This topic contains 59 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Ems 8 months, 2 weeks ago.
September 3, 2019 at 8:27 am #766974
Told my guy of almost a year I love him and he said the “feeling of love is mutual trust me “
Ugh who says that?
I can’t believe I was with this guy a almost year, we shared everything and he acts like he loves me when he is with me and when he is not too so what gives.
And he can’t say it?September 3, 2019 at 9:14 am #766976
“Mutual” means he feels the same way.September 3, 2019 at 9:24 am #766978
I thought that was his way of being polite.September 3, 2019 at 9:28 am #766981
it means the same , however he did not exactly said I love you which is what you expected to hear, it is a bit of a weird response , however men show love through actions not through wordsSeptember 3, 2019 at 11:13 am #766990
I understand your discomfort. He didn’t say he loved you. A “feeling of love” isn’t the same as saying “I love you”. It doesn’t feel right to get that kind of response, I wouldn’t feel good about it either.
It’s normal to want to hear the words “I love you” (or “I love you too”) from your man’s mouth. No beating around the bush, especially after a year.
It’s true that a lot of men are not comfortable saying it. My boyfriend isn’t comfortable saying it, and does a lot to show me through his actions, but he is definitely not the type to come out and say “I love you” often. BUT, he HAS said the words to me, and continues to do so.
HOWEVER- how is your relationship overall? Do you feel loved by your boyfriend? Is he a good boyfriend otherwise? He might just need to get used to saying it. If that was the first time you said it, he was probably caught off guard. Give him a bit of time, if everything else in the relationship is good. I think women tend to get fixed on those 3 words instead of looking at the big picture. I have had boyfriends who told me they loved me daily but were not good boyfriends (in fact they were terrible boyfriends) in other regards. I wouldn’t trade my guy now for a guy that says “I love you” every day but doesn’t treat me right….I’ll stick with my guy who says it rarely but treats me like a queen in every other way. So it’s really important to look at the big picture.September 3, 2019 at 11:52 am #766993
I agree that it’s an unusual response.
Maybe he feels the same but doesnt feel ready to say it back yet? People are unique in their own ways.
Liz Lemon’s third paragraph has a great pointSeptember 3, 2019 at 12:35 pm #766998
Ouch. The words “feeling of love” is him telling you in man speak “I have strong feelings for you, that go above like, but I am not in love with you.” His are surface feelings, where he enjoys spending time with you, enjoys your company, possibly even misses you when your not there but does not see, envision or picture spending his life with you.
Being in love goes much deeper than just ‘a feeling’. When a man is in love they go beyond just wanting to spend time with you but start treating you like a partner by actively beginning the process of integrating you into their life, as they see you as his wife (life partner).
Has he done any of this? Has he talked about integrating your lives together? Or is it just doing surface stuff together, like a date, sleep over, a future travel plan but nothing beyond that? Just know, those three BIG WORDS have a very significant meaning to a man—it means he is seriously considering you as a long-term partner/mate; the woman he see’s himself settling down with.
Does he say “I love you” to important people in his life, like his mom, dad, sibling(s), children? If so then he’s capable of saying it, he’s just intentionally not saying it to you because when he says them, they have a very significant meaning to him, so he doesn’t use them loosely or lightly.
I know it sucks but best to know now than to continue with someone who isn’t envisioning a future with you. My advice to you is to walk away, as it will do one of two things: 1) validate that he is not in love and is OK not having you in his life as your replaced pretty quickly; or 2) He realizes after some time and reflection that his love is deeper and not having you in is life is painful or worse off than not having you it. In the second option he would naturally step up in a very huge way or he’s blowing smoke up your you know what—only telling you what you want to hear to keep you around for awhile longer.
Bottom line: If its not a HELL YES, then its a HELL NO! Best to walk away before he rips your heart apart when he eventually meets ‘the one’ he will happily say “I love you” too and marry her. Sadly, there have been ladies here who were your position for years, some over a decade, where the man dumped her, and married someone else within a year or two. They were devastated, as they should be, which is why you need to be super careful when you put yourself in this type of situation.September 3, 2019 at 12:52 pm #767001
Lane you totally right, he does not talk about the future with me although we spend so much time together.
Now I think about it, our relationship is very superficial and fake like.
He makes feel like the most important beautiful person when I am with him and he does tell me he misses me when we don’t see each other more than 1 day.
He would spend his off days with me without second thought.
But when it comes to real things he is distant so yes I think it’s time for me to walk away and use my head instead of my heart.
I have no idea how to approach this but I guess I need to soon as.September 3, 2019 at 12:54 pm #767002
Also I never heard him say I love you to anyone.
