This topic contains 21 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Sweetspicy 1 year ago.
May 7, 2019 at 4:09 pm #749063
Does this mean he likely never will love me? We are both divorced and in our late 30s, have children and live an hour from each other. I can tell he’s very cautious and since we don’t see each other as often as I’d like due to schedules (1-2 times per wk), the relationship has progressed at an extremely slow pace. We haven’t met each others’ children yet either.
I would say in the past 1 1/2 months, things are a little better in the sense that we are seeing each other whenever we both don’t have our kids, and things seem to be more relaxed, more comfortable, stabilized if you will. However, I can’t shake the feeling that there is something wrong because he hasn’t told me he loves me. Some of my friends say it’s still too early, especially since things have moved very slow, but some say it’s a red flag and that he likely will never feel that way about me if he hasn’t already. Thoughts?May 7, 2019 at 4:20 pm #749068
I am dating a divorced man, 11 months in….
He said the love word 6 months in, actually he wrote it in a card as opposed to say it to me in person…after that 1st time, he says it every couple of days…
We also just met each other kids this past weekend as “friend”….
So still early and no rush neededMay 7, 2019 at 4:43 pm #749073
It’s a two hour round trip for a date. Have you discussed if it would ever be possible to close that gap? My guess is that with children probably not since they are in schools and have to share custody with your exes. 8 months is a long time. Have you both discussed what you want out of this? Some men can go on dating like this for years..just for the sex and companionship. I do think a man knows by now if he loves you and you are probably asking this because you already love him. I would explore what his end game is out of dating. Has he been divorced very long?May 7, 2019 at 4:54 pm #749076
We haven’t discussed closing that gap because yes, our kids and exes make that difficult so unfortunately, we will have to deal with that distance.
We’ve never discussed what we both want out of this either. But I recall we spoke vaguely months ago and probably on the same page. If he and I never marry and have kids, I’m ok with that. But I do want someone whom I can share my life with .May 7, 2019 at 5:02 pm #749077
It’s difficult for a man to bond with you when he can’t spend time with you. Being together is what creates that bond and closeness. Does he ever want to remarry? You really should discuss what he wants out of this. This could just be a fwb to him and it doesn’t sound like that’s what you want. Long distance for years is difficult. If he wants someone he can be with more spontaneously and often you aren’t going to be the one. Likewise how happy are you really just meeting once or twice a week indefinitely? I assume even if you meet each other’s kids it wouldn’t be appropriate to have overnights. You don’t say how long he has been divorced or how much he dated before meeting you.May 7, 2019 at 5:14 pm #749078
Sorry, I forgot to include that info- he’s been divorced almost 5 years now. I didn’t get into detail on how much he dated before me but on our first date, he did mention that his relationships were very short because they “wanted to move too fast”, and wanted to meet his kids early on. And he was not comfortable with that and said no one has met his kids yet. Three months into our relationship, when I decided to have “the talk” with him and tell him I do not want a FWB or F buddy, I wanted something more than that, he acknowledged he wanted the same thing and said he was a bit insulted that I would think he may have considered me to be anything less. He also said I was the most serious relationship and feels more serious about me than the previous women, since he’s been divorced. So this goes to show he hasn’t had the best relationships.
