This topic contains 93 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Jenna 1 month ago.
September 28, 2016 at 11:13 am #567472
lucy – i have the same type of guy as you. we have been togethor now for 20months- makes me feel in person that we have something totally magical, says he would be crushed if we split, worries about me meeting another guy, we’ve expressed exclusivity to each other – so leaves me totally baffled too that when he is away for weeks, that he can go for so many days without wanting contact of any kind. this recent time of him away brought his record worse of a week and a half!no calls! but when he finally calls he’s like a bouncy puppy like everything is still as normal!! at that point i told him i need more reg calls and he improved it back to four days. people say there are other better men out there, but i feel so awsome with this guy when we actually talk or see each other, he has done so much for me toward improving my life- i cant see myself with anyone but him, but the lack of contact thing makes me wonder if im respecting myself enough, am i being taken for a total sucker? i question my sanity all the time. ive cried on my girlfriends shoulders and even taken valium ive been so upset. but when he calls and talks – its like what they say about a true friend – its like no time has passed at all! so im afraid i dont have the answer but a lot of empathy re the similar questions and doubts
September 28, 2016 at 11:28 am #567474
There are some VERY patient women! 20 months with this type of a rollercoaster? Taking valium and crying and yet thinking everything is “awesome”. You certainly like him and that’s why you feel “awesome” with him but he is not treating you well. A week and a half without contact? Then AFTER you complain, he brings it down to four? Wow, he is being generous, isn’t he?
You don’t need to feel like a “sucker” but you do need to face the situation: you are not a priority to him and you don’t know what he is up to in his days “off”. He knows what to say to you to keep you excited, that’s for sure. But when a guy loves you, he wants to see you and be with you. You don’t need to be asking for it or demanding attention, it should come naturally.
In your shoes I’d stop crying, ask him to stop contacting me, and start looking for someone who’d want to see me and be with me, who’d enjoy spending time with me, talking to me, etc.September 28, 2016 at 11:47 am #567477
Anon and Lucy, I totally understand you ladies. I am going through this myself right now — today is exactly 7 days since we last communicated and I do not expect him to message me. This is not the first time either, sometimes I have been the one reaching out to him first and sometimes he has reached out to me. Usually this distancing happens to us after we had an argument — nothing major but he withdraws when he feels I am not believing in him / trusting. Deep down I know I can trust him completely and he does express everything to me but when he doesn’t communicate for a couple of days, I begin to doubt him. It is natural to feel this way, most of us women react this way. In part is precisely because time and time again we are reminded that men due to their “nature” are always or almost always on the prowl. I am not so sure this is true. My conscious self is fully aware that when a man loves a woman and truly loves her, no other woman will compare to her so he has no wondering eye or thoughts. It really upsets me when I read the usual generalization that ALL MEN have a desire to check out other females. That is the problem that makes us women doubt the man we are with and that is also what fuels our distrust in them which is many times very unfair. Yes, there are men who are never satisfied with just one woman and there are many men who are perfectly content with the woman they love and have no eyes for anyone else, even when there are women out there who try to get him to notice them. Faithful men DO EXIST. Now, there are many reasons why your boyfriends may not be contacting you. You must have an idea, since by now you should know him enough. I know how mine is after an argument and he himself has even told me this in his own words — I KNOW SOMETIMES I ACT LIKE A CHILD AFTER WE ARGUE, I WITHDRAW. He is perfectly aware of what he is doing, and i have told him how it makes me feel when he does that. Has che changed? NO. So, I came to the conclusion that his need to withdraw is something that is inherent in most or all men, in order to gather their thoughts and feelings about the situation. We girls talk about things — we are here are we not? Venting our frustration, right? Ok, so they go to their cave and stay there until they cool down. I learned that the best course of action is for me to let him be and stay in his cave. He can have all the time in the