He thinks I’m racist so I want to end things, Advice please!


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This topic contains 34 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Tammy 4 days, 6 hours ago.

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  • #935316 Reply

    Sarah

    I (26F) have been talking to this guy (23M) for a while now.
    We have very deep conversations, sometime we disagree on things but we always respect each other’s opinions.
    He is white and I’m black and he asked me before if I think white women should wear braids and I told him I think they can but it can be weird, he said I was being racist and conservative. I laughed it off and today again he asked this same thing about white women or men having dread locs and I told him I don’t think it always looks good and that Rastas have a very deep and spiritual meaning to their locs, it not just for aesthetics and I explained to him the history of Rastas.
    He asked again about braids and I told him it’s cool and nice but I still think there is a limit to white women getting braids. But they are allowed to do whatever they want.
    He said I was being racist and conservative, I was like just cause I think there is a limit doesn’t mean I’m racist, I love people of all races. But I also appreciate cultures from afar and know my limits to things I can do.
    He kept saying I was racist and conservative and I am adding to the problems of racism by saying a race can’t do this or that. But that’s not what I meant, I said they can but there is a limit.
    I got really pissed and called him out and told him he is labelling me for what I’m not. He said I was getting offended and I get pissed quick. And I told him I would get pissed when If someone pisses me off, am I supposed to act cool when someone pisses me off.
    We ended the call and he called back to apologise and said he felt bad, I told him it was cool. But I think the damage is done.
    I appreciate people of all races and I grew up in a home where I was raised to embrace everyone, so it hurt so bad to hear him think of me like that.
    I don’t think I can get back from this, now I fear if I we are conversing and I say unconventional he might label me as something else I’m not or misunderstand me.
    I also feel the conversations around race would always come up between us and he seems to think I’m a racist already so I don’t think this would work.
    I think I might have to end this but I like him alot and I’m confused.

    #935317 Reply

    ShannonT

    You’ve been talking? Have you actually met? Doesn’t sound like it.

    What advice do you need? You’ve clearly stated you already know this won’t work for you.Are you hoping someone will talk you out of it?? If you need permission, here it is: go ahead and tell him you’re sorry, you don’t see this going anywhere and it’s best if you stop seeing each other. Do not get dragged into a conversation about it and let him talk you into keep going because he isn’t going to change and you’re uncomfortable with his stance on racial issues. Full stop, end of the story.

    #935320 Reply

    Sarah

    We have actually met a few times but I’m away for a few weeks for work so we haven’t seen in the past few weeks, and we’ve been pretty good with no serious issues since.
    The advice I need is if I’m taking it too far ending things cause of this?
    I mean I understand his point of everyone doing what they want and not being segregated by racial stances but I also don’t think my stance was racist or intended to be.
    So I’m confused if I am taking it too far or do I accept his apology and hope it ends here

    #935321 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    He sounds like a confrontational a$$hole to me. Race can definitely be a heavy subject, but he should be able to hear you out respectfully and not call you names. He’s not the authority on race! Why does he get to decide what’s racist and what’s not? He’s a while male, for crying out loud. Next thing you know he’ll be telling you what’s sexist and what’s not. It’s fine to disagree, but he can disagree in a respectful, nonconfrontational way.

    I’m white, my best female friend is Black, and my bf is Mexican. I have plenty of deep conversations about race with both of them. Never once have we resorted to name calling or labeling, we always hear each other out. And as a white person I recognize my privilege! Let’s just say I know they have both been in situations that I would never be in as a white person. (By the way, my friend has the same position as you about locs and braids on white women. I get it, I really do.)

    You can accept the guy’s apology or not. But if you think you will be uncomfortable around this issue with him moving forward, I really don’t think this situation will go anywhere. Are you dating? Are you just “talking”? What’s your status? If you’re going to date interracially, you really have to be comfortable talking about and confronting racial issues as a couple. If this guy is already making you uncomfortable and labeling you, it’s not going to get better.

    #935322 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    Also, re-reading your post, frankly it sounds to me like he’s picking a fight with you. Why did he suddenly ask you about white women and braids? How did that even come up? Why did he bring up locs? Why does he keep bringing up the issue? It sounds like he’s trying to provoke a disagreement, honestly, and that’s a d!ck move.

