This topic contains 17 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Aida 8 months, 1 week ago.
November 13, 2017 at 10:06 pm #666736
I’ve been with my boyfriend for few months, he’s been very attentive and caring and seemed very much into me. We’ve talked about a future and planned to end our LDR mid next year. Things have been easy between us, he shows me he’s interested in me every day. He’s met my mum and asks me about her whenevrr we talk. He honestly is the easiest guy to be in a relationship with. We’ve been together for 6 months so far. He’s visited several times, I’m due to visit this coming January to meet his family and friends face to face, he’d introduced me to them and they all know about me. Lately tho, last few weeks we’ve been having minor disagreements, nothing major. The disagreements were him spending more time on social media etc. After the 1st disagreement he withdrew and slowed down on sending me good morning/goodnight texts. He’d send me good morning/night every day and send have a nice day during the day as well which stopped after our first disagreement few weeks ago. It didn’t bother me as much as he still called twice a day and we’d talk for quite a bit each day. But I still do miss the gmorning/night texts tho. However, he’s been trying in that regard last couple of days. When we first started talking he’d told me about two close female friends he hangs out with, 1 married and the other they went on 1 date and he said he never saw anything with her so they decided to be friends. Both his female friends are also close friends with each other & his ex. When he started dating me, he posted pictures of us on his social media and his female friends congratulated him and went back to tell the ex about us, which he didn’t appreicate. I didnt like the dynamics of him having close female friendships and told him I wasn’t happy if he were to go out with them alone as it would make me uncomfortable, specially knowing where he went on a date with one of them who I suspect still is hoping for more. Anyway this past weekend, he went to a concert where him, his guy friend and this female friend went together. He sent me photos of them 3. I haven’t seen pics of this girl before so I asked is the girl your friend, to which he said it’s not his friend but she is his mate’s friend rather. I did a bit of a social media investigation and it turns out this girl follows him on his social media and I suspect it’s his female friend cos they have the same name, he told me. I’m just wondering why he lied about this? I know I said I wasn’t comfortable with him hanging out with her but I meant them two alone and not in a group. So why would he lie? Also he’d told me he ran into his ex at the concert and said it was awkward because his ex seemed very nervous. He said they just exchanged hello and that was it. His female friend who knows his ex said to him his ex wanted to have a chat “to clear the air” but she never talked to him after. Why would he tell me this? Is he trying to make me jealous? Should I be jealous/worried of this situation? I’m not a jealous person. He’d called me after the concert while they were leaving the venue and he told me how it went etc. I told him I was heading to the gym, let’s chat some more when he gets home. He said he’d call me as they’re all going out to eat. He never called. He said he got home late and crashed. I really see a future with this guy, but I’m not that experienced in dating so I have no idea what’s going on here. I wanted to call him earlier and confront him about this but I know that’s not the best approach. So I’m asking you ladies/gents 2 things:
1) Is he trying to make me jealous by sending me pics of him and this girl and when I asked he’d denied it was his friend but his mate’s friend rather. What do you make of this?
2) How do I approach bringing that I know the girl is his friend so why did he lie and what was the point of him telling me about his ex who they’ve sepatated in march?? (They dated for 5 months)
Please advice and thank you
November 13, 2017 at 10:17 pm #666739
Without accusing, just ask him: “By the way is that girl the same one you told me about?” He probably lied just to avoid drama. But how did you meet this guy? It sounds like you started off long distance which is very odd. A lot of things about this relationship sound a bit sketchy. I would watch him carefully and see if actions and words line up. How are you planning to be together? Are you moving? How far apart are you?
And please use paragraphs! You will get much more responses I promise.November 13, 2017 at 10:25 pm #666742
I did ask that and he said that’s not his friend but I know it is. Yes we’ve started off as LDR. He’s moving to my country as he’s looking to be transferred here. Lol I will next time!November 13, 2017 at 11:04 pm #666747
may I ask why your causing so much drama? How did you meet if you live so far? Why don’t you want him hanging out with friends and having fun? Your coming off as a ‘ball and chain’ (aka nag) and if you don’t TRUST HIM then end the relationship because trust is the foundation and if you don’t have a solid foundation then its going to fracture and fall apart.
MY BF hangs out with female friends from time-to-time, some I’ve met and others I haven’t. He’s an open book and tells me everything so I never question, never tell him what he can or cannot do, nor who he can hang out with because he’s a grown man and I treat him as such. If he wanted to be with anyone of them, then he sure as heck wouldn’t be with me!