world. In the meantime I am off his radar. I do my things — go to the gym, work, interact with family and friends. In other words, I LIVE MY LIFE. And that is an important point because the last thing you want is to come across to him as a woman whose entire life depends on his attention to you! That lowers your value in his eyes (mind you that this is not a conscious ocurrence for men). Let him see you as a woman of substance who continues to live her life with or without him. Let him realize in your absence that if he decides to not come back, you are fine with it. There are other men out there so you do have options. You don’t need to tell him this in words, you need to let him realize this by himself and the only language they fully understand is action. If he doesn’t write to you in days, you DO NOT write to him. Stay off the radar. He will start to wonder where you are, what you are doing and why you are not writing. In other words, he will feel what you feel when he is not writing to you. But remember that this is not a game, you need to do this not to give him a taste of his own medicine but rather you are doing it to prove to yourself that your life goes on with him or without him. You are an individual with your own feelings, thoughts, dreams. He is a part of those thoughts, feelings and dreams yes but only if he truly wants to be. LIVE YOUR LIFE, LET HIM SEE THAT AND HE WILL VALUE YOU MUCH MORE.September 28, 2016 at 6:01 pm #567598
thx girls – i apreciate all input, and unfortunately also due to this, that i see a point in everyones perspective, i get conflicted with what action to take. it seems to be mostly articles written by women that say actions speak louder than words so if a guys not calling he doesnt really care, but then whenever ive read articles written by men, it appears that this behaviour is more the normal and they are just in their own head space doing ‘stuff’ and like josie has said like women who can be independently doing their own ‘stuff’ in that time. even eric charles says so. and the thing is – im doing all what ive read in all sorts of advice re relationships – im leaving him be/trying not to be ‘needy chasing woman’, i go to gym classes most days, i have my own two children 50% access time, i work part time in a job place that i love, i go out to restaurants with girlfriends, i go to church most sundays and i phone talk to my bff’s all the time, and i chat on places like this. im not short of doing stuff, and so it leaves me confused. men say to leave them have space and to be happy when they return, and this is a common normal thing? so im like well they are the male species saying this so they ought to know being actually male, so are the males that call more regularly, actually being authentic? do the girls receiving reg calls have any more of their mens hearts than us girls who have more ‘space time’ men? is there any more guarantee that calling more equals not being cheated on? my ex use to call every day but turned out to be one of his controlling methods, so when i felt like crying, its firstly because i am missing him terribly, and then secondly, its because there’s so much info now these days i dont know which info i should take action on, and i dont want to say goodbye to a beautiful man if in his heart he truly does love me but needs time in space for his own life healing journey. my guy is 53, has a 20yr old son he is trying to mentor into getting his life in order, whilst coping with being out of work himself – and getting looked over as too old for the jobs he’s done his whole life, plus had major surgeries to recover from. so i know he has ‘stuff’ on his mind. so i do my stuff, but then get stuck in the – should i call him or not call him, if i call him and he doesnt pick up – then i feel like ive failed the ‘do not pursue’ rules, if i dont call/live in silence and he calls after 5-6 days, i feel like, ok the men writers were right about they do come back, but then like maria has said – what kind of life is that for the girls side? so im still yet to decide, my choices are 1) continue as same,2) just ignore and fade out (which i hate and cant handle) 3) tell him im not coping and leaving – and risk leaving a guy that maybe he is the one im supposed to be with? we dont know the future. the day i decide to leave maybe the day he was about to commit to moving togethor or something. life isnt always dictated by immediate now gratifications
hmmmm so i just pray to god to heal my indecisionSeptember 28, 2016 at 9:32 pm #567645
