This topic contains 53 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Lane 10 months ago.
September 11, 2019 at 9:28 pm #769837
Did he actually admit to getting naked with her in a bed?? Or is that just what the OP has decided happened? I’m not clear about that.
Also… to me the real issue that isn’t being addressed is WHY he would do this. Men who are happy in their relationship don’t get themselves into these situations. Was he lonely, is LDR not working for him? Does he want out of the commitment? Is he mad at her for something and wants revenge? His response of “sorry you feel upset” instead of “I’m sorry I did this, how can I make it up to you” is pretty odd.September 12, 2019 at 5:14 am #769860
Kamille, he didn’t say he was in bed naked with her. I tried to get more information from him on what exactly happened so said “you were naked in bed with another girl and almost slept with her” (because he wasn’t giving me any information) to which he replied “I’m sorry you feel hurt, I’m sorry I’ve hurt you, im sorry you feel this way”
He avoids conflict. I try to piece the story together by saying things that he will either accept or reject (this is the only way I get him to talk).
He always shuts off during conflicts. Its who he is.
All I really know? Is that he got drunk and almost slept with another girl.
Ive no idea where, when, why, who etc. He’s so vague and gives me very little to nothing to go by and the angrier I get? he will just disappear.
I blocked him on Facebook & he ended up emailing me. Angry words were exchanged before he said “I am sorry I hurt you, I can’t take back what I done so I understand if you can’t forgive me”
I have no choice but to let go, if I take him back? Ive set a standard for how I will allow him to treat me.
I firmly told him I can’t be with him as my trust is broken and I will never get this back, in the long run? I’ll bring this up, I’ll never truly forget this and I know it will always crop up in fights. I can’t be with him.
He pretty much said “he wants to chase me but he knows he can’t”
I eventually stopped responding to him – we haven’t spoken since Monday.September 12, 2019 at 5:32 am #769862
He wants to chase you? You are so better off without this guy Alex. He’s making it sound like a game. He’s made a mistake and hurt you. When we make mistakes we need to deal with the consequences that come from them. He sounds like a child. This is not a man. This is a boy who has a hell of a lot of growing up to do before being in a committed relationship.
It also sounds like he doesn’t know how to communicate with you. Nobody likes confrontation but you have to be able to communicate with each other if he’s done something that you’re unhappy with and vice versa otherwise issues will just linger.September 12, 2019 at 6:07 am #769863
See Kim, this is half my issues at times. I feel like the way he communicates can make the situation worse.
So when he said in anger “I almost slept with someone but stopped because of you”
When I got upset and started asking questions he said “I am not justifying myself” and starts to go dismissive and avoiding to the issue. THEN I said “I’m so upset” he replied “I’ll leave you alone if you want”. SO I called him the C word and blocked him.
To which he emailed me getting angry & bringing up pointless fights from 2018, things that had NOTHING to do with this issue. Like he does this to avoid the problem at hand. When I kept changing the conversation back to this topic, he would say “Im sorry you feel hurt” & I said to him “You keep saying you’re sorry for how I feel, but never the act itself, are you even sorry for what you done” to which he replied “At this point im more sorry for how I’ve hurt you, but I can’t undo what I’ve done”
Its like he has no remorse, or empathy or any accountability for what he does. At times, he’d go back to things that happened in November 2018 (silly fall outs, nothing major), and in a way blaming me. He did also say I caused this situation by falling out with him one day and leaving him confused (I can only presume we’ve had a fall out when this happened, but I can’t say for sure as he hasn’t told me when this happened). We’ve had a fair few fall outs mostly LDR related.
His responses a lot of the time come across like he doesn’t care, has no fight, little to no accountability. But yeas, he did say “I want to chase you but I know I can’t” in our last emails to each other – its almost like, he’s given a non apologetic apology, wanting to be with me, not wanting to face this ramifications to his misdoings and will happily walk if things don’t go his way (minimal discussion on the topic).
Its exhausting – and doesn’t make me feel great in regards to my self esteem. He’s given me very little information, no closure, there’s been no apology & he’s walked away so easily – probably rebounding with this girl he almost slept with. It hurts. I can’t lie. This site is massively helping me tho. I come on here every day to read/help others and realising im not alone in my suffering.September 12, 2019 at 8:12 am #769867
Alex I know your hurting, in pain, and feel the ultimate betrayal by his actions, which are all ‘natural’ feelings to have when your partner messes up.
I am not here to defend him, however, as I’ve aged, sought out information, and talked with many men about the subject of sex, especially those who are in committed relationships or married, I’ve become far less rigid in my belief that monogamy. When looking at it biologically, genetically, and the hard-wired imprint of ‘polygamy’ human’s are naturally born with; monogamy, for the most part, is not sustainable for majority of human’s on this earth.
