This topic contains 52 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Narc 1 year ago.
June 12, 2019 at 4:37 pm #753470
Thank you so much to everybody for your input. I really appreciate it. I see now I was wrong and made a huge, huge mistake by opening my mouth and assuming anything. That will never happen again. In the future I guess I just need to remain neutral with men and wait for them to make a move. If this experience- and others- have taught me anything, it’s that when I make the first move, or I even begin to think about getting a crush on somebody, then it’s doomed. I’m dead to him now, so, there’s nothing more I can do.
Moving on won’t be easy, right now I have no eyes for anybody else. But it’s the only choice I have.June 12, 2019 at 4:45 pm #753471
Murphy’s law sucks
You’re gonna be OK. If you think back on it, think about what you can do to make it right (with someone else, since this one went nowhere) in the future. It’s okay to get a crush on someone, Just keep it contained as much as possible, stay realistic, stick to your values, and wait for them to make the move.June 12, 2019 at 4:53 pm #753472
That was my mistake. I thought I was being realistic. From the time I first started developing an attraction to him, to just a few days ago, I kept silent and was silent for months. That why I read an analyzed every word, every movement, every action. I wanted to make sure, to know, there was possibility for something more before I said something. And his actions and his words suggested to me that maybe it was possible; perhaps not a “relationship” right now, but I thought he had some kind of interest. I mean, most men treat you like garbage if they don’t like you. At least that’s my experience. They don’t say that you have a beautiful smile, or your bring light and energy to their day, that they hope to see you soon, etc.
Sure, he was just being nice and gentlemanly, which I appreciate. But that kindness got my hopes up. Now I’m just wishing he had treated me like crap because at least then I would have known where our friendship stood.June 12, 2019 at 5:12 pm #753474
Take it easy
You’re better off just letting it go and when/if you do see him again, try to calm your intensity. Go slow.
What’s that saying about a caged bird? Set it free and if it comes back to me it was meant to be?
Keep moving.June 12, 2019 at 5:12 pm #753477
Take it easy
Also never mistake kindness for weakness some of the kindest people have darker sides when pushed the wrong way.June 12, 2019 at 5:13 pm #753478
Thank you. Everybody. I mean it.
<3June 12, 2019 at 6:17 pm #753485
That why I read an analyzed every word, every movement, every action.
There’s your issue right there. What’s meaningful to you or something that you may have picked out as a “sign” is more often than not a different meaning to someone else or doesn’t mean anything at all to them. It’s funny how the same information can effect people on different ways.
I battle with the same issues and doing those things can send your brain into a thinking overload exploding out a panic attack and psychobabble. It does for me anyway.June 12, 2019 at 8:27 pm #753498
“it’s doomed. I’m dead to him now”
“most men treat you like garbage if they don’t like you”
“Now I’m just wishing he had treated me like crap”
I really hope you aren’t normally this negative! You can’t be so extreme when it comes to dating. Just because a guy didn’t react the way you had hoped he would when you flirted, you can’t turn it into a catastrophe. That’s such a turn off. Relationships and dating have their ups and downs. Things don’t always go your way. You have to keep your chin up, take lessons where you can find them, and try to stay positive. Positivity and confidence are huge turn ons for men. Negativity and pessimism are huge turn offs.
There is nothing about what you described that would lead me to believe that you’re “dead to him now”. He did not react the way you had hoped, but maybe you will reconnect when he’s back in the USA. Maybe you won’t. Either way, you will be okay. If you don’t develop a relationship with this guy, you will find someone else. It’s not like you had a great love affair with this person– it was mostly just a fantasy in your head. It would be one thing if you had a serious relationship with him that failed. This was nothing! It was all in your head. You need to keep it in perspective.
Can I ask how old you are? And whether you have much dating experience? You just seem very immature and inexperienced is all (I don’t mean to be offensive). It seems like you lack perspective but I’m wondering if it’s just because you’re young and inexperienced.June 12, 2019 at 9:24 pm #753502
No worries- no offense taken. I get what you’re saying.
