This topic contains 9 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by LaFrance Thibodeaux 8 months, 1 week ago.
January 18, 2020 at 5:00 pm #783193
Sorry guys, long text ahead. I’m in the process of maybe getting back together with my ex. He has tried to win me back for months, and as I still loved him I finally gave in and admitted I still had feelings. One of the reasons we split was his huge desire to have more children. He has two grown up children from a previous marriage, but wants more.
For some reason he has a strained relationship with the two kids that he does have. He seems bitter that they wanted to live with their mum after she left him for another man. He’s very reluctant to talk about it, though. I’ve never met them, as they’re not even in contact at the moment, but I know they’ve had contact in the past. What little he did say, he’s portrayed himself as a victim in the situation and lay all the blame on his ex-wife and their children. This worries me a fair bit, that he seems so black and white about it. I have been open to the idea of having kids, but I don’t want to rush things. Especially as I feel he should sort out the relationship with the kids he already has first.
When I first met him, he came on very strong and everything moved at a lightning speed. I was flattered by the overwhelming attention, but it also made me cautious. He made it very clear from the moment we first met how much he loves children and that his great wish is to become a father again. That is fine of course, but my concern is that I feel like he is kind of in a rush. When we first had sex, I was not on birth control and he reluctantly agreed to use a condom. Next time he jokingly said “let’s get you pregnant”, as we were going to the bedroom. When I explained my concerns about getting pregnant so early in the relationship, he had no understanding whatsoever.
As we have talked about getting back together, and he has sensed that my feelings for him is still there, he has presented me with some terms, most of them not unreasonable. But again, the kids issue resurfaced. First, he said he wished for two more kids and he wanted to agree on the number before hand. Then he started jokingly talking about three. And lately, he said (not sure if it was a joke or not) that he would like four or five, but that he would be happy with “just” three. I feel that he’s kind of pushing it.
Then he surprisingly said that in the worst case scenario that I don’t want any children, it wouldn’t be a deal-breaker. But he said that it would be “a shame for life, for both him and I”. However, he said that he would accept it. He also said that if I wanted to wait two or three years, it wouldn’t be nice for him, but he would accept that too. The most important part was us being together.
However, just a couple of days later, he changed his mind, and said that it would be hard for him to be together with a young woman like me without having kids, and that he didn’t think he could do it when the option is there. I’m in my 30’s and he’s pushing 50, so in that sense, I can understand that he doesn’t want to wait too long. But I still feel like things should progress naturally, without him pushing it. As I didn’t want to loose him, I said I would be willing to try for kids with him in the future if everything went well.
Everything was looking good between us for a while, but then we had a blow up over something else that I did, and he got angry with me and pulled away. As we started to reconcile, he said that if we were to get back together, he wanted me to move in with him this spring -the sooner the better- and we would figure out in a couple of months whether or not we would be compatible. He said that if everything went well, he would want to propose to me after these two months, and that if he does propose, he would want me to quit the birth control pill. He added that if that time come, and we both want it, we can of course continue with the pill for a few months longer. But that if I want to be in a relationship with him again, I basically need to be ready to quit birth control after a proposal. He wants to clarify this before we re-enter a relationship, because he doesn’t want to have any future discussions back and forth about it.
In his defense, I have been quite indecisive about the kids issue. And due to his age, I understand that he doesn’t want to wait too long. Still, I feel like he’s pushing it and I feel very uneasy about how we’ve talked about it so far.
He said that I could take my time to think about it, but when I called him a few days later to give him some feedback, I could already tell that he was upset that I’ve taken so long to reply to him. I started to wonder if having kids is more important to him than being with me, but he’s reassured me that he would marry me even if it turned out that I couldn’t have children, because I’m the love of his life. But that kids are important to him, and that he think a pregnancy is the most beautiful outcome of a relationship.
Now he’s even started talking about getting promise rings this spring. I should feel excited to possibly be moving in with him and starting a life together, but instead I feel stressed and confused. I don’t know if we should even get back together if I feel the way I do. He has said that if I decide to back out at this point, that I have wasted his time and that he would block me and never want to speak with me again. Are we just too different? Is there even a chance that this could work?January 18, 2020 at 5:38 pm #783195
I have a hard time liking this guy based on what you are saying. What are his good qualities? He must have some, since you love him. The biggest issue i have with him pushing for kids is that he does this totally without any context. Not in the context of your relationship, like it would be both of yours, and you would make a great mom, he a great dad etc. So i do think your gut is right that he wants a do/over but he isnt even very intelligent about in knowing what to do different this time. If he played a minor part in his kids lives when they were minors it must have had a lot to do with him. I also think blaming your own kids is one of the absolute unforgiveable character flaws a person can have. I would feel like an incubator in your shoes and him creepy with all that talk about how its a shame you wouldnt have kids seeing your age. Yuk yuk yuk. Sorry im normally not so personal but something gets me on my nerves hereJanuary 18, 2020 at 5:58 pm #783197
Hi-I am with Newbie on this-something a bit off or creepy. Not sure why you broke up and who broke up? I would find out more about his kids,meet them if possible and pin down what happened and why he does not have a close relationship with them. If he continues to stonewall on the topic and take no responsibility for the situation,I would not continue to have a relationship with him-given that the having children issue seems so important to him.January 18, 2020 at 7:53 pm #783207
Better off single
Wtf? No! This guy is a basket case.January 19, 2020 at 9:16 am #783237
So either you have his kids or you’ve wasted his time and he’ll block you and never speak to you again. Yet you’re the love of his life. Yeah no. That is manipulation to the Nth degree.
I agree he sees you as an incubator. Do yourself a favor and dump him.January 19, 2020 at 6:38 pm #783253
I’m with the other ladies on this one. Something is off with this whole thing. Like someone else here asked, I too would be interested to know what you like about him? And how old is he? Because from what you wrote here, I got an odd feeling about this guy.January 19, 2020 at 8:36 pm #783258
Sure, have more children with a dysfunctional father…January 20, 2020 at 3:03 am #783269
RUN AS FAST AS YOU CANJanuary 20, 2020 at 6:52 am #783276
I do find this to be a bit far too intense especially for someone who is 50 years old! At this age they are getting ready for retirement and having grandkids, not making more kids!!! I know a lot of older guys who had kids for their younger second wives regretted it, they literally had to “start over” and only did it because they felt pressured—don’t put yourself in that position as you will be doing it for the wrong reasons and eventually regret it, especially if he sucks as a father!
For for someone who do doesn’t have a good relationship with his current kids as a red flag that shouldn’t be ignored. How old are his kids? I’m not saying he’s completely to blame because parental alienation is a real thing and a common product of divorce, so there could be some truth in what he says but I would definitely get to the bottom of it before proceeding.
He appears to be a major control freak and very demanding which very well could be why his kids don’t want anything to do with him? I would not sweep this under the rug because is if ex left him for another man then she had a valid reason for do so and I would want to know that reason because women primarily leave men when it becomes intolerable. Something to ponder.January 20, 2020 at 2:41 pm #783304
& how long have you dated this guy?..Does he have any grandkids or does he know?..I think he’s trying to manipulate you due to you being several years younger than him..He seem self centered & mentally abusive imo..Like who gives someone an ultimatum to either have their kids or it’s over,dont waste my time..Do yourself a solid one my dear & pray him out of your life!..
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