This topic contains 30 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Lane 8 months, 3 weeks ago.
October 22, 2017 at 12:04 pm #661695
It will be a long story, and I apologize in advance. We have a long history together, but I will go over that briefly. With a bit more detail I will describe how things are now, and I hope you guys take the time to read it. I’m really confused, and I have no clue of how to handle this situation. I’m in desperate need of some advice.
We met online 10 years ago, something special from the very beginning, we both thought so.
But since I had already two kids, and he was still in his party stage of life, we didn’t proceed anything. We both agreed there was so much more, but it just wasn’t the right time. We kept in contact, stayed good friends. Then he met a girl, eventually got married to her, we didn’t reallly lost touch but it (ofcourse) cooled down a lot. I met someone too, bought a house. And he got married to that girl and had two babies with her.
One day, two years ago, he reached out. Saying she cheated on him, how heartbroken he was beecause of it. And she left. The relationship I had was struggling as well and eventually we broke up.
So, we started contacting each other more and more. We decided to meet up again, after ten years. The click, the magic, was still there. We met each other’s kids, and they got along aswell. No need to tell, we got together. But, not without long firm talks about how we saw things like raising kids, how living together would be hard with 4 kids in the mix, how we would tackle problems, …
After a year he said he would like me to move in with him. His divorce was final, we’ve been seeing each other for a year, he found it was time we finally started living together. Said we lost so many years being apart and with someone else, that we had to try it. We just had to. And I agreed… Remembering all the late night talks we had, how we saw things the same, how we liked each other for so long, and with no effort. Everything always came naturally with us.
But then, after moving in, I realised I did not make a smart choice.
When his ex wife would drop by to pick up the kids, or drop them off or for whatever other reason, I had to hide. Even my car.. he drove my car up the drive way and put it behind the house, so she wouldn’t see. I talked to him about that, and how it made me feel. Like I was his dirty little secret, how i felt like my feelings did not matter (since he knew how I felt about it and still asked me to do it). First red flag! But everything else was spot on, so I thought I could manage… and it would eventually pass.
It did not pass, not without me standing my ground and insisting on leaving my car out.
Then his kids started asking me to pick them up from school and go to swimming class with them. I did not put them up to it, neither did he. Our blended family just clicked like that. My kids love him, his kids love me… And when his daughter asked me to go to her swimming class cause she had to swim for a diploma, he meddled in the conversation and said no. Said to her that I couldn’t make it cause I had to go to work (not true, but I just went with it). It was heartbreaking for me to see how upset his daughter was with me, cause I couldn’t come see her swimming. When I asked him about it, he said the time wasn’t right for me to mee his ex (she’s at the swimming class aswell). I could understand that.
Same with school, I can’t go cause his ex wife would be there, we could bump into each other.
Now I’m living here for a year, and still I’m not allowed to go to swim class, or to school. Or to anywhere where his ex wife is.
I never been a jealous girlfriend, I never felt second best or that I wasn’t good enough.. But now I do. I feel jealous. I wonder what’s there that he does not want me around.
He gave me various excuses over time. First up was that the money still had to be divided and he didn’t want to piss her off. Then it was that it was too soon. At one point it was that he was scared she would pull me by my hair (never spoken a word to her, I don’t even know her). Then he felt it wasn’t ok just yet. Then it was my fault because I had issues with it…
Anyways, always a new excuse.
I know feel that when I DO get invited, I’m not going. My desire to be there and to be there for his kids is over. I care for them at home, I put them to bed, I put them in bath, I make sure they got sandwiches for school… But being somewhere with them, no thank you. That ship has sailed …
Only now I have so much difficulty to get over things like him going to swimming class upcoming tuesday knowing his ex wife will be there too. How do I get past that? Or do I just break the whole thing off. I don’t feel ok with it all, I feel like I’m taken advantage off (I’m good enough to look after the kids, just not good enough to be there in public with them).
Anybody got some wise words to me?
Thank you for reading, and sorry if my english isn’t that great, it’s not my native language. I appreciat all responses.
October 22, 2017 at 12:20 pm #661700
I suspect my advice will be unpopular here.
