This topic contains 42 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Lane 3 days, 13 hours ago.
March 15, 2019 at 11:31 am #742933
No amon, you’re wrong as I have been through it myself when my ex-husband went through a major depression because of a work issue. After three months I reached my END POINT because it was dragging the entire household down in a very negative way to the point even the kids didn’t want to be at home!! I finally gave him an ULTIMATUM—FIX IT or the kids and I are leaving! He fixed it.
It’s not fair or right for ONE person to negatively affect or impact the lives of others just because they are going through a rough patch! If you want to FEED into someone’s depression or sadness then knock yourself out but not everyone has to nor wants to.
It’s not her BF’s FAULT that her dog died and she fell into a depression, just as it wasn’t my fault that my ex-husband had a work issue and fell into a depression but the kids and I were the one’s paying the price for it! I’m sure he’s said and done everything he could to sympathize with her loss but for several weeks NOTHING he nor anyone else has said or done has helped her. I’m sure he feels as powerless as I did when I couldn’t help my ex get out of his and finally had to DO SOMETHING about it because we couldn’t keep living that way.
It’s time for HER to work on and fix whatever is going on with her. I gave her some suggestions where I believe a ‘time out’ is warranted due to the emotional state she and he are in at the moment so they don’t say something they will regret when the emotions have calmed down. There is nothing wrong with TAKING SPACE, it’s an effective way of diffusing a situation v. making it worse when people aren’t in the right headspace. I gave my kids “time outs” and it was an effective tool to get them to calm down and could only come out (reapproach each other) when they could be ‘nice’ to each other again.March 15, 2019 at 11:46 am #742934
There is nothing wrong with taking space, but shutting a depressed person out after a fight with zero communication is a heck of a lot different than saying “hey, you are depressed, it’s wearing on me, and I need some space”.
And we actually don’t know what he has done (or not done) other than refuse to talk to her after she apologized for an argument about his lack of communication. He could also just break up with her and put an end to it.
It’s a pretty well known thing in therapy/psychiatrics etc that stonewalling people is a form of manipulation. You did not actually stonewall your ex- you COMMUNICATED. The problem with this guy isn’t that he is perhaps not being supportive, its that he is not communicating with her, thereby stonewalling her. He’s teaching her not to criticize him/ask for more by providing negative reinforcement. It’s emotional abuse with the same effect that punching her in the face for saying the same thing would have done. It says “I’m not working thru issues with you- here, enjoy some pain for bringing it up”. It may not be as violent/damaging as physical abuse, but over time it adds up.
The OP knows she was wrong to pester him and owns her role in this. And she apologized.March 15, 2019 at 1:24 pm #742944
Anon, I am going by what the OP said and what others are feeling too as her depression is also impacting others and not just him.
I’m sure her BF said something about the loss of her dog when it happened, as did others, because if he didn’t I’m sure she would have mentioned that fact. All she said is “some people think I overreact” which could be her BF, boss, co-workers, parents/family, friends??? She didn’t specify WHO the “some people” (plural not singular) were and if it was indeed her BF then he did communicate what he felt/was feeling and she negated it because she was too wrapped up in her own to realize how it was affecting or impacting others.
There was a lot of stonewalling on BOTH my exes and my part too. I was hoping (probably like her BF is/was) that it would resolve itself quickly because I had never dealt with a depressed person before and my ex had never suffered from depression so we didn’t know how to properly navigate it which is why it went on for too long and ended up at the point it did. My experience was on the other side of the coin, in line with the ‘some people’ she was referring to in her original post and trying to provide HER with some helpful advice to change her mindset because her DEPRESSION is the underlying root/cause of how they’ve come to this point and its on her to “fix it” or her BF may very well say “adios!”March 15, 2019 at 2:25 pm #742957
a major detail
A lot of you are missing the point but Crisula pointed it out. She took her pain and grief out on him with some “bad words” — She might have crossed the line with that tactic and no apology would fix it for him. She owned it but still it might not help.
I personally do not want to be with someone who takes their pain out on me before they are able to process it. I actually was dating someone great a while back and everything was wonderful. One morning at brunch he got a call about some work problem. He spent the rest of the meal berating me for various reasons. After the meal I left quickly to try and figure out what had just happened and I realized he was one of those people. I broke it off soon after — I don’t like to be someone’s punching bag (not literally, but verbally) while they process their issues. I’ll listen and be a supporter when working out your pain, but when you aim it at me, no.
But that was my choice, we each have choices in life. Maybe it was this guy’s choice too.March 15, 2019 at 3:03 pm #742969
Lane, I clearly said in my post I’m not expecting him to coddle her for weeks. And I’m not one to have emotional meltdowns all the time so if I’m upset my husband knows it’s serious. I’m not some drama queen or one who can’t handle my emotions. There have been several times when I told my husband not to rearrange things even back when we were dating because I was fine. But HE made the choice to have someone else step in for him so he could be with me. So yes he’s come in from out of town business and had one of his employees cover for him so he could be with me. It was a cousin’s death and her funeral and I told him he didn’t need to be there but he wanted to be. And HE left work in the middle of a huge project to be with me the day we got my mom’s cancer diagnosis and found out she had 6-12 months to live. He actually wanted me to just stop where I was so he could come get me because he was worried about me driving in my mental state. I told him I would fine and could make it home from the hospital. I didn’t EXPECT him to do it but he did it because he loves me.
