you do, nor wants a ‘mommy’ when he’s feeling sick or ill.
I remember when my husband got the flu and acted like a man-baby “can you get me some water”; “can you get me some soup”; “can you…” the first couple of times didn’t bother me but by the second day I was totally put me off because I never acted this way when I was sick! No I picked my butt up and handled it like a grown adult. What I’m trying to say is that its OK to do something if they specifically ASK but don’t go beyond that, you can make an offer such as “if you need something ask” but if they don’t ask then you don’t do it and leave them alone.
I don’t think your a good fit honestly as the same issues that led to the break up will re-appear and manifest in different ways which is why ‘do-overs’ have an abysmal success rate (less than 20%). Something to ponder.June 21, 2018 at 8:32 am #708995
Thankyou for your advice .i think we had been a very good match to be honest so did he ..then he had the accident ..I think I have to take responsibility for part of it in that I tried to overcompensate for him not being able to anything ..I thought I was supporting him and doing a good thing ..turns out I just did too much ..😕June 25, 2018 at 3:39 pm #709644
He’s been back in touch said that he wanted to explain and said that he did feel pressure but it wasn’t in a bad way he just felt overwhelmed that I was doing so much for him and he felt he should be able to cope on his own we are going to try and get back on track but take it slowly I’m feeling positive again nowJune 25, 2018 at 5:12 pm #709671
Hi Lesley-yes situations like this are trick-especially as 6 months is not that long a history when a crisis arises. If you two are a good match in his mind,this stands a chance-the fact that he is checking in with you,keeping some contact is good.
Men want to be able to be healthy and whole and “look after his lady”. This is likely why he pulled back,as he felt bad about his situation and what he can offer at the moment. If you had been together longer before he was hurt,this may not have been an issue and your caretaking may not have been “too much”.
Going forward,let him lead and make suggestions to get together etc. When you see him,don’t jump to help him,give him time to do things himself and if he is struggling-then ask.
My boyfriend has lots of health issues.I know him well enough to know when to help and when to back off. I hope this works out-good luck.June 26, 2018 at 2:44 am #709744
Thanks Peggy I think it’s going to be ok feeling much more positive now 😊July 5, 2018 at 6:31 am #711351
Update so it’s been a couple of weeks now and he’s contacted me quite regularly we did have a good chat and he expressed that he did feel pressured by me checking in with him each day as he has lots of other stresses right now with not working still and financially struggling etc ..he says that we are so good together and he loves me but he just needs to be on his own whilst he’s struggling with the other stuff ..he said he might feel differently soon but right now he doesent feel he can be with meJuly 5, 2018 at 6:34 am #711352
Do you think there’s still a chance we will get through this??July 5, 2018 at 9:02 am #711363
Even if you do your going to fall right back into your overly smothering self and he’ll pull out again—wash, rinse, repeat. He’s feeding you crumbs and you lap them up like your starving. We call these types ‘doormats’ as they end up getting walked all over.
Do over’s have an abysmal success rate (less than 20%) because the core issues are never resolved and end up breaking up again for the same reasons. He’s bored, not able to date, having a financial setback, and reaching out to you because right now your probably the only one who’s responding to him. Your ‘nightengale’ personality is going to be your downfall when he gets healthy, back on his feet and able to date again.July 5, 2018 at 9:33 am #711366
You certainly don’t mince your words do you Lane? I’ve read lots of your posts and you do give some great advice but have to point out to you that I’m a mature woman also not a child not Florence nightingale either!! You don’t know me or him and he’s loads of friends who I’m sure he can chat too all day and night I haven’t seen him in almost a fortnight I’ve not been helping him with anything so ..wonder if you ever think you’re impression of me is unjustified and unfairJuly 5, 2018 at 9:42 am #711368
I call it like I see it based on your ORIGINAL POST. Your still here trying to keep this man who broke up with up because you smothered/over nursed/mommied him when he injured himself and is now keeping you on a string. Its called ‘e-tethering’. I call it like I see it, you know that.July 5, 2018 at 10:16 am #711379
Hi-Now that he has continued to distance himself and outright told you he can not be with you now-I do not see hope of things working out,even down the road. I thought before that they might,but the new info says not.
Lesley,he said ,as he was bowing out,that he loves you. A man truly in love,would,maybe after taking a couple days to deal with his problems,turn TO you and not away. He would want to go through things with you beside him as a support. I am sorry but you need to accept that things are over. Don’t drive yourself crazy with woulda,shoulda,coulda-heal up and use what you have learned to pace yourself and your over giving in a more measured way next time. Good luck.July 5, 2018 at 10:31 am #711386
Ok Peggy thanks and then why do you think he’s calling and texting me every couple of days if he doesent want me in his life anymore?July 5, 2018 at 11:01 am #711394
Lesley, he told you he can’t be with you right now, this is very clear unfortunately. But like so many men these days, he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Texting you and getting your attention when HE wants it makes it easier for him. He doesn’t have to miss you, you are always there, while he can do whatever he wants.
If a man has no balls to behave decisively, you need to grow a pair. Tell him that you respect his decision, and since this is HIS decision, then you’d like him to stick with it and do not contact you, so that you can mourn, heal, and move on.
If he changes his mind, do not make it easy on him. He was very quick to discard you, let him understand the consequences of this. People in general, but men especially, are very good at taking things for granted. They throw away good things thinking there will be BETTER things later on. If they discover that the “better” did not happen, they go back to you and expect you to welcome them back with no repercussions. Why not indeed? LOL
Protect your dignity and self worth. He can’t be with you, then why contact you really? Toying with oyu feelings, expecting you to beg? to top toe around him hoping for him to change his mind? To feel good about himself, as everything is on his terms? Nah..you can do better. Good luck.July 5, 2018 at 12:57 pm #711434
Hi-he texts to feel like a good guy,because he feels guilty maybe. Look at what he is not doing,in this case,rather than what he does. He is not asking to get back together,saying he misses you and asking you out to plan the future etc. So listen to what he is not saying or doing.
If the texts are keeping you hooked or hopeful,either block him or send him this-“By your choice,we are no longer in a relationship I wish you well,but please do not contact me again”. I sent this to a guy that yanked my chain and broke my heart and then kept texting random stuff that meant nothing but hurt because I knew I had to forget him. He texted back “OUCH” and “so be it”. I never heard from him again.
FYI,I let this guy come back once before that,thinking he now knew what he wanted-he didn’t.July 5, 2018 at 1:59 pm #711453
Let him figure out his stuff and worry about yourself.
I know it isn’t easy but, he has been very clear about the status of this relationship. Don’t get into the mindset of waiting around.
It may in fact be a very long time before things get better for him.
Since you’ve been there for him to lean on, I believe that’s why he contacted you.
Give this some distance and don’t be one phone call away. As I said before if this has a chance in the future he needs to miss your presence.July 5, 2018 at 2:56 pm #711470
Thanks Peggy & Khadija I think you guys are finally getting through to me! Hallelujah 😊