Monogamy is a personal choice, where one has to go against nature in order to abstain from a human’s natural compulsion to be polygamous, and the reality is, majority cannot sustain monogamy perpetually (forever). Men, and women, do go into it believing they will, especially when the relationship is new, and exciting but overtime that changes, and their primal need to seek sex or companionship from others, becomes overpowering to the point they can no longer sustain a monogamous lifestyle.
I am not monogamous. I have cheated on a BF a couple times when I was young, and although I didn’t physically cheat on my ex husband, I emotionally cheated (as did he) because our marriage had become mundane, boring, and passionless over the years 20+ years we were together raising kids, working,and dealing with the day-to-day struggles of maintaining a household. When another man gave me attention it produced a level of excitement, passion, and all those *fuzzy feelings* I used to have with, and get from my husband but no longer did. Although I didn’t cross that physical line because we made a pact, very early in our courtship, that we wouldn’t cheat (have sex with another), and were both committed to that pact—if it wasn’t there, I probably would have, as would he.
I don’t know how old your are, how many relationships you’ve had, or the longest relationship you’ve had but if you find that needle in the haystack, that one man who solidly believes in monogamy, and is capable of not only maintaining it, but the passion, excitement, adoration, and love for 20+ years—then count yourself as one of the rare lucky one’s who joined the 1% club. Just so you know, even the men who have been able to sustain monogamy with their partner for 40+ year, were tempted, and put in similar positions as your BF, but for, they didn’t go through with it because of the loyalty they had for their partner. Something to ponder.
Its not all cut and dry, or black and white—it about understanding the fundamental complexities of being a human.September 12, 2019 at 8:30 am #769868
yes most men cheat, however I am glad you looked at the bigger picture not just the cheating part, because this guy ultimately has no respect for youSeptember 12, 2019 at 8:42 am #769869
@Peggy, I actually understand your point of view. But you don’t understand mine based on your examples and rebuttals. This isn’t even about 100% honesty, but transparency. And there’s a difference.
I think it all boils down to how understanding you are or your partners have been. I come off strongly opinionated often but I’m very understanding and philosphical at my core. In my recent relationship, I told my ex that a very old casual-ex of mine sent me a snapchat on new years out of the blue. I didnt even open it. I told my serious-ex the same day/week (?), and she thanked me for telling her. Said she trusted me. It was a little weird at first because we both had no idea what makes someone send a snap after years like that, but it turned into a nice little moment because of how we both sincerely and together shrugged it off. Conversely, one time one guy in her whatsapp friend group directly messaged her saying she looked hot in her display picture. She immediately told her friend about the guy, who talked to him, and she received an apology. She told me this and I was a little peeved at the guy naturally and told her I wanted to punch him :P, but proud of how she handled it and I trusted her. End of story. Such kind of transparency DID further our relationship. We could be at peace that if anything happened, either one of us would be open about it. Obviously we were mature and reasonable and respected various boundaries by not prodding. I actually feel sad for you because I feel like you haven’t had a deep enough relationship where you could be transparent and didnt fear it would jeopardize things. But I’m sure you’ve had other ways to make your relationships deep and fulfilling.
Alas, if you still don’t get it then I give up. I’m better at making someone understand in person. If you want I can rent the local debate hall this Sunday 6am sharp? Business attire only. Caffeine is cheating. But bring some aloe vera for your mind after I’m done with yoo. JkSeptember 12, 2019 at 9:10 am #769871
@Alex “He avoids conflict. I try to piece the story together by saying things that he will either accept or reject (this is the only way I get him to talk).He always shuts off during conflicts. Its who he is.”
Just based on the type of person you come off, I strongly believe you wouldn’t have been happy long-term with someone who can’t do confrontation maturely, let alone playing fill in the blanks.
Consider him being with another woman in bed a blessing in disguise. Often it’s very difficult to end a relationship unless there is a strong enough reason to. The grief of loss is inevitable, and it will hurt. Even his “Want to chase but I know I can’t” is cringey.September 12, 2019 at 10:42 am #769876
Ewa, I believe he actually did, and why he didn’t go through with it. Men don’t like or want to talk ‘endlessly’ about it as they don’t see any value in doing so if its not geared towards problem solving. Women on the other hand need to know all the teeny little details, as if endlessly talking about them will fix or solve it but it doesn’t, it only makes the situation ten times worse—men intuitively know this, so they stop engaging in it.
Personally, I don’t think he would have said anything if they weren’t “fighting” (per the OP), and I think it was his way of saying “these fights and arguments are taking a toll on me, to the point I almost slept with another woman” It was a big flashing warning light saying our relationship is on very rocky ground right now, and although I haven’t cheated, I’m getting close to doing so if things between us don’t improve.”