No relationship is perfect. No man or woman is without flaws or sins. There is some kind of a fixation in his head about his ex wife, he is being paranoid about it. If this is the only thing that is not right, I would put up with it. Understand that kids grow up, they talk, his ex probably is very well aware of you. Eventually this will get resolved. Provided it is just one thing, without something deep underlying it.
It is very understandable how you eventually got so offended that you don’t even want to be there for his kids outside your home. But don’t punish the kids for your guy’s paranoia.
I think it is time you put your foot down and say to him: I am going and if you don’t like it, it is your problem. Your kids are the ones who are being denied things because of you.
Also confront him about how it makes YOU feel. His wife is his ex, he protected her feelings enough, by now it is your feelings that need to be protected. And he is being a dork towards you. If your relationship is good overall, if you still love each other, if this is really just one ‘thing’, a few “foot downs” should be able to help you if not fully then enough to not feel awfully offended. In time this will go away, do not let it corrode your feelings, speak up, do not harbour them inside.October 22, 2017 at 12:26 pm #661702
I do not get it. Surely his kids talk about you to his ex? How could they not?October 22, 2017 at 12:33 pm #661704
He isn’t a great father or husband. The things he says and does hurt all of you. Tell him you and the kids are unhappy and if things don’t change, you’re going to leave! In the best interest of the children, you and the ex should be on friendly terms. I’m sure she has known about you for awhile .. her children no doubt mentioned you to her.
Maybe he will agree to go for couples counseling. Tell him life is too short to be unhappy. Some changes have to be made in order for all of you to be happy.October 22, 2017 at 12:37 pm #661706
Thanks for your advice. On my good days I mostly think like that.
On bad days, I don’t know how I ever will get over the fact that the one cheated on him got the priority in the feelings department.
I try to compensate to his kids through being there for them for the time they are here in the house. I do go to stores with them, I do his daughters hair (cause well, you don’t wanna see a man making a ponytail, that’s just awefull to the kid ^^).
I play games with his son.
I so felt for them when he told them no, Kif can’t come…
I have confronted him how it makes me feel. I made sure I didn’t point the finger as in “you did this wrong, you did that wrong”. I always said that “this makes me feel like that”. He just doesn’t get it. He doesn’t see it. He keeps sticking to his idea and how it’s not offending to me or disrespectful to me.
I don’t get that part either. His kids to talk about me. They even talk about my mom.
His ex-wife knows I’m here, that I live here, that I care for her children, that I buy them clothes, … She knows all.
Yet, I’m not welcome to hobbies and or school. No idea if that comes from her and he doesn’t dare to tell me. Or that it indeed comes from him.
I can try telling him that, and I think I will. The problem is that he is deadset in his beliefs. And he just doesn’t see it from any other view.
She knew about me even before I moved in here. Cause even then her children mentioned me to her.
He is in fact the one that tells me that life is too short to be unhappy.October 22, 2017 at 1:06 pm #661713
Move out.October 22, 2017 at 1:06 pm #661714
You aren’t their mom or even a step mom.October 22, 2017 at 1:11 pm #661716
Very clear response ^^
He refers to me like that.
And why not? Because we’re not married?
I never plan on getting married, never have, never will. But I don’t care less for the children because we’re not married. I don’t love them less because we’re not married. I see myself not as their mom, they have a mom, and I will never say a bad word about her to them, or to anyone to be honest. I don’t know her.
But I do care for hem as my own. And I take care of them like I do my own.October 22, 2017 at 1:24 pm #661718
He does not see because he does not want to see.
I would ask him one straight question – how long are you not allowed to fully live?
Look, if you are hidden you are not fully alive. It is your life.
I would not take this….if it is no big deal like what he says then it is no big deal for you to come to light either….no biggie goes both ways.
I am sorry but this is not good…not acceptable at all.October 22, 2017 at 1:29 pm #661720
You’re totally right. AND a good question to ask indeed.
No biggie goes both ways indeed… Thank you for that insight.
I know its not good, and not acceptable at all. If this was a new dude in my life, I would have given him the high road already. It’s that I do know him, and gave him some more slack than I would any other.October 22, 2017 at 1:38 pm #661722
My point was that you are just a live in maid and babysitter. It’s sad you didn’t work this out before involving the kids. You said you spoke at length about how to blend the family and yet this topic never came up? I’m going to guess he made an agreement with her that you would not be present when she is around. Which is why he isn’t budging.October 22, 2017 at 1:42 pm #661723
Sorry for misunderstanding.