    #935323 Reply

    ShannonT

    Hope it ends there? Come on, you know it won’t. I don’t get why more women won’t trust their instincts. Read what you wrote. You know you don’t want to do this anymore and you shouldn’t.

    What Liz said is right. This guy sounds like a confrontational dick. People talk about race civilly all the time. Sounds like he can’t or doesn’t want to.

    #935324 Reply

    Sarah

    I agree with you Liz, I think he just wants to pick a fight, it felt like it was very much a confrontation. I honestly don’t know why he keeps bringing it up, he just randomly asks these questions and tells me he saw a video somewhere blah blah.
    We have conversations where we disagree and all but for him to call names and label me felt very hurtful and don’t understand why he thought it was okay.
    We are dating and have talked about making things official but I wanted us to get to know each other more before that happens and he agreed too, so I guess this is just a talking stage.
    I’m also totally comfortable talking race with him but I don’t appreciate the name calling. It really hurt and definitely made me feel uncomfortable and I started to question myself.

    #935326 Reply

    Sarah

    Shannon, it’s not that I don’t want to follow my instincts. It’s just that he has never acted this way before or been extremely confrontational over stuff like this so it was shocking to me and that’s why I’m confused if it’s something I should take very serious or not

    #935327 Reply

    ShannonT

    I understand Sarah… what’s happening is you’re seeing who he really is now. When someone is confronting you and name calling and doing what he’s doing then yes you take it seriously. It’s very disrespectful and it’s definitely grounds to end things. No one is perfect, but this is too far out of line to be tolerated. Sometimes you can talk things through with people and sometimes you just have to read the writing on the wall, believe it and walk away. I know it’s disappointing. I’m white and I once had a black friend who would bring up racial subjects and bait me and verbally shred me if I didn’t agree with him and I often didn’t. The third time I said, I’m very uncomfortable with these discussions, he attacked me verbally yet again and I told him I didn’t think it was a good idea to us to be friends any longer. Which got me another attack, at which point I blocked and haven’t looked back. No idea why he was behaving like that, he knew I”m not a racist. Oh well. Not for me to analyze or fix.

    #935328 Reply

    Sarah

    That sucks what happened with your friend!
    But I think it’s just what is happening here now as well, I’m being baited and when I don’t agree I get called names and I’m definitely not trying to be or is a racist.
    I guess you are right and I’m now seeing the real him.

    #935331 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    How long have you been seeing him? People can be on their best behavior for awhile– months, certainly– but eventually their real personality shines through, for better or worse.

    #935333 Reply

    Raven

    Yup, get out now…

    #935334 Reply

    Maddie

    This is a bigger deal than you were hoping for sure… he’s minimizing your opinions instead of respectfully listening to your experiences! That is likely to extend beyond the race conversation and come out in other ways, too, if you stick around. People can make mistakes and learn from them, but

    In regards to the race part, as has already been said, why does he get to define racism (especially in spaces he has no experience in, since he’s not a woman or a person or color and presumably he doesn’t have dreads?), and why does he get to do it in a way that is hostile towards you? Do you really think he’s someone who could handle the challenges that often still come with an interracial relationship in a lot of places, defend you, make sure you’re respected, and same if you ever had children? I don’t usually suggest jumping ahead to thinking about how family life would go when you still barely know each other, but it is important to think about if and when issues come up that are dealbreakers.

    You don’t need to second guess yourself here. When someone seems to act out of character early in a relationship, it can take a minute to emotionally catch up to the intellectual part where you know something is wrong, and that’s okay. It can feel confusing and it’s normal enough to wonder if you should question yourself. But believe him when he shows you who he is, because if you accept him speaking down to you, then he sees what he can get away with and may keep pushing the goalposts further and further. You told him he was upsetting you and he kept pushing already, so things are not going in a good direction for how he’s going to treat you in the future.

    #935335 Reply

    Maddie

    Ignore “People can make mistakes and learn from them, but”, that shouldn’t be in there. I was starting to say something when I read he’d apologized, but then I re-read the whole thing and changed my mind.

