He wants to take it slow


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This topic contains 37 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Courtney 1 month ago.

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  • #757583 Reply

    Courtney Caulder

    I’ve been seeing this guy for 3 months we do work together and we did hit it off, but upon entering the relationship he informed me he wants to take things slow, so besides work which is a low stress job which also works less hours than me. We only have couple time every Tuesday night which ok cool hes busy trying to mend his relationship with family (mostly the story there is they gave him up because it wasnt their time but now they reconnected which honestly seems the one parent just sees him as a cash cow) and hes got his cars he works on and such. But texting is I’ll text and sometimes hours later he responds, sometimes it’s less other times it’s all day. Calling on the phone was fast at first so we only have talked on the phone 2 times. We have already had sex but the thing is its emotionally that’s what he wants to go slow with. We can talk about relationship related topics and talk about alot of things really. But him opening up about certain things is difficult. And with little communication when not around each other and having couple time once a week for a few hours is not at all going to really build a bond. I have had my down falls as well with relationships so I understand but I would like for him to give me a fighting chance so he can lean on me a little bit. But I really think he has abandonment and emotional vulnerability problems. I may self dont want to rush either bit I just dont feel like we will have a fighting chance. He says hes ready for a relationship just needs time. This is confusing for me. I can explain more in depth if needed but I’m really wondering if there is a to slow.

    #757590 Reply

    Alvi

    Not to be mean, but it sounds like he sees you as a casual hook up and not much more. Its one thing to have trouble opening up in a relationship…but honestly it doesn’t sound like there is much of a relationship?!

    #757591 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    So you’re saying he wants to “take it slow” emotionally but not physically? He wants to have sex but not get emotionally close?

    I agree with the previous poster that it sounds more like a casual hookup than anything.

    When you have “couple time” on Tuesdays, does he take you out on dates? Or do you just hook up?

    #757593 Reply

    Omg

    Typical woman making psychological excuses for why a man won’t commit to her. He isn’t going to honey. You are a weekly booty call.

    #757602 Reply

    Courtney Caulder

    Yeah I can agree, its not everytime we do see each other that we have sex. We do watch movies or just talk and goof around. And we have gone out once to the movies and than it to the lake. But that’s really about it. We are both the stay in type. Hes asked me to the movies recently but I had something family related going on. So we were to reschedule. But haven’t yet. He has done little things like bring me snacks like home grown peaches and a meat bun and my favorite meat stick lol.

    #757603 Reply

    Alvi

    Unless you are teenagers ( which i guess you are not) then yeah i think he sees you as someone he sees casually! Him saying he is ready for a relationship is not backed up by anything he does.
    ( him bringing you snacks is just a friendly gesture, i would interpret too much into).
    I think the both if you might have to make clear what you want from each other, bc u dont see your intentions matching up.

    #757604 Reply

    Alvi

    Unless you are teenagers ( which i guess you are not) then yeah i think he sees you as someone he sees casually! Him saying he is ready for a relationship is not backed up by anything he does.
    ( him bringing you snacks is just a friendly gesture, i would interpret too much into).
    I think the both if you might have to make clear what you want from each other, bc u dont see your intentions matching up.

    #757606 Reply

    Courtney Caulder

    It does kinda seem that way and I wondered if it was just a casual myself, but it’s really hard to tell cause he is there but he isnt. I’ve had casual and I’ve had full blown were together for years. This is something that has a mix of the two that it really can go both ways I’ve brought it up to him asking if this was just casual and he seemed offended and he told me that he wants a relationship with me and he cares about me alot he just wants to go slow. He says hes use to doing alot alone and also doesnt know how to lean on people which I think is linked to failed relationships and him being given up for adoption.

    #757607 Reply

    Courtney Caulder

    We have talked about what it is we want from each other and we do line up we both want to have a serious relationship with each other and both want the marriage and family. And we can both talk about what we want to do together in future activities like travel together. There is the talk of togetherness more than the “I” talk.