By the way, were in an LDR (he goes out to sea for months) but I trust him 100% because if I didn’t we wouldn’t be together. He always tells me good morning, checks in during the day, and tells me good night because I make him happy, and he makes me happy—its so much easier this way!November 13, 2017 at 11:17 pm #666751
Hi lane, that’s good with you and your bf. We met cos he’s flown in to see me few times and is due to come visit for the xmas holidays. I’m not causing trouble, I’m just wondering why would he divulge this information DAYS after the concert which was on Saturday. I don’t care who hangs out with as long as it’s not alone with a female friend who was interested in him, the same female he’d denied was in the picture with him!November 13, 2017 at 11:30 pm #666753
T from NY
Some posters on here always make women feel bad if they are uncomfortable with their men hanging out with other women. When in truth there is NO wrong or right. There are generally two camps. People who do and are fine hanging with ex partners and friends of the opposite sex and people who make a general rule to avoid both.
You are NOT insecure just because he was out with this girl/a possible friend. You are feeling stressed because he lied to you. You are feeling stressed because he is supposedly having possibly heated conversations with ex girlfriends (“clearing the air” nonsense). I would not want my boyfriend to be doing any of these things.
What it comes down to is — obviously you are in an LDR. That makes determining a mans character and finding out if he is worthy of you even more difficult. Some dudes are so good at hiding who they really are that women living in the same town get fooled. Not because they are stupid. Not because they are insecure or doubtful or naggy ninnies. It’s because they make a choice to TRUST until behaviors cause to do otherwise.
I’m sorry but the way your man has been acting would definitely be considered a pink flag for me. If you want any chance of this thing working out over time (which to be honest LDRs almost always fail over time unless there is a concrete end date) — I would FaceTime or video chat on a regular basis. I would also ask your bf how he feels you should best handle concerns that come up that either of you have in the relationship? Ask him very calmly and invite him to strategize and plan with you about how they should be addressed. Then when a plan is made you need to be able to speak to him about your concerns. This is part of being in an adult relationship. Not being paranoid or overboard needy — but just lovingly, CALMLY, and respectfully expressing concerns.
If you then talk to him about all this business and if you are matter of fact about it, respectful and cam and he gaslights you or completely shuts you down — he is either — not a good guy and hiding something. Or he is an immature guy not ready for a relationship, especially an LDR which requires extra care. Everyone on this forum can guess all along what he might be up to. But truth you may never really know living that far away. You can only base your decisions on the care and consistency (or lack of) that he shows you.
Best of luckNovember 13, 2017 at 11:38 pm #666756
Because Fran men above all wants to be RESPECTED by his SO. Men thrive when they know that their partner trusts them, admires them and believes in them; when they feel disrespected they don’t come out and say “you disrespected me” so they will sting you back the way they feel they’ve been stung. Men know woman crave attention and affection and when a man takes it away he is telling you by his actions that “I feel disrespected.”
Have you ever met this lady? If not, then you are making FALSE ASSUMPTIONS based solely on how you feel without taking your partners feelings into account. When you tell him he can’t spend time alone with a female friend what he hears is “I DON”T TRUST YOU” and so if you don’t already trust him them why should he be open and honest with you? If my BF ever told me I couldn’t spend time with my guy friends, which he knows many of them, he KNOWS that would be the end of us because if he doesn’t trust me, then there’s no us.
Pick your battles very very carefully because once you go to war there are no winners.November 13, 2017 at 11:39 pm #666757
Thank you so much T. I appreciate your comment. I’ve always made it clear with Bfs that I’m not comfortable with close female friendships where they’d hang out alone and so on. I told him this from the get go and he said he wouldn’t do anything that would make me uncomfortable. So now he did hang out with her and now is denying it’s his friend. We do facetime often and he does call me twice a day. When we see each other he told me his password and lets me use his phone any time. I do trust him but I’m feeling bit uneasy about this situation and would want advice on how best i should approach, calmly and without dramaNovember 14, 2017 at 12:56 am #666768
I think I have a slightly different take than maybe others do. It seems to me that he is reacting in large part to your vibe, which to me sounds really anxious.
“Lately tho, last few weeks we’ve been having minor disagreements, nothing major. The disagreements were him spending more time on social media etc.”
What does this mean? Are you trying to control the amount of time he spends on social media? If I were him and you were doing that it would be a huge red flag.
He’s been very open about his friendships with these women, even sending you a picture of the 3 of them at the concert. If he were trying to hide something he wouldn’t have done that. It seems like he was open and natural about it until you started asking questions about who the one girl was. He told you and then you did a “social media investigation” and decided you suspect she is the friend he said she wasn’t.
If he did lie, and that’s a big if, it might have been because of what you told him before and because you’re CLEARLY worked up about the issue and in that moment he wanted to avoid drama. I’m not saying it’s okay for him to lie, I’m saying that if you’re putting off the anxious, jealous vibe that even I feel in what you wrote, I can see why he would opt for that instead of being honest.
You don’t trust him, even though he ‘s given you every reason to trust him, being very open. I think he told you about the ex at the concert because again he’s being honest and open…but look where it gets him. You are very suspicious and distrustful of his motives.
He also seems very attentive.
