This topic contains 59 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Ems 11 months ago.
September 7, 2019 at 12:42 pm #769205
He should be breaking down your door…September 7, 2019 at 3:02 pm #769235
He is doing nothing and now he gone absolutely quite.September 7, 2019 at 11:06 pm #769268
Sorry honey don’t mean to put you down, but I think what you did is absolutely insane. You threw away a good thing just because the guy didn’t play into the stereotype. Because of course, men always chase women and under no circumstances a man could feel uncomfortable to say Ily just because you want to hear it. Sorry, just a different perspective…September 7, 2019 at 11:24 pm #769273
I had the same opinion @Shoshannah, but by the time I read this post OP had already broken up so there was no point. And this is precisely why I’m so careful in jumping the gun telling other people to end their relationship. I feel this forum needs to have a disclaimer to be wary of bad advice.
“Now he is telling me he loves me too but he just shows his love differently. But he agrees we done because I pushed him away.”
Reading that specifically was actually painful.September 7, 2019 at 11:44 pm #769277
The majority of women come here for advice after they already did the wrong thing. And it’s hard to unring bell. If you really want advice don’t be so impulsive and think things out, ask for advice and then decide. We can’t undo words that are already said that dissolves the bind as in this case. Most men or women aren’t going back to someone who dumps them. Not if they are smart.
In this case it’s hard to know if he really does reciprocate the love. I think not since he’s taking a passive approach.September 8, 2019 at 9:28 am #769334
I hate to Monday morning quarterback, but I agree with Anderson and Shoshannah. Based on the info given I thought it was awfully hasty to just dump the guy. In fact I commented earlier in the thread that men are not always comfortable saying “I love you” (my boyfriend isn’t) and a lot of men show their love in other ways. It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you, it means he expresses it differently. Which is what the OP’s boyfriend is now saying.
I don’t know any of the parties involved and maybe there were other issues. So perhaps the relationship was just not meant to be. But I do think the OP rushed into a decision and now the chances seem slim that the issue can be properly addressed.September 8, 2019 at 9:39 am #769335
I also had the same feeling as shoshanna, Anderson and liz lemmon. He never said he didnt love you. But by then you broke up already and he said he was done since he felt pushed. So that made me think op made the right decision anyway.
What it does show are your poor communication skills. You go from 100 (saying i love you) to zero (breaking up convinced he doesnt love you) in a day just on impulse. If you are together for a year surely you could have asked for some clarification on his part. So you must have an explosive personality, be aware of that. Try talking and listening insteadSeptember 8, 2019 at 9:42 am #769336
It’s not his lack of works, it’s his lack of action. She did the right thing imo. He is not behaving like a man in danger of losing a woman he loves. He seems ok with letting her go and in fact trying to spin it so it is she who is pushing him away which is really manipulative and f*cked up.
It’s one thing to not be able to say it but is another to not be able to say it AND Let her go so easily.September 8, 2019 at 9:47 am #769337
But lala she broke up with him. Why would you go after someone who broke up with you? Man can havd bruised ego’s too. I really agree with liz lemmon that we shouldnt give advise solely based on stereotypes that are all based on: he wont let go of the one he wants, he will chase you, be the price (yuk to that one). Not every man is a walking dating clichéSeptember 8, 2019 at 9:53 am #769338
I told my man i loved him at a moment where i knew he couldnt say it. So i wasnt expecting anything in return but i wanted to say it to tell him he was important to me. I think he said Thank you. If i had told him the day after that i want to break up, for sure he would have thought i had some screws lose in my head. Well we are close to our 5 year anniversary now and he tells me he loves me every daySeptember 8, 2019 at 10:12 am #769339
I tend to agree with the last few posters. When I read OP had split up with him, I thought ‘Wow’ that was a bit reactive in the circumstances.September 8, 2019 at 10:53 am #769343
“You go from 100 (saying i love you) to zero (breaking up convinced he doesnt love you) in a day just on impulse. If you are together for a year surely you could have asked for some clarification on his part.”
Totally agree with Newbie. This is what surprised me. If the OP had taken time to think about the situation, and more importantly COMMUNICATE with her boyfriend about this…if after taking the time and effort to do that, she decided it would be best to break up, that would be one thing. But she went from 100 to 0 as Newbie said. There was no introspection or attempt to communicate or talk with him about it, from what she’s saying. And she did that to a guy that she was with for a year, who she says treated her really well.
And yes, I agree that men are not walking stereotypes! Men are human beings, each one is individual. He’s probably very hurt and shocked by what she did. Probably humiliated too. Why should he have to chase after someone who dumped him the day after she professed her love for him? If you loved him so much why would you just dump him overnight like that, after an entire year? If I were the guy it would make me question if you ever loved me at all, and I’d wonder wtf you were doing. I can understand why he isn’t chasing after her.September 8, 2019 at 11:44 am #769348
I could write a huge list of things I would do (and have done) for a serious partner. Ranging fron prioritizing, initiating, rekindling, and spoiling to being the one who’s happy to give and do more than 50%. Though ideally relationship for me should be a perpetual see-saw, a team effort.