    #757609 Reply

    Alvi

    Fair enough on his part. He seems like a bit of a loner maybe? Someone who doesn’t do dating and relationships much?I dont get the impression he is being dishonest with you btw i just think his definition of casual vs. relationship might just be different. Different strokes for different folks. Ultimately its down to you and if you are comfortable with the slow pace ( im guessing not). He might have gotten offended when you ask him but he needs to understand that if he wants to take it slow on the emotional side yet have a full blown sexual relationship anyone would feel they are just a hookup/FWB etc.

    #757610 Reply

    Courtney Caulder

    I dont mind slow pace but I feel like there may be a fact of to slow, cause we know people can move way to fast but never hear much about to slow. I am giving the benefit of the doubt and seeing, I am weighing everything and just trying to enjoy the moment cause they are good. I think what it is that gets me is just the uncertainty. Because there is a risk of it going stagnant.

    #757611 Reply

    Courtney Caulder

    I can give him credit when I mentioned if it was casual or not he did tell me it’s perfectly ok to not have sexual relations till I felt it was ok and i felt secure.

    #757616 Reply

    L

    Funny how he can go slow emotionally, but didn’t mind jumping into bed with you.

    #757619 Reply

    T from NY

    A man you see once a week is not your boyfriend and is not in a serious relationship with you (unless he is military deployed or lives far away). I’m sorry. No amount of fresh peaches or snacks or sweet conversations can change the fact that he A)chooses to only invest ONE day out of 7 to spend time with you, B) does not take you on real dates, C) refuses to call you his girlfriend, integrate you into his life and introduce you to family and friends.

    I am by no means calling him a bad guy. He sounds sweet. He also sounds NOT interested in having a relationship OR not interested in having a relationship with YOU. Of course he may have some issues about trust or whatever else he might be struggling with — but don’t you want someone on the same level? Who’s ready and willing to enjoy being together as much as you are?

    I see you being open to love. I see him being disinterested or afraid of it. I would not judge you for ending it today OR letting him know you need to see some progression on his part to feel he is investing in you and wants to grow your relationship. Then I would drop the subject – giving him 4-6 more weeks — and see if he steps up. Though I would not abide a one-day-a-week boyfriend.

    Figure out what your needs are. But MOST IMPORTANT – be prepared to walk away when they are not being met.

    #757623 Reply

    Courtney Caulder

    Well I can say he does call me his girlfriend we do see each other everyday but that’s at work, sadly couple time is on a Tuesday. But I can see where you are getting at T. I just really dont know how to bring up the please be more progressive to him. It’s always easier to break up and I am prepared to walk if I need to. How would you even go about saying hey yeah give me more time with out sounding pushy?

    #757625 Reply

    Better off single

    Do you have to instantly know everything about him? Why not let it unfold like a mystery or bloom like a flower?

    Take it easy.

    #757626 Reply

    Better off single

    You dont have to make snap decisions when getting to know someone.

    If you dont plan on seeing anyone else or do not have other options let it play out -focus on you when you’re not hearing from him. Focus on your job, going for a walk or to the gym, write, draw, paint, go to a museum, hang out with friends, play COD and kill zombies (kills lots of time) find something else to do instead of worrying about where this is progressing. It will make you more attractive.

    #757627 Reply

    Courtney Caulder

    No I dont want to know everything instantly,I am letting it be the mystery I dont push him to tell me his secrets. I think where I push the most is to have a little more time. And maybe a better equal understanding. I understand where he may be coming from but I dont think I’m conveying well enough where I’m coming from. I want more than just a Tuesday I’d be ok with 1 day a week if we had more conversation thru the week. Trying to find that balance for us both where he feels comfortable and I feel comfortable is hard with little person contact.

