This topic contains 53 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Lane 2 months ago.
September 10, 2019 at 1:42 am #769613
Me & my LDR bf are fighting right now & I dont know if I can believe him. Thoughts?
He slipped up in a fall out & told me he “almost slept with another girl but stopped because of me”
Ive tried my hardest to get further information on this but he literally replies almost avoiding all my questions.
Ive said things like, you had her in your bed, both naked & you almost slept with her…to which he replies things like
“I am sorry for the way this has made you feel. I got drunk. I won’t justify myself”
and somehow completely manages to avoid anything at all about the situation (like why this happened, what happened etc)
I ASK: Would you believe this? Suddenly your partner gets a touch of a conscious JUST as he is about to do the deed and stops because of you….Believable? Chances?
I mean Ive ditched him for sure.
Ive blocked him on all platforms & today he emails me…keeps saying he’s sorry for how this makes me feel (notice he doesn’t apologise for the act).
I just want know if any of you would believe this?
I feel he slept with her.September 10, 2019 at 1:47 am #769614
Next!September 10, 2019 at 1:49 am #769615
Raven – You think he did too?September 10, 2019 at 1:58 am #769616
It doesn’t matter if he did or not…
He put himself in an un-reservable situation… It’s his intent that matters.September 10, 2019 at 2:02 am #769617
wow – I actually never thought of it like that. Im at this very angry stage. I don’t even feel pain. Just solid anger at this. I feel like he’s lying to me, however you’re right – it doesn’t matter if he did or didn’t – its the intent.September 10, 2019 at 2:13 am #769618
Yup…September 10, 2019 at 3:35 am #769619
Why did he tell you? Stop asking him questions it will only make you feel worse..the details will haunt you. And yes he is lying. Two people naked in a bed drunk and it was just silly honest fun. Men aren’t good with long distance they enjoy the physical part too much. Good for you for blocking him and from personal experience trust me finding out details makes it way worse..are you guys young? Sorry that happened. Maybe if he is telling you this he is kind of trying to get out and find his freedom. In that case leave him be as you have. Theres really no excuse for him to be “sleeping naked” next to somebody. Anyways ditch him and find your own naked buddy. xoxo Hope you are okaySeptember 10, 2019 at 3:37 am #769620
whether he did it when drunk or not it doesn’t matter, his intentions were to sleep with another women and he was really close to do it.the end of the storySeptember 10, 2019 at 5:45 am #769625
Sweetie. Break up with him you deserve so much better than what this guy can give you. I was in a long distance relationship as well. It’s not easy but you have to trust that when you are not there your partner is being faithful to you. In this case this guy has broken that trust. You clearly cannot trust him.
So what if he didn’t actually do the deed? He was still in a situation that someone who is ready to be in a committed relationship shouldn’t be in. No offence to you, but he sounds like an absolute dickhead. Congrats to him for doing everything but actually sleeping with another girl. He should’ve thought about you before the girl was in his bed in the first place. It’s really not good enough.
Dump his ass and don’t contact him again. Have respect for yourself and realise you deserve better than him. The sorry has come to little to late.September 10, 2019 at 6:42 am #769631
I agree with and will reinforce what others have said. The truth will not set you free one way or another. It’s not about if it’s believable. For a LDR, something like this poisons the trust. It’s terminal whether you give it another chance or not.
Someone who is mature and truly faithful to their significant other doesn’t put themselves in risky situations to begin with. And distance relationships require such proactive good judgement even more. It’s respectable that he told you what happened. But he’s not boyfriend material.
Well done, Alex, for recognizing that this was wrong even though you didn’t have all the details, and rightfully blocking him. Wishing you strength and a speedy recovery from the breakup.September 10, 2019 at 7:19 am #769632
*that it happened.September 10, 2019 at 9:54 am #769641
Better off single
Don’t men tend to live in the moment and don’t often think of the consequences?
He slipped and confessed. He was guilty. He admitted it. Now hes begging for forgiveness.
You probably did the right thing or you could get him to submit, grab him by the balls and threaten with an ultimatum. Isn’t that what women do?
Long distance relationships are tough especially when you want your partner next to you. I’m not saying what he did was right. He made a mistake and was honest with you. He said he stopped because of you. Did he sleep with her and come up with a white lie so it didn’t seem as bad? Probably. Did he stop talking to her because he wants you more? Probably.