I do think the break up was a good idea as this relationship wasn’t working for either of them. The distance took its toll, and best for them to move on hopefully with someone closer, as most couples can’t handle LDR’s—they are not for the faint of heart!September 12, 2019 at 12:00 pm #769881
@Lane “I think it was his way of saying “these fights and arguments are taking a toll on me, to the point I almost slept with another woman””
You got that from his “I almost slept with another woman but stopped because of you”? Interesting.
Of course more context about the fight is needed to be certain, but I’m willing to bet it was a “Look what opportunities I’m giving up because you’re my gf, so you should be more grateful towards me.” His reaction after hints to how he meant it. If it was a “look what our struggles are doing to me :(” he wouldn’t have been so apologetic and evasive on the details, because he could’ve so easily blamed the OP or their struggles for it. But there’s none of that.September 12, 2019 at 1:08 pm #769898
Sorry but what? We’re now resigned to the fact that it’s ok to cheat and think most of all men do so?
@lane, the OP hasn’t been in a marriage for 20 years that’s been one of convenience to raise kids etc within. Whilst I understand what you’re saying about things not being black and white, people shouldn’t cheat on their partners, it really is that simple. The argument that everyone are born cheaters and it’s a big old fight against human instinct to not cheat is just excusing scummy morals in my view. The OP shouldn’t put up with a relationship where she’s only been in it for a relatively short period of her adult life and the partner is saying he nearly slept with someone else and stay in it.September 12, 2019 at 1:23 pm #769901
Polygamy isn’t the definition of cheating or sexing with multiple people. Where the heck did that come from? I suppose you could call it polyamory but even that doesn’t fit the bill because both the poly’s require consent of the other parties.
I’m with Honeypie. That’s the most ridiculous assumption to say that everyone wants to cheat so it must be nature. It’s one thing to stop liking your partner and seek adventure else where. Which is cheating and not just having a wandering libido. It’s another to suggest that a happy couple seeks outside attention. If you are happy there is no reason to cheat.
Emotional cheating is worse than physical cheating. Sex itself can be just a physical release and nothing more. When you emotionally cheat it takes that part of you and gives yourself to another person, which means you aren’t giving it to your partner. So there is no point in even being together. Lane you always say the man has to bond to you emotionally first and not thru sex. So I’m not sure your logic about it was ok for you to emotionally cheat but not physically because you had a pact. You can be such a walking talking contradiction. And I only say this because you state things as if they are scientific proof or because it happened to you or you poll a few guys that it applies to everyone. And that’s just not the case. It’s misleading and for sure discouraging because many couples remain true to each other. The problem is that when relationships begin to break down people avoid either fixing it or just getting out of it. So instead they stay stuck and resort to another persons attention.September 12, 2019 at 1:34 pm #769904
I agree with the above. I don’t understand the logic of assuming that humans are “wired” to cheat & can’t be monogamous. Heck, there are plenty of animals that mate for life.
Cheating is complicated and encompasses a lot of factors. It’s different for every relationship. Talk to 10 couples where one of them cheated on the other and you will get 10 different stories.
What drives people to cheat is totally individual to that person. It’s cultural too, in some cultures it’s more socially accepted for men to cheat on their wives than in others. Wives just look the other way, etc. That’s not a value judgement, it’s just the truth.
There are couples married 50 years who have never cheated on each other. Likewise there are couples where someone cheats in the first 6 months of marriage/relationship when they are technically in the honeymoon period and shouldn’t be bored of each other yet. It’s way too complicated and individual to reduce it to a “natural compulsion”.September 12, 2019 at 3:13 pm #769907
Here’s data from the Kinsey Report on the sexuality of the human male: “Kinsey estimated that approximately 50% of all married males had some extramarital experience at some time during their married lives. Among the sample, 26% of females had extramarital sex by their forties. Between 1 in 6 and 1 in 10 females from age 26 to 50 were engaged in extramarital sex. However, Kinsey classified couples who have lived together for at least a year as “married”, inflating the statistics for extra-marital sex.”
Draw your own conclusions.
Alex… you’re better off without him. He sounds very difficult to be in a relationship with. You can do a lot better, it’s not supposed to be that hard.September 12, 2019 at 4:03 pm #769909
The data you’ve supplied is 80 years old so can’t possibly be considered today.
I attempted to put recent data in, but it was a lot of info so copied and pasted it and it wouldn’t print it- ANM admin can you look at this and see if it complies for submission on here? It’s interesting data.
The upshot of it implies 25% of married men and a reduced figure in women have engaged in unfaithfulness to their partner. Making it far from normal, and actually abnormal.September 12, 2019 at 4:13 pm #769910
Honeypie – lol, that data isn’t 80 years old and even if it were, human nature doesn’t change much. And I said… draw your own conclusions. I”m not for or against these numbers, just posted a study from a recognized expert in the field of human sexuality as food for thought. If you look at data from respected source, it shows a high percentage of both men and women cheat at least one time in their relationship. It’s not OK – just saying it happens.