I asked him if he ever wanted to remarry one day- this was about 5 months ago or so, and he wasn’t very clear, he was indifferent I guess.May 7, 2019 at 5:22 pm #749080
Has he attempted to integrate you in his life in other ways outside the kids? Family, friends? He should at least be doing some of that. Does he use social media and share pics of the two of you? Does he call you his girlfriend?May 7, 2019 at 5:38 pm #749081
I met one friend beginning of January, then a couple weeks later, he brought me to a birthday dinner where I met 20+ friends. Then about a month and a half ago, he finally took me to his grandma’s house so I finally met her. She’s very important to him so it felt nice that he finally felt comfortable to bring me over to her place. He introduced me by name to her, didn’t say “my girlfriend”. But we are rarely put in the place where there would be dialogue with others in which he will need to acknowledge me as his girlfriend. Back in January, a stranger at the Starbucks line started conversing with us, then turned to him asking if I was his girlfriend. And he said “yes she is”. Then a few weeks later, he left a message with his friend saying “my girl and I…” but the word “girlfriend” hasn’t come out because we haven’t been in the position to say it I guess, if that makes any sense? :)
As far as social media goes, I am positive he has no photos of us on there. He’s very private, hates photos. As a matter of fact, this past weekend, I wanted the waitress to take a photo of us and mentioned to him, and he just looked at me and sort of laughed like he didn’t want to. He said he just hates photos and will rarely be part of a group photo. I don’t have any social media accounts so I’m not friends with him on any platform. I did try to look at his IG and of course it’s private, but to further confirm he isn’t a big photo guy and isn’t big on social media (his words), his profile photo is still of him and his son when his son was only 2… and he’s 9 now. I have to admit I tried looking a few times these past 8 months to see if the photo has changed and it’s been the same.May 7, 2019 at 5:49 pm #749082
Op – I think your guy is moving slowly with all the additional info that you provided…
Me and my BF were exclusive 3 months in, and another 3 weeks we were GF/BF…. His friends /coworkers/families all know me… and he from time to time talk about moving in together in the future, when’s kids are older…Kids are teen now..
So, yes, he is a bit slow… and my guy was separated for 2 years had 2 FWB when we met…May 7, 2019 at 5:51 pm #749083
Last question. Does he discuss the future? Taking trips together? It sounds like he is into you. I personally couldn’t stand how slow this is progressing but looks like you don’t have a choice. When I was dating my now husband he couldn’t help himself but introduce me directly as his girlfriend he was so proud. But all guys are different. I’d give him a little more time but at some point you are going to need to ask what he wants long term or you could be wasting a lot of time with a man who may not want a more permanent commitment. If he doesn’t want you to meet the kids yet he isn’t feeling a lasting feeling with you yet. That is the usual reason parents hold back. They don’t want their kids attaching to someone that will likely not be a more permanent mate.May 7, 2019 at 5:54 pm #749084
I assume you love him enough to have him meet your kids?May 7, 2019 at 6:05 pm #749086
So do you think this is more so that he’s just proceeding with caution and wanting to move slow, not necessarily that he’s not interested or into me?
A trip was brought up very casually a few times in the past few months but we haven’t been on a trip yet. We do t really discuss the future, we are sort of “in the moment” conversationalists. The difficult part about this though, is the schedule. We have the same weekends together when we don’t have our kids, however, my weekend ends on the Monday, his ends on the Sunday. And he works Saturdays, so we only have Saturday early evening until Sunday morning together, so that limits us if we want to even just do a weekend getaway. Then we will have one weekday a week together without kids and we spend that night together as well. Your right, I have no choice.
I most certainly do love him enough to have him meet my kids at this point. It’s sad to read that the reason why I haven’t met his yet is because he’s still unsure about me. I’m willing to give this more time to see if it progresses. To some, 8 months is a short amount of time. Perhaps he feels this way.May 7, 2019 at 6:18 pm #749088
Do you go on dates or just do sleepovers. You both must have vacation time, he can’t take a Friday and Saturday off for a weekend away? Idk. This is a tough one because I haven’t had to deal with such difficult schedules and kids. He doesn’t seem very transparent about his intentions. So far you have had to pull information out of him including his opinion on marriage and even then he is vague. I wouldn’t be happy with a man after 8 months not having more future talk. Especially if he says he is serious about you. If he is he’s going super super slow and many women like yourself would question where they stand.May 7, 2019 at 6:34 pm #749089
I’m sorry but you absolutely have a choice in this! You need to be honest with him about what you want and looking for and if he’s not going to at least try to meet some of your requirements then what do you really have?
I think you need to have an honest conversation that you understand why he’s been leery to do this and that but there’s been enough time to move it towards something you can feel more secure in, including a commitment even if it not on paper but it needs to be something to indicate that your not going o stay stuck in a perpetual state of nowhere!