I can’t tell you how many stupid things I’ve done because I was drunk and not thinking clearly.September 10, 2019 at 11:06 am #769652
He was naked in bed with another woman. It doesn’t make a difference if he had intercourse surely? No way were they led there with a pillow between them. Sounds like you’re in shock of what’s happened- understandably- but there’s no getting through that to my mind.September 10, 2019 at 11:12 am #769653
Whether he slept with her or not (I believe he did) that’s a situation a man who is in committed relationship should not be in.
Dump him and don’t look back, nothing he says will make you feel better.
Sorry this happened to you.September 10, 2019 at 11:24 am #769655
What if he did it? What if he didn’t do it? What does it matter? Stop torturing yourself over whether he did it or not. You decided you are not forgiving this incident and broke up with him. He’s handling this poorly. “I’m sorry for the way this makes you feel” is not even close to “I’m sorry I did this and I will never do it again.” I’d have dropped him too.
If someone does stupid things while drinking, they should stop drinking and not blame the alcohol and address the real problem. It’s not rocket science.
What confuses me is why people feel the need to confess when they did a one-off something stupid. If my BF made one mistake while drunk I wouldn’t want to know about it. That’s his to live with. Why make it your partner’s problem too.September 10, 2019 at 3:07 pm #769729
I’m only human
Not everyone is a planner and thinks things through. That’s all I’m saying. It takes a few mistakes to learn. Hopefully he learned to keep it to himself when he does it again because once an almost cheater is always an almost cheater.
You were right to dump him. It’s probably better to forgive and forget than forgive and give him another chance to “prove” himself and disappoint you.
Good for you hon.September 10, 2019 at 3:13 pm #769731
Better off single
I always wonder what it is the girlfriend is saying or doing to get a guy to let go of the will to control himself from sleeping with another woman and saying “No, I’m good. I’ve got someone” ?
What can a woman do to keep her man from cheating on her?
Everyone is different so I’m sure it’s a myriad of reasons.September 10, 2019 at 3:48 pm #769733
I would question a mans motive of telling you this. It’s the perfect way to get a woman to break up with you.September 10, 2019 at 9:27 pm #769770
He told me during an argument. It slipped out that he almost slept with someone. I have no idea when it happened. As I said he’s vague and gives little away. He’s like this in conflict, he will say the bare minimum to avoid disputes. When he told me, I called him the C word and instantly blocked him. To which he emails me, and now I just ignore him. It’s hard. I know I will find someone better. I’m home in the matter of weeks too which makes this even more frustrating.
All this advice has really helped me however. I feel like I’ve 100% done the right thing and that overthinking/asking questions will further haunt me. I still know very little other than he almost slept with someone and was drunk. I dont know when/where/why/who etc. I haven’t been in contact with him since I posted on here…Thanks for all the help. Means a lot.September 11, 2019 at 9:27 am #769804
@Peggy “I would question a mans motive of telling you this. It’s the perfect way to get a woman to break up with you.”
Um, how about someone who values transparency in a relationship above everything else? Or has a conscience? It spooks me how many couples are strategic about their truths with their partner, and lie by omission. I guess if you’re happy with that kind of a relationship, that’s all that matters eh (no sarcasm). I screwed up (borderline cheated?) twice via texting. Screwed up few other times that had nothing to do with infidelity. Confessed it all with varying delays. I was forgiven, and I wanted another chance, but would’ve accepted being dumped for some of those mistakes.
It makes perfect sense he said/spilled it during a fight. I did that myself a couple of times. Wanted to tell her but felt too vulnerable/attached/afraid to say it. It somehow became easier to share during our “polite arguments.” Cowardly of me. But a learning lesson for me going forward that I should be more courageousSeptember 11, 2019 at 11:30 am #769814
I totally disagree with you Anderson. In this case he wasn’t being transparent. They were having an argument and he likely said it to hurt her. He wasn’t being transparent or open and honest. It’s one thing to feel remorse and have a conversation. This was said in the heat of the moment. In your case I also question why you would feel the need to blurt out in a heated conversation. The odds of saying something nice during an argument isn’t happening and usually each party is seeking someway to come out on top of hurt the other individual. It’s not about confession. It’s like saying, yeah? Well because of xyz, I had a woman who wanted me and we did xyz…
Secondly, there are people who say it to feel as if they are relieving some kind of guilt or use the excuse they need to be honest and have no secrets. They only care about getting the guilt off their chest but not how much it will hurt their partner. So for example, they admit a year or so after the fact of something that happened. Well, now they feel better supposedly. But they just messed up the head of the partner. Did knowing really make the relationship stronger? Of course not. Not in the majority of cases. It now breeds trust issues, lowers the partners self esteem, makes them question what you haven’t told them and whether or not to worry about this in the future. It’s a selfish act IMO. If the partner who cheated just stopped of their own volition and kept things on the right path, why would telling their partner help the situation or make things stronger?
