Had a drink with my ex, now what?


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This topic contains 91 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  tammy 1 month ago.

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  • #734136 Reply

    Luna

    Hello girls,

    I had a drink with my ex after 2 years no contact. We both saw each other on meetup and started casually talking by message.

    He initiated to have a drink with me before I leave for NYE holidays in another city.

    We had a perfect time together. We were smiming the whole time, there was lot of caring.

    We talked about attachment theory before the “date” and so the subject came on the table that night. He is an advoidant type anf Im the anxious but both no too the extreme. But we are both working on it to be secure.

    He told me he worked a lot on himself the past two years and that he is now a new man. We are both into meditation, positives thinking and so on.
    He talked to me about how his father was an advoidant and his mother an anxious.

    I knew that all the way when we were first together. He always seemed to push me away. We stayed together for 8 months, on and off. He could not commit…

    He asked me If I had a long relationship the past two years, I told him no, only 6 months.

    He actually stayed in an on and off relationship for 2 year with a woman who had very big attachment issue (the worst case when you are anxious And advoidant).

    Anyways, this relationship taught him a lot.

    He told me I seemed very confident and happy.

    After 4 hours together, he bring me back home. He told me that I looked very sexy and beautiful. He touched me sigtly numerous time that night.
    He wanted to bring me to his home but I said no. So He bring me to my home and we said goodnight. No kiss.

    He sent me a text to tell me goodnight and to enjoy my trip to Bordeaux (im french). He also asked me how long did we stayed together, i told him 8 months. He said ok that what I thought with a smile.

    Anyways… Too much details here.
    Im a bit confused no because he hasn’t text me for 3 days. Im in Bordeaux and I thought that he would catch some news about me. Nothing.

    Should I wait for him to contact me ?
    I had such a good time with him, it felt so right…

    #734137 Reply

    Raven

    Breath & wait…

    #734140 Reply

    Dyann

    He may not have had anything more than a pleasant trip down memory lane with you that night. It could be some time before you hear from him, if you hear from him at all. Wise move not to go back to his.

    Do NOT contact him under any circumstance. If he wants you back, he needs to work to earn you. He knows that. Don’t make it too easy for him. If he does start making moves to get you back, take the wait and see view. He’s on probation.

    #734151 Reply

    lovelybee

    “I went on a date with a guy who has an attachment disorder, he is avoidant and hot and cold…Why hasn’t he called me in three days?”

    Um. Well.

    #734154 Reply

    Luna

    Lovelybee, you obviously didnt read my story.

    He has advoidant disorder but he works on it, is aware of it and changed the past two years… In fact he is in therapy.

    We are both aware of our attachment disorder, lot of couple are fine with it when you work on it.

    #734155 Reply

    Luna

    Thank you girl for your answer.

    I will put my focus on something else.

    #734157 Reply

    Luna

    To add more detail, we talked for 3 weeks before meeting… He always initiated the talks.

    I don’t think he won’t text me anymore. But I would have hoped he would have reached out to me the past two days, just to ask if Im enjoying the city.

    Maybe in fact he did not feel the same chemistry as me that night but I doubt it, we both seemed very happy and excited.

    Anyways, time will tell.

    Im back to focus on my self love.

    Thank you girls.

    #734158 Reply

    lovelybee

    LOL. I read your story. You met up with him after two years of him hot/cold dating another woman. Do the words ‘on again off again’ not raise any red flags for you? Regardless, the point is you haven’t seen or talked to him in years, and now you suddenly know him and how well he has adjusted and worked on himself.

    I have news you can use. Therapy does not equal fixed or even close. Therapy is an ongoing longterm experience with gradual yet significant steps and progress. He still has the disorder. He will still work from that framework whether he or you like it or not, this isn’t like Rumplestilskin where you guess its name and then you get your disorder’s first child or whatever. It is still there, lady.

    #734161 Reply

    Sarah

    @Lovelybee, two years of therapy is long enough for him to make some real changes. You don’t have to be in therapy the rest of your life for it to be valid. Kind of a harsh, cynical response.

