This topic contains 42 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Lane 1 month, 1 week ago.
March 14, 2019 at 4:11 am #742832
Hi, the last month has been hard. 3 weeks ago my dog died, I know some people think I overreact but it was a shock and it affected me a lot, I felt really depressed. I wasn’t the best company during that time because I was always sad.
Days after me and my boyfriend had a fight, a bad one, I admit that I overreacted, the fight was over him not calling me during a business travel, but I admit that I overreacted , I made a huge drama because I wasn’t feeling my best.
I apologized the next day for my bad words. He seemed distant and cold. He told me he would contact me on wednesday to do something, but he didn’t.
I don’t want to be contacting him again, I already apologized, I feel like crap, I keep checking my phone over and over, but nothing, and I still didn’t overcome my dog’s dead. I’m not eating well, not sleeping well, and I’m so afraid if I’m losing him too.
I need some advice if you have one.March 14, 2019 at 5:02 am #742833
How long have you been together? How long is it since you’ve actually spoken now?March 14, 2019 at 5:13 am #742836
Hi, we’ve been together one year and 2 months.
The fight was last thursday, I apologized on friday, we agreed to not see each other in the weekend to cool off, but on monday he didn’t contact me either, which is trully weird.
So I contacted him, he said he was superbusy at work and that he will call me on wednesday to meet, to be honest he said “most likely”, but he didn’t contact me, I’m really surprised because he seemed to be a lot into the relation until the fight.
I know he hates drama, is the reason he broke up with the ex, but I needed him more than ever. And I don’t know what’s going on.March 14, 2019 at 5:14 am #742837
I forgot to say that I don’t want to contact him again, would be third time, and I think he might be needing some space after the fight. I’m surprised he is acting that way.March 14, 2019 at 8:05 am #742846
Rachel I know its hard but men deal with things very differently than women do! I raised two sons and as hard as it is you MUST give them them the space and time they need to work through it. I believe a ‘time out’ is necessary here as you’re not in a good place and its negatively affecting your relationship.
You need to take this time to get to a better head spack/ Indulge and entertain yourself by binge eat ice cream and watch a bunch of comedy movies; engaging in an activity such as the zoo, aquarium, arboretum, or museum; go to a day spa…anything to calm your mind and re-focus it on positivity as that’s vibe you want to send your BF, not the one that’s pushing him away.
Your happiness is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY! If you’re feeling sad, down or blue then YOU have to do something to change it. Other people, including your BF, can’t do that for you. They will be sympathetic to A POINT but at some point its on you to pull yourself out of it and get back on a positive track.
Forget about him right now and focus on getting back to a better place or you will be seen as a ‘black cloud’ and no one wants to be around them for too long.March 14, 2019 at 8:35 am #742849
T from NY
I disagree that a woman always has to have a good vibe or at her best to induce her bf to spend time with her. Yes. That’s incredibly important in the beginning stages and for the most part in a relationship — but all of us are going to have times we are not our best and will lash out. A bf of over a year should not be ignoring you for almost a week when you need him after a pet dies, or after you’ve already apologized about something unattractive you’ve done. Of course your ultimate happiness is up to you. But the people who are supposed to be closest to us should be there for us emotionally in our times of need.
So during this quiet — it is a good time to ask why he is not. Are you drama a lot of the time? Are you making a habit of pushing him away with your needy behaviors? OR is he not making you feel wanted and showing his love for you and that’s why you got upset about him not calling while he was away? Personally. When you relay this story I think either you have been too demanding in the past, so he’s taking a break. OR this guy is selfish and avoiding you when you’re feeling emotional because he doesn’t want to deal with it (which is not cool).
Only you and your boyfriend know. So if, upon reflection, you realize YOU have been relying on him too much and starting arguments I agree you should find things to keep you occupied and work on your own happiness. But if you realize this actually has more to do with HIM not being there for you emotionally — I would take time to think if he is really the guy for you. Be careful not to rugsweep his behavior and become overly focused on just winning back his attention. Use this time to process and consider real change.March 14, 2019 at 8:51 am #742850
I’d really consider kicking him to the curb. Losing a dog can be WORSE than losing a human. When I put my old dog to sleep it was worse than losing my mom and dad.