I am in my early 30’s. Not too young, but you are right. There is a lot of immaturity on my part when it comes to relationships. When I was younger, I was in a series of very bad, abusive- physically and mentally- relationships. The last guy I dated was 10 years ago. I eventually came to a point where I was sick and tired of having my heart constantly broken so I eventually swore off dating all together. I’m literally celibate at this point, lol. So there is definitely a lack of dating experience or any experience at all, really, with men.June 12, 2019 at 10:05 pm #753503
I’ve done a lot of thinking and even went on a long walk today to clear my mind.
I want to keep the hope that he might still want to reconnect when he returns. I’m just scared I’ve ruined any friendship we had. He was willing to remain friends and keep in touch before I opened my mouth, and once I did- and began acting on those feelings- he pulled back.June 12, 2019 at 11:21 pm #753510
I’m sorry that you have had a history of bad, abusive relationships. The fact that you are in your early 30s and swore off dating for 10 years means you’re basically in your early 20s as far as dating experience goes. And there is a world of difference between early 20s and early 30s when it comes to dating! So you do have some growing and maturing to do when it comes to relationships.
I think you’re being very hard on yourself. You did not screw anything up or do anything wrong. You got carried away a little bit, psychologically, but that doesn’t make this situation a lost cause by any means. He might still get in touch. But, if this guy does not contact you again and nothing happens, I would really hate for you to let your heart be totally broken again by this. It’s not worth it. No man is worth it. Your value and self esteem are not pegged to any one man. There are other guys out there for you, if this one does not work out.
Have you thought about seeking counseling to work through some of these issues? It’s a cliche but you really do have to love yourself before someone else can love you.
I hope you have a wonderful summer and don’t let this guy haunt you too much! Let this be a learning experience for you, and grow from it.June 13, 2019 at 2:48 am #753516
I am wondering what should I do after a guy, who I am interested in getting know, didn’t reply back to my last text which was on Friday and it’s Thursday now, so six days of not hearing back from him. We have been talking since April and now, I haven’t heard back from him for 6 days. What should I do? Wait for him to text me first or should I text him? Need advice, please.June 13, 2019 at 2:52 am #753517
Hi VB, if you text him and he responds, you can’t tell if he’s being polite or is interested. It sounds like he’s fading / gone but you’ve just got to carry on with your life and let him reach out or otherwise. Something might have happened to occupy all his time – a family emergency, or another woman. You get on with doing your stuff…June 13, 2019 at 4:56 am #753519
I really feel that you need to get out there and start dating again. initially just focus on forming friendships and going out on fun dates. nothing too heavy. reading your last posts gives an idea of why you behaved the way you did. you got too hot and heavy over casual interaction. u have to learn to relax unwind and go with the flow. you made too many attempts to reach out despite getting no encouraging response from him. don’t beat yourself. learn from this. ideally let the man initiate in the getting to know phase. let him take the lead in expressing interest. go out date casually have fun.June 13, 2019 at 8:29 am #753531
““it’s doomed. I’m dead to him now”
“most men treat you like garbage if they don’t like you”
“Now I’m just wishing he had treated me like crap””
You really need to work on your esteem. This guy has not decided that he “hates” you because you were a little overly chatty when he got home. In general, people don’t work that way and it’s not so black and white. Some people are better than others at putting casual relationships behind them.
Look at it this way, a great guy valued you enough to spend time with you. Unfortunately a lot of what goes into a relationship is about place and time. This was the wrong place and time for this guy. He doesn’t hate you, he just realizes it’s the wrong time and place.
What you need to do is take from this that you were good enough to attract someone who was amazing. Take that energy and confidence into the next guys. I have some low esteem about my appearance. Yet I have a couple of really amazing FWB who think I’m hot AF. So when some guy treats me poorly, I remember that a better man than him thinks I’m hot, and I walk.
So go out there, date, and the next time some loser tries to make you feel like garbage, remember that you had a great guy who was into you, and walk away and say “NEXT PLEASE”.June 13, 2019 at 2:18 pm #753556
Any woman who has this much time to post multiple, lengthy, overly-detailed stories has way too much time on her hands — You’re either sitting around obsessing over this guy or sitting around posting about obsessing over this guy. Obviously all that time is not helpful to your situation.