    #734176 Reply

    Luna

    I don’t agree with you lovelybee.

    Yes he still might have it but being aware IS the key. I believe I went from being very anxious to almost secure.

    Fact is, he told me he always believe I was the secure one. I never made any drama when together.

    I was the one who choose to break up and let him go because i knew inside me he had some work to do.

    I also had some little work to do and it was to focus more on my self love.

    Believe me, people DO change.

    #734179 Reply

    kaye

    Am I understanding this correctly…during the entire 2 years you were no contact he was having an on again/off again relationship with anxious and avoidant woman?

    And now that he’s finally OFF with her again he gets on a meet up and site and takes you out for a drink. It’s good that he’s working on himself, it’s good that he’s learned attachment styles and is working to be secure. But there is nothing in anything you have said where this guy seems to want you back. I think he wanted to hook up for some easy sex with an ex and when you turned him down he got back on the meet up site to find the next girl.

    Has it not crossed your mind how you were anxious and he only dated you for 8 months yet he could date an anxious/avoidant for 2 years? This guy isn’t interested in dating again. And you need to move on to a man who can commit and doesn’t need to do so much work on himself.

    I’ve gotten back with an ex and married him. When we had our first “date” together after our breakup he was contacting me consistently, making plans to see me, and telling me he wanted to try again. We even discussed the things that didn’t work the first time and why we thought this time would be different. And then of course there was admission on both our parts of our responsibilities for the break up and apologies. If your guy isn’t doing any of that then it’s a serious waste of your time and energy.

    #734202 Reply

    Luna

    Kaye,

    Its more complicated than this but anyway, you are right.

    He did not talk about getting back together. I dont know why I got so emotionnal and hopeful… I really thought we both felt the same.

    The mind can play with us.

    I will just let go… its new year eve here, and Im feeling depressed.

    I need to get my energy up.

    #734210 Reply

    Mattie

    Not trying to be cold, but you still sound like the anxious one as you are already freaking out and getting all hopeful after only one drink?

    #734222 Reply

    Luna

    Of course Im a bit emotionnal… I loved this person and still do.

    We are all a bit anxious in this situation.

    I was not expexting him to propose to me… but just wanted more attention from him after our drink.

    We were really close that night. I thought we shared the same things.

    Its call being disapointed.

    I just said that Im letting go and focusing on myself again.

    #734294 Reply

    jo

    i’d just like to say, be careful about taking too much literal advice on these message boards. everyone here really wants to help, but we can generally only speak from very personal experiences. no one here can tell you what is right for you. no one knows this guy, or the dynamic that you two have.

    be patient he might be busy with friends and family.

    #734297 Reply

    Blu

    Um he didn’t even remember how many months you and he dated. He wanted to take you home for sex. I agree with others. He was looking for an easy hook up. I honestly would have asked him what is intent of meeting up was about. I would be that direct. Instead of assuming or hoping this was reconciliation.

    #734313 Reply

    Luna

    Blu,

    We dated for more than 1 year on and off as well… even me I dont remember how many months exactly. It was 4 years ago !!

    Some nice words would be appreciated. I already feel down enough and ridiculous… when you are in love witj someone you can be blind…

    #734318 Reply

    Blu

    Hun it was four years ago. Let it go already. This is why women should leave men in the past.

    #734334 Reply

    Emma

    @Luna, if he were still in love with you or wanted something serious again, yes he would have texted you by now. You are right about that.

    But he did not hint or mention getting back together, he might have been looking for validation from you, after his breakup with someone else. Do not assume that men always tell the truth an the whole truth. This does not prevent him from enjoying his time with you. He did enjoy it and he is still attracted you, clearly.

    I agree that therapy does not fix things. it helps people deal with things. But fixing takes a very long time.

    I agree that he would contact you again at some point, but you should have asked him about his intentions of meeting with you. He could of course lie or not say the truth, dodge the question as avoidants often do, but had you asked, you would have had a chance to talk about things from this angle more. Had he missed you during this time, 2 years on and off with another woman, when was the last OFF, why did he start talking to you 3 weeks ago, what gives.

