This topic contains 52 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Narc 11 months, 2 weeks ago.
June 8, 2019 at 12:20 pm #752936
This may get lengthy but please bear with me. I really don’t know what to do. Bottom line, we parted ways and everything, as far as I knew, was great. He mentioned several times wanting to see me again when he returns, we texted a couple times after that and it’s been almost 2 days now and I haven’t heard anything.
A few months back, I met this amazing man but simply due to the nature of my work, I was unable to reach out to him to try and get to know him better. But on the occassions I did see him for just a couple brief minutes, he seemed interesting and I eventually got to a point where I wanted to get to know him more. When I learned he was heading back to his home country for the summer, I was heartbroken. I thought I would never see him again, and oddly enough, in his last few weeks here we seemed to get closer. I was out sick for 3 days at one point and every day he would stop by my work and ask how I was doing, if I was okay, and when I’d be back. When I returned he greeted me with a huge smile and a hug.
About a week before he went back home, he stopped by again and said he had a gift for me. He had a couple pieces of artwork he created and told me I could pick one, “I want you to have it” he says. I was absolutely speechless. His work was beautiful and I was touched that he thought of me to give me such a beautiful gift. Before we parted ways that afternoon, we gave each other yet another hug (he embraced quite tightly) and he said to me “I will miss you every morning!” (we usually crossed paths in the mornings). I then asked him to find me one last time before he left for the airport because I had a gift for him and he said he would- and he did.
When he stopped by, I asked him if he had a few minutes because I wanted to finally have a chance to sit down and talk to him without work interference. He said yes and we went and chatted for a few minutes. During our conversation I learned he was coming back to the States for school again in the fall, and he would be local again. He kept saying things like “I will come visit” and “I will see you again soon”. As part of his gift, I had written him a card and basically put it out there how his kindness and thoughtfulness had touched my heart and he would be missed. I thought it might be too much, and was extremely nervous giving it to him. As it turns out, he also had written me a card. When I read it later on, I learned that both our cards said similar things… thanking each other for just being a positive force in the others’ life. So I felt less nervous about him reading mine. We also added each other on Facebook to keep in touch. I also noticed during our time chatting, he seemed very interested. Body language was open, directed at me, he listened and engaged in the conversation. No phone distraction. He looked me in the eyes. Dilated pupils. Raised eyebrows. And there were 3 hugs within a 15 minute period. The last one he got up and put his arms around my waist trying to hold me tight. But I wasn’t sure about his moves so I wrapped my arms around his neck. I just didn’t know if he liked me so I played it safe. He even put his arms around my waist as I stood up and he and stood very close as we took a couple selfies. Just before parting ways he walked around me and patted my upper arm and flashed me a smile.
A couple hours later he sent me a message on FB saying he was leaving, it was great seeing me and he would see me again soon. Then I didn’t hear from him for about a day while he flew back home. I had asked him to shoot me a message when he lands just so I knew he made it home safe and he said he would (and he did). I had mentioned in one of our texts that I wished I had the opportunity to get to know him better before he left and would like to keep in touch through the summer if it was okay with him. He responded with “No problem, I will be sure to see you again soon”. That’s when he went silent while on the plane, and messaged me when he landed, and thanked me. I sent a response text saying he was welcome.
That was almost two days ago. Now… maybe he is just getting readjusted to being home. Maybe he’s been busy or pre occupied… but he’s been online several times, and didn’t even read the last message I sent. It’s sitting in his inbox, unread.
I know I need to be patient and give this time, but I just can’t help but feel something is wrong. If everything went so great, why not read my message? Why not respond? I don’t want to seem needy- so I haven’t said or done anything- but I am going a bit crazy. I just want to hear from him is all. He is truly special and I do miss him. I feel as though I’ve done something wrong and maybe he chose to not speak to me. But I just have no clue.June 8, 2019 at 1:23 pm #752939
So he definitely likes you. But its not sensible or dignified to push for daily texting. You obviously want to begin a relationship via text.