He says the things he loves about me though.September 3, 2019 at 2:39 pm #767032
The best way to approach it is do so calmly, without any blaming, judgment or eliciting a certain response, as a man communicates best when he doesn’t feel cornered or forced.
I personally, take some space. I use this space to unwind my mind, calm my emotions, and think logically about the situation at hand and how I want to state it in a way that evokes an open and honest discussion, as you are seeking the truth, so treat it as such. He will probably blow up your phone where a quick response such as “I need some space” are words a man understands—that you are thinking and contemplating as to what step or action you need to take.
When you’re ready to discuss it, do NOT do it by text! The best way is face-to-face as you need to focus on not only on his verbal cues (tone, infection) but especially the non-verbal cues (body language) as you can better gauge if he’s annoyed (doesn’t want to talk about it) or engaged in actively listening to what you have to say. It’s critical you really try to remain calm, and unemotional, because men shut down when you do, so best to get there quickly, and succinctly.
I would start the conversation off with “We’ve been together for a year now. The other day I was being vulnerable by opening up about how I feel but you didn’t really tell me how you feel. I need to know if you are in love with me or not?” THE END Keep it short and too the point. Remember, the goal is to seek the truth, not get him to say what you want to hear just to stay stuck in the same situation—its about you having all the facts and information to make the best decision for you, not him, and if its worth staying or going.September 3, 2019 at 10:38 pm #767065
Better off single
Maybe he is trying to create an inside joke?September 4, 2019 at 7:24 am #767086
I feel emotionally conned by him.
I have never experienced such of Intimacy with a person who’s says he does not love me.
It’s over now, he doesn’t want to but because I love him and knowing that he is not there after almost a year, it’s time for me to move on.September 4, 2019 at 7:37 am #767087
have you broke up with him?September 4, 2019 at 8:04 am #767094
Yes I have.September 4, 2019 at 8:08 am #767096
brave woman, this is what I did with my ex after 2 years when I asked about the future he hasn’t mentioned me in his plans so 2 weeks after the conversation I was gone even though we had holidays planned etc
stay strong , you deserve someone who is 100% and who wants to build a future with you, not someone who just wants your company for now.September 4, 2019 at 8:21 am #767101
I feel sick to be honest but it needed to done.
Thanks though, you’re a lot stronger than me, 2 years a lot.September 4, 2019 at 8:48 am #767112
So sorry Ems. At least you got to the truth and no longer residing in the land of uncertainty. Its going to hurt, there’s a loss and void that goes with this kind of break up but you will recover, get stronger; and when ready be open for someone to commit to you 100%…always strive for the 100% mark.September 4, 2019 at 3:37 pm #767196
He just asked me by text; “You still annoyed with me?”
It’s like he is not taking me seriously.September 4, 2019 at 3:54 pm #767197
You will have to set stronger boundaries, the first one is not responding to him. That would be hard if I was receiving messages so you’ll probably need to block him if you are truly serious about breaking this off.September 4, 2019 at 5:38 pm #767203
Stand firm. He’s struggling too as he’s missing the companionship component, and will try different tactics to get that back. Don’t respond, as that gives him an opening to exploit, and may wear you down until you agree. Men respond to ACTION and by not engaging, your actions are sending a very strong message “I’m not interested in pursuing a casual relationship or being stuck in an unrequited love situation.” He isn’t stepping up in any meaningful way which is his way of telling you he’s not interested in any form of commitment, only getting back what you had with you.September 7, 2019 at 7:21 am #769158
Now he is telling me he loves me too but he just shows his love differently. But he agrees we done because I pushed him away.September 7, 2019 at 7:35 am #769159
He’s playing games. If he really loved you this would get back on track. Instead he falsely says the words and then falls back on blaming you for a break up. Time to move on.September 7, 2019 at 9:23 am #769179
if he is really interested he will be back cause he knows you do love him and the only reason you walked away was bec you think he does not love you. he can try playing around with words but he knows you love him. so if he wants to make this work he will be back for sure. take a break from this and do other stuff. he will think and brood over this for a few days I think. if he gets back to you great. and if he doesn’t you atleast know for sure what you did was the right thing to do. so either way you did right. no regrets. all the best.September 7, 2019 at 9:53 am #769187
The thing with him, if he has argument with someone he deletes their name and there is no way of him getting hold of them if he does change his mind.
So unfortunately I have to accept it’s over and move on.
Although I can’t help but blame myself, thinking probably I should’ve given him more days after I told him I loved him instead of jumping into the conclusion that he didn’t love me.September 7, 2019 at 12:19 pm #769200
Ems, if he loved you he would be doing everything in his power to convince you of that and make it work with you. You have done exactly the right thing and if he is trying to make you feel you screwed up then he is a grade A ass-hole. Better to know sooner than later.