This topic contains 46 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by WHY 3 months, 4 weeks ago.
March 14, 2018 at 11:23 am #692992
I have been casually dating a guy (no exclusivity talk) for nearly 9 months. Last week he took me on a work-related trip to an amazing island. When we returned he had to leave immediately next day for a guys/bach weekend trip. He has not contacted me for 5 days. Starting today will be day 6.
Red flag? No longer interested?
March 14, 2018 at 11:26 am #692993
Side note: We never text or contact every day, usually he reaches out a few times a week, maybe every few days (3 days)March 14, 2018 at 11:33 am #692994
Perhaps since you are casually dating he sees no reason to be in contact until he returns.
Are you okay with this arrangement?March 14, 2018 at 1:51 pm #693030
Send him a text and ask him how is trip was?March 14, 2018 at 1:54 pm #693032
Most probably he felt that the two of you were too coupley during this vacation and has now retreated to not give you the impression that you two are anything other than casual.
9 months is a long time to be dating without any kind of exclusivity. You haven’t mentioned here what you want out of this but if commitment and exclusivity is what you want, I don’t think you are going to find it with this man.March 14, 2018 at 2:54 pm #693041
I agree with Pearl– 9 months and it’s still no committment/casual? Well then, he can contact you when he pleases, right?
The fact that you are concerned about this leads me to believe you are unhappy with the arrangements.
Personally, if he wants to keep it casual, he probably shouldn’t have taken you on that trip. Taking vacations together is something either couples do, or friends (who aren’t sleeping together) do. FWB or hook ups taking vacations together will always lead the woman to thinking it’s more than it is.
If he considers himself single/not your BF, I’m guessing he thinks he should just be able to have this wild bachelor party trip without reporting back to you.March 14, 2018 at 8:56 pm #693088
I agree in that at 9 months you should KNOW where you stand. Did he ever tell you he ‘doesn’t want a relationship”, or your friends” or anything along those lines? Men will tell you where you stand if you listen to their words very carefully.
I’ve gone on a trip with my FWB but we clearly knew where we stood, until he flipped the script but I didn’t love him that way so I had to end it. My current BF and I had a fling and KNEW it was just a fling but nine months later he pursued me for a relationship…we’ve been together over 1.5 years now.
I asked him the second time point plank what his intentions were, what changed from the first time and what he truly wanted and it was to be with me. It took me a few months to make sure he meant what he said before I could let my guard down and fall in love with him. All I’m saying is that if you aren’t standing together, then your standing alone—I would want to know where I stand.
he’s either in or out, if its out then at least you can stop wasting your time going nowhere if you truly want a partner to share your life with.March 14, 2018 at 9:14 pm #693089
He never said he didn’t want a relationship. We’re both guilty of taking the passive role & not talking about it, I guess. I’ve also never approached this thought until know, because when I first met him, I was out of a serious relationship. It amazes me how he is still single because he is one solid guy.
I can imagine all will laugh when I state that I am traditional, but I am one that generally leans back & lets the man lead. So far I have been okay with the situation and where we’re at. Maybe the trip has me wondering, just a bit odd I have not heard. I often wonder if he’s waiting for me to initiate or reach out?March 14, 2018 at 9:44 pm #693090
Why would you think he is waiting for you to reach out? He’s on a bachelor party trip. He’s going to be focused on that, not thinking about why you haven’t texted him.
I wouldn’t reach out if I were you. But when he gets back seems to me you need to talk about expectations/where you guys are at.
Even the most passive man will let a woman know where his heart is.March 14, 2018 at 9:45 pm #693091
If you’ve been sleeping with him without a committment, no exclusiviity, for 9 months, what incentive does he have to take this to next level?
There’s letting a man lead and letting yourself be taken advantage of.
Are you seeing other men?March 15, 2018 at 11:06 am #693131
Reach out to him, then have the “where is this going” text.
A LOT of men are more passive and scared than you think about being turned down or rejected. It’s honestly a myth that a man will chase a woman he loves. Some men will, some won’t.
My ex? He was afraid to take a lead. That relationship lasted 20 years. If it was off-putting to him that I initiated, he hid it for 20 years. His new girlfriend pursued him….
My LDR? Was afraid to kiss his first wife. Stayed in friendzone until she finally kissed him. They ended up married and had she not taken the move? Never would have happened.
Met a guy online, we went on a date, he never texted me back. Sees my profile a year later, asks me for a second chance? He thought since I never texted him back, I wasn’t into him. I never actually got his after the date text.
There are a lot of reasons to initiate texting – this is one. Text the guy, keep it casual. Then have a call or talk in person about the future.March 15, 2018 at 1:03 pm #693134
The bottom line is, no matter how long you’ve been dating or how great the vacation was, he’s not your boyfriend.
Sooner or later he will contact you because no matter what he’s thinking right now he will want to know why you didn’t go fussing about him. Just keep your cool and when he does contact you, I suggest you make it clear about what you do and don’t want. If you’re not on the same page, you move on.March 15, 2018 at 1:37 pm #693140
When is he back from the guys trip?March 15, 2018 at 1:59 pm #693146
Please don’t text him “where is this going”! It’s a conversation to be had in person for one thing, and secondly, he’s on a boy’s trip and hasn’t contacted you at all!