Men aren’t afraid to talk about it as long as you don’t try to control the situation and can negotiate on the things you need as well as him and find a solution that brings you closer, not stuck in limbo.May 7, 2019 at 8:41 pm #749107
@Karen, yes we do go on dates, but they’re pretty much just dinner dates because we see each other evenings due to the schedules. When he’s near my work, we will meet up briefly mid morning for coffee or a quick lunch. Plus he’s very very much an introvert. Being around a large crowd drains him and he’s very low key, prefers quiet nights. I’m the same way, but not that extreme, so it doesn’t bother me.
@Lane, when I said I didn’t have a choice, I meant that I didn’t have a choice with how much time we spent together. We are spending every single day we can possibly spend together when our custody schedules align so we are at the max right now. :) But I know what you mean- I do have a choice as to whether or not I’d like to continue this.
I just don’t know what to do. I love the guy, and I feel like I’m at the point where if I ended it, the thought of never seeing him again really hurts. Yet I know all of my needs aren’t being met.May 7, 2019 at 9:09 pm #749112
What needs arent getting met? I see a relationship just fine but you miss the long term perspective. Ask him about itMay 7, 2019 at 9:24 pm #749113
Hi Newbie, it’s the emotional needs that aren’t being met. And I completely understand some guys just don’t say mushy things or words of affirmation, but when my BF would at least say it before (first few months of our relationship), albeit not very often, he was still capable of it. Now he just doesn’t at all. The first few months he would text that couldn’t wait to see me, or I’ll get a sweet good morning or good night text, he’s told me that he missed me, he would compliment me. He doesn’t even do that anymore. If I tell him I miss him, he’ll say it too, but won’t say it first. If I text that I can’t wait to see him, he *may* say it too. This is about the extent of his “sweet words”. I sent him a text yesterday just greeting him and letting him know I was thinking about him and missed being in his arms. Things I felt comfortable saying from months ago because he would say those things and if I did, he would reciprocate. He addressed everything in said text, however, the “missed being in your arms” part was ignored. I just got a generic response saying he had a pretty loaded day at work and was now with his kids and hoped my day was going well.
And I seem to always be the one to text or call first, when it was 50/50 before. It had been bothering me so I brought this up to him last week and he did not know it was a concern and said he would put more effort. Only once last week did he finally text first. Since my text yesterday, I have not heard from him. It’s like he’s a different guy when we are physically next to each other. And we are supposed to see each other tomorrow but I’m beginning to feel like an idiot if I reach out in the afternoon asking “Uh, hey are we still on for tonight?”May 7, 2019 at 10:00 pm #749121
Op – fhe more you said, the more concerning it looks…
11months in, my BF still calls every night …. and initiation is 50/50…. your guy does not seem very keenMay 7, 2019 at 10:12 pm #749122
This is not a man in love. I know that’s a leap, but a man who really loves you will take the time to reach out to you, let you know he cares and not act this aloof. Maybe he’s fading because of how isn’t pitting much effort in that is telling. Might even be why he’s divorced. Do you always have to drive to his place or does he at least put in effort there? This doesn’t appear to be advancing. You should be getting closer not feeling farther apart. I would have a discussion with him tomorrow. Put it out in the table and let him know the deal. Others might disagree but I think you have nothing to lose at this point if you tell him your feelings have grown and you don’t feel he is in that same page. See what he says. Then you will know.May 7, 2019 at 11:42 pm #749130
This is your second post. Changing your name and story isn’t going to change how he feels about you.
Time to put it out there and ask him if he loves you and if its nothing but a HELL YES, then sticking around isn’t going to make it happen. Leaving might if he truly fears losing you. If not then at least you have your answer and can find be open to finding the man who will.May 16, 2019 at 12:12 am #750106
Not a Lei – I am only testing how it all works.May 16, 2019 at 5:34 am #750122
2 hours is a long distance relationship.