Also, after a year, if you expect a regular call or text when he is traveling, then you have the right to mention it- probably should not have started a fight- but you did the only thing you could do which was apologize. You handled it like a healthy person.
The problem with “no drama” people is that things fester until they are unfixable and you, as their partner, have to adjust and cater to their whims without having a way to get yours met. So you end up exploding. My ex was this way.
Minimally this guy has very little empathy. If you need that much space over a simple argument over communication, you have a problem and what happens when it becomes a real crisis? He clearly doesn’t understand that you are going through a rough patch. One of the benefits of a relationship is that shoulder to cry on and support you in bad times- he clearly doesn’t want to help you. I get that men aren’t generally as emotional as women, but most can and do offer some support when needed, even if they are not super comfortable with that role.
I get not wanting to deal or be around a depressed girl who can’t get past her dog- and if that’s his actual complaint and he can’t use his words to tell you that, it’s on him.March 14, 2019 at 11:26 am #742865
T in this case I disagree with you. Men are DIFFERENT in the emotional realm and I’m sick of women trying to womanize men by turning them into nurturing pansies just because she can’t get her emotional stuff in order. I have a very low emotional capacity. I can only handle brief amounts of it before I shut down and instinctively avoid the situation or person because it drains the hell out me—I have to take care of my own emotional health and wellbeing too.
Women have become far too emotionally NEEDY today IMO. I don’t know what happened but I remember when women were STRONG and didn’t rely on men for ’emotional support.’ A man will give it in the best way he can or knows how too but at some point they shut off or down if they feel powerless to help a woman in the way she truly needs. I remember when women turned to women for emotional support such as a sister, best friend, etc. where they could talk about it for HOURS, felt better and got on with life. I think my dad’s brain would have exploded if my mom relied on him for it lol. The past generations were definitely a different breed of women than those today.
Most men don’t understand a woman’s emotions. It’s like someone crying and talking Chinese to you and you’re sitting there bewildered because you can tell they are in distress but you don’t understand WHY they are so distressed especially if you’ve never felt or had those emotions yourself. If you think there are loads of men out there who are going to cater to a woman’s emotions everytime something bad happens to them, then there will be very few to no relationships taking place or lasting very long.
Again, one can truly sympathize with someone’s loss or hardship if they are suffering and going through it themselves; however if one is not then the sympathy factor is going to be very limited.
One of my male friends just lost his dog of 18 years. Came into my business with tears in his eyes, very distraught and I felt badly for him. I gave him a hug and relayed my sympathy. A few days later I was at his work and you could tell the ‘sympathy factor’ had worn thin as I could see his regular customers begin to avoid him. Needing sympathy is normal when it happens BUT you have to realize there are limitations and/or capacity levels of the person(s) you’re asking it from too. Him pulling away is a NEON SIGN telling her “I can’t change, solve or fix this for you. Your grief is draining me as I feel powerless to help you in the way you really need it as it’s beyond my understanding, capability or capacity to do sp.”March 14, 2019 at 11:38 am #742867
I have to totally disagree with Lane here. Men may have lower emotional capacity than women but it doesn’t make them robots!! My husband is a man’s man and an Alpha male. I have seen him break down and get emotional but it has to be something big like his mother’s heart surgery or his brother’s death. However, he knows when he needs to be there for me. And even if he can’t “solve” my problem he knows that just being there and holding me and letting me cry on his shoulder is enough. There have been times when he was crazy busy with his business and work and I called him upset and he left immediately and put everything else on hold to be with me. Of course I’m also the kind of woman who it takes a lot for me to get upset, but when I get there regardless of what it’s about, he’s there for me. I wouldn’t want to have a relationship with a man who had so little empathy or concern for me that his way of responding was to ignore me. For you to tell women just to deal with a man stonewalling them is ridiculous!
