Home › Forums › Decoding His Signals / How Does He Feel About Me? › He seems to like me, but describes another girl he's not interested in as cute
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Lucy.
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Lucy
There’s this guy at my workplace that I really like. Just to make it clear, we’re not working in the same sector, so we don’t have anything to do with each other when it comes to work.
He’s a trainee who’s almost done with his training and preparing for his final exams and I just started working there.
We’re both in our early twenties and we’re the only ones in this company who are that young. The other ones are all 30 and above.
The atmosphere is pretty relaxed and relationships between coworkers are allowed. We live in Germany.Anyway, during the last two months, we’ve been starting to become friends. We always see each other on our way to work and we always leave the work place together in the evening.
Usually, he calls me on my office phone and asks me if I’m ready to go home and then we meet up downstairs and go. Or I call him, but usually he’s the one who calls first.
We’ve established this routine for over a month now.We have to take the train to get home and even though we could be taking the bus to get to the train station (which would be the fastest way to get to the train station),
we’re always walking together.We’ve also met up two times outside of work (both times, he initiated), one time we went to the city and grabbed something to eat. He was the one who offered to pay for me.
The other time, he invited me over on a Saturday afternoon to his house and afterwards, we went to the city and took a long walk together through the park. It was a lot of fun.When we both started heading home and said goodbye, we hugged for the first time.
And no, nothing physical happened at his place, I first helped him prepare for his final exams and then he warmed up some food for me to eat, then we played some video games and
then we went out.What he does is that he always finds an excuse to touch me on my arms, hands or shoulders. We also like to tease each other a lot. He also complimented me a few times.
He said that I look great in red and that he noticed that I often wear this color. And he once commented that I have long legs and that I have a supernatural memory lolEvery time we talk, it’s not just superficial small talk like “So, what did you study?” or something, we talk about basically anything.
Usually, he’s the one always talking about his dreams and what he wants to achieve in the future. He also once admitted that he’s a little shy.
What he also likes to do for fun is to imagine a future where he’s rich and then he always includes me in it and says stuff like “You know, this building there actually belongs to me.
I’m going to turn it into a mall and then I’m going to give you a special card, so you can buy whatever you want without paying for it”.
Some may find this a little silly, but he’s just joking around lol. But the thing is that he always includes me in his little fantasies, which I find pretty sweet.The thing is, he came from another country all by himself when he was a teenager and he’s often thinking about his financial situation because he’s not earning much right now.
He also wants to support his family.
He once said that if he had more money, he would invite me to a fancy restaurant,
but now he can barely afford to buy something cheap to eat for me. It sounded like he really felt bad about it and I told him that it’s not a big deal for me.
Money seems to be a pretty big deal for him though, because he wants to build a solid future.
He has to work very hard for himself right now, so he wants his future children to have it easier than him.See, this is all stuff that he’s telling me by himself. This is when I think “Okay, he tells me so much, he initiates to spend more time with me,
he compliments me, he includes me in his future (even if it’s just as a joke) and he’s touching me a lot. He has to like me, right?”But sometimes, I’m still wondering if he likes me or if he just sees me as a good friend.
One day we were sitting in our train back home and he showed me that his German godmother texted him. Then he told me that he’s actually not really comfortable visiting them
and that his godmother used to try to pair him off with her daughter. He then told me that she didn’t like her daughter at all and that he wasn’t interested, so he just
told his godmother that he needed to focus on his training and school. But when he told me all this, he still mentioned that her daughter was pretty and cute.I don’t know. Some of you will probably wonder what my problem is, because he literally said that he wasn’t interested in her, but I still didn’t like the fact that he considered her as cute in front of me.
He said it like this “My godmother always wanted me to go out with her daughter, but I didn’t like her at all. I mean, she was pretty, but she always wanted to go out partying and drinking and I just didn’t like that. I wasn’t interested, so my godmother’s attempt to pair me off didn’t work”, so his emphasis was definitely more on the fact that he didn’t like her.