And there have been many times I’ve had to drop everything to be there for him when it was the last thing in the world I wanted to be doing. So while I’ll agree everyone has limits to what they can tolerate ignoring a person because they’re grieving and you don’t feel like dealing with it is selfish. I don’t care how you want to paint it about your tolerance levels and your capacity for empathy and your negative state of mind. All I hear is YOU, YOU, YOU. It’s all about YOU and not how anyone else feels or their needs. Thank God I didn’t marry someone like YOU!! And yes I would DUMP someone who behaved the way you describe in a hot minute! Men don’t want emotionless Stepford wives any more than we want macho men who can’t show emotion or communicate their feelings.March 15, 2019 at 5:22 pm #742977
Kaye I don’t appreciate you twisting my words!!! It is not about ME, or her BF, itis about HER and her inability to cope. She has every right to be depressed and sad if she wishes to and her BF has the same right not to be around a chronically depressed person. He’s not her daddy, husband or even fiance’ so he has no legal, moral or ethical duty to stay with her if it’s becoming too much for him to handle or bear.
Just cause you lived with a chronically unhappy person (your ex) for many years doesn’t mean you get a reward for doing so. You eventually reached your ‘done point’, as did I, and it’s possible her BF has too? I provided her with some actionable steps to hopefully get to a better place mentally, not for her BF but for herself!
All you’ve done is disagree and attack me personally plus her BF but I haven’t seen you give any helpful advice to the OP. So do you have any other than the perverbial “dump him?”March 15, 2019 at 5:25 pm #742978
I just have to laugh out loud. You know who you are and you always have to have the last word. I think it’s recognizing that all situations are not like yours, but that’s hard to do sometimes.March 15, 2019 at 7:35 pm #742998
A major detail, you and Crisula are right in that she glossed over that part and could very well have been ‘major’ enough for him to take a huge step back or step out? I would be interested in what was actually said to him that she had to apologize for it. I also wonder what their ages are because that too could make a big huge difference in how they handle, cope or deal with problems. I hope the OP comes back and fills in the blanks.March 15, 2019 at 8:22 pm #743001
We all know by now that Lane has more testosterone than a raging bull. You will never get her to back off because she believes she is always right. Problem she has is she doesn’t act like a woman so she can’t relate to anyone here. Imagine how p.. whipped her married boyfriend is. What she fails to understand is that real men want real women. Not some womanwith a major chip on her shoulder who bowls everyone over with her opinions.March 15, 2019 at 10:31 pm #743020
Trolls are out again…yawn.March 16, 2019 at 10:20 am #743051
It’s a combination of both views. The bf could have been more understanding but Lane raises valid arguments for a general point of view.March 16, 2019 at 10:23 am #743053
Really is right. Lane can’t help nothaving the last word.March 16, 2019 at 10:24 am #743054
She even admits she can’t relate to women.March 16, 2019 at 10:52 am #743058
I don’t relate to women like you and neither do men btw…they don’t much care for catty women lolMarch 16, 2019 at 11:03 am #743060
Actually most men would just ignore the behavior, so you must have more estrogen than you admit. I don’t think bragging about how much you don’t act like a woman makes much sense. Men want real women, not women who act like men. Unless you pick the wimpy ones who want the woman to always be in charge. The alpha energy you display is actually not attractive to most men. So while some of your advice makes sense, acting like a man isn’t going to win over a very great man.March 16, 2019 at 11:29 am #743064
Ok lol, you hate me. Got it, heard you, and don’t give a flying f&^2 what you think or believe because I LOVE MY LIFE; I LOVE my BF and HE LOVES ME—don’t know why you hate love so much???March 16, 2019 at 12:02 pm #743067
It’s not hate Lane. You flatter yourself. It’s about making an observation based on your own words and actions. This forum is about opinions. Everyone has equal say even though you will fight to your core to prove how tight you always are. It’s comical.March 16, 2019 at 2:16 pm #743080
Sorry lol but this forum is about women seeking help where it comes to dating or relationships.
An OP (original poster) posts a problem where women of all backgrounds and the occasional male (if the women don’t run him off) post a response to their problem that is in most cases based on their personal EXPERIENCES or cultures in hopes it will HELP or AID the OP in some way or manner.
The OP can then decide to accept or reject the responses or not even come back at all which is often the case. Occasionally the women will engage in a ‘debate’ or disagree but in majority of cases we just post a response, many of which are regurgitated (restated over and over) for the same issues (e.g. “how do I get him back”) and move on to another.
Sooooo, if you have a problem with how this forum operates then take it up with ERIC, the owner of this forum instead of breaking HIS RULES by flaming or shaming women here who are actually try and help women find the love they so desperately seek and want. I really don’t know why you have an issue with it, majority of OP’s don’t and are thankful for the assistance of strangers who have been where they are in most cases.