I’m not saying he has to coddle her for 3 weeks because I do think she needs to be snapping out of it by now, but for him to have no empathy for her and ignore her pain is not what I would ever settle for from a man I’m dating or planning to marry.March 14, 2019 at 12:08 pm #742870
I disagree with Lane 100%. When my little Sven dog was sick, I had 2 Alpha males call me when they saw my FB post. Both followed up every day to make sure he was OK. So 100% strong men can and do fully understand distress and worry over a dog.
Men probably would love it if women supressed their emotions and wandered around like a happy robot all the time, women would also love it of men supressed THEIR emotions and communicated all the time. As a woman who does not show much emotion, this unnerves a lot of men. Most good men want to comfort you when you are upset. They might not want to talk about feelings, but they will step up and support you the best they can. A good man sure as hell doesn’t go quiet over a petty argument when you are feeling badly about a loss.
“No drama” men who clam up when confronted over something minor are not healthy and not easy to live with. You can’t check out of a relationship every time someone asks you for something you can’t give. What happens when you throw in the stress of kids or a mortgage and you are stuck with a guy that shuts down vs figuring it out? It’s a toxic way for a man to deal with stress.
To Rachel- I don’t think you are asking too much. I do think you need to reconsider this guy as a life partner. Unless you plan on having a very smooth life with limited stress, he’s not going to be a good partner unless he changes.
Also, you take however long to mourn your dog that you need. My dog means the world to me- he’s like my son. I’m so sorry you lost your guy, and please know that there are a universe of us who feel your pain and understand it. Time will help you heal. But I understand that he wasn’t “just a dog”.March 14, 2019 at 2:01 pm #742879
I agree with T and Anon. Even I am prone at times to drama. at times you do go overboard. if your bf cant handle that after 14 months together than that’s a concern. he should have got in touch after the cook off period. by ignoring you when you lost a pet, seems so insensitive and uncaring to me. Losing a pet can be the most devastating thing and hits you very hard.March 14, 2019 at 2:21 pm #742881
Feels like he is being a little inconsiderate of you. He’s in the mindset that whatever he is doing is more important right now. What a d**k! I would not have think like that if you two were just starting dating but it’s been a long year..he probably has already been around your dog and it’s strange how unconcerned he is. And yes partnership is shared feelings even though he is the macho of all men. It seems you can’t count on him when you’re in distress and need him. True that you may have overreacted but its been days. Surely he cant still be upset!! Almost like he is punishing you for that drama..and this is going to make you resent him if he doesn’t show his face soon.. is there a way you can meet him soon and talk about things..because leaving it in the air is not going to work out.March 14, 2019 at 2:39 pm #742882
I understand he doesn’t like drama but, not contacting you isn’t cool.
I’m going to disagree with some of the advice here in this thread. I’m sorry but, life isn’t always great and sometimes things in life bother us and affect our mood.
If my boyfriend just went poof when I was going through something I wouldn’t have a future with him.
This man lacks empathy so I think you need to reconsider seeing him.
Right now I’d focus on healing in whatever you can and when you are ready have a talk with him about this.March 14, 2019 at 8:41 pm #742899
First, I never said men were robots or capable of sympathy or empathy but there are LIMITATIONS amd no two, three or a hundred people are alike. Some moreso than others but it doesn’t make them BAD PEOPLE which is the MESAGE too many give to ladies and to DUMP THEM because they don’t act or behave the way you think every man aight to or should.