Better to keep yourself an exciting mystery woman instead of exchanging daily deep texts. Live in real life.
You like him but he’s gone. Asking him to text you that he arrived safely was ok, but unnecessary.
It’s an obvious ploy to begin daily Communication as if you are a couple.
Leave him alone. Live your life.June 8, 2019 at 1:41 pm #752940
Hi underline spragg. Thank you for your response. I’m not looking to begin a relationship via text. I am just nervous is all. He really is a great guy, friendly, thoughtful, respectful so I want to take things easy and slow and do this right. I guess I’m just afraid, is all. I don’t have the best experience when it comes to dating. Most people treat me like garbage then ghost on me, so this anxiety is a perfectly normal reaction based on my experiences. I am just so worried at the same time. My plan is to just give it the rest of the weekend and then shoot him a message if he hasn’t reached out by then, just to say hi and hope he’s enjoying being home. That should be fine I would think? I guess this what I am unsure of. Is he waiting for me to text again? Should I wait for him? I am living my life, I am visiting family this weekend and having a great time. Just don’t want to not say anything if maybe he’s waiting for me, and possibly ruin whatever friendship we have going.June 8, 2019 at 6:53 pm #752968
I need an advise and reassurance.
I met this guy on a dating site few weeks ago and it felt like years because we interact well, discuss about the future, family together soon. We communicate through chats and video calls and it been real. But he stops chatting two days ago giving excuses that he was busy for calls and chats, i noticed he changed his chat settings(he reads messages but showing he hasn’t read them), he has also been on line but not chatting me. He replied me with “will chat you soon” and haven’t heard from him since our last chat almost two days ago and we plan on meeting soonest. I feel like I’m losing him, have become so fold of him. Please advise meJune 8, 2019 at 7:13 pm #752972
You are trying to read into too many things. You can’t have a real relationship if he lives far away. And especially if you didn’t have one while together.June 8, 2019 at 7:35 pm #752976
You didn’t have him to lose him… Sorry-June 12, 2019 at 8:47 am #753404
I know I didn’t “have” him in particular, but what I (we) did have was a good friendship. That’s what I fear is now lost. I did manage to shoot him a follow-up text after those two days, just asking how he was doing, and giving a brief update on my weekend. His response was rather cool, just simply “Thank you, I hope you have a great summer break too”. Nothing to push the conversation forward.
It’s been another three days and I still have heard nothing from him. This pretty much gives me my answer and that’s all well and good. What I don’t understand is how he could be so warm and inviting and passionate and kind and… everything… while he was here, but as soon as he leaves I just get a totally different vibe. Am I repulsive or something? Did I say something wrong? Or maybe he just decided being friends was okay, but when I said I wanted to get to know him better… maybe that was too much?
I’m going crazy over here. All I want is answers. I am moving on with my life, but he’s still there in my mind, this is all still pretty fresh. The thing that gets me most is, all the times he said “I will see you soon”, “I will see you again”, “I will be sure to see you again”, “I will come visit”… did he mean that? Because I would very much like to see him if it’s what he wants, but don’t want to hold out hope for something if maybe he was just saying it to be nice.June 12, 2019 at 8:59 am #753405
you say you had great friendship , you don’t even know if he is single
and if he is just your friends then why are you so bothered about it ? I text my friends ,some take days to respond to me I certainly wouldn’t be pushing someone I barely know to answer my text.
he might see you when he is back, but for now he is enjoying his time at home.June 12, 2019 at 9:12 am #753406
He is single. At least he was when he left. Doesn’t mean he hasn’t found somebody in the past week though.
I get what you’re saying. If he is just a friend, why does this bother me so much? It bothers me because I do care about him, as a person, as a human being. And yes, I do like him- that much I think is obvious. I guess I had reached a point where I wanted to move onto something more, and he just didn’t/doesn’t feel the same way.
