He plays mind games with me


Home Forums Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals He plays mind games with me

This topic contains 10 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Lane 3 weeks, 3 days ago.

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  • #773093 Reply

    susan

    My boyfriend of one and a half years is fighting child custody with his ex. He made a divorce application when we met but he tells me that it had spelling mistakes. He did not apply for divorce since. His argument is that his solicitors are advising him to focus on the welfare of children and their custody only. He claims that his ex is not a good mother.

    For this reason, I always felt insecure with him and often broke up with him. He always begged me to take him back and gave me several assurances that he is not planning to change his mind once the divorce is done and gave me his ancestral item, which is important to his family and is precious, to me to keep and said, if he ever broke up then I can keep it. He also introduced me to his family who told me that he is fond of me.

    Yesterday, I raised with him that irrespective of everything I do want to feel normal and do want to be with someone who is not married. He said he will ask his solicitors if he can apply for divorce again. But he feels that they may advise him not to and first deal with children custody. I suggested that we take a break then. He said, no then it will mean that we free to date others and he don’t want that. We ended the discussion on the note that he will speak with solicitors on Tuesday.

    Today, in the morning I needed clarification what we agreed yesterday. So, if on Tuesday his lawyers say they are not filing divorce application then are we going to break up? I asked just that much and he lost his cool. He said, we discussed all this yesterday, I am unraveling it all and I am right that timing is not right. He said,I love you but let’s break up. Then he rash blocked me everywhere! I then phoned him and apologized for making it so hard on him and after lots of me pleading he agreed to unblock me.

    I honestly love him a lot. When we are good, we are really into each other. However, I am very worried. Looks like he has an upper hand now and he has used breaking up as something to scare me off with. He can walk away anytime despite all the securities he has been giving. I think anyone can leave anyone at anytime. I wanted to ask you all, given the situation, which is, we are still together but he has got an upper hand. What should I do?

    Irrespective of divorce here, if I were to earn my position back in this relationship and sort out bitterness between us. What should I do?

    #773103 Reply

    Paige

    Women act too desperate nowadays. He’s not your boyfriend, honey.

    #773107 Reply

    Better off single

    Leave this guy. Tell him to let you go, live your life without him, and wish him luck.

    How can you love someone who doesnt prioritize you?

    #773108 Reply

    vanessa

    Let him go,he just playing with you,tell him you are better off without him

    #773131 Reply

    Alex

    He has the upperhand and he will play this card now you’ve shown this will bother you.

    To re-gain your upperhand? Firmly advise him if he doesnt start the process of divorcing – you will leave & be prepared to do so.

    I personally think its time to leave!

    #773492 Reply

    Hs

    He cant file for divorce because of child custody issues? Thats bs. Child custody forms part of the divorce procedures.

    #773503 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    “He said he will ask his solicitors if he can apply for divorce again. But he feels that they may advise him not to and first deal with children custody.”

    I don’t think this guy is being honest with you. No lawyer (solicitor) would advise a client against filing for divorce! And he doesn’t need to “ask” his solicitors if he can file. He just files and that’s it. He doesn’t need permission.

    And HS is right, child custody is dealt with *as part of the divorce process*. A process he has not even begun.

    He’s presenting this situation to you as if he doesn’t have any control, when it’s the opposite- he has all the control in the world. If he wanted to file for divorce, he would have done so by now.

    And now he’s putting you in a situation where you’re begging him. Alex is right, he has the upper hand now and knows that if you put any pressure on him to actually divorce, he can just jerk you around and you will capitulate and he’ll get his way.

    I personally do not think he intends to get divorced. He’s making no moves to change anything.

    #773504 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    Also- “He made a divorce application when we met but he tells me that it had spelling mistakes.” WTF? That’s a new one. They don’t throw out divorce petitions over “spelling mistakes”. And the petitions are drafted by lawyers (solicitors), not by the person getting divorced, so what kind of “spelling mistakes” would there even be? I doubt he ever made a divorce application at all, ever.

    #773531 Reply

    tammy

    you were on steady ground earlier. than why the sudden desperation? he basically called out your bluff and you buckled. that’s the short of it. now what has happened is that he knows you wont walk away so he will keep stringing you along like before. and as for you, you will go along because you now fear he will actually walk away. and you don’t want to let go. the whole thing just shows that you were basically just giving him empty threats and he now knows that as well..

    your in the same position as before just that now he has the upper hand.

    I think you should tell him that he was right in breaking up. and that you guys need to take a break from each other for some definite period to avoid all this bickering negativity and heartbreak. say 3/6 months or till he has sorted out things with his wife, custody issues and put his divorce proceedings back in motion. my bet is even after 6 months nothing would have changed. but if he has than great for you.

    do you have the strength to walk away? bec lady there is no other option left for you if you want a future which includes a marriage, husband and kids.

    #773532 Reply

    tammy

    and in reference to you topic line about him playing mind games? why are you letting him? you know the scenario but you don’t want to take a definite hard decision. so this will continue.

    #773545 Reply

    Lane

    I’ going to play devil’s advocate here. Why don’t you go see his lawyer with him and allow them to explain the situation, as we don’t know all the details, and not being attorney’s on the case are not privy to all the details. You appear to be from England, and I know the laws there are much different than in our country (US), is much harder to get a divorce, so I am not going to say anything in regard to his legal status or what his attorney’s may be telling him, as they are the legal professionals, not us.

    I will address you though. You knew this going in, knew he was embroiled in a custody battle with his ex, and to be throwing all kinds of ‘threats’ around, like a two-year old, is not how a mature grown person acts like when dealing with a difficult situation. You overplayed your hand, it backfired, he got tired of the constant bickering, fighting, threats, and ultimatums of which I would have dropped yo the FIRST time you engaged in that kind of behavior.

    You had a choice to not get involved with this man knowing all these details beforehand. To call FOUL after having these facts by throwing threats around, is not mature. If you are not capable of working as ‘a team’ which involves PATIENCE, and UNDERSTANDING, in these types of situations, then you won’t make a good partner. Again, go with him to see his attorney’s, ask them questions, get the facts, and seek the truth so you can make a decision to stay and work with him, or let him go as he doesn’t need to deal with two children, one of which isn’t his.

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