But it still made me sad and a little jealous.Would guys talk about this stuff in front of a girl you like? Or was it just a weird way to show me that he doesn’t care about other girls?
Or he just didn’t want to talk too rudely about this girl, because his godmother actually did a lot for him?
I just don’t know if a guy who really likes me would describe other girls as cute in front of me, even if he’s not interested in them. Right?
Or am I just paranoid?That’s the thing I’m always wondering: What exactly does he see in me? Am I just a friendly girl he likes to talk to, or am I a potential romantic interest for him?
He’s telling me so much about himself, every time he’s on his phone, he’s showing me who that is and telling me what they are talking about and how he feels about the people who are contacting him.
He’s not a native speaker, so he often asks me to read over his texts to see if he wrote it correctly. And he’s the one doing this by himself, I’m not that invasive.
Maybe I just need to give it more time and be patient. We’ve known each other for three months now and we’re still colleagues after all.
Plus, he’s now preparing for his exams next month, which also seems to stress him.I want to develop a solid friendship with him first and I do want to take it slow, but there are days when I’m sure that he likes me, and then on other days I feel like
he sees me more as a friend.
He doesn’t seem to date other girls, at least he didn’t mention any. He seems to be pretty preoccupied with school and work and
whenever he talks about meeting someone, it’s always just one of his guy friends.He’s always very sweet with me and I could imagine being in a relationship with him, but I don’t want to get hurt and disappointed again, so I want to bei careful. I really like him a lot and just the thought of not seeing him anymore or losing him one day makes me really sad.
TL;DR A guy I like shows many possible signs that he likes me, but he still mentions that a girl he’s not interested in is cute. Would guys do this in front of a girl they like or is he just not that into me?
Lucy
Edit: Sorry, I didn’t mean “she didn’t like her daughter at all”, of course I meant “he didn’t like her at all”.
Newbie
He clearly likes you and he sounds sweet. When it comes to him talking about that other girl it sounds harmless. If she does look cute, its pointless to leave that out. His point was to demonstrate you he wasnt interested. So a bit clumsy.
More importantly though is that i dont think he is ready to date at all. Not taking things slow etc. Thats maybe your process but guys date differently. They play the field and suddenly when two things align – the girl and feeling ready – they are going for it. He can know that he could take you on an ice cream date and that counts as a date. But he doesnt.
He also acts like a big dreamer. Maybe now that looks nice but for later maybe not. Im saying that because besides the fact he isnt asking you out, this is just a guy with good qualities and faults. Dont make the mistake beforehand to convince yourself he is worth your effort. Dont do that. He has to prove himself first. Over a longer period of time.
So dont overinvest. Thats also the best cure against getting hurt. Let guys step up.Lucy
Thank you for your reply. You were right all along. The second time we hung out (which was two weeks ago) he became very touchy feely and then kissed me. Right afterwards I said “That was my first kiss” and he said “Really? Mine too”. Then I asked “Does that mean we are together now?” and he pulled back a little and said that he’s not ready for a relationship because he’s still so young and doesn’t know what he wants in life yet. That a relationship takes a lot of responsibility and that he’s not able to provide that right now, no matter with what girl. We had a long talk about this topic.
Was it a mistake to ask right away what the kiss meant? I just thought that if we both shared our first kiss together, that this would mean something :/ was that the thing that turned him off for good now?
He even said that the thought of a relationship scares him.
I mean, I get his point and I respect that. He’s still unexperienced and went through a lot of stuff at a very young age. I know his situation and I truly believe him that no girl could convince him into dating at this point in his life.
But there’s still that nasty little voice in my head that thinks “Maybe it’s because of you and it’s just an excuse”. Even though he gave me completely valid reasons which absolutely make sense.He said that it would take him years to be ready and that he doesn’t want me to wait for him. That I’m a very beautiful and intelligent girl, but he doesn’t want to hurt me and that he doesn’t want me to have feelings for him. And that I would find someone much much better than him because I would only get in trouble with him.