There’s also that part of me that just misses him, and I think this plays a bigger role than anything else. Whenever he was around, whenever we’d chat, I felt good being with him. I enjoyed being in his presence. There’s something soothing and calming about his demeanor. He always knew how to make me smile, and he always made me feel like I was the only one in the room.
I suppose my feelings were just more developed than his. I understand. But it still stings. Wherever he is, whatever he is doing, I only hope he’s happy. He deserves nothing less.June 12, 2019 at 9:36 am #753407
Sometimes for whatever reason, men just detach and there isn’t anything you can do.
I think a lot don’t see much reason to communicate regularly unless they are in a relationship, regardless of how they might feel about you. I have a couple FWB who are incredibly warm, caring and loving in person, but we don’t keep in touch much.
Anyhow, I saw a guy this weekend that I hadn’t seen in years. We barely keep in touch. When we saw each other, it was like lovers reunited. And he is gone again, and quiet. He’s not repulsed and I didn’t do anything wrong. It’s just the way that relationship goes.
So no, you didn’t do anything wrong. He’s not thinking “oh, I hate that ^%^*&%”. You just aren’t really on his radar because there is no real reason to talk to you all the time right now.June 12, 2019 at 9:48 am #753408
Thank you, Anon, for your response. You’re right. I think I just wasn’t quite as ready to let go yet, as he was. If he’s curious how I’m doing, he’ll reach out. Or maybe I can message him in a few weeks and see how that goes. But for now, I just need to accept it for what it is and move on.
Not my strong suit, lol.June 12, 2019 at 10:05 am #753411
What you’ve done wrong is to create a fantasy in your head that you’re in some kind of relationship with this guy and he should be making daily contact! You have taken some sweet gestures and a few words he said before he left and analyzed everything down to his pupils and eyebrows to convince yourself he likes you and wants to keep in touch with you every day while he’s gone. Just because you became FB friends before he left to keep in touch doesn’t mean he’s going to contact you every day. And the fact he’s letting 2-3 days go by at a time without reading your messages or contacting you clearly shows his expectations of keeping in touch and yours were not the same. One of my favorite sayings is a man can’t miss you if you don’t go away!! You need to learn some patience and sit back and see if he initiates conversations with you.
You are stalking him online and getting yourself all worked up over something he could see as a friendship. Did it ever occur to you he gave the artwork away to you and someone else because he didn’t have room to take it back home with him? The piece you didn’t choose could have been a gift to another “friend” too. Or that he really had 3 pieces and someone else got to choose one before you did? Unless you learn to sit back and let the man lead you will never know his level of interest. Men are much more logical than women and the odds are he sees it as unrealistic to try to build a relationship with you long distance while he’s in his home country. Whereas women can build relationships just on words and phone calls but men need personal interaction and shared experiences.
The fact he never actually sat down with you in private and got to know you before it was time for him to leave also makes me suspect he wasn’t as into you and you seem to be thinking.June 12, 2019 at 11:14 am #753416
Thank you so much for your response, Kaye, truly. This is the kind of advice I was hoping to run into somewhere along the line!
Yes, you are absolutely right. I recognize that I have created this fantasy in my head. I’m trying to let go of it, it’s just difficult to do. I am always the woman men treat like crap. (Which is why I analyze everything; I know it’s crazy, but I just don’t want my heart to be broken. Again. I figure if I can at least spots the signs, I can gauge where things are going instead of being potentially blind-sided, which I’m not comfortable with at all.) And they treat me this way because I allow it to happen. I understand that as well. What was different with this individual was he saw me- or I felt he saw me- for the person I truly was. He saw me as the kind, cheerful, beautiful person that I know I am. He treated me how I know I deserve to be treated. With kindness, care, respect…
But I just read too much into it. He was just being nice, but I took that kindness to mean something more than what it really was. In doing so, yes, I created this scenario that his actions must mean there is something there, when there aren’t. Now I’m just haven’t a hard time letting go of that.