And this topic did came up. And I was asked if I wouold be open to transport kids to hobbies and even his ex-wife’s house if he should be asked to stay late at work (sometimes that happens and they have no say in it). So it did came up.
And I was thinking about such an agreement too. And I would have more understanding if he would tell me that honestly.October 22, 2017 at 1:56 pm #661725
Jan wondered about “blending” the family and you took it to mean transporting the kids? There is much more involved as to blending .. one of which is an agreement to be fully involved with each others children and both of you being on friendly terms with the other parent of those children.October 22, 2017 at 2:05 pm #661728
I know there is a lot more to blending a family, my response was rather short.
We did talked intensively about this topic. We both had the same ideas. My ex-partner is totally ok with the situation, and he just let it shine through that is ex-wife is too. But his words don’t match up reality. And I couldn’t know that that would be the case.
We talked about who’d do what, what was expected from the other person, from the exes, chores, doctors appointments, hobbies, school, … What we would parent, how we would co-parent.
I took tansporting as a means to show that there wasn’t supposed to be a problem with the exes. AT least, that was what he let me believe. I had no reason to doubt his words. She already had another man. so with his words, and her deeds, I didn’t see how I couldl have known that this was gonna be an issue.
He asked me lots of quetions, like if I would be ok to go with him to teacher parent nights nnd all, if I would be ok to go on my own with his ex-wife if he shoulld be working overtime, …
Just a lot, and hours on the phone, hours and hours and hours, on how to make this work. Reality just seems to be a whole lot different than what he said to me.October 22, 2017 at 2:11 pm #661731
Okay, so in addition to being a dictator, he’s a liar.
For the sake of your own children, you need to leave him.October 22, 2017 at 2:19 pm #661733
If you care, elaborate where you got the dictator from? I know I think that he is at times, just not quite sure how you picked it up :-)
I’ve been thinking about leaving indeed… Cause even if this got resolved, I have no idea how to overcome my feelings of feeling like I’m second best, that she’s a priority, how her feelings get protected and not mine. Especially that last one…
I would like to add that never did I have had the idea of being a “stepmom” who cannot stand his ex. My plan was to be friendly, and hopefully be on friendly terms with her throughout the kid’s lives.
That’s what I wished for in my kids’ stepmom, unfortunately, she’s a whole other piece of work.October 22, 2017 at 2:27 pm #661737
He makes an agreement, breaks it, and then expects you to follow his rule.
This is NOT a happy blended family! You are suffering and no doubt the children are too, even if they don’t voice it. They are looking to both of you as role models.
Curious as to the ages of the children?October 22, 2017 at 2:32 pm #661739
He thinks I have to see it like he does.
And you know, I could have. If he didn’t change up the reasons for me not being invited. But when you give various reasons, I get suspicious of it. Be straight forward with me, and I’m not someone you will bave an argument with.
I can only speak for myself, but I never llet anything show to the kids. I hope they don’t pick things up at their moms, or when swimming class is happening.
But indeed, I’m not happy, and I bet he isn’t either.
Such a shame everything else is easy peasy.
My kids (two boys) are 12 and 10.
His are 6 (son) 4 (daughter)October 22, 2017 at 2:43 pm #661740
Kids at their ages are wiser than you might think and they sometimes overhear conversations and they pick up clues. The boys are learning from him how to treat a woman and the girls are learning from you what a woman will accept in a relationship.October 22, 2017 at 2:46 pm #661741
I know that they’re look at us to see how they later on should adult.
It seems like this is a dead end situation, since he is not looking things from my perspective. And only his.
Thank you for your insight.October 22, 2017 at 4:03 pm #661749
kif, are you 100% sure his ex is the one who cheated? because his behavior is making me think he lied and is keeping you from her to hide it. if he’s nervous she’ll attack you, are you 100% sure he’s only said good things about you to her?