i also remember eric stating that its not just the act of a woman ‘not calling’ thats being ‘not needy’ its the actual beholding of a certain carefree non clingy attitude thats the apparently the deal. this is the part thats hard to do when anxiety and doubt takes over. i feel that i do love this guy as a person, but when apart im so ruled by the literature of who’s pursuing who, im frozen as to the right thing to do in regards to if its ok for a girl to call or not.its now 5 days again. we didnt really argue, all seemed well, so i just dont know if calling him is going to make me feel any better or notSeptember 29, 2016 at 9:27 pm #567955
Hi, somewhat of the same situation here . i need advice.. Back in i’f say around May a guy Dm me on instagram we don’t know each other in person yet. Days passed and he asked for my # so we started texting he has a job and so do i. He would text me everyday along the day, goodmorning/goodnight texts and slowly i started to notice he wouldn’t text me as consistently like we used to. That did bothered me but i couldn’t really do anything. The texts became longer to respond and i treated him the same he treated me. I understand if he was busy or something, i didn’t want him to think i needed his attention at all times. Well anyways he would not reply to my texts but he’ll view my snapchat story/he would post or even like my selfies on ig. So i decided to just not text him back and let it go if he didnt want to text me it just isnt meant to be, keep in mind that when we first started talking we were flirting and texted alot through out the day ans everyday.. That’s how i knew things started to change once he would text me much. Or am i over reacting? From flirting.. He suddenly told me hr just wanted to be friends. I kind of hurt a little becuase he had said he wanted something serious.. But idk something changes his mind. So i just went along with it and said ok. I kept a little distance idk why it just wasnt the same. A moth passes by and he dm through ig not text to ask if im not going to talk to him anymore or what.. I got a little mas so i responded with the phrase the way you treat me i treat you. And all he said was Bye. So i responded ” like you once said you coukd care less if i talk to you or not. Bye” and left at me as seen. I think he hmu because i havent posted anything on social media or view his snapchat. Was i wrong to think the way i do ? Can someone help..September 29, 2016 at 10:40 pm #567963
He’s not interested based on how infrequently he sees you. No one is that busy. He’s keeping you around in case he gets bored or lonely. I would cut it off with him. No need to announce it, but the next time you hear from him, just let him know you don’t want to see each other anymore. No need to explain yourself to him.September 30, 2016 at 12:02 am #567972
I’m with Maria on this.
You’re in a toxic relationship if it leads you to tears and vallium, even if it is good at the times when he decides to give you attention.
As for the cave thing, I think it’s a case of women interpreting sensible observations, then using them to justify bad behaviour and a guy who just isn’t that bothered. Yes men retreat, go quiet and don’t communicate well at times. But this is an occasional thing, when they’re stressed, busy, upset etc. Not all the time! And they don’t leave you hanging. They may dissappear for a day perhaps but most of the time they are still present, just quiet.
They want to see you and be with you if they like you. It’s as simple as that! It really is. It’s only difficult, complicated and causing anxiety because I think all of you know deep down these guys aren’t that into you. You feel you have to play the game of cool girlfriend to keep them around. You know you’re never going to get what you want from these relationships but you’re not quite ready to give up.
I’ve been there and it’s horrible! All I can say is it won’t get better. They’re not going to suddenly see the light and fall in love. They’re never going to want to marry you if they don’t want to spend that much time with you. You’re never going to feel safe and content in your relationship. It really is a waste of time and energy.September 30, 2016 at 6:41 pm #568120
Pt2. After he said bye he left me at seen on instagram dm yesterday. I assumed it was left like that. He then responded today(next day) saying or jokingly in a way saying if i tought i was important.. Should i reply or just view it and not say anything. Help please.October 4, 2016 at 10:08 am #568824
