He forces his fake child on me…


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This topic contains 19 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  ANM Staff 1 month ago.

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  • #777282

    Pops

    Background: I have no family as both parents rejected me from childhood.
    Partner has no children, but raises his ex wife son. He was married for 9 years and raised her son from 1 year up.

    We got together and I told him, I have deep issues with letting people in, very little trust and couldn’t ever be part of the boys life. Now I don’t mind him being in his life, but I dont want to be part of it. My own family didn’t want me, so why would I understand the concept of him raising another mans child? I accept he has his perspective on this and I accept what he wants to do, but I prefer to have nothing to do with that and do my own thing when he’s with his ex’s child.

    Lately he’s been pressing me and arguing with me to ‘accept him and his son’ (its not his son in my head). I advise I do accept him, he is free to live and do as he pleases but I do not wish to form bonds with this boy. Its nothing to do with me, I dont even have my own children AND I do have a bad issue with letting people in / trust. I simply cannot understand him, and he cannot understand me.

    I truly believe he keeps this child in his life, because he needs an excuse to remain close to his cheating ex wife. 100% feel this. I refuse to allow myself to become part of this world because I dont want to get close to this drama / allow my insecurities / fear of abandonment to become part of me. Insecurity lives in me. I am deeply pained by past & as a protection I do keep guards up.

    He however struggles and feels like he is living a seperate life because I dont have anything to do with this child.

    We cannot seem to agree with each other. We never see each others perspectives. At the moment? He has ended it with me, saying If I cannot accept the boy I cannot be with him.

    I’ve literally been left again. The pain is real. I feel like if he loved me enough, he would understand I do have issues and not let that get in the way of us. Given that I wasn’t stopping him living his life or doing anything he wanted I just didn’t be around it all. It feels like he’s chosen his ex / ex wife child, over me and him.

    I need peoples opinions on this.

    #777283

    anon

    Is it that hard to be cordial to the kid?
    You don’t need to raise the kid, but dang, asking a man to abandon a child he essentially raised is not cool.

    I think you need some counseling. Or to move on.

    #777284

    Newbie

    You push people away. Im really sorry about what happened to you but at some point you have to decide if you want loving and meaningful relationships. And do whatever it takes to get ready including therapy. Or stick with the: one more person left me. I think in this case he didnt leave because he didnt love you enough but because it was unworkable to begin with
    I think this break up is good for both of you. If you have a hard time loving a man, loving a man who also loves a kid that is his ex-kid and not his, and where you feel he does it for the ex, is not taking a new step but land on the moon.

    #777286

    Better off single

    It sucks what happened to you and I’m sorry you had to experience that kind of pain in your life. Why does everyone else have to pay for something someone else did to you? If you’re going to have this “me first” mentality, you’re going to wind up lonely.

    This is kinda f×ked up on your part. After all you’ve been through, someone like you should understand why he isn’t giving up on this kid and appreciate how admirable it is to raise a child he didn’t even help create. Why not be supportive?

    #777288

    pops

    because in my heart, he is only keeping close to her kid to keep close to his ex wife.

    how can a man raise a child that isn’t his? How? Why? I just physically dont understand?

    #777299

    Liz Lemon

    He raised this child from the age of 1 year old. It’s his child. It may not biologically be his child, but he raised the boy and that makes him his father. Can’t you see that?

    Maybe it’s hard for you to understand since you don’t have children. But it’s a testament to this man’s character that he is continuing to raise this child as his own son even though his marriage didn’t work out.

    Why do you suspect he’s only involved with the boy to remain close to his ex wife? What makes you say that, is it something he’s done, or are you literally unable to understand how he bonded with this boy by raising him for 8 of his 9 years?

    I agree with the other commenters. If you can’t understand or accept this situation it’s probably best to end the relationship. It’s not a question of him “not loving you enough.” No offense intended, but you sound quite selfish & unreasonable & I don’t think you should date someone with children. (I’m a woman with a child who is dating a man with a child). It’s natural for him to want to integrate his child into your relationship if it’s going to be serious. If you don’t want that, then date someone without children.

    #777300

    Liz Lemon

    I just re-read your initial post & actually i strongly encourage you to seek counseling. You have deep insecurity & abandonment issues (by your own admission) & until you can work through that, you won’t be able to find a healthy, happy relationship.

    #777302

    wtf

    I have been with a man who raised a child that was not his his own and while I questioned it in my mind, I gradually made peace with it and decided he had a bigger heart than me and maybe I could learn something from that.