And I did consider the fact that he was just being nice with his artwork, and that maybe others received one too. But then when he wrote me that beautiful card, my head began spinning with possibilities. I think I misinterpreted everything. Every bit of it.
But, now I know, or am pretty sure I know. Maybe we’re still friends, but his interest in me is not the same as mine in him.June 12, 2019 at 11:20 am #753417
Oh, and in response to the whole not sitting down to talk to me thing… that’s not something I can blame him for. He would make efforts to stop by to say hi, he’d ask how I was or how my day was going, but due to the nature of my work (and his), we had to keep things strictly professional and casual. Maybe he would have wanted to.. I don’t know. The option simply wasn’t there.June 12, 2019 at 11:35 am #753418
Since you point out you have been mistreated by men, maybe he felt sorry for you and was extra friendly.
Fact is, though, you should not have sent that lame hope you are doing well text.
Totally showed you have a crush. He now knows not to lead you on. So he purposely sent back a chilly, generic response.
Wise up. Accept that he never planned on maintaining a special thing with you.
It’s really silly of you to imagine hes going to keep in contact with you
Stop the fantasy. Don’t text him again. Stop waiting and hoping to hear from him. He won’t contact because you have already shown him you are smitten.June 12, 2019 at 11:38 am #753419
Am I understanding correctly that he’s only gone for the summer? He will be back, and local, in the fall? All you can do is sit tight and wait for him to come back. If he’s interested he’ll reach out to you when he’s back.
I wouldn’t try to push for any kind of virtual relationship in the meantime. If anything, if you bother him too much over social media over the summer, he’ll avoid you when he comes back. I would advise sitting back and being cool, enjoying your summer, being responsive when he contacts you, but not getting worked up about having daily or even weekly contact.
I know this is all easier said than done but you can’t construct a huge fantasy about this guy in your head. Only time will tell if he’s actually interested. He will be back and locally available to you and at that point you can see if he reaches out. Let him be curious about you and what you’ve been up to over the summer, it will motivate him to contact you when he’s back.June 12, 2019 at 11:48 am #753420
“Totally showed you have a crush. He now knows not to lead you on. So he purposely sent back a chilly, generic response.”
And that has definitely been my fear. I knew I was taking a huge risk sending some flirty texts, but his words and actions before leaving left me thinking that maybe he was looking for more. And maybe he was just too afraid/shy to say anything in person. I took a risk and it backfired.
And yes, he is coming back in the fall. Right now, I am holding onto the hope that maybe he would still like to catch up when he returns. Maybe, like you said Liz Lemon, going silent will keep him curious when he does return, if I haven’t scared him off completely already. Who knows. But I agree Anne.. I think with him knowing now that I am attracted to him, he’s backing off. I wish now I hadn’t said anything, but at least I know.June 12, 2019 at 12:10 pm #753422
sometimes we just connect with certain people at certain times. you guys were casual friendly acquaintances. hes gone now and immersed in his life there. he may reconnect at some point casually or when hes back. he behaved exactly as casual friends do. you created a false picture in your head and imagined more than there was. hey you need to get down to earth and get on with your life. it was just a brief moment with him. let this goJune 12, 2019 at 12:33 pm #753425
I don’t think you need to feel embarrassed. you just got carried away in your mind without any real encouragement from him except a couple of friendly moments. its alright. just step back and let him get in touch. if he is interested he will say show and do more.June 12, 2019 at 12:38 pm #753427
You’re overthinking this. From what I understand, you sent him one text after he went home to say hello and check in, and he responded politely but coolly. Is that right? You didn’t bombard him with flirty texts, right?
If that’s the case I wouldn’t read too much into anything at this point. He may have been busy, stressed out, had stuff going on (especially if he just got home after being abroad for awhile) and didn’t really think much about what he texted you back. I agree with anon that he probably just detached from you mentally when he went home. He’s with his family now, old friends, etc, so he’s focusing on that for the moment. But I wouldn’t assume that you totally freaked him out and scared him off, provided it was just one text. (Sorry if I’m reading this wrong, there are a lot of details in your posts and I’m getting mixed up).