    #935341 Reply

    Sarah

    You are right Maddie, things like these spill into everything else in the relationship.
    And you are also right about him defending me if things like this come up in public places, he is most likely to put me down or my opinions in front of people.
    I spoke to hime again and told him I was hurt by his words and that now I don’t even know if I feel comfortable anymore talking to him about issues like this openly.
    He then said he agrees he was a bit harsh and that’s why he called back to apologise but he can also say he is not sure he is comfortable talking openly to me cause I would get offended easily. And that if he feels somehow about something, that’s how he feels and he is not going to pretend but he will say his mind cause he is not the type to not say how he feels.

    #935343 Reply

    Raven

    He is a schlub…

    #935347 Reply

    Maddie

    Nothing wrong with speaking one’s mind and being direct, but it doesn’t excuse being a jerk! They are not the same thing. You can find a person you’re more compatible with.

    I enjoyed how Raven summed it all up!

    #935348 Reply

    Sarah

    Yes I do agree he should have been nicer about it and not be a jerk.

    #935351 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    “he can also say he is not sure he is comfortable talking openly to me cause I would get offended easily.”

    Notice how he’s making it your fault? He’s saying he’s not sure he can speak his mind because YOU supposedly get uncomfortable. Instead of taking responsibility and saying, “I can speak my mind, but I need to do it in a respectful, civil way and not resort to name calling.”

    Maddie made really good points. Is this the type of guy who will defend you if someone challenges your relationship?

    #935352 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    I’ll add, as a white person– it’s really important for white people to *listen* to the experiences and viewpoints of people of color. Even if it challenges our worldview and makes us uncomfortable. We don’t have to agree with everything someone says, but we should at least listen with respect & take their viewpoint into consideration when talking about race. White people will never fully understand what it’s like to not be white in this society. (Just like how men will never really understand what it’s like to be a woman!)

    All this guy has to do is listen and say, “I’ve never considered that viewpoint”, and sit with it for a bit. He can ultimately say he doesn’t fully understand or agree with the viewpoint. But he should at least try! And be respectful if he doesn’t understand.

    #935353 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    (As you can see, I feel pretty strongly about this, lol!)

    #935355 Reply

    Sarah

    Lol you are so right.
    I actually started to feel bad for getting mad and was then wondering if I really get offended so easily.
    And he really really didn’t want to understand my point and just kept saying what he thinks should be right and made me feel like I was wrong.
    It definitely makes me question my relationship with him because he doesn’t seem like he understands at all what it means to be a POC and doesn’t seem like he wants to.

    #935362 Reply

    Maddie

    “he doesn’t seem like he understands at all what it means to be a POC and doesn’t seem like he wants to”

    Bingo, you’ve hit the nail on the head. You’re looking at this the right way, I think.

    #935363 Reply

    Mary

    He sounds confrontational. I believe it is good to give food for thought ti bring about openmindedness, but might steer clear of him.

    #935366 Reply

    Rubi

    Uhm I feel that a black woman saying a white woman with braids is weird, is the same equivalent as a white woman saying a black woman with straight blonde hair is weird. Some things really are too much and I’m not disagreeing with that because it doesn’t look NATURAL. Maybe you can try to explain it to him in THAT way so he can see this point. Also, please note that anybody saying anything against a race in any way, will SOUND racists even though it’s not our intent so I get why he would go as far as calling you that, I wouldn’t take it personal especially if you’re a person that likes to speak your mind too.

    In regards to forming a romantic relationship..I’m white and my bf is black, we have a son together and he’s lightly tanned. Some people admire us, especially our son, but some downright hate. When we were dating, for some reason our focus was on having fun together and I don’t think we even thought about us being two different race 😅 we grew up the same I guess. But race will always come up in your relationship at one point because people around you will make it come up. They stare a lot. And there are tonnes of hate and attacks towards interracial relationships, it’s challenging as it is. So if you are disagreeing between you about your opinions on what you explained, your relationship won’t be peaceful. But if you do like him a lot and he has apologised to you, you guys can have one last conversation on your feelings with this, choose to agree to disagree and make peace and focus on other things that builds a healthy relationship.
    However, if you cannot get past it because you don’t feel understood nor understand his point then the relationship will not work out. To make an interracial relationship work, BOTH parties have to fully understand the other’s opinion, experience and feelings and don’t get carried away with “POC” and “white privilege” bull, because if you do then already it’s not working out because you won’t ever feel equal to eachother. So try to get this communication going calmly, simply use the term natural to explain the limit you’re speaking of to him, open your minds and worlds to one another and see where it leads.

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