That’s my opinion. I think it’s actually rare when people confess about transgressions in a way that it’s beneficial for both parties. It’s one thing to be open and honest for example if an ex connects with you or if you meet them for lunch. Especially if it was innocent you don’t want to be perceived as holding back to create suspicion. But to flat out confess, oh I sexted with another woman a year ago and want to come clean? I’m not getting it.
This is similar to the topic of oversharing about past lovers. How many. What you did sexually. It doesn’t further the relationship.September 11, 2019 at 5:39 pm #769825
@Peggy I actually agree that in this case, he wasn’t being transparent and accidentally confessed. That part’s obvious. I was instead responding to your “I would question a man’s motive…” which seemed to imply some sort of general truth. I was reacting to that generalization.
I guess we just have different principles and perspectives. What you do makes sense for you. For me it might never make sense. I couldn’t withhold a truth that I knew would jeopardize a relationship. And I’ve done that everytime barring one instance. Such a rship is not worth much and instead a sham. If disclosing it is selfish then is hiding it selfless? There is something disturbing and backwards about this line of thinking.
In my personal experience, when I confessed my screw up it didnt absolve me from anything. Selfish was keeping it to myself where the guilt was occasional. After, it gave the guilt and shame a life. That guilt didn’t disappear even though I was forgiven. It still hasn’t completely gone even though the relationship is over. I violated a principle, one I believed in for a long time and stuck by many times, and that made me a hypocrite. Yeah, it’s human to be hypocritical. But I strive to hold myself to higher standards than the average human ;)
I have no idea about the experiences you’ve had that have shaped your reality. Maybe the people you’ve dated confessed for the wrong reasons. I’ve done some wicked and questionable things at various ages and shared them with every girl I’ve been serious with. Some of that stuff, I’m sure some women would dump me over. Hasn’t happened yet but it would be very understandable if it did. But sharing shameful and embarrassing things is the essence of building emotional intimacy for me. People I don’t feel emotionally vulnerable with are the ones I can quit ridiculously easily. And speaking from experience, many facets of life are way too easy and meaningless by being fake, pretending, lying, or tricking others.September 11, 2019 at 6:05 pm #769827
OP- i think it is possible that your bf was telling the truth. It happened to me and Im on the other side of the equation (im the other girl). This guy Im with suddenly stopped after a few seconds of trying to put it in. We were already both naked in bed and in position. I couldnt believe he suddenly stopped and was like “no sex, lets just cuddle” after maybe thrusting twice.
I think my guy is single but Im just saying it is possible for a man’s conscience to stop him on the act, so dont assume they had sex. Whether to forgive or not is another thing.September 11, 2019 at 7:44 pm #769833
Ok Anderson. Using your principle then you should always be honest and tell your wife or gf she gained weight, she doesn’t look good in that dress. You don’t like the curtains she picked out or the gift she just gave you for your birthday. My point is that just because it pops into your head doesn’t mean you aren’t considerate about how the other person would take it if you always told the black and white truth. If you laid in bed with a woman and didn’t have sex and it happened one time while drunk, how does confessing that to your woman further the relationship? As you can see in this case she dumped him. Was it a one off? Was it similar to things you claim you have done wrong? Most women are not going to be forgiving and if they initially are the trust has already been broken and over time that alone will cause the relationship to fall apart. There is nothing fake about withholding certain information. If I travel and a guy flirts at me in a restaurant I don’t go home and tell my husband, hey guess what some guy tried to pick me up. Why would he care and if nothing happened all you sound like you are doing is trying to make him jealous. Obviously we agree to disagree on the topic. But if you are so moral to begin with you wouldn’t need to be making these types of confessions. Which is why I question the motive of fessing up. It may not diminish your guilt but it sure just spreads it around so now both of you can be miserable.September 11, 2019 at 8:29 pm #769834
If my boyfriend got drunk and naked with another woman, my trust would be shattered whether or not he slept with her. As Khadija said, how would a man in a committed relationship even get into that situation? I would not be able to trust him, period. Because if that’s how he behaves then he could very well find himself in that situation again. And the next time he might not have the restraint to not sleep with her (assuming he’s even telling the truth about not sleeping with her).
Put the shoe on the other foot. How would you boyfriend react if you told him you got drunk and naked with another guy, but swore you didn’t have sex with him?