At this point don’t contact him again. If he happens to send you a message to check in, respond in a friendly, warm manner, the way you would with any friend. You want him to be comfortable reaching out to you when he returns to the US. If you act weird– clingy, or distant– he might not. If you had a good connection, even just as friends, you will be on his mind when he comes back to your town and there is a good chance he will reach out to see how your summer was. But not if you overdo the texting and social media stuff.June 12, 2019 at 1:49 pm #753447
Yes, I did leave quite a bit out. Here’s how things went down (another lengthy post).
We had our final in-person meeting/conversation. He tried to add me on Facebook but couldn’t, so sent me a message to see if I could add him. I sent him a friend request, but he still couldn’t “Add Friend”. He suggested I look at my settings, and when I did, I was able to fix the problem. I sent him a message back thanking him for his help.
A couple hours later he sends me a message saying he was leaving town, it was great meeting me, thank you for everything and I will see you again soon.
An hour or so later, I responded. I said it was a pleasure meeting him and getting to know him, and that I wished I’d had an opportunity to get to know him better. I also let him know I had read the card that he gave me, and I thanked him for it. I said that they were beautiful words from a beautiful person and that I would treasure them. I then asked, if it was okay with him, I’d like to keep in touch over the summer and get to know him better. (A risky thing to ask, especially via text, but after reading his card, I was convinced maybe there was something there but he was just too sy to say it in person. You don’t tell somebody they have a beautiful smile, or compliment their personality, say they bring light and energy to you day, and hope to see them soon if they don’t hold *some* kind of special place in your heart.)
He responds again and says it’s not a problem and to keep him updated on everything, and he will be sure to see me again soon (by now it’s the 4th time he’s said it). It was also at this point he finally accepted my friend request on Facebook. He also mentioned in that series of texts that he had not yet read the card I gave him, but he would make sure to and “I’m sure I’ll love it”, was his response.
(Just to note: he’s not moving back to the same city. He’s moving to a different city to continue on with his career/education, but it’s only about 2 hours away. So somewhat local.)
About 24 hours later, I hadn’t heard anything, so I just sent him a quick message. Just saying I hope he’s having a great time, and to shoot me a message when he lands so I can know he made it back safe. (I wasn’t trying to be clingy, but maybe it came off that way. I would have asked anybody, any friend, to do that. I just care is all.)
He responded and said he would, and thanked me for asking. He then asks “How’s [name of the town I live in]?”. He didn’t ask how I was doing, or how work was going. He asked how are things in town. This seemed odd to me, but I also keep in mind he’s from another country and while his English is pretty fluent, he’s not perfect. I didn’t think too much into it at the time, I was just glad he was talking to me, especially after my confession about wanting to get to know him more. I thought that would drive him away, but it didn’t seem to. Not initially anyway.
A little while later, I responded wishing him a safe trip and thanking him for keeping me updated so I don’t worry. I also answered his question with how things were in “town”.
A few hours later he responds back with “I’m home” and letting me know he’ll be back in the States at the end of August.
I text him back asking how the flight was.
He responds saying it was long but he was happy to be home.
I text back saying “I bet! I’m glad to hear you made it back safe.”
He said “Thank you”, and just trying to be silly, I responded with “Not exactly sure what I said or did, but you’re welcome” [insert laughing emoji].
It was at this point he started to go quiet. I didn’t hear from him for almost 2 days. I didn’t let it bother me too much (but it did, I won’t lie), because I knew he had just been on a plan for 12 hours or more, he was just getting home, getting himself settled and meeting up with family and friends… so I gave him that time and that space. What I did notice was that he read never even read or opened my message. It wasn’t until that day-and-a-half/two day point when he finally opened my message and read it. And even when he did, he didn’t respond. So I just let things go again.