    While YOU would never do somethingn like that, maybe tyry to look at it from a different perspective. Mabye look at your man’s own experience with his own father and maybe he either a) wants to reinforce the importance of a father figure if he had a great one in life or b) understands what it’s like to NOT have a father figure and doesn’t want this child to grow up without one.

    Everything sounds black and white with you. Life is not always that way…. it often looks grey. Right now your perspective is only perpetuating your own “inevitable” outcome. Perhaps it’s that way becauyse you set it up that way and NOT because this guy abandoned you. You gave him absolutely no choice. What’s that called? self-perpetuating prophecy or something like that?

    This guy was not rejecting or abandoning you at ALL. I see it as the other way ’round — you set up a hard line in the sand and left him no choice but to side with the child. (Are you jealous perhaps?) Therapy, empathy, patience, these are things that could help you.

    Therapy for sure.

    #777360

    Ss

    He hasn’t abandoned you – you being selfish and refusing to accept his child: (it is his child- biology means nothing).

    I agree with others- you need therapy. It is completely normal that he wants you to be a part of his child’s life. Its a person he loves.

    My ex raised my son for 7 of his 16 years. My son views him as his dad. The fact my ex still sees him, takes him on holiday and prioritises my son is a testament to what a good person he is.

    My son is meeting my exes new girlfriend soon and I’m cool with that and so is she.

    Please please get help. The way you have expressed this situation is just not the way a healthy mind would

    #777366

    Sophia

    There are millions of people around the world that raise children that are not biologically their own.

    It’s called adoption.

    #777386

    Warasen

    Pops

    It’s a really positive portrayal of your partner’s character that he loves his son so much. The boy isn’t his biological son but he loves the boy.

    I also think he should be understanding of the trauma you’ve been through and not try to force this boy on you.

    You have a good handle on what you can accept in a partner it seems like this man isn’t the right person for you. It sounds like you made all the effort you could, to not disrupt his relationship with his son. He’s asking for something that you clearly can’t give but he knew this about you.

    Time to move on for both of you.

    #777388

    K

    Sophia – mic drop moment. Truth bomb.

    Pops – you’ve got some heavy duty anger and pain from the way your parents treated you. When the relationship with a little one’s parents is interrupted so traumatically, there can be terrible consequences that last a long time. The abandoned, hurt child inside you is running your life for you to write something like this. I”m so very sorry and wish I could give you a hug.

    The best thing you can do is let this man go and get yourself into therapy. It will be impossible to have a healthy relationship until you do.

    This man isn’t going to kick this child out of his life to please you and it’s unfair to expect that he should. You’re treating this child as a rival and you’re jealous he or she is getting what you didn’t. That’s not reality but for your inner child that’s what it feels like, I”m guessing. You’re giving hate but expecting love back. That equation doesn’t balance.

    You’ve got the walls up so high to protect yourself that they’ve turned into prison walls. No one can reach you with your guard up so high, any relationship you get into is going to end when you perceive they’d betrayed you somehow.

    There is a better life for you waiting on the other side of the pain, once you deal with it. It wasn’t your fault your parents left, I promise you. And what they have or haven’t done is no reflection of your worth as a human being. I know children think it’s their fault sometimes when their parents leave. I thought that – my parents divorced when I was 7. I hardly saw my father for some years. I was angry and resentful until I learned that he was working two and three jobs to pay child support and alimony because he didn’t want me and my siblings to suffer. With the help of a therapist I was able to look back and see what really happened and stop being hurt and angry. It changed my life for the better. I pray that you can have the positive outcome that I did. I hope you don’t waste your life, I hope you learn to forgive your parents and learn to love yourself and others.

    Many hugs.

    #777397

    kaye

    There is so much hate and anger in your post it’s practically running off the page! You have to understand what your parents did to you isn’t normal. It was their issues not yours. It doesn’t mean you aren’t loveable. Emotionally healthy adults who become parents would do anything for their children and the thought of leaving them or abandoning them never crosses their mind! They would be in so much pain to lose a child it’s not even fathomable.

    You can’t seem to empathize with your partner at all. Maybe if you looked at it in a different way you could relate. For example have you ever had a pet you loved? A dog or a cat that was so much a part of your life, they slept with you, went for walks with you, cuddled on the couch watching TV with you. They were a part of your life every single day for 9 years. Then all the sudden you start dating this guy. He was bitten by a dog as a child so he hates dogs. Doesn’t want to meet your dog, be around your dog, won’t acknowledge you even have a dog. As a matter of fact he tells you in order to keep seeing him you have to get rid of the dog. Period.