I think you should leave. if you’re never planning on getting married anyway, then you’re not losing anything moving on.October 22, 2017 at 4:06 pm #661750
Something is really off. I think he wants to keep you apart so you don’t share stories, I think he was still with her right up to the divorce and mat still be seeing her on the side, what you write makes no sense if they are really over. No woman who loves her kids would allow another woman to take care of them without her meeting and getting to know her. I have a feeling she is being a bunch of lines about you being a live in nanny or something. And yes, I’m sure she hears from the children but they are still very young and he is old enough to dispel anything that the kids spin that is not in his favor.
This is a man you knew for 10 years but really don’t know. Let’s face it, he through a lot of words at you and got you to agree to move in for his convenience of having sex and someone to pick up the slack of taking care of his kids when he has custody. You say you don’t care about marriage. That’s good, because I don’t think he views as marriage material anyway. Not by his actions. And yes he is being more faithful to the ex than you.October 22, 2017 at 5:15 pm #661769
You are an adult. Go meet his ex wife. Have a talk about it first and be honest that you cannot deal with being hidden anymore. I don’t understand why you haven’t put you foot down yet. He is hiding something that he thinks his ex wife will tell you. So if you talk and he still comes up with lame excuses, just go. Take your car, take an uber, and go introduce yourself to the ex. A few things might come from this. One is he will realize he is being paranoid and all is fine and your life can go back to normal. Or two, you will find out whatever it is he is hiding. Your relationship is falling apart as it is so you have nothing to lose.
Also, I think you have an obligation to try and make this work for the sake of his kids. At their ages a year is plenty of time to get attached. You just disappearing from their life would be really hard on them. I think you really just got to go meet this ex.October 23, 2017 at 11:16 am #661938
I’m 100% sure she cheated… all of his friends and mutual friends say so. So there’s no doubt in my mind it went down like that.
I’m not sure about what he has said to her about me, but I do know she always has had a grudge against me. She knows I knew him before she met him.. I even saw her all this time ago once or twice, when they just started out. I don’t even think he even has ever said a word about me to her since they’ve split up.
I’m not planning on marrying anyone to be honest.. Never have been that big of a fan of marriage since my parents split up too…
The past months have made me think that he indeed was with her right up to the divorce. That one I figured out myself. I do know he was the one who tried to mend things, and she didn’t want to. At least, that’s what I’ve been told (not only by him).
She in fact never requested to meet me, which I also think is strange. When my ex had a new woman in his life, I really wanted to meet her. I wanted to know who was going to live with my kids and look after them. Plus side was that I already knew her, cause she was a teacher at my sons school.
I indeed don’t really know him, I thought I did. We kept in contact throughout the years. Hence why I didn’t see a huge deal in moving in so fast. We always remained friends. If this was a totally new guy, never in my life would I have moved in this fast. But, well, this wasn’t my smartest choice either it seems.
I do feel like I’m the maid around here, to look after everything, make sure everyone has what they need and everything gets done for him, and for his kids. In a good relationship, I don’t mind, I love doing the household stuff. Taking care of things, kids and a man. But in this situation I feel used. Not that he doesn’t show appreciation. Well, he doesn’t show it… He says he appreciates it. Big difference in showing and saying.
Thank you for saying he is more faithful to her than to me. I always felt like that, but he acts like I’m infected with the crazies when I mention that.
I don’t understand either why I haven’t put my foot down yet. Normally I’m not like this. I know what I want and I go get it… Maybe because there is more than just me involved here. If his ex doesn’t appreciate me showing up at her door, things can go more south for them. And although I don’t care for her that much, she is the type to take it out on the kids. And I don’t want to live with that, knowing she is holding back her kids from him or depriving them of love because of me.
I did try and make it work… The obligation now lies in his hands. I did more than enough for his kids to be safe from everything. But this time he has to step up. Not me. It are his kids, I have my own to look out for. And I’m not even doing a great job for them at the moment (because of this situation). It indeed is plenty of time to get attached, since I got attached to them aswell. I will not walk away for a pitty little thing, but this is big, and it’s up to him to turn it around. I did what I could, the only step left for me is to walk away if this does not change.October 23, 2017 at 12:02 pm #661956
I don’t think you should show up at her house, you should show up at swim lessons or something. And you say it is up for him to fix it because you gave him all the power. This isn’t the 1950’s. A man just doesn’t get to tell his partner, “Don’t go to swim lessons” and she has to obey. You don’t have to obey him.