I asked him if he really didn’t like me more than a friend and he said “I don’t know, I never really thought about it”.
We agreed on staying friends because we do in fact get along with each other very well. And we are colleagues and good friends, so it would be hard to just get out of each other’s way.
He also admitted that I’m the only female friend he has who he ever had this dynamic with. So I must be special to him at least in some way.But why did he even kiss me in the first place, I asked him. He just said he doesn’t know, maybe he was just bored. But you don’t just kiss someone out of boredom if you’re shy and unexperienced like he is, do you? He must have felt something, right? But he just wants to forget that the kiss happened.
While I get his situation, I’m still sad and disappointed. I was so sure that he likes me, so I wonder if I scared him off for good now.
We still are in fact friends and things between us seem to be the same as before. But I often wonder if I approached this the wrong way and wonder if he ever liked me in the first place. He still likes to tease me and touch me, one time he even gave me a kiss on the cheek.
Last week, we went on our way home as always and I noticed how he gave me a really sweet smile from the side. I jokingly said “Why are you looking at me like that, am I talking too much?” and he just replied with “No, I like you” and I said “I like you, too”.
I know some might say it’s a mistake to stay friends, but one day, either him or me will leave the company anyway, so we might as well enjoy the time we have together now, right? I appreciate him too much to just give up on our friendship and he’s not the kind of guy who would convince me into a FWB situation or something. He’s a good guy. But unfortunately, he doesn’t know what he wants in life yet.
I told him that I respect his decision and that it’s best for me to find someone who’s also ready. And that I wish nothing but the best for him and that I’m sure he will find his way some day because he’s friendly, smart and has a good heart.
What is your take on this?
My theory is that he probably likes me (even if it’s just subconcsiously), but doesn’t want to admit it because he doesn’t want to string me along or get my hopes up to wait for him. Or is that just wishful thinking?I was so sure that he likes me or am I really that delusional?
Addison
He obviously likes/liked you, i knew that before your second post. A few things:
A guy spending 1:1 time with you, that HE initiated, is a clear sign. guys/girls don’t do 1:1 friend stuff unless there’s a reason. girls may hang out 1:1, and guys may 1:1 (in a platonic way), but if i guy is initiating this he does NOT just want to be your friend. the thing is, there’s a myriad of things he could want, just like there’s a myriad of things any person could want – sex, dating, attention, physical intimacy, relationship, and beyond.
but you should be asking what YOU want. don’t leave it up to him. immediately asking that question after a kiss kind of kills the moment, but it’s ok, you’re learning. i’d only go for a guy that gives you whatever you want – if you want him to chase you and love everything about you, and not give excuses, then draw a line in the sand go for that, work on yourself, and do NOT settle for anything less than that. best of luck.
addy
Newbie
Addison describes parts of what i also feel you must understand about guys. Guys can like you, flirt with you, have sex with you, treat you as a gf and STILL dont want a relationship. This has a lot to do with guys dont want to be tied down that fast, or feel they have to be more financial secure or they just dont value a relationship at all important. And thats pretty much what he told you. Believe guys when they say that. Dont think they dont know what they want or are shy or dont want to come clean. Girls think like that, guys dont. He gave you a kiss because he likes you and is attracted to you. But again that doesnt mean he wants a relatlonship with you. Asking him if that meant if you are a couple now is actually weird but i also found it cute. And the fact you got an answer is not a bad thing. Youre young yourself, you can take your own time being ready or playing the field.
Lucy
Thank you for your reply.
So I’m not just delusional? I actually also think he likes me and I think he still does. Even if he doesn’t want a relationship with anyone, I feel like I still mean a lot to him.
Even right after we kissed and had the talk, we still took a walk outside and held hands with our fingers intertwined.I’m sorry if I killed the moment (I also apologized to him later and said that I didn’t want to scare him), but would you say it’s too bad? Would this be an instant turnoff? It just slipped out because I actually expected him to react differently…but I guess that’s part of learning. Most first kisses are probably that awkward.