I’ve been in a simliar situation recently with a guy that I’ve been talking to off and on for about a year online. We started out as just friends and would talk off and on every so often, until a little over a month ago it turned flirtatious. We started talking everyday/ every other day about our daily lives, the conversations also started to turn sexual. We started making plans to hangout, but then he started dissappearing mid conversation, and started taking days to respond. So I decided to ask him about it. His response was that he was just bad about wondering off and getting side tracked, but that he did like mel. I also asked him if it was just a sexual thing for him, he just reiterated the part about being bad at wandering off, then said he wanted to get to know one another but that it would be a little bit at a time. Other then a short response to one message, we haven’t talked in over two weeks. I realized I was always making the effort and wanted to see if I stopped if he would try. And he hasn’t. He hasn’t read my last two messages to him, even though I see him online everyday. As much as I like him, and don’t want to believe it, I think for him it was merely an attempt at trying to get sex from me.October 4, 2016 at 10:12 am #568825
Also a BIG part of me worries that I scared him off by asking him about this, was it too soon after it turned flirtatious to ask if he really wanted us to get to know each other? I just didn’t want to get emotionally invested in someone if he was only after one thing.October 12, 2016 at 4:13 pm #570409
so my situation is a little different…
I started talking to this guy again after almost a year that we had stopped talking because of the distance. I live in Florida and he lives in Connecticut. (yeah I know) We got connected last month and been talking everyday but its been 2 days since we have spoken. the conversations started getting shorter and the wouldn’t go anywhere. I would try to make conversation but all I would get out of him was “yeah” ok cool” etc. last thing he said, 2 days ago, was that he would talk to me later and he hasn’t texted me. he is coming in December so we had plans to hang out but now i’m not sure.. I don’t know if I should text him.. he’s a really nice guy and he has told me he is into me but now im doubtful..October 19, 2016 at 10:01 am #571899
I have been with my BF for abt 1 yr & 2 months.. it’s been a little rough for me. I know he has he’s own prbs but honestly how hard is it to TEXT?? I get so frustrated with him and all he says is that he has he’s own prbs etc.. it’s been a week now & he hasn’t texted me because we had little argument. I really miss him.. am not Gna msg him either Bc he shud. Other times aftr arguments he wud ask abt me but dis time he hasn’t msged me in a week and it’s driving me crazy. idk wat to do :( I tried to do othr things to keep my focus frm him but it’s just too hard and I rely hope he does msg me. – any suggestions? ThanksOctober 19, 2016 at 10:10 am #571903
texting is not a relationship. you should aim for a real man with a voice, an actual human person, living body, eye contact, etc. you sure dont ask for much out of a guy. you should raise your standards and keep them up . your a cheap date, you require nothing, no effort , just finger tapping, you dont have very high standards for yourselfOctober 19, 2016 at 10:17 am #571906
“he wud ask abt me but dis time”,
“am not Gna msg him either Bc he shud” – if this is how you message I would not want to message with you either.
He is your BF, do you see him often? go on dates? do things together? then why do you need texting? Texting is good to schedule and reschedule and for cute little flirts. You need to get off the texting train, for your own good.
however. If you had an arguement and he is giving you silent treatment this is not a good thing. He knows how to get to you, he knows what hurts you so he is doing it just that. You need to stop playing games and communicate normally. Tell him what you’d like of him in a nice way. If he continues to push these buttons after you reach out to him in an honest and vulnerable way then he is not the right guy for you. Do you want to be dealing with these things all the time?October 19, 2016 at 10:22 am #571908
I agree with you guys & I have told him several times how he’s behavior effect me. He’s a rely nice guy but he’ just makes things complicated. He’s always into he’s friends and doing other things but does not have time to talk which hurts me the most. From my side I have done a lot for us to be together but idk why he’s acting weird at times. I feel lyk he’mite be seeing someone else but I don’t know for sure. Last time I made it clear to him tht if he is seeing anyone thn I cannot do this relationship and he said no nothing is like that. He’s always busy with friends and work etc I just don’t know what else to do.October 19, 2016 at 10:28 am #571913
Yes we do see other & do things together but sometimes if I ask him to see me then he always have something with he’s friends or family. I understand he has other things to do so I don’t force him But I have tld him that I don’t lyk how he always have things to do when I ask him to see me.. nyhow he does make time and all..but thn all of sudden things come up.. I was at wrk last week so he was Gna come see me aftr he’s class thn all of sudden he said he has URGENT work to do at home.. which pissed me off lyk what work you have @9 that you can’t come..that day we had argument next day he msged me but wouldn’t reply after few hrs ..it was just 1 word text and since thn I haven’t heard from him and I din msg him either because he pissed me off.October 19, 2016 at 10:36 am #571915
