This topic contains 4 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Anderson 11 months, 1 week ago.
September 10, 2019 at 9:43 am #769638
I suffered from a toxic and really abusive relationship and it has been 1.5 since the breakup and this is the 6th month of complete no-contact wherein he has tried to contact me three times in subtle ways. I have not responded on any occasion. I am 24 years of age. My relationship with this guy lasted about a year. I am done with the moving on part but I am still not done with the negativity, PTSD and other things that have come with the breakup. I am on medication and therapy on and off and I am making small recovery. It would be nice if you ladies could share some of your own survival and healing mantras with me.September 10, 2019 at 10:12 am #769642
Im aware this may sound incredible insensitive but for me not getting into victim mode but in survivor mode works best. You got out and that makes you a survivor. The worst is already behind you. Its good though you still in therapy because the soul also needs help sometimes and some care.
Also focus on doing things that make you happy helps a lot. And avoid stress and try to recognize the triggers that cause stress. I also had some sort of ptss but caused by totally different events (house on fire and heavy surgery right after that) and only the sirens of a firetruck or the ring of a doorbell would made me flip out and it probably took me over 3 years to become totally stressfree. So acknowledge what happened but dont dwell on the past is my best advice. And toxic gets put where it needs to be: in the garbage bin outsideSeptember 10, 2019 at 10:19 am #769644
This is what I did after ending my 20 year marriage to an alcoholic:
1) Vented through writing. I poured my heart out on paper, wrote everything I was feeling down when I was going through a rough patch. This lasted about two months. When I was done, had nothing more to vent (say), I printed it out, burned it, and watched it turn to ash. I left a copy a file folder and tucked away (out of sight, out of mind). I came across it a year or so later as I was cleaning things out for a move, and I didn’t recognize that woman!
2) During my venting time I started packing my calendar with FUN things to do. I took an inventory of the things I used to love to do prior to my marriage, and started my journey of creating new adventures. I joined a co-ed softball league, joined meetup.com (a life saver); hit the gym (great for endorphin release); and meeting ‘single’ people who enjoyed the same type of activities and hobbies I did, and eventually became friends.
3) I looked up quotes that had to do with strength, power, resiliency, etc. and put them on my bathroom mirror. I read one until I believed it, then replaced it with another until I believed it, then another until I felt fully empowered and at peace with myself and my single life.
4) I also bought a bunch of self-help books, such as “Co-dependent No More…” by Melody Beatty (another life saver). I also bought books those that had to do with the Seven stages of divorce (works for breakups too (may have a book on that?) as it helped me gauge how far I had come as I surpassed each stage; including books that dealt with courage, empowerment, setting strong boundaries, etc. I devoured them when my mind started to stray, and by doing so, learned how to re-focus my mind on the positives v. negatives.
5) I also bought a bunch of 5000 piece puzzles, watched a lot of comedy (great for laughter), and things like cooking a new and different meal, decorating, etc. that would keep my mind off him when the weather sucked or had too much time on my hands during the holidays (three day weekends), which I preferred solitude.
Hope this helps!September 10, 2019 at 10:24 am #769646
Better off single
Every morning I wake up and tell myself I will get better not bitter.
Everyday I do one thing to compliment another person, help a person out, or listen to someone who is going through a hard time.
I have one friend who loves hugs and everytime I see my friend, I make sure I get a hug. Research shows that hugging is extremely effective at healing sickness, disease, loneliness, depression, anxiety and stress. Holding a hug for an extended time lifts one’s serotonin levels, elevating mood and creating happiness because you feel like you matter. I get high on hugs.
Everyday I do something different while spending time alone just to help clear my mind of negativity. If I feel something negative I write it out just to be free from it then read back on it and see how dramatic and rediculous my thoughts really are. I focus on the good things I have going for me. I will find the tinest thing to be proud of and make a big deal out of it. I’ll take a road trip. I will go to the gym. I will attempt to poorly skate on my skateboard. I’ll paint. I will wake up early just to watch the sun rise from the patio. I Listen to positive encouraging music. I love listening to TobyMac when I am feeling down. I will go be with my best friends and binge on Netflixs and popcorn. I take many moments to just breathe so I’m not so stressed out by the pressure of others and by my own pressure to be better.
The only way I have managed to overcome the PTSD is put myself though a similar situation (like a simulation or roleplay) to overcome fear is to face it. You just have to be willing to risk it. Therapy is probably a better idea. I am personally against medication because it has bad side effects and can make symptoms worse or keep you stuck because your brain is numb. If I’m numbing my brain I will smoke pot and have a side effect of a stomach ache from a bad case of the munchies.
The past is the past. Even though you are not quite where you want to be, thank God you are not where you were yesterday.September 11, 2019 at 8:14 am #769798
Some really nice tips and advice here. I agree with BoS and am against medication as well. Any kind of physical exercise, even yoga, will have the same anti-depressive effects but with no side effects.
The method that will work best on you depends on who you are. Think about some questions. What were you like before the relationship? What are some of your values? Things that give you drive in life? What are some things you’re looking forward to? It’s difficult to answer these after a breakup but they’re still important. These are to answer to your own self but feel free to answer here if it helps!
Have you been practicing mindfulness in therapy? Be very honest about how you feel about various things and in various situations. Listen to yourself as much as you can, but without judgement. The key to true healing lies in there, at least it did for me.
Things that actually worked for me, and that I’ll mention if even one thing clicks with you: meeting and talking to genuinely good people helped me a ton. I’m an ambivert though more on the introvert side, but talking to people in person helped tons. Talking to, observing, or being around women with characters that I could respect and secretly admired, helped a lot. The rational side of my brain knew great women existed, but the emotional side needed to see it for myself.
Ironically, focusing on healing was actually preventing me from healing. It’s like if you told yourself DONT THINK ABOUT BLUEBERRIES. You’re essentially thinking about them. It’s hard to explain but I had to stop trying to move on and heal so bad, but instead rekindle the flame to various drives and goals in my life, no matter how small. And this one might be a male one: But I had so much support from everyone. Family, friends, online friends etc But it wasnt until this acquaintance guy actually insulted me. It wasn’t tough love, he didnt know anything about the break-up. He was a proper crapbag. But his words gave me a bit of a kick. Like tossing a gallon of fuel on ego/arrogance/pride that was a low flame. Maybe just because it was something different? Maybe I’d already done most of the healing. Or maybe because I’d forgotten that all my life I’ve been more strongly influenced by anti-role models, instead of role models. If I was playing anything as a young adult, and an opponent made some childish trash talk, it spurred me on and made me play at my best. And this is why I said what will work best depends on who you are. Best wishes <3