Go out and do something. Get your mind off of it and like someone else said — live real life. Maybe he’ll be in touch, maybe not. He went back home, let him settle in with his family and friends and you go do you.June 13, 2019 at 2:56 pm #753563
I thank you for your comment, I do appreciate it very much. But please do not judge what you do not know. I do keep busy. I do have hobbies. My original post was written while I was traveling. My subsequent posts (mainly yesterday’s) were written on a day that I had off. I am a single woman who lives alone. I have no kids. When I am not working, yes, I have a bit of extra free time on my hands that many others might not have. Not everybody has to be constantly busy and going every second, of every minute, of every hour, of every day. Some of us do have down time.
Forgive me for using it.June 14, 2019 at 1:38 pm #753680
So more thinking over the last couple days and I have to say, I am feeling much better today than at any point so far. I thank you everybody very much for all your help and suggestions. I came here to look for outside input from people who aren’t friends or family, they can be biased sometimes.
I still feel like a fool. Not for how I felt, just for how I acted. No, I didn’t go all crazy psycho, but I feel bad for misreading the vibe and probably even making him uncomfortable. I know it weirds me out when people say they like me, but I don’t feel the same way.
However, I am curious… should I reach out and apologize? Not to try and keep things going, but I really do feel bad if he felt awkward or uncomfortable and I really don’t want to leave him with the impression that I was only after him for one thing. His friendship was special and did mean something to me, regardless how things turned out. And I certainly meant no disrespect towards him.June 14, 2019 at 2:04 pm #753682
Why would you apologize for a few messages and trying to keep in touch? You didn’t do anything wrong. He gets that you like him and he gets that you mean no ill will towards him. He never told you to back off/stop/leave him alone.
You apologizing ends up seeming like you are fishing for something more, manipulating, looking for some sympathy, because YOU DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG. Being awkward isn’t something to apologize for. You tried to keep something going and it didn’t pan out. It’s happened to all of us, and probably him. If you text this guy some apology for sending some friendly texts, you are actually going to begin veering into crazy girl territory.
The best thing you can do is NOT REACH OUT. And I bet in a few weeks or a month he pops up and says hi.June 14, 2019 at 3:03 pm #753686
Just stop already.June 14, 2019 at 4:02 pm #753695
You have a serious mental problem. Apologize, reach out, do whatever you are going to do. You just can’t seem to recognize that the man has to pick you first, for any of this to work. And that has not happened in what you describe. Stop chasing men!June 14, 2019 at 4:19 pm #753697
OMG, you don’t have to be that nasty. It’s not a mental problem to be confused/disappointed/want it to work with a guy.
This poor poster already feels badly enough without being told she has a mental problem for having some heartache and a desire to connect with a man that she spent some quality time with. The VAST majority of women on here have been through something similar. Most women aren’t cold automaton’s who get involved with a guy and just laugh it off when they fade out.
I fully agree, chasing this guy won’t work, but chasing a guy and having a mental illness are two different things. Think about it, a guy sends you a couple of sweet texts that you respond to politely and you aren’t into it, and he’s a little bumbling, you aren’t thinking psycho/mentally ill and owes you an apology.June 14, 2019 at 4:23 pm #753699
Chasing any guy won’t work. She has written on and on and on without one but of awareness. I know she feels bad and I’m trying to not coddle her but teach her at her age to grow up and start learning how to interact with men. If you don’t learn you keep repeating the same mistakes. She is mourning over a man who didn’t even love her!June 14, 2019 at 4:27 pm #753700
Please don’t contact him. Anon summed it up well, you did not do anything remotely wrong, and it will make you look like you’re fishing for something. You will start to look obsessive if you contact him to apologize over literally nothing, and that will scare him off and prevent him from wanting to see you when he’s back in the country.
Just breathe and take a step back. Focus on something else. Give him a chance to miss you, he can’t miss you if you are constantly initiating contact. Let him feel curious about what you’ve been doing and reach out on his own. I’m willing to bet he will get in touch if you just leave him alone for a little while.June 14, 2019 at 4:32 pm #753701
Yes, that makes total sense. I know I didn’t do anything really wrong, I’m just the kind of person who always apologizes. For everything. Something to focus on fixing :) We’ll see what happens!