Second, he was away on business and I highly doubt your husband would have droppede everything and fly home just to give you a hug! If you EXPECT a man do that every time you have an emotional meltdown then I see a breakup or divorce in the future. I’m pretty sure her BF sympathized with her in the beginning the best he could but you can’t expect him to coddle her for weeks or months on end because her dog died. Yes, it was unfortunate but not tragic like losing a child
Lastly, men have tolerance levels no differently than a woman does swhen it comes to her kids. If you can’t spot the signs when they’ve reached it then keep having emotional outbursts and see how long he hangs around. I have a low tolerance for it as do others. I am capable of feeling empathy and sympathy to A POINT but once I reach that point I don’t want to be around that person because it starts affecting my state of mind in a negative way so I NEED to pull away from it. I KNOW that about myself yet it doesn’t make me BAD or LESS of a person because I and others were born a certain way and that the MESSAGE I’m trying to relay.March 14, 2019 at 9:18 pm #742902
I agree with T and anon. You lost your dog. You might have lost it calling him out but you apologized and he is still acting cold. An understanding bf would have understand after the apology. I cant tell what to do though. You have to look at the whole relationship to view how he is concerning your emotional needs. Guys really are not good at comforting but they would check up on you to see how you are doing.March 14, 2019 at 9:27 pm #742905
So, unless youre the girl that always needs support about anything (i cant tell how much drama you created) , why dont you take some time to decide if he is a good guy for youMarch 14, 2019 at 10:02 pm #742909
Lane will be right!
And clearly not an animal lover either…very telling of her ‘masculine’ ways😉March 14, 2019 at 10:02 pm #742910
Lane will be right!
And clearly not an animal lover either…very telling of her ‘masculine’ ways😉March 14, 2019 at 10:21 pm #742914
T from NY
I want to clarify that I DO agree with Lane in that — most men, most of the time, avoid drama like it’s the plague. And as I said — this whole scenario (woman complaining about no contact, blowing up and then being emotional about the loss of her pet) could send a new love interest, or even a newer-ish boyfriend off packing. But that is not the case here.
By one year in – a man should have bonded with you. He should be concerned for your comfort and want to be one of the people soothing you even if you have 17 females shoulders to cry on. I have also raised a son. He is turning 18 this month. He is incredibly giving and always looking out for myself and his sister and the young women he has dated. I cannot imagine any possibility he would act the way the OPs bf is acting. I also have experienced an incredible-out of this world-madly in love-healthy relationship with a man and my ex boyfriend would never have avoided me for an entire week for any reason. He was man enough to say when he was pissed and explain himself. I don’t think most men act this way anyway — unless the couple were A) near breaking up anyway becauee of past drama or B) the guy is a complete selfish prig who doesnt want a girlfriend that’s REAL — only one that’s stepford-happy.
OP I hope you make changes if you are the one who’s pushed your man away with prior neediness and being overly emotional. If you feel you HAVENT acted like that — I stand by my original suggestion to consider this current situation as a gift from the universe to get your attention to look at how this man treats you. If it’s enough for you and do you feel cared for, listened to and seen. Wish you the best!March 15, 2019 at 8:19 am #742922
“SILENCE” is man drama. Period. It’s a passive aggressive way to control someone. I’m not saying he needs to drop everything while working in the field and come hug her. But he does need to work out a communications schedule that serves both of them in the long term. If a daily call is too much he needs to SAY THAT TOO HER, not ignore her.
It’s fine when dating to ignore people you aren’t into or ignore your FB, but once you have entered into a relationship, where I assume you are benefiting, the silent treatment is inexcusable and toxic. It’s not an alpha male trait. NO NO NO. Alpha males can and will communicate clearly because they are confident enough to speak up for what they want, even if it is for you to give the dog mourning a rest or that they can’t talk every day during business travel.
If someone needs a week of no contact after a small argument, they have the emotional problem. This guy met your drama with his own version of drama. Men absolutely know that the silent treatment unnerves women…. it manipulates women. A real man would have called you the next day and addressed the issue.March 15, 2019 at 8:40 am #742924
At the end of the day, are you really happy with how he is treating you right now? It wouldn’t be enough for me. I’d be gone…March 15, 2019 at 8:56 am #742926
This is what frustrates me so much because there are so many ‘man haters’ on this forum where women are allowed to act or behave any way she deems fit and the guy should just SUCK IT UP or he’s a “douche” or “d!c&”.