But I will not, nor have I ever, chase anyone who secretly pushes me away to test my love for her. Or if she says she has fallen for someone else and wants to run off with him instead. If she cheats on me, especially physically. If she is sure she wants to break up and is ready to move on, instead of wanting to discuss it. She is free to leave, because I will not chase her or beg her to stay. (not the same as asking someone to not hang up a phone call, leave to work, let go during a hug etc) Similarly my partner will have the same luxury of not having to chase me either. This kind of nonsense is somewhat justifiable in the courtship/dating phase but doesn’t belong in healthy and mature relationships. Not in my view. I’m very reasonable and understanding but I don’t think I will ever compromise on this.
And she can start claiming that I was never truly loved her. But the truth is that would be sour grapes reasoning because her ego couldn’t handle the idea of admitting that she played games or had princess-y or double standards that blew up in her face.
And I’m not the only guy in being this way. I don’t know what some of you women are after based on the kind of ridiculous extents you want your potential life partner to go to, but I assure you it isn’t love.September 8, 2019 at 4:15 pm #769388
I’m seriously regretting my reaction.
I was on my period as well so my emotions were high, although that’s no excuse really.
But I don’t know if he is emotionally playing me or not.
This morning he messaged me random question.
I answered but I haven’t heard from him since.
If he gets back to me, I’m going to talk to him and say if he does feel the same way about me then there is no need to break up.
If he is reluctant than time for me to let go permanently.September 8, 2019 at 4:18 pm #769389
I didn’t push him away to test his love I genuinely felt he didn’t love me after one year.
Although I felt his love when he was with me, that’s why I felt he was faking his feelings for me.September 8, 2019 at 4:26 pm #769392
If you two can’t work through this, it’s better it ended now. People in relationships do and say stupid things all the time. Sometimes even break up over it. But for the people who genuinely care for each other, they can find their way back to each other.
You had a concern that he didn’t love you based on what he said. At a year that’s a big deal. Because if you love him and he doesn’t love it’s time to move on. You broke up over a misunderstanding. This is still salvageable if you really care about each other. I hope that’s the case for you.September 8, 2019 at 4:33 pm #769393
If a man I loved left me because he thought I didn’t love him I would do everything in my power to clear up the misunderstanding. It would be insane to let a one year relationship between two people who love each other end because of a mistaken communication or a bruised ego.
If I loved someone who also loved me but for some reason I decided the relationship wasn’t going to work I would not make the other person feel like c**p by telling them “hard luck, you blew it”.
I think it’s clear he is using this to try to leave without looking like the bad guy (and failing).September 8, 2019 at 4:37 pm #769394
Joe to be fair to him he did try on Thursday to say I misunderstood him but I wasn’t listening.September 8, 2019 at 4:43 pm #769395
Better off single
Maybe he is doing the things he is doing because he gets nothing but mixed signals and is figuring it out how you really feel in roundabout way because he isn’t getting clear answers out of you.September 8, 2019 at 4:43 pm #769396
Better off single
Due to a lack of trust and actions not matching up.September 8, 2019 at 4:51 pm #769397
Would it be good idea to reach out after few days if he doesn’t before that?September 8, 2019 at 4:51 pm #769398
Without having seen how hard he tried to convince you I find it hard to comment further. If he tried really hard then OK.
It still seems extreme for it to not be salvageable though.September 8, 2019 at 5:06 pm #769400
Put yourself in this guy’s shoes. It’s not a man/woman thing.
I would be stunned if my boyfriend told me one day that he loved me, and then dumped me the next day because I did not give him the “correct” response. Especially if things had been good up to that point, and we had loving feelings towards each other. I wouldn’t know what to think. I suspect I would need time to process what happened and decide if this was a person I wanted to be with.
Remember this guy didn’t say he didn’t love her. He said he “had feelings of love” or whatever. Which is a clumsy and disappointing response, but like I said in my 1st response to this thread– men are often not good at saying ILY, and if she caught him off guard it in that moment, his reply would have been extra awkward.
Is that a dump-able offense? Apparently the OP thought so. She assumed that the past year had all been a lie based on this one awkward moment.
It would have been better to give it some time and talk about it with the boyfriend about it in a calm manner. Basically work through the communication issue.
The damage has been done at this point. The relationship may or may not be salvageable. I really don’t know, but I would not be shocked if it weren’t. What the OP did was crushing.September 8, 2019 at 5:18 pm #769402
In this cases its best to be honest but dont go overboard with pleading. If you talk, and not over text, you can say you felt vulnerable and not sure where you stand with him. And then listen. I cant completely rule out your gut wasnt in play here so he may not be that invested, but from what you were saying earlier he sounded like a good and honest bf. Calm doen for a few days. If its meant to be, you two will work it outSeptember 8, 2019 at 5:34 pm #769404
In general i agree with liz lemmons last post. We women, myself included, have Speaking tongues as sharp as knives. Guys can have a hard time dealing with that and learn fast. Like in this case, his girl says i love and from now on he sees that as danger coming ahead. Like Anderson stated its just a important to create a secure environment for your man as the other way around. At least thats the lesson i learned with my man and i really felt i had to stop controlling outcomes.