Finally on Sunday, it was now nearly 3 days since hearing anything, so I just sent him a quick message, with a video attached. Now, looking back I realized the video was probably not the best idea, but I just wanted to do something different. He said I had a beautiful smile, said keeping in touch was no problem, so I thought maybe sending him a video would capture his attention. It was nothing “naughty”, just seeing how he was doing, updating him on my weekend and that I would like to hear about his summer plans, what he’s up to. Again, not trying to be clingy or needy or anything… just showing active interest. I thought I was being polite.
He pretty much responds to my video in a very staccato manner. “Hey”, “Yes it’s evening. I haven’t adjusted to the time zones yet”, “I’m travelling to the beach right now. It’s beautiful here.” and “That’s great, send me some pics” (a response to me mentioning my brother had just got a new puppy and I had pictures if he wanted to see them.)
I responded telling him the beach sounds lovely and that the weather here has been beautiful as well. I also asked him, if he was up for it, to send me some pictures of his travels (but of course didn’t have to if he doesn’t want to. Even long before meeting him, I’ve always had a fascination for the country he is from.) I then sent pictures of the puppy. He “liked” the pictures, and then his only response was “Thank you, hope you have a great summer break too.”
I responded simply with, “Thanks” and left it at that. By now I was really getting the message he didn’t want to talk, that’s why I left things with just a thanks- I didn’t want to push him any further if he wasn’t interested.
That was our last contact. It took him another two days to read it, but still no response- and he goes on and offline all the time so it’s not as if he isn’t around.June 12, 2019 at 2:01 pm #753450
Writing this all down and looking back on it… it sounds terrible. At the time, in those moments, I thought I was doing the right thing. Showing that I care, showing an active interest in him and his culture, wanting to keep in touch…
but it all just sounds like I’m stalking him. I am ashamed of myself now because I didn’t mean to come across that way. Now I just feel like an idiot. I’ve more than likely screwed things up now.June 12, 2019 at 2:50 pm #753454
So the recap changes nothing. Its similar to your first post except you clarified that a lot was via text not in person.
Yeah, you were pretending there was something more than friends. You asked him too many questions, making sure he had to answer back.June 12, 2019 at 2:59 pm #753458
Just let it go. Step away. Yes, you came on a bit strong. You weren’t offensive or over-the-top crazy, but you did come on strong. All you can this point is let it go and see if he reaches out later on.
The fact that he is not actually going to be local when he comes back, but in a city 2 hours away, is significant. He might not be thinking “relationship” with someone that far away. So even if he likes you and thinks you’re attractive, he might not think it’s worth it because of the distance.
I agree with other posters here that you read way more into it than he did. You got in your head and went with the fantasy. We’ve all done it. Just take it as a learning experience, no need to beat yourself up over it.June 12, 2019 at 3:47 pm #753465
It’s all very sweet, what you texted.
But, for now, he’s not putting the effort forth, so you need to back all the way off. I don’t think you “ruined” anything, he probably likes the attention (or is neutral).
What you have is a very long shot with this guy, but if you focus on him, that’s going to push him away. I posted about the guy I was with above- he’s a long shot. When we are together it’s amazing. We’d probably make a great couple. But for now, it’s not possible, so we don’t stoke the flame and we live our lives, and if we are both available and near each other, we connect in person. We message a few times a year. And we’ve both said it- had we met 10 years sooner, our lives would have played out together. And we’ve both said who knows what the future holds. We’ve kept this connection for almost a decade now.
You had a really intense connection with this guy in a short time, but unfortunately the fuel to make a relationship requires more exposure to a person, more learning.
You really need to go live your life and leave this one to fate. Reach out a few times a year, say hello. I bet he’ll do the same. He may just end up a nice memory or a someone you see on occasion. The most useful thing you learned was how he treated you and made you feel in his presence. Apply that standard to future men- you want to feel this way about the next man you let in your life.