    I don’t think you are “secure” yet. You may be on your way but you are not there yet. Because if you were secure, you would have asked all those questions even before meeting him.

    Do not wait around for him. He might be givin it a break now, NYs and all, you are travelling, he is not expecting oyu to sit and wait for his call. He might also not thinking about getting back together. He might become your “friend”, with whom you meet every now and then. But then why did he text with you for 3 weeks?

    Next time you talk, ask him those questions. Tell him that meeting with him stirred up emotions and you realized oyu got yourself exposed to unnecessary things. Ask him to explain his motivations. Do it in a non-reproaching way, without accusing him, because if you do put him on the spot, he’d “run”. Therapy might help, but these things run very deep, and a person cannot just change in a few month his whole character into someone else. It takes years and years for a serious change to occur, and even those happen on the level of control. Not on the level of what you feel. For example, right now you are being anxious but you learned to control it and not express it to him. But you are still feeling this anxiety. Likewise, he might have learned to communicate better, but he is still likely to “run” and “turn his back to you” if he thinks you are putting him on the spot.

    When he contacts you next time, whenever this might be, you ask him nicely) why he was staying in touch for 3 weeks, why now, what were his feelings and expectations. Why you you do hear from him in 2 weeks, do not ask about why you have not heard from him for so long, you can say you were HOPING to hear from him sooner. LOL

    If you want to get back together, and if he is entertaining the same thought, you need to start talking about it. An avoidant type is unlikely to initiate this type of a conversation in clear terms, he can start beating around the bush but I don’t expect him to do more than that. BUT. Him NOT talking about it doesn’t mean the opposite, i.e. that he actually does want to get back together. LOL so you have to take some risks here if you want to find out. If you are secure enough, you won’t be too afraid to be vulnerable, and you’d be prepared for rejection.

    4 years is a very long time, you should clarify things asap. If your ex all of a sudden shows up and start talking to you extensively, wants to me, suggests a hookup, you have all rights to ask what’s going on and what his intentions were. LOL

    #734342 Reply

    Luna

    Emma,

    Thank you SO much for your long and detailed answer. It’s exactly what I needed. You understood the situation clearly. I feel relieved and peaceful now…

    The way I feel about all of this show me two things.

    A) Im still in love with this man. Clearly, I still care so much about him. The past two years were difficult, I tried as hard as possible to get over him.

    B) I still have a bit of anxious attachment. The doom feeling I felt this afternoon awaked my fear of abandonment.

    I did no ask him clarification about us during the meeting because we had such a good time and we didn’t bring our relationship on the table. I did not want to sound needy or like I cared too much or something.

    He indeed doesn’t seem to want me back. But like you said, I know he will get back in touch. I will apply your advice and will let you know. I will make sure to clarify things and ask him questions.

    I won’t contact him.

    Thank you :*

    #734346 Reply

    Sensy

    I find I have to view a person as deserving before I will have emotion for someone. Perhaps defining specific expectations (a threshold) for yourself.

    #734351 Reply

    Newbie

    Yes there is good news for you. You can let go and feel free. The reason avoidant guys attract anxious types is that the secure ones had long said bye to the guy. You are probably way more secure now and just fell of the wagon because it felt nice reconnecting and december is a depressing month for lots who feel alone. This feeling will pass. He might contact you again but still he had an off/on relationship and still couldnt commit so i doubt he is healed. Chin up, 2019 is a whole new year ahead

    #734359 Reply

    Luna

    Thank you newbie :))

    Ok girls, Im such a burden/clumsy…

    I was just looking at our old (2015) conversation in facebook messenger and by mistake I “liked/reacted” with a emoji love icon on one of his older message…

    I took it off but apparently he will still receive the notification that I reacted to one of his message… I just tested with my friend.

    Such a clumsy me!!

    #734371 Reply

    Yeah

    Oh pleeeze. By accident?

    #734388 Reply

    Luna

    Yes!!

    When scrolling too fast it happens, you click on a message and it put a reaction…

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