You seem very, very wound up about what I see as basically nothing. I think that he’s withdrawing from you more and more as you become more controlling and suspicious and then it makes you feel more anxious and suspicious.
Why are you so mistrustful? You seem to expect the worst from him.
I’m not saying you have to be okay with him having female friends, but would you really respect a guy who dumped his friends for you? I wouldn’t. If you really can’t be friends with a guy with female friends he might not be right for you.November 14, 2017 at 5:45 am #666801
Hi aida thanks for your response. It’s given me much to ponder on. About social media he spends ao muxh time on it. Sometimes instead of taking 5 seconds to text me gpod morning/night he’d be viewing my snaps or liking random posts on Instagram and facebook. Prior to having our first disagreement few weeks ago, he’d send me goodnight/morning texts every day. Now I feel like he’s taken me for granted. But he does call at least once a day, mostly twice and we do talk then. Vut I’d still like a goodnight/morning text. How do I bring this up without sounding needy?
Also I’m not distrustful but he did cheat on previous gf when he was younger but he confessed, ended things with her and felt terrible and never did it again. I do trust him though but knowing his past & hiding this does make me suspicious.November 14, 2017 at 12:00 pm #666840
Hi Fran, do you mind telling me his age?November 14, 2017 at 12:15 pm #666846
Hi nellie he’s 36November 14, 2017 at 2:37 pm #666883
I dont find him having female friends odd and he hid it from you cos he knew you’d not like it. It’s not good he lied but I can understand why he wouldNovember 14, 2017 at 6:02 pm #666913
Unless you can prove without a shadow of a doubt this is THE girlfriend he dated once and he lied then you’re going to need to drop it. I really don’t think a guy who you call your boyfriend after only having met a few times because it’s an LDR is going to work. It’s hard enough to build a relationship and emotional connection when you see each other regularly. Men don’t bond through chatting on the phone and facetime. They bond through shared experiences and spending time together. Like going to a concert which he did with another girl. Add your silly disagreements all the time eroding what little foundation you have of of a relationship and I think this has zero chance of working out for you. Only LDRS I know that work for men are where they had a real in person relationship first and then had to move for college, work, family . military. Men who start relationships long distance tend to be emotionally unavailable and like keeping someone at arms length.November 14, 2017 at 6:13 pm #666918
I honestly think you’ve stepped over a line by complaining that he uses social media too much. Monitoring and trying to control your significant other’s activities, online or otherwise, is just never good.
It’s especially concerning that you do this because he’s already very, very attentive. At least one or usually two calls a day? And good morning/good night texts too UNTIL you started monitoring his internet usage and you had the disagreement, after which he naturally wanted to assert himself. I’m having a hard time seeing why you feel taken for granted.
You keep saying you trust him and you’re not jealous, but your behavior and your words/the way you describe things says the exact opposite to me.
My impression is that you should be focusing inward and working on YOURSELF right now, not focusing all your energy and anxiety on him. I think the problem is with you and that’s what you need to work on. This would also be good because it’s in an area of things YOU can control. This is what stands out most to me:
1) You are trying to control his activities–his online/social media activities, how much/when he texts you, and who he hangs out with.
Do you understand how bad (and useless) it is to try to control other people? Other people are not our puppets, there to satisfy us and make sure we always feel good all the time/not anxious by following a script we have in our heads that we’re comfortable with. Please really think about that. Continuing on this path will make you very unhappy in all your relationships.
2) You are being very needy. He is calling you/ facetiming you twice a day!!! And it’s not enough. He is giving you tons of attention, yet you feel taken for granted. Why? What is causing this feeling of neediness and anxiety and it not being enough? Have you been like this in other relationships?
This is all of course my impression from reading everything you wrote. I have a limited view on things because I can’t see everything. But this is how it seems to me.
Hope this helps :-)November 14, 2017 at 7:48 pm #666935
I agree with Aida. You seem to be making quite unreasonable demands on his time and energy. He is withdrawing. Be light and fun so that he wants to spend time with you. Chillax!November 15, 2017 at 1:13 pm #667114
Aida- thank you so much for your great feedbacks. I really appreciate you taking the time to help me in my relationship. You’ve given me much food for thought & I’ll definitely take heed of your sound advice. Thank you. Also, since I’ve been laid back & cheerful lately, he’s been his old self again i.e cimplimenting me, saying he couldn’t wait to see me again and it’s hard to get him off the phone when we talk cos he says he really enjoys talking to me. I’m gonna chill out more and focus on myself more.November 15, 2017 at 11:57 pm #667247
I’m really glad to hear it, Fran.
I believe we create our own reality with the thoughts in our head. If we’re full of anxiety and focusing on very negative things and expecting bad things to happen, things go downhill. Because we’re thinking and feeling those things it changes our behavior, and we make our fears come true.
You being laid-back and cheerful is perfect!