Ok thanx Annie. I tried to make it work but it’s him..he always have things going on and can’t make up time for me anymore .. as far as the text.. I mean texting when we don’t see each other..I always tell him let’s go out to places ..do something but he just had excuses.. it’s hard to explain but I hope you know what I meanOctober 19, 2016 at 11:37 pm #572078
Anon- what they mean by “actions” Is the amount of time he invests in you does it increase the longer you have known him? Women need to know with men texting and calling means very little unless he’s already in love with you and especially then it may be scarce. Never use that as a guide map to how he feels about you it takes zero effort to text I do it all day long for work and get no enjoyment out of it so why presume with a guy this is the end all be all of how he feels? You said texting all day well guess what? that really means in all likelihood he is bored and you’re the one willing to text him back all day. And when you do this with him you take all the fun out of chasing you. He’ll never say so because it’s innate something subconscious men don’t think but are driven by “the chase”. Texting him all day diminishes your value in his eyes. As a few people already tried to say and I will say the lack of EFFORT to see you for weeks at a time, regardless of your schedule, is all you need to know. If that has repeated since feb then take the hint now before you get hurt. He is popping up now and then to keep you interested should any of the other women he’s seeing become less interesting to him and so your priority will then increase. This is not to say he dislikes you but you’re not interesting enough TO HIM to consistently make time for. If you were he’d ask no matter what your schedule was. To be blunt I think you’re wasting your time and possibly don’t want to accept that it failed with this guy. Put yourself first and find a guy who wants to see you and spend time with you.October 20, 2016 at 3:57 am #572096
I totally get ur point Nina..you suggest anything else? We all go thro ups and downs in relationship..& maybe am trusting him too much and I shouldn’t..October 20, 2016 at 9:55 am #572131
Did you write that book, “the rules “? Your advice is on point with that book… Which by the way, has done wonders and changed me, my understanding of men, and my life in general, all for the better!!
Every woman NEEDS to read it.
Great advice, btw!!October 20, 2016 at 11:10 am #572139
Then why are you wondering if a guy from 8 years ago wants more gain sex with you? Just wondering. Because you don’t seem to be using the book to guide you through a pretty obvious decision.October 20, 2016 at 11:13 am #572140
Cut him loose. Block him on WhatsApp and other messenger applications and block his phone numbers and text messages on your phone. He is not interested. If he was, he would climb Mount Everest barefoot to see you. By blocking him it sends a clear message to him that you have recognised him as a game player and believe you deserve more. I’ve just done it. And now I am calm because I don’t grab the phone off the table each time it beeps hoping it will be from him, I know that I have empowered myself by blocking him from ever reaching me. He may see it and feel insulted. So what? Be insulted you pompous ass!October 20, 2016 at 11:25 am #572142
No I haven’t read that book. Just done alot of reading on the site and others starting about 2 years ago. My boyfriend and I had broken up and I didn’t even realize it was because I was being needy until I found this site. We’ve been back together a year and a half and he’s looking at engagement rings now!! I credit this site with helping me get him back so I try to come on here and give advice when I can. Paying it forward I guess. :)October 31, 2016 at 11:54 pm #574962
So me and my ex boyfriend actually know each other from roleplay. After we broke up, we decided to stay as friend and we did like its been two months since we’ve talked as friend and everything is going fine till last wednesday. He havent text me nack till now, its been almost 6 days and im so worried. 8 dont know where to contact him except his Kakao Galk (a korean messenger). I am worried that he leave me just like this and im also worried of his health too like is he doing fine? Or he is just so busy? Cause he is in his last year and he is a very busy person, he normally take long to reply and im used to it, he also ever ignored my text for 2 days and im ok with it since im used to it. But its been 6 days now and im worried… idk what to do. Help 😭