The OP said: “Hi, the last month has been hard. 3 weeks ago my dog died, I know some people think I overreact but it was a shock and it affected me a lot, I felt really depressed. I wasn’t the best company during that time because I was always sad.”
Read this AGAIN because some of you missed a critical piece of information: “I know some people think I overreacted…” What does that tell you? It tells you that OTHERS were also tired of her being depressed and sad all the time NOT just her BF.
She then states “I was really depressed. I wasn’t the best company during that time because I was always sad.” She has the right to grieve (be sad) in the way she wants or needs to but she cannot EXPECT that all others, including her BF, to empathize or sympathize at the same level she is and that’s the POINT I was trying to make. Others had also reached their POINT of tolerance and if they included her parents would that make them “d!cks” too???
If you had an overly depressed and sad BF for SEVERAL WEEKS would you want to call him while on a business trip? No, you would probably feel a sense of relief that you don’t have to hear how “sad” and “depressed” they are all the time. Sorry, but I don’t blame him for pulling away as it may be the very MEDICINE she needs to overcome her depression and sadness because the longer she remains in this state the harder it will be to get out of it. She’s reached the level of ‘chronic depression’ (lasting more than two weeks) and that should be a RED FLAG for her BF as its something he needs to consider going forward if this is how she deals or copes with the curve balls (issues, problems, hardships, etc.) life throws at her.
She admitted that she still hasn’t overcome the death of her dog. So how long should a BF coddle, empathize and sympathize with her for him to not meet the “d!c&” standard—two, three, four months; a year, two years???
FYI Janet (aka ‘troll’) I don’t hate animals. I see the BEAUTY in DEATH just as I see the BEAUTY in BIRTH. ALL living things die, it’s the natural cycle of life on planet earth so prefer to honor and celebrate the wonderful memories I had with those who have passed, including my own pets. Sorry my response to you wasn’t as ugly and mean spirited as yours always are to mine.March 15, 2019 at 9:12 am #742928
If my boyfriend lost his dog and was sad and depressed, and he was on business trip, I’d call and check in. If he was grating on me with constant “woe is me”, I would say something like “hey, let’s talk about something positive”.
Bottom line, any relationship that lasts is likely to go through rough patches because one of the parties is having a rough time. The best way to end a relationship prematurely is for the partner who is unhappy to react with drama and manipulation. Silent treatment is 100% drama and manipulation.
Lane, that’s what you don’t get- and you don’t get it because you are the rare woman who wants space. The vast majority of women (and most men) don’t react well to silent treatment. Most just don’t think “oh, he needs his space for a week, it’s all good”. And most men don’t come back from silent treatment with an apology and desire to change. And most men are FULLY aware that silent treatment bothers most women.
This isn’t about “hating men” – this is about whether or not she is in the right relationship. Now she sees how her partner acts in the tough times, and it clearly upset her. She needs to go find one of the many men who absolutely would have called her and been supportive OR would have been able to actually use his words to express that he was over her constant grieving and needed space. They also exist.
Her boyfriend similarly may need to reconsider his choice in partner to one who chooses to handle grief differently and is OK with giving a lot of distance.
The worst solution is for them to stay together without working this out, until she learns how to shut down emotionally with her spouse and he learns it’s easier just to withdraw even more.March 15, 2019 at 10:39 am #742929
I’m like you when it comes to my animals. The pain stays within me for a very long time.
But you said you apologized for your “bad words”?
Exactly how bad were these words?
Some ‘Words” said in anger can indeed destroy a relationship, especially if you cross a certain boundary…example, belittling his family, etc.
If what you said was truly hurtful, sometimes apologizing, no matter how genuinely sorry you may be, will not always ‘fix’ what you may have said…especially if the relationship was already on rocky groundsMarch 15, 2019 at 11:11 am #742931
I do so agree with all the things anon and T are saying. I have lost a pet and so I can totally understand what the OP means. Its a pain like none other. also crisula raised a very valid point. just think over the things you said. is it that the things you said were very terrible? you do need to think over the things you said.