    This is what you are doing. You weren’t shown love as a child so instead of taking in his son and giving him the love you missed out on you would rather shut him out, act like he doesn’t exist and never be part of his life. You aren’t really sharing a life with your partner, you’re making him feel like he’s living separate lives just as he says.

    It’s like a child who has grown up in an abusive household. Some of them grow up to continue the abuse to their children and that’s what you’re doing. You are refusing to love this child because you weren’t loved. And as a consequence you are allowing all this baggage and insecurities to shut out a man who loves you. And you are making up scenarios in your head like him using the child to stay close to the ex wife.

    You say you are refusing to become a part of this world because you don’t want to allow your insecurities and fear of abandonment to become part of me. But the sad thing is they are already a part of you and you are allowing them to run your life. You have been left again because you are only thinking about yourself. Imagine this is you as a 10 year old child. The only “father” you’ve ever known in your life abandons you after 9 years of raising you because the new girl he’s seeing doesn’t want anything to do with you. Do you want this child to end up with abandonment issues not being able to get close to anyone like you? Do you want to be the cause of that for this child? I want you to REALLY think about what I just said. Please seek therapy.

    #777440

    Honeypie

    Oh hunny please…

    No no no. I have a child who my ex raised as his own. My ex and me split yen years ago and he still calls him dad and he still treats him as he treats our biological children. I can’t stand the man and it’s mutual pretty much! But he still is his boy, and I respect and admire that aspect of my ex. I too was abandoned by my mother and had a narcissistic father, and I remember longing for normal and longing for a mother. I’ve taken into adulthood the perspective of surrounding children with people who Care about them is essential- nothing to do with biology.

    My boys father abandoned him and my ex stepped up for the child’s sake. Your ex is to be applauded. You are totally unreasonable and if I was with. Someone who said to me you do your thing and have your life with your kids, and I’ll see you when you don’t have them, i wouldn’t see a future. It would be like living two separate lives as he’s identified to you. You’ve made this impossible for him, and he’s chosen the child as he should you’re lucky he’s kept you around this long!

    He’s doing with the child what should have happened to you as a child. You should have been chosen, loved, put first. You are being totally unreasonable as an adult here, sorry.

    How long has it been since he split from his ex? How long have you been together? Why do you think this is about the ex and not the child?

    #777442

    hs

    Donating a few sperm doesn’t make a dad. Raising a child does. So many people walk away from their own children after divorce, this man, who steps up and raises HIS son shows great character

    Any parent wants an integrated relationship between his partner and his children. Share great times together, make memories.

    I would kick any man to the curb who doesn’t love and accept my children. One who treats to child like competition? And then throws tantrums about having been left again?

    He is better off without you. And you really need some help

    #777491

    kaye

    Hard to believe the OP hasn’t come back to comment on this. I’ve kind of been waiting for an update because this story really bothered me for some reason. I just have one question. If you could have had a man like your ex show you love as a child do you think you would have turned out differently? And if so, why do you want to take that away from this child he loves? The fact you are even calling this his fake child is so cold and hateful. If you can’t show love how do you expect to get it back in return?

    #777492

    K

    Either it’s a fake post or she didn’t hear what she wanted to hear, which was everyone taking her side.

    I often have a feeling when someone posts and never comments again, it’s fake.

    #777493

    Sophia

    I now think it’s fake too, since not one peep from the OP.

    #777502

    Kalyn

    First of all, the boy is not “fake”. That choice of wording in itself is disturbing.

    My parents gave me up at birth and I was adopted so I was raised and cared for my entire life by people who didn’t care a bit that I was “someone else’s kid”. I’m sorry for what happened to you but I have to think you lack empathy. You of all people should be understanding of this boy’s situation but instead, you have succumbed to jealous anger for anyone who has what you didn’t.

    This man raised the boy for eight years…it is his child and you have to know that if you force him to choose between you and the boy, you will not come out on top. This child will be in his life from here on out…he was there before you and he will be there after. If you can’t accept him and have a positive relationship with him, how could your boyfriend possibly see a future with you?

    You say he has now abandoned you too. I would suggest that you forced him to. I do hope you seek some professional help but in any case, avoid dating men with children.

    #777543

    ANM Staff
    Keymaster

    Hi Pops. This seems similar to a separate topic you brought up before, “Dating a separated man…”. But you used a different name in that thread.

    It’s fine to use a pseudonym but don’t start changing names and then bringing up the same or similar topic. It raises doubts about your interactions with the community. Stick with one name.

    Thanks.

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