    #757628 Reply

    Courtney Caulder

    Oh I paint every weekend my favorite hobby, my job luckily is Monday thru Friday so I’m good there. It does make it easier to deal with everything since we do see each other at work. It’s the weekends that get hard. I busy myself I admit it helps. But doesnt fix it.

    #757629 Reply

    Omg

    He won’t see you on the weekend, just a few hours on tuesdays. He has someone else he is seeing full time. That’s why you only see him at work and a few hours during the week. You aren’t his girlfriend.

    #757633 Reply

    Raven

    Do not date people you work with!

    #757638 Reply

    Sarah

    So his words say “I want to take it slow and build a bond”
    His actions say “I will see you a couple of hours one night a week”

    He seems to be telling you more with his actions, than words. Words are cheap. Words? Mean nothing. I could tell you right now I love you & I want to marry you – but, it means ZERO. Listen to the actions, they tell you so much more.

    From my viewpoint? You cannot build a bond from a two hour weekly meeting. This is not taking this slow. This is casual sex & a man who really, isn’t that keen.

    Also – You seem to want more. Seems you are anxiously attached. He appears to be very distant and cold and aloof with you – perhaps he has an avoidant attachment style.

    Either way – this currently isn’t working & I hate to say this, but this is the start of a relationship which is the HONEYMOON phase. Can you imagine if this is the best times, can you imagine what’s to come?

    I’d personally leave and find someone who see’s my value rather than be used for a casual thing. It sounds like you need more than he can give. You can’t change a man neither. Think about how hard it is to change yourself, then you will realise how impossible it is to change another. Live and let live – consider if you want to be in this current situation and if not? leave.

    #757642 Reply

    T from NY

    See this is where you have it backward. It’s not pushy to ask a man for what you need. If it was 3 weeks in and you all had not had the “what are we?” talk – THAT would be pushy and stupid. But you say it’s been months and he calls you his girlfriend. I agree what someone else said — those are just words. You don’t ever have to be the cool, chill girl.

    Let him know you want to talk about something important to you. It’s best to do it in person. He should not be hungry, stressed, distracted or tired. And then you just SAY IT. Say – I’ve been thinking about some things I would need to be happy. For me to feel like I’m part of a couple I want to spend one weekend night together, and maybe get together another weekday too. Think about if this is something you are interested in. If you’re not I’ll have to think about if I can be happy with this amount of contact or if we should just open things up and begin to see others.

    Then sit and be quiet and LISTEN. If you really are prepared to walk- it won’t matter if he balks at this or makes excuses. If you say all this calmly, without being crazy over the top emotional – he will respect that you were forthright and let you know what he can do. If he hems and haws — you have your answer. Be brave.

    #757680 Reply

    Dangerouse

    Why only Tuesday? Says who? What if you suggested on Sunday that Monday after work we try that new pizza place? What would he say?

    Does he call the shots?

    #757690 Reply

    Courtney

    Yeah this is a first coworker Ove had any interest in I said meh give it a try, Tuesdays he comes over about 7 o clock when I get off cause I close at 6, and dont get home till about 6:30 he stays and hangs out till about 1 am during that time we talk and watch a movie sometimes we have sex. Ive asked if he would like to stay the night but so far he hasn’t I hes come over on the fourth of july and he met what all family I have here he was either gonna spend it with his sister or me but he decided to come and spend it with me, and mine. Any time we are together the actions of he cares is there at least that’s how I see it. Because him and I are about non sexual contact so hands touching, a peck, if I say I like something hes does it of I dont he wont. It’s not ready wanting him to change if I just like more communication or a little more time. My problem is the fact that I’m being walking gingerly with this because I want to be sure too. But cant know for sure of anything. At this rate and my fear is things being complacent and not going anywhere. I do care about him, care about any one on my life. Do I love him no. But by being prepared to walk I am but do I want to no. Is it gonna hurt yes. But I do not plan to walk immediately because I do give people the benefit of the doubt it’s my down fall.

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