I think the OP did the right thing to break up. The way he’s delivered this information and is handling the situation as well as the bombshell itself are way out of line and this isn’t a good person to be in a relationship with, much less LDR. My two cents.September 12, 2019 at 4:15 pm #769911
“However, Kinsey classified couples who have lived together for at least a year as “married”, inflating the statistics for extra-marital sex.”
It says right there that the statistics are inflated. He considered anyone dating a year or longer as “married”. In that case I’d be married and so would a lot of posters here!September 12, 2019 at 4:17 pm #769912
Oh sorry- living together, not dating! So I wouldn’t be married :-) Still, we can agree there’s a big difference between living with someone and being married.September 12, 2019 at 4:36 pm #769914
Yes Liz, that’s why I included the disclaimer rather than just quote the statistic. I’ve read various studies and I’ve seen anywhere from 1% to 30% of married women cheated at least once and I’ve seen as high as 40% to 60% of married men have cheated at least once. I’m NOT claiming this study is the final word! My point was simply it does happen, more than we would think.
Also, it’s more complicated these days as to what constitutes “cheating”… talking to others online, signing up for online dating with no intention of meeting someone or following someone on social media, emotional affairs online, cybersex, etc. didn’t exist years ago as they do now.September 12, 2019 at 5:03 pm #769916
Kamille you aren’t referring to the Kinsey Report of 1948 here then? Go on then… 70 years old 😊September 12, 2019 at 5:16 pm #769918
I first thought Kamille posted the study to give support to Lane since that Terminology person commented as if they have a grudge against them. Otherwise, I don’t think people need a study to figure out that cheating in marriages happens more than we know (not everyone gets caught or says they did).
Humans aren’t wired to cheat, yes, but they are certainly not wired to stay with just one person their entire life either. It is all down to each person and choice, which is what Lane says herself. Although I think there’s quite a lot going on in her comment in terms of mixed up definitions, rationalizations, mistaking attraction towards another person as proof of having a cheater mentality etc. I mix up various things myself often like the meanings of psychopath and sociopath.
Bottom line: monogamy isn’t for everyone. Neither is a lifelong partner, marriage, kids, playing the field, and so on. Also, people are human. Mistakes happen. They don’t always define you, so that doesn’t mean you should change your worldview to conform to who you are, or change who you are to fit the reality.September 12, 2019 at 6:10 pm #769919
oh dear, you know, people, that it’s a known rule that all generalizations are likely to fail (which is a paradox by the way, as in saying that I’m making a generalization myself). I don’t really see how statistics on cheating are relevant here. I take it that Lane’s point was simply that what happened here may not be as terrible as it seems, and I agree, especially that the man hasn’t actually cheated. His communication style may be difficult to handle though, especially given the “confession” and LDR. Very sorry OP, this must all be quite stressful.September 12, 2019 at 7:50 pm #769923
I think the biggest issue for me is more his communication style.
Had he had any respect for me? He’d have arranged a time to talk to me and addressed this as best/sensitively as possible, being all like “hey, I done X,y,z, I dont want to go into the details however I am sorry for x,y,z” etc, rather than blurting this out during a fall out, then to go very cold, and dismissive.
He doesn’t address situations in a style thats compatible for me. He hurts me a lot by the way he addresses things.
There was one time during the early stages of us being together, whereby he lied to me. It was a silly, pointless lie & it caused us almost a month of drama. He told me one day he was going shopping, alone. Then a few weeks later my friends was like “oh I seen your man in such and such shop with a girl, they looked pretty cosy” so when I asked where abouts he was seen, they said a shopping centre way out of town. When I asked him, why he lied and was with someone, turns out it was just a friend (this girls genuinely a friend just). I got upset he lied to me and i asked why he felt the need to lie over something so small. Like what impressions had I given him to think he couldn’t hang out with a female friend? it really hurt me, and i said to him i’m ok with him meeting her, but the lie isn’t ok. He? Screamed I was “insane” hung up on me & ignored me for two whole weeks. I received silent treatment for being hurt he lied over something that didn’t need to be lied about. When he came back 2 weeks later? he was entirely sorry, however he handled the situation – completely the wrong way! When he knows he’s done something wrong, he will often shift the blame to me, and only during him being left alone he realises his errors and comes back. Its just so painful to deal with.
I could have maybe overlooked this whole incident, but I cant overlook how badly he hurts me via his methods of communicating.September 12, 2019 at 8:09 pm #769928
Some interesting debating but let’s not go too far into the weeds. :)September 12, 2019 at 8:20 pm #769931
Not all people cheat. People, who lack respect for the other person, are very likely to cheat on them. That’s the bottom line.