As you said, you’re casual and he’s single. He just probably doesn’t feel the need to keep in touch. Just send him a text and ask if he’s having fun.
If you want more than casual, tell him when he comes back.March 15, 2018 at 2:10 pm #693148
@Ali I agree with some of what you are saying. I do not feel taken advantage of as you mentioned because at my 32, & after years of LTR’s that did not pan out, I am much more in a “don’t put all your eggs in one basket” type of approach, so yes, I am going on dates, with other men. Unlike my younger years, I am not just going to have a “boyfriend” for two years and move on. I know if it gets to that level of commitment, given my age, it will lead to marriage.
@Anon—I do think he is passive but mainly because he is used to girls falling all over him hence another reason why I have taken this approach. Plus he has taken the primary role as the initiator, so quite honestly, if it was just casual, why would he stick around this long?
@Pearl I also agree with not reaching out. He got back early Monday AM. So I gave him six days space.
I have kept my cool throughout dating him without being passive while still being vocal on my thoughts/opinions on things. I did send him a simple one line text asking how the trip was, he replied right away with 4 paragraphs of texts unwinding from back to back trips.
Overall, I know it is obvious a conversation needs to happen, but quite honestly, it’s not killing me to know. I like him a lot, care for him & see long term potential so it’s more not wasting my time further if he’s a forever bachelor.
The odd thing is , he seems to be more stoic, more actions than words & often I wish he would say things flat out rather than keep me guessing. For example, during our trip, he referred to himself as my boyfriend in a sentence (“Just tell the concierge your boyfriend told you…”) ?
But then more often then not, he seems closed off emotionally.March 15, 2018 at 2:33 pm #693152
He has no incentive to take things further. He has all the perks of a gf and no responsibility for actually being a bf. Men can do this for years, and then up and leave you one day when the right woman comes along. If this man knows you still date other men? He obviously isn’t concerned about losing you. Because no man who sees a future with you would take the chance of losing you to someone else. Especially after all this time. This is a waste if you want marriage and a family. And obviously you do care and it isn’t working if you have to ask a forumwhy he hasn’t been in touch with you. He doesn’t need to. He knows you aren’t going anywhere.March 15, 2018 at 2:34 pm #693153
So he did respond after the trip and gave you a long answer.
Also, on my earlier response, don’t text about “where this is going”, I meant have that conversation soon if you want to. Don’t ever text anything important LOL….
You seem very confident and happy, like you could bring up the “where is this going” without it going sideways if you were concerned.March 15, 2018 at 2:39 pm #693154
I agree with Jan– does this man know you are still dating other guys? If he was in love with you that would absolutely KILL HIM!!
I don’t think the feelings are really there on his end, and if they aren’t, after 9 months, I don’t see that they are spontaneously going to emerge.
When he referred to himself as your BF, that was your opportunity to bring this up.March 15, 2018 at 2:40 pm #693156
@Jan He does not know I am dating any other men, it’s never came up :)
@anon thank you!March 15, 2018 at 2:41 pm #693157
Than you aren’t in a very honest relationship. I’m sure he dates others too. You are in a fwb.March 15, 2018 at 2:44 pm #693158
@Ali Thanks for the response, appreciate it as well. He does not know since I have not mentioned, but then again, he has never asked. We both know we are not intimate with others. With referencing the BF…was it though? Or was it intentional or non intentional? We were trying to sneak past late check out so he could have just dropped boyfriend without meaning anything?March 15, 2018 at 2:44 pm #693159
I had a friend who did something similar. Her rationale was if she played the cool girl, he would eventually come around. He didn’t. In fact when she finally asked the what are we question and where 5is might be going, his response was this was all he was willing to offer. So depends on you own goals. I agree with what someone else posted. It’s one thing to let a man lead. It’s another to lead you on.March 15, 2018 at 2:45 pm #693160
Wait, are you sleeping with others too and you haven’t told him??
I am so confused by these kinds of relationships– that is just strange to me that you guys have never had this conversation, after 9 months.
I wonder what would happen if you said to him “hey, you know, since we’ve never talked committment, I assume it’s ok with you if I go out on a date next weekend”.March 15, 2018 at 2:48 pm #693161
Ok– just saw you aren’t sleeping with others. But then why are you dating– ? What will you do if you have a few dates with someone you are really attracted to?
Him dropping the BF terminology could have been a joke, could have been his way of saying that’s how he thinks of you, could be anything.
But right now you don’t know! Have the conversation! Either you’ll find out you are on the same page or not– but after 9 months it’s time.March 15, 2018 at 2:58 pm #693162
It is all very confusing. Why not just ask him? Openly? It really is that simple… (And you say that you’re not having this conversation, because ‘it’s not killing you to know’, yet you are posting here about this.) He surely knows better than we do! You sound confident and calm which is great and that also means that you can easily ask him – coming from such a good state of mind this conversation can be natural and light and who knows, maybe it is all that you need to take a relationship one step further.