Of course I want a relationship, but if he can’t give that to me due to his circumstances, I guess that means I have to discover other options and meanwhile focus on being the best version of myself.
But unfortunately, that doesn’t change the feelings I still have for him…but I know what you mean. I deserve someone who’s all in and ready.Newbie
It doesnt really matter how much he likes you and if what you said turned him off or not. The endresult is the same. He doesnt want a relationship with you and i strongly suggest you adopt the mindset that you dont want a relationship with anyone that doesnt want you. And that would also mean back off. He was clear with you, so no hand holding or anything. If he doesnt want you, you would continu asking you on dates and make sure you are his girl. Consider yourself a free agent and him as a nice not going anywhere crush.
I told you that that asking if you were a couple now was kind of cute in the context of you saying it was your first kiss. In any other instance in the future it will make you look crazy. But the thing that makes it worse is apologize for it. Never apologize. Unless you have done something horrible. You really need to read up on how to know a guy is interested, 7 stages a guys falls in love, read why men love b*tches and understand male logic. The guy that falls in love with you will make it cristal clear he is in love with you. All other cases are a noNewbie
Something went wrong: if he does want you he would continu ask you out on dates and….
Lucy
Oh, he was the one who took my hand, it’s not like I was pushing myself onto him.
I just said that I’m sorry because I felt like I irritated him with that question, so I just wanted to make it clear that I didn’t intend to scare him or ruin the moment.
But I also explained to him why I asked him and said that since it was bot our first kiss, I thought it meant something.
I wouldn’t do that with the next guy who kisses me.
I know what you mean. The fact is that he doesn’t want what I want, so I should just accept it and move on. And not get my hopes up that this is going anywhere.But just out of curiosity: Would there ever be a chance that a guy who didn’t feel ready in the past comes back to a woman he liked once he is ready? Or does that hardly ever happen? They would probably rather look for someone new, right?
Anyway, thank you for reading through all of this and giving me advice :)
Newbie
I think with a guy like that it can take easy 5 to more years before he is ready. There are generic rules but nothing is set in stone. I know some things can change a guys mind. When the girl disappears and he realizes he misses her (hence the often missused no contact rule) or when he gets his ducks in a roe. My brother did that. He broke up with his gf because he felt stressed over his music education. He felt that had to be his priority. He broke up and after a year changed his study and saw her again. My now sister in law. But she has always been a super confident woman who i am sure never waited for My brother and started to date other guys. So Number 1 rule is: never wait for any guy. And realize this is a conscious choice on his part. Its not like you are any kind of danger he has to be careful about. If he would be so into you he would feel he has to be with you, he would make himself ready. He isnt doing that.
Lucy
Yes, I totally get your point. I’m not planning to wait for him. He said it himself that it might take him years to be ready, so waiting would be ridiculous.
I should just appreciate his honesty and wish him all the best.There are so many other men out there. Besides, I can take my time and just enjoy life for what it is.
Rationally, I know that I’m going to be fine no matter what, but my emotions often get in my way since I’m a very sensitive and sentimental person. I tend to take things very personally even though I really shouldn’t. I’m probably just oversensitive. I’ve always been like this ever since I was a kid.I think it’s also because I haven’t had much experience in dating yet, so I’m sometimes a bit insecure about how men perceive me or where exactly I stand in the dating game.
Rationally, I know that I won’t have a problem finding someone and I do like my personality and the way I look and carry myself. It’s not like I actually think I’m undesirable or unattractive and I do get positive feedback by so many people in my everyday life, even strangers.But if you didn’t manage to attract anyone you like who seriously wants to be with you until the age of 23, you sometimes can’t help but wonder if there might be anything wrong with you.
But I always shake that doubt off and tell myself that I’m more than good enough.There will always be someone else. Sometimes I forget that because I quite rarely find someone that I really click with, so when I finally meet someone that I actually like, I’m so happy about it that I think that this time, this has to be it. But that’s not always the case.
I get what you’re saying and I know you’re right